1STWP - ARE PADDED BRAS 'FUCKING BULLSHIT?'

(1ST WORLD PROBLEMS is the astonishing regular feature from iam___. In it, we discuss REAL issues facing REAL people in an adult and candid fashion. Let's see wtf is going on, hmmm?)

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Y'all. As you know, I am constantly trying to take my social networking presence and general situation to such great heights when OTI, but I am also very interested in the opportunity to 'cum' when AFK.

Recently, I'm starting to feel really misled and confused by padded bras and other Breast Deficiency Countermeasures aka BDC. 

(Might copywrite ^^^ this acronym so plz don't steal :-) happyface.)

Worried.

Worried about being 'let down' by this 'fucking bullshit' when I get to see what lies beneath, similarly to the major motion picture, What Lies Beneath. 

Don't want to cause a scene / rock the boat / 'be that guy' - but also need to stay true to my beliefs.

As you know, I'm constantly emailing / cyberbulling my local MP with helpful suggestions, gentle reprimands, and proposals for sweeping change to local and national legislation. I'm also really active on several politics forums and I'm also kind of a big deal in the ePetition scene. 

Do you think that it's 'high effing time' to reallocate funds from boring stuff (like maths, science, and PE) and redirect the money towards mandatory bewb jobs?

Can't bear the thought of some broad staring into the mirror with a bra full of lies staring back at her /:-/ compassionate-face.

Obvs, a small-breasted woman is not without her charms. From what I understand, there's a certain 'je ne sais quoi' about every woman. Each one's a petal drifting down from the tree of life.

Sometimes feel 'completely chuffing overwhelmed' by the beauty of it all.

Sometimes feel like, "OMG."

REALLY EFFING ROYAL - PRINCE HARRY 1 OF 2

(REALLY EFFING ROYAL is an amazing new iam___ feature where we investigate the Royal Family. We really want our 'brothers from another mothers' overseas to understand wtf is up with the Royal Family. Let's begin, hmmm?)

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Sup, nigs?
Today we investigate Prince Harry.

Feel like there's a lot of BS about 'The Ginger Nut' circling the internets / old media. 
Really just want to get to the bottom of it all and learn about the REAL P. Harry.

I do not understand what P. Harry's situation is /:-/ confused-face. 
I think that it might be time to get my 'big boy pants' on, 'knuckle down,' and do some serious investigative journalism.
In part 1, we investigate popular opinion of P. Happy:


POSITIVE POPULAR OPINION :-) HAPPYFACE:

• He is the Cool One from the Royal Family.
• He is sooo into socialising / party times / getting 'completely fucked up.'
• Flies the helicopter.
• Does work for charity.
• Seems pretty legit. Like you could 'have a pint' or 'cum' with him.

NEGATIVE POPULAR OPINION :-( SADFACE:

• Bit racist.
• Bit of a sillybilly.
• Slacker / general underachiever. 
• Doesn't 'fly the helicopter' or actually 'do shit' in the army / life. 
• Not as solid a meme as Princess Diana (mumsy).

Don't know wtf the truth is :-? confused-face.

I'm going to explore the internet to confirm or deny the ^^^ above situations. 

We might learn something, but probably not.

Wish me luck, niggas!

<3 heart symbol.

Q&A
If you could be king for a day would you be:
a) Pretty Chill - Helping people and being a goody2shoes?
b) Okay - Probs spend all day keeping it zzz casual. Might have a nap?
c) Not Okay - Steal things from the palace and then blame it on the staff?
d) Asshole - Sexually harass the secretary and then be all like, "Sup?"
e) Tyrant - 'Murder' someone just to feel alive. Sell noods of K. Middy to the Old Media. Sell stuff from the palace to buy drugs (marijuana cigarette, coke, smack, wizz, doping a bong). Order up some food from the kitchen and then send it back down for some 'fucking bullshit' reason. Blow all of your / the countries money on redonkulous hobbies like Bonsai Trees or Pokeman Collectible Card Game?

Don't just pick an answer at random. Remember, your choice will have very serious ramifications for the inhabitants of your kingdom.
Think really long and hard before choosing :-O amazed-face.

xx (2 kisses.)

IN TODAY'S MODERN WORLD CAN ANYONE LISTEN TO 'PURPLE RAIN' BY PRINCE (AND NOT THINK OF SOME BS TALENT CONTEST CONTESTANT)?

Sup, niggas?
(This question is rhetorical.)
Been listening to a lot of Prince atm.

(I'm not really sure if he's currently going by the name 'Prince' or 'The Artist Formally Known As Prince' or 'TAFKAP' or ':-) Symbol Thing.' Prince, if you're reading, please explain your situation, tnx.)

When the hit single Purple Rain plays - I don't even think of it as a Prince MP3 anymore. Years and years of dodgy talent show contestants have 'totally effing ruined' the song for me >:-( angryface.

When I think about some Purple Rain, I think of the following: 

• Warbling. (Maybe with the eyes closed and with the wobbly hand.)
• Stoopid edgy remix. Probs with some beat boxing. Ugh.
• Stoopid carbon copy.
• Dated stage show. (Dry ice / child choir with candles / miscellaneous coloured choir / unemployed drama postgrad dancers / jazz hands / projector screen playing B&W love situation / gay man on motorcycle / those rope tumbler-niggas pouring down from the ceiling / plastic flowers / exciting lasers.) 
• Emotional sob story.

That's what I think when I think Purple Rain ^^^ but what do YOU effing think when YOU think Purple Rain?

Slowly starting to really resent these plucky chancers playing sillybuggers with classic songs.

I think that it might be time to metaphorically draw the line.
I think that we might have to kill again, my nigs.
Unfortunately, it might be time to 'murder' someone :-( sadface.

iam___ might 'draft up' a list of artists / classic songs, which these unself-aware talent show animals can no longer dick around with.

Off the top of my head:

Jeff Buckley.

Queens.

Stephen Wonder.

Wham!

(That's just for starters. Let me know if I've missed anyone.)

Might investigate talent show contestant sob stories tmw.

xxxo (3 kisses & 1 hug.)

BLT - BEAR, LION, TIGER.

Hey, niggas. As you're well aware I spend the majority of my time OTI. I use this time becoming more self-aware, illegally downloading content, cyberbullying strangers, social networking, and learning about this incredible effing world that we live in. 
Obvs, most of it's pretty anitlol: 

• The War on Terror.
• Galactic Economic Meltdown.
• Pollution.
• Copywrite Trolls dicking around with torrent sites :-( sadface.
• Terrorism.

Man, sometimes just want to get away from it all and live a life of gentle reflection in a miscellaneous Asian country.

Anyways, recently I 'came' across a situation which made me :-) happyface.

This story is brought to us by the abc. From what I understand, they're a bit like the BBC but for our friends 'across the pond.' (I'm sure I heard somewhere that they're a 'little bit fishy' and sometimes make up the news - a little bit like the Fox News. 
Various Cool Kids across the internets / life seem to bash the Fox News.
Not really sure why. 
Defo need to become more involved with 'world issues.')

"All of my life,
I have wanted to trust / believe the news.
I just really want to learn,
about Palestine." - Haiku promoting truth © 2013

Basically, the video / story clearly shows a bear, a lion, and a tiger who have transcended traditional values of 'murdering' one another and embraced friendship - becoming true niggas. 
Sort of feel like this story can teach us all something.

If the bear, the lion, and the tiger can learn to live in perfect harmony - why can't we?
Don't want to grow up hating my neighbor.
Don't want to shock and awe brown people and miscellaneous coloureds. 
Want to 'judge someone based upon their own merits' and NOT by racial stereotypes.
Want to love my neighbor. (Unless they're overweight / ugly / dog person, obvs.)

Do you think that ^^^ cry for peace and understanding is powerful enough to change the world?
Should I change my Facebawks status until there is serious and sustainable change in the modern world?

"Man was born with 2 hands.
1 to help himself.
1 to help others." - Ancient Haiku by some peace and love kind of nig

Q&A
I'm sure we can all agree that 'Man was born with 2 hands,' but should 1 really be used for peace?
Can / should 'Man' use both hands to kill other 'Man' more efficiently? 
Are you in the Armed Forces?
Major motion pictures, like Jarheads, Born on the 4th of July, You Can't Handle the Truth, and We Were Soldiers need less BS and more explosions. Do you agree?
Obvs, it'd be aces to live in peace - but wtf do we do about the 'Polish Problem?'

Don't think I'm qualified / self-aware enough to resolve these issues :-( sadface.

Gtg. 
(Going to do a charity bake sale outside my house to raise money for bear / lion / tiger aka BLT.)
Does anyone know how to make cupcakes? 
(:-? confused-face.)

RETRO SITUATIONS - THE SETTLERS II (2)

'Fuck.'

I've been playing through the major empire building simulation game situation, Settlers II (2). 
On 1 hand it's mad addictive :-) happyface.
On 1 hand it's 'utter ballache' :-( sadface.
On 1 hand  it's a buggy piece of crap. (More on that in a bit.)

HOW I REMEMBERED IT:

A challenging and perfect strategy game. I spend effing hours and hours playing this when I was a kid.

• Controlling a bunch of settler-niggas.
• Building a fruity little town / huge medieval city.
• Meeting the neighbors.
• 'Murder.'  

HOW IT ACTUALLY WAS:

A playful little strategy game, ham-stringed by 'fucking bullshit' bugs and AI malfunctions. For example:

• In order to build your huge medieval city you need to be able to transport goods across the map. All well and good until your settler-niggas think 'eff it' and don't transport goods anymore.
• Retarded AI opponents. (Not attacking / not defending / building farms in mountains / not occupying their buildings / general 'very queer' behavior.)

CONCLUSION:

A fancypants 10th Anniversary Edition came out mid-2000. From what I understand, it has sooo many more graphics but it's also less of a buggy piece of crap. 
Might give it a go. (But I couldn't bear to be hurt again, my nigs.)

I never did play the missions - either back in the day or this time around. I like to set up the Free Play option and then just play.

Like to live by my own rules and not live to achieve 'missions' and 'targets' set by The Man, or 'fucking asshole' middle management, or stoopid computers.

"I am going to do it my way, niggas." Papa F. Sinatra 

Gtg. Much love xx (2 kisses.)

UNDERSTANDING THE ECONOMIC DOWNTURN 5

Once again we must 'stop playing sillybuggers' and get down to business. 
Once again we must try to understand the Global Economic Meltdown.

I will not remain quiet while my civil liberties and general situation are 'totally effed over' by The Man. In today's investigation, we will investigate this Payment Protection Insurance 'Bull Shit.' (PPI BS.) 
Does anyone know wtf this thing is?
Does anyone know why these primitive, minimum wage call centre animals / automated recorded messages keep on phoning me?
Does ANYONE know what they want?

From what I understand, PPI BS is sold to poor people when they take out a loan. If you die / lose your job / decide to abuse compassionate leave, then the PPI BS-niggas will pay your loan for you.
Sounds pretty sweet.
(Might take out a short term / high interest loan to 'make ends meet' and then 'break a leg.')

To me, this situation absolutely reeks of the Galactic Economic Meltdown.
Just another day at the office for these fat cat city bankers - but I sort of feel bad for 'the kids' roped into doing this crappy, 9-5 job.
/:-/ compassionate-face.
It's like they're rounding up unself-aware savages and unemployed post grads to man the telephone lines. I'm sure we can all agree that the niggas managing these niggas need a new angle. 
(Maybe like that Meerkat Special Insurance advert.)

Getting progressively more confused and more apathetic about the whole situation. I think that I might move to the forest / a mountain and just lead a life of quiet contemplation. 
Does anyone know if they run decent Broadband connections into these locations? (I don't want any data-cap nonsense or a slow speed, obvs.)
Want a bit of time to think about 'life' but also want to stay abreast of current MP3s and MPEG movie files. 

I think that you can get these PPI refunds from your bank directly, so where do these jerkoffs fit into the equation?

Man, getting real effed off about these shenanigans. 
Might write a letter / send a strongly worded email to my local MP. 

xx (2 kisses.)
o (1 hug.)

RETRO SITUATIONS - ARE OLD VIDEO GAMES GOOD OR 'FUCKING BULLSHIT?'

Sort of feeling nostalgic for 'the good old days' of video gaming.
Come, let us reflect:

• We had traditional family values. 
• No DLC BS.
• Original IPs (and not endless 'gritty' reboots, sequels, prequels miscellaneous publishing / development sillybuggers, 'bonus content' (which was built into the original code), 'fucking bullshit' collectors edition / art book / fancypants case / soundtrack CD / Mobile App / superduper digital weapon / make believe amour / overpowered miscellaneous accessory / very fast horse / texture re-colour / forum access / soft toy situation / little plastic figurine nigga / _____).
• None of this endless patch and post-release update BS.

Feeling really angry now >:-( angryface. 
(Going to have to sit down for a bit.)

Maybe I'm looking back with 'the rose tinted glasses?' Maybe it was all 'fucking bullshit' back then, too? 
Obvs, there have been substantial improvements to our modern lives in the modern world. We enjoy technological wonders that our primitive-selves (around the mid-90s and early 00s) could only effing dream of. 
Come let us rejoice:

• Ecksbawks 360.
• Broadband.
• Medicine.
• Self-awareness.
• 'Fucking amazing' mobile phone handsets. 
• Cyberbullying.
• The ability to stream 'fucking amazing' nutritious pornography.
• Bewb jobs.
• Social networking situations.

Sort of feel 'completely overwhelmed' at times - with 'life' - but also with video games.

Sort of feel that I'm being left behind. (Metaphor.)

Sort of feel like there's so many graphics, so many AI, so many polygons, so many DRM BS, so many FPS reboots of 'classic franchises which effing suck - I can't even keep up sometimes :-? confused-face.

Sort of need to take metaphorical a step back. (Metaphor.) 

I've been playing a lot of retro computer games atm; games that my old desktop PC would struggle with (just so many graphics) my little Notebook laptop 'completely shits on.'

(Don't really like the potty humour. Just feel 'really strongly' about this situation.)

Anyways, I've been ummming and ahhhing about dusting off some old titles and playing them. (Didn't even need to pirate the content as I'd brought the CDs back in those dark days before torrents. I just want to recycle to make a diff.)

"Recycle!

Save the polar bears.

Do not waste our Earth's natural resources.

Recycle ffs!" - Haiku © 2013

iam___ might make this a new feature.

If you are interested in this new feature, please fill in the blanks below:

[   ] Yes.

[   ] No.

[   ] Not sure / don't care.

Why? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

(Just write on your monitor / screen, and then take a screenshot, and then send the screenshot to the Email, niggas.)

Going to 'have a look' at one of these RETRO SITUATIONS today and then see what the situation is tmw.

Keep it really, really real until next we meet, my nigs.

(Really starting to like you. I hope you like me too.)

xxx (3 kisses.)

BOOK WEEK - DAY 7

Hello, niggas.
I think we can all agree that things didn't go too well for BOOK WEEK (the major new gimmick brought to you by iam___) :-( sadface. Up until yesterday I'd only read 1 page of the digital eBook .PDF thingy.
Just so busy, my nigs.
Just so, so many other situations to attend to - and I can't be effed to manage my time efficiently. I'm not an office worker or a scientist; I am a just a blog.

A couple of concerned onlookers said that I needed to buy an actual, physical book - not only to look educational and wise - but also to read. 
Sort of feel bad that the book cost me £8.99.
Sort of feel like this pricing strategy is 'fucking bullshit.' 

"HOW are we supposed to educate,
the kids / next generation / yoof?
When a book costs more,
than a marijuana cigarette?" - Concerned Parent

I know this crazy hawt broad who made a really good point that, "It sort of balances out for all of the episodes you've (I've) downloaded."
I guess she's right, but still my feels still feel pretty bad about the situation.

Anyways, after buying the actual, physical book of Game of Thrones (Ice and Fire situations) I made some serious progress. 
Sort of feel that it's a 'real page turner.' 
Also, 1 A4 page of a .PDF = about 2.5 A5 pages of a 'book.' This is really good for morale and general street credibility.

"I believe that a slow page-per-minute sonofabitch is the lowest lifeform on our planet. (Earth.) They are literary mouth-breathers. Bottom feeders. If you rounded them all up and forced them all live in one country, this country would - of course - be Poland." - A major player on the local book scene

Oh noes. 
Don't want to end up on the receiving end of that ^^^.

So that concludes BOOK WEEK, my nigs. 
My advice to any member of the World Wide Web interested in taking up reading would be to buy the actual book.
Such a shame we can't pirate physical content :-( sadface.

Q&A
As you know, I am always on the lookout for 'an easy win' or 'the quick buck.' All of my amazing ideas involve securing government funding / The National Lottery Grant / Duke of Edinburgh Award situation / miscelaneous charitable scam. Do you think that saying I need some £££ to investigate a way to pirate physical content is 'the way forward?'
Is ^^^ idea 'fucking bullshit?' :-( sadface. (Say it ain't so.)
How to get 'the money for nothing and the chicks for free,' niggas?!
Had some pretty crazy sex during BOOK WEEK - do you think that this is:
a) Unrelated coincidence.
b) Because of the books.

Your opinion really counts. Also, we went through 17k visits :-) happyface. Thank you, the internet.

Good luck out there. 
(Sort of thinking forward towards the next gimmick atm. Not sure if I should investigate 'fucking bullshit' reality TV shows for a week, or be healthy for a week, or not drink for a week (again), or _____?)

Stay ethnic. Good luck out there. 
<3 heart symbol.

BOOK WEEK - DAY 6

I have read 1 page of A Game of Thrones -  Book 1.pdf :-( sadface.

(I have also watched Game of Thrones S03E06.mp4.)

BOOK WEEK - DAY 5

Sup, niggas?
(This question is rhetorical - but please feel free to discuss your feelings / general mental health situation 'in the comments'. Just want us all to get to know one another, social network, and promote World Peace 1 post at a time.)

Really not doing too well with BOOK WEEK :-( sadface. 

From what I understand, it is important to look at the words but is is equally - if not moreso - important to be SEEN to be looking at the words. 
Maybe this is where I'm going wrong, my nigs? Do I need to advertise my situation / let strangers know what books I'm 'into' by becoming a prominent member of my local book reading scene? Will this increase my page per minute situation? 

If I had to guess, I'd say that these places are the most legit to be seen reading:

• Library.
• Chain coffee shop.
• Miscellaneous crappy independent coffee shop / vegetarian restaurant.
• Bus shelter? 
• Special school for special children. (Obvs, not full on retardation - just 'something a little queer'.)
• Park.
• £10 haircut place waiting room.

"I am feeling pretty _____ about our local book reading scene atm. I sort of feel like everyone's trying too hard / illegitimate / too mainstream / too underground. I really miss the 'good old days' when books were books. Now it's all 'fucking bullshit'. I might move out of halls and into a student house at the start of the next academic year." - A major player on the local book scene

Anyways - hypothetically, do you think that my lack of progress with the book is down to the fact that I illegally downloaded the book and so it has no value to me? 
(^^^ This situation is purely hypothetical. I very strongly disagree with piracy as - from what I understand - it funds terrorism. I support our troops.)

Probs not going to get much reading done tonight either as I'm busy. 
(Just don't want to lie to you.)
Wish me luck, niggas! B-) shades-cool.

xxo (2 kisses & 1 hug.)

BOOK WEEK - DAY 4

Really starting to think that I might not be cut out for this 'book' malarkey.

There's just so many other situations that I need to attend to. I keep looking for Chrome browser tabs at the top of the book's pages, so that I can switch between tasks:

• Related topics.
• Torrent progress.
• Weather for tmw.
• Social networking situations.
• Pornographic situations. 
• Work and miscellaneous serious business.

"I am just 1 man.

1 man drowning in a sea of content.

1st World Problems are merciless. 

:-( sadface." - A Haiku

Sort of feel like it would be easier / more efficient to just download content directly into my brain, similar to the major motion picture Matrix World for Keanu Reeves. As you know, I'm not a scientist, but I would really like to explore this exciting project. Do you think that I'll be able to secure The National Lottery Grant / Duke of Edinburgh Award funding for this exciting project? Maybe Dragons Den will 'hook a nigga up'? 
Just want to be given 'mad bank' for basically doing not a lot, and I believe that a 'fucking bullshit' idea like this is the best way to go about it. What do you think?

Still only read 1 page of my BOOK WEEK book, Life is a Game of Thrones. 
:-( sadface. 
:'-( sadface-with-tear.
Idk, maybe I'm not taking it seriously enough? It's been a long time since I read my last book - so maybe I've forgotten how to 'tune out the BS' (life) and take my situation to such great heights (read a book)?

Maybe TONIGHT should be THE NIGHT.
Maybe need to 'effing apply myself'.
Maybe need to have a quiet night in.
(^^^ probs not going to happen as it's Saturday :-) happyface.)

When you were at school, slumming it in the Parent / Teacher evening, did your teacher say that you, "Really needed to apply yourself?"
Did you think to yourself, "Why?"
Did it turn out that they were right or a 'fucking asshole'?
Is reading a dying art form? 
If it IS dying, should we make the final push and kill it dead - limiting all written communication to short blog posts and bullet-points?

Gtg, man. I'm really behind schedule. 
xx (2 kisses.)

BOOK WEEK - DAY 3

I have (still only) read 1 page of A Game of Thrones -  Book 1.pdf :-( sadface.

BOOK WEEK - DAY 2

I have read 1 page of A Game of Thrones -  Book 1.pdf :-( sadface.

BOOK WEEK - DAY 1

After yesterdays Earth shattering situation, I have decided to read a 'book'. BOOK WEEK is the legit new iam___ gimmick, which will forever document this 7 day journey. 
Lets get started, hmmm?

Not really sure where to start tbh :-( sadface.

From what I understand, there's 'fucking so many' books out there. (Maybe as many books as there are sites on the internet :-O amazeface.)

In my mind, I ran this roleplay scenario in my mind:

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Fade In

A handsome man strides purposely into a bookshop. (You can obvs tell that he's well versed in shenanigans with the opposite sex. This is probs due to a life of sexual adventure in fancypants museums and on sponsored floral roundabouts.) 

He looks at some books.
     An attractive (but also meek) broad who works there approaches him. "Are you looking for anything in particular," it says.
     "Idk. What do you have, Boo?"
     "A huge selection of books. What are your interests? Have you seen the major television drama (from HBO) Game of Thrones."
     "Yes."
     "Well, the series is based on books."
     The man is confused. "I am confused," he says.
     "The series is based on books."
     "Fuck."

Fade Out

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I don't think that I'm ready to go into an actual bookshop. (It's been so long, my nigs.)
It would be like going into miscellaneous crappy record shop and being dragged into a metaphorical 'pissing contest' with the minimum wage nigga on the till. Idk who the kewl authors are. Don't know if I'm ready to commit the time to know yet. (Might try 1 book then see how I feel.)

Anyways, for DAY 1 of BOOK WEEK I've chosen a book, based upon the recommendations of the broad in my roleplaying exercise. 
I am going to read Life is a Game of Thrones. 
(I definitely did not pirate this.)
(Going to take the rest of the day off.)

Gtg, lots of reading to do tmw!
^___^ optimistic-Kawaii-Asian-face