Friday, 2 February 2018

CATS

As you're no doubt aware having a cat in your life is akin to being close to God. There are so many similarities, but you don't need me to tell you that. 
Come. Let us reflect:

  • Is warm.
  • Feels good.
  • Accepts your personal brand.
  • Cares about you / Could not care less.
  • Is okay to chill in bed, but also wants to go 'completely effing mental' at 4am.
  • No judgement. (Unless you've done something wrong [via no food in the food bowl])

Accepting all of ^^^ that as truth we need to thoroughly study the situation.




This is my cat and his name is Tyrannosaurus Cat. T Cat. (The peeps in the veterinary place laughed because his name is sweetums, and they must've heard all of the names under the sun, so I think that that's a win.)

He is much bigger now but unfortunately he is also 'a pain in the fucking ass' because I encouraged him to play-fight when he was a kitten and now he's much bigger and now it hurts a bit when he play-fights. I have wounds on my hands like a bro who is Vegan / suffering a vitamin deficiency. Sort of like those ding-a-lings who keep a pet tiger and then are like OMG when it kills them.

Just riffing on my relationship with cats in this post. 


Q&A
1) Are you cat?
2) My cats fucking hate one another - and it's nothing to do with colour or religion - they just don't get along. Should we scale this biz up to the International Community or just bomb the eff out of Syria / miscellaneous brown people?
3) Where is Syria?
4) When you meet someone and they say that they're a dog person do you instantly think, "No." It's the same reaction that you'd have to an unsavoury bro wearing Croc shoes or a bro sporting a shoddy top knot BS?


BONUS QUESTION
We briefly touched upon these vile, disgusting, unsavoury characters in our previous Q&A, but I think that we should also throw dumdums who are still dicking around with skateboards / mirco scooters under the bus. (Metaphorically.) 
Disgusting creatures.
Filth.      

In this post I've been exploring my relationship with cats in this post.


xx
(2 kisses.)

Monday, 22 January 2018

YOU'RE WORLD: I AM WORKING AT HMV

(YOU'RE WORLD is an astonishing feature where iam___ readers who need our help write in and tell us about themselves. Let's see what this week's situation is, hmmm?)

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I Am Working At HMV

Music is my life. 
I have been in several bands but unfortunately I have been unable to monetise the situation due to an over-saturation in our MP3 economy / The Galactic Economic Downturn. (Obvs I continue to DJ. Weddings. Pubs. I will work for free, however I would prefer to work for money as I am very heavily overdrawn :-[ sadface.)

Do you remember HMV (circa 2005)?
Great days.
The music-themed bric-a-brac store has been a very relevant presence in the highstreet for many years now, selling primitive physical MP3s such as CDs and vinyl technology. Poorly printed Gildan T Shirts. Well, we try to sell them. It does not happen often. I applied for a job at my local independent record store but unfortunately they were not hiring [via bankruptcy].
Music is my life.

I am replenishing the stock. No, nothing has been sold, I am just moving stuff around. 
Keeping busy.
Keeping warm.
I am advising middle-aged white bros about MP3s. "Have you heard of Arcade On Fire?" "Merriweather Post Pavilion is 9 years old now." "No, we do not sell pornography."
I am processing a refund.
I am promoting my band.
I am watching the clock.



"Would you like to come and see my band? We are playing a gig this weekend. Here; this is our Bandcamp." (You never know who is going to be in the audience. It could be my big break.)
I am on my lunch break. Might leave some fliers in Subway. For my gig.
I am asking my parents for £££.

Music is my life. 
Fuck.  

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'Jeezlouise'. 
What do you recommend this rigmarole do?

Change jobs?

Upload some content to YouTube?
Please offer only your most sage and constructive advice and please, for the love of God, no internet trollers.

xx
(2 kisses.)

Friday, 19 January 2018

BUILDERS

As you're no doubt aware builders are a bunch of dingdongs. Whether it's playing sillybuggers outside a Weatherspoons when the sun's gone down or singing along to a Kasabian song when the scaffolding's gone up, they're absolutely disgusting creatures. Hello and yes welcome back.

As 2018 starts to gain traction we need to address the elephant in the room; we as a species have loads of buildings so do we as a species still need builders? My sources (Number 10 Downing Street, actually) report that it's all some wonky pyramid scheme to keep riffraff off the streets. As long as they're 30' up in the air then they can't interfere with decent folk in the Modern Urban Environment



In our post hashtagMeToo world we need to constantly be on the lookout for sexual shenanigans / rape. You don't need to look far; they are mostly perched atop scaffolding like rapey gargoyles. Disgusting.


Q&A
a) Is listening to the radio for poor people?
b) Why are there no female builders?
c) One time I had a female taxi driver and I was amaze. (Not really a question.)
d) I've had a builder dicking around painting my hallway for like a year now. He finished up yesterday but he is very lazy / not a very good builder. (Not really a question.)
e) Should Mate Rock Pop (Kasabian, The Automatic, The Streets Rap Man, Rag + Bone Man) be condemned by the international community and subject to severe UN sanctions?

At the start of this post I was feeling like, "Fuck builders."

Nothing has changed.

x
(1 kiss.)