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Sunday 22 September 2013

LIFE: DO YOU / ARE YOU A MILF?

Y'all. As the circle of life spins we become more self-aware; our MP3 collection becomes more refined and we become more accustomed to 'turning a blind eye' to the 3rd World :-) happyface.
However, from what I understand unless you commit to a calorie deficient diet / exercise, we also become more unattractive :-( sadface.

I am confused.
I am 'thinking about life'. 
I am thinking about the promotion of my personal brand in the crowded urban environment.
I was discussing ^^^ these situations with a platonic girl friend. Using my eyes I noticed that she was no longer a spring chicken and had evolved into a hen - a member of the bird family. She had become a milf.




Have y'all heard about milf? Y'all may remember the major motion picture One American Pie, where a young man sleeps with an older woman. She was sort of _____ looking but still very sexually active.  From what I understand, 'milf' stands for 'mother that I would like to fuck' :-O amazed-face. 

At the start of this post I was like, "Whatever," about the Milf Economy - but now I don't know what to think. Although the lack of buoyancy in the physical department could be disastrous, in theory they should know more advanced sexual shenanigans which should 'blow your effing mind, y'all.' They may also have a steady job / career situation, which hopefully won't be in a BS industry like teaching or customer service.


Q&A
Are you / your peers turning into a milf as the circle of life spins and we all grow older?
Should we embrace the Milf Economy or 'violently reject its teachings'?
Would you rather:
a) Date someone much younger - Tons of amazing sex. Both parties are very excited. "This is new. I hope my peers / parents don't 'lose their shit.'"
b) Date someone a lil younger - Loads of props from your peers and high 5's from strangers in the modern urban environment?
c) Date Someone EXACTLY the same age - Making a big deal when it comes to birthdays. "We are loling out loud because it is BOTH our birthdays today."
d) Date someone a lil older - Eating out in reasonably priced restaurants / takeaway 1 - 4 times a week. Talking about feelings. "I want to FEEL again."
e) Date someone much older Tons of amazing sex. Miscellaneous reasonable holiday to crappy European holiday destination. 
You MUST choose one.
Has C. Cox had too much plastic surgery or should she have more?
Would you have sex with your friends Mum / Dad?
If you did, and you got caught, would you blame it on the parent saying they coerced you / raped you?
(I'd probably not have sex with my friends Mum / Dad as friendship is way too important to me.)

xxx
(3 kisses.)

Friday 20 September 2013

IS THE BEARD ECONOMY ABOUT TO IMPLODE?

From what I understand the Beard Economy is huge atm. Men can grow them. Women like to look at / touch them. From smoking hawt broads who study for a BS degree, right through to frumpy women who middle-manage a call centre - it's a fact
Unfortunately, all trends decline on a long enough timeline :-( sadface.

Those 'in the know' are starting to turn on the Beard Economy and violently reject its teachings. 

As y'all no doubt remember, there was a time when ironic twiddly mustaches were all the rage. Could you imagine such an individual in today's crowded urban environment? I am aghast.
Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Seems 'effing retarded' in today's modern world.

Remember, YOU are accountable for your appearance / personal branding. It's not like when your parents sent you out into the crowded urban environment wearing an Adidas jacket / poor people shoe combo. You can no longer blame things on them. 
YOU are accountable for _____.

As the circle of life spins we must stay true to ourselves and our own personal branding decisions; however we must also avoid being 'that guy' and know when it's time to move on. 




"Think of yourself / your situation as a lizard. 
As the new you grows, the old you must be shed,
similar to the lizard's skin. 
Rejoice!" - Life


Q&A
Selecting from the list bellow, what's more counterproductive to your ability to create the opportunity to 'cum'?
a) Steampunk pedophile mustache?
b) Fancypants tramp beard?
c) Authentic tramp beard?
d) 'Doing a Hitler'?
e) Bass-man from band long beard? (Queens of the Stone Age / The Pantereas.)
f) Rapist spiral tash?
g) Movember in July early adopter?
h) Handsome-man post-breakup beard?
i) Plumber's Holiday beard?
j) Patchy prepubescent 20something beard?
k) Neckbeard?

Where's the line drawn between legitimate poor hygiene homeless man facial hair / cool man facial hair?



Good luck out there, y'all.

xx
(2 kisses.)

Thursday 19 September 2013

UNDERSTANDING THE ECONOMIC DOWNTURN 7 - THE OWL ECONOMY

Y'all no doubt know, the only thing that got us through those initial stages of the Eurozone Crisis was the sale of Keep Calm and Carry On merchandise. 
Mugs. Clothing. Posters. _____.
Several years later the Keep Calm and Carry On Economy is yesterday's news; these days the Owl Economy is big business - generating literally hundreds of pounds every quarter.  

Affordable owl products are sold by the kilo to middle-aged Ally McBeal-type women, but also to spunky broads riding cutesy-cutesy Zooey DeSchanel waves.

People are literally queuing up to co-brand their situation with owls.
Owls are wise - creating an impression of depth and intelligence.
Owls are also able to fly - allowing a savvy consumer to hint at a free-spirited personal brand + daydreams.

Accepting all of this as truth, let's examine some of the incredible products available to us via the Owl Economy:



Owl Pin Badge

This is a 'pocket money' item. 
Approachable but also mysterious.

Owl Coaster Set

The perfect size for a glass of Red - whether to celebrate that big promotion or just to escape from a passive-aggressive relationship / abusive husband.



Owl Jumper Situation

Absolutely ideal to mix with a kute polka-dot raaraa skirt or swirly ankle-length dress.





Owl Casual Wear 

Men can also enjoy owl products, y'all. This handsome man is wearing an owl longsleeve top. 
B-) shades-cool.

Owl Night Light

Owl night light.





There are thousands if not millions of owl products available via the Owl Economy.
Treat y'allself! ;-) confident-winking-face.


Q&A
When the Owl Economy collapses, what will be the next big thing?
a) Badgers? 
b) Inorganic and forced 70's revival?
Analysts say that you should liquidate everything and invest in Owls. Do you agree?
What does The DOW Jones stand for? 
Do you care about your personal / national dept or do you just say, "Fuck it. I am sure that it will sort itself out."

An Eagle Owl is terrifying. It grows about the size of a medicine ball and they attack foals :-O amazed-face.




Wednesday 18 September 2013

1STWP: ARE SIRENS ON EMERGENCY SERVICE VEHICLES TOO LOUD?

(1st World Problems is a regular feature on iam___ where we explore the many dangers which threaten us as self-aware members of the 1st World. Let's see what today's situation is.)

-----


Hey, y'all. As y'all know - we must constantly be striving to improve our quality of life in the 1st World. We have a responsibility to 'show the others how it's done'. 

We must constantly:


  • Exploit those less self-aware than we are to provide us with goods and services 'for the right price'.
  • Avoid paying for things that we're entitled to (MP3s, utility bills, unsecured wireless networks).
  • Do Flash Mobs / change our Facebook profile pictures to facilitate change.
  • Do charity funruns to placate the White Guilt.


I am planning to send a strongly worded email / create an e-Petition to complain about emergency services vehicles; the unacceptable noise which they make startles me and potentially compromises my personal brand. 
Remember, you NEVER know who's watching you, analysing you, and judging you. That's a fact. Can you afford to be 'caught with your pants down' and show fear, hmmm?

Unfortunately, I have not researched the issue - but if I had to guess - I would say that the sirens are loud for the following reasons:
a) To make people notice that THIS is an emergency.
b) 'A small man syndrome'.
c) Show off.
d) Too many buddy-cop films (Lethal Weapon, K9 Police Dog, The Other Guys).
e) To cut through the noise of the modern urban environment.
f) Because it is fun.
g) Very selfish reasons.




As you're no doubt aware, we ALL have emergencies in today's modern world.
Come. Let us reflect:


  • Mobile phone on low battery.
  • Shop about to close.
  • Late for work. "I hope middle management / management does not notice. I do not need this so close to my quarterly pay review."
  • Several important things that need doing during a 1 hour lunch break.
  • Extending our social network.



Who's to say who's emergency is more pressing?
OURS, as we walk from A to B trying to have a conversation on our phone ffs.
SOME OLD DEAR, who can't feel her legs.
?

Take care of y'allselves.
<3 heart symbol.

Tuesday 17 September 2013

LIFE: DO YOU CARE ABOUT YOUR CARBON FOOTPRINT OR DO YOU NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR CARBON FOOTPRINT?

From what I understand our amazing planet is in serious danger, y'all.
Come. Let us reflect:


  • Pollution.
  • Negative Vibes. 
  • Greenhouse Gas Emissions.
  • O Zone Layer.


All of ^^^ this BS equates to our Carbon Footprint. Fortunately, there are several ways to reduce our Carbon Footprint - ensuring that we leave a vibrant and beautiful world for our children and not some 'effing retarded' post apocalyptic wasteland, similar to the major motion picture The Road or Central Poland. 
Recycling. Planting trees. Charity funruns. We can also go and build a well in the 3rd World; this provides precious drinking water for brown people and also alleviates our White Guilt. THESE are our tools to create a better tomorrow. 

We all must do our bit and stop playing sillybuggers with Mother Nature. 



Q&A
Do you believe in Recycling or does it probably just end up in the landfill?
Which animal will we successfully drive to extinction next?
a) Giant Panda Bear?
b) Tiger? (Obviously a member of the Cat family.)
d) White Rhino Animal?
e) Miscellaneous Insect? (No one really cares about this one.)
f) Hawksbill Turtle?
Should we, as a species, stop trying to make these ^^^ amazing animals extinct and instead concentrate our efforts on rubbish animals, which deserve to be 'murdered'? (Seagulls / Wasps etc.)
Is the O Zone Layer real? It seems like it could be a made up thing.




x

(1 kiss.)

Monday 16 September 2013

LIFE: MY CAT JUMPED OUT OF MY WINDOW. I AM THINKING ABOUT 'LIFE'

Sup, y'all.
?

As y'all no doubt know, I have a cat called Mao-Mao LOL.

Sometimes I look down at her and I'm like OMG; send a prayer up to Caucasian Jesus and the several brown religions that her and my paths crossed. We're more than just 'owner' and 'pet' - stumbling into a master / slave situation - we're in a partnership of equals

Unfortunately she jumped out of my window. I live in a top floor flat in the modern urban environment, so this did not end well. Not at all. 

This is a flow chart of her journey:

Window > 4 stories down > concrete patio.





At 1st I was like :-O amazed face and then I was like /:-/ concerned face and then I was like :-( sadface. I thought that she'd explode to the floor, similar to the helicopter in the major motion picture Black Hawk is Down, Y'all!





She's okay - just a broken leg - but geewizz it made me feel incredibly vulnerable. Now I'm thinking about 'life', and my own mortality, and my future IRL (in the modern urban environment) and OTI (in cyberspace).

Want to live each day as if it's my last.

Want to run up a mountain and say, "Yes."
Want to 'cum' with women of all nationalities / levels of attractiveness.
Want to meet a special someone with the ideal nipple to areola ratio.
Want to dance the dance of life, both in a relevant nightclub but also on railway property.
Want to stand on top of a building with a thunderous Caucasian erection. "Look," I say. "Look at me. Believe."


Q&A

On a Scale of 1 to 10 ('1' being 'Casual' and '10' being 'Complete Fucking Disaster') how serious a situation is this?
1) Casual?
2) 24 television show atom bomb detonation?
3) The Syria Situation?
4) Israel Vs Kuwait Massacre?
5) Earthquake & Tsunami combo for Japan?
6) Battle of 1066? Arrow in the eye for the King Harold '-(
7) The Millennium Bug?
8) 'Swine Flu'?
9) WWII (2)?
10) Complete Fucking Disaster?

Should I try and exploit this situation like Madeline McCain?


Today has been brought to you by animals and also gravity.

Gtg.
I am feeling vulnerable.




Sunday 15 September 2013

IS NETFLIX A LOAD OF OLD CODSWALLOP?

As you're no doubt aware it's 1 of our basic human rights to illegally download content from the internet. It truly is a victimless crime.
Come. Let us rejoice:

1) Reduces Global Warming - No physical media, booklet, or packaging to clutter up your living space in the modern urban environment.

2) Encourages / Cyberbullies the Artist - To survive in the current intergalactic economic downturn and monitise their situation they must offer us only their best MP3s. We can sample them Ă  la Carte. We will stomach no BS or filler.
3) Revenge - We've all been wronged by The Money behind the artists. Pre-ordering, limited editions, and reissues have made us all very >:-( angryface. NOW is our time to strike back for great justice.
4) Ease of Access - Satellites > Internet > Electricity > Computer.
5) The Price is Right - £0

Accepting all of this as truth, we must take content 'as a given' and offer content creators money only on OUR terms. (Merchandise / limited edition thingy / emotional photography book / T Shirt / live experience.)


Have y'all heard of The Netflix? From what I understand, Netflix plugs into your laptop and offers you films and TV shows. 

Thought I'd give it a try in order to 'give something back'.



Pros:
Free Trial.
Easy to cancel. No 'fucking bullshit' cancellation scam.
Nice, clean interface. 

Cons:

HD streaming does not work. Not at all.
Limited selection of TV shows.
Sort of like to have a copy of the content. From what I understand Netflix only streams content and offers no files for downloading. Feel like this is unacceptable.


Q&A

Do you believe in The Netflix?
Is paying for content for lameOs and squares?
When was the last time you paid for content?
Who are these people who still pay for MP3s?
Should iTunes be bundled with Internet Explorer to offer 'the complete internet experience' to primitive internet users?

Today was brought to you by Netflix.

xxxo

(3 kisses & 1 hug.)

Saturday 14 September 2013

ARE MICRO 12.5G POUCHES OF TOBACCO LEGIT?

Hey, y'all. Let's get down to business, hmmm?
After the illegal War on Terror we, as a species, learned the following situations:


  • Always question The Man.
  • Automatically distrust The Old Media and antiquated authority figures.
  • e-Petitions can change the world.
  • 1 Flashmob in the crowded urban environment is more powerful than 10 Tomahawk Missiles in the crowded urban environment.

Seems like Uncle Tom's been up to his old tricks again; trying to feed us another line. This time round it's pouches of tobacco. 

The Man / Enemy would have us believe that these newfangled micro pouches contain as much nutritious tobacco as the normal sized ones. Obviously this a load of olds codswallop - a textbook slice of misdirection by conglomerate retailers, corrupt politician men, Fat Cat city banker-man men, and extortionate cornershop business models.  

From what I understand, these pouches are vacuum packed or something to force maximum tobacco per square inch of packaging. Unfortunately, I have not researched the issue - but if I had to guess - I would say that the tobacco companies are trying to reduce their Carbon Footprint. As y'all know we only have 1 planet and must take every step to protect it. 
That means cutting greenhouse emissions by 2018. 
That means no driving your car, unless it is an electric car. 
That means we must force China to stop pollution by 2031.  


Q&A
How the eff can we make The Man admit that these micro pouches contain about 10.5g - 11g and not 12.5g?
These pouches look a lil bit kute - do you like them?
Should the major DIY teddybear retailer, Build A Bear, jump onboard and offer these micro pouches of tobacco as accessories for delinquent teddybears?





Is giving your child a poor selection of accessories for his / her Build A Bear enabling them to grow into the future deadbeat boyfriends / single mothers of tomorrow?

Don't even smoke anymore unless it's a special occasion. 
Just sick of being lied to by mysterious illuminati-man figures.  

"I want my child,
to grow up in a world,
free from _____.
Free." - an incredibly vulnerable Haiku © 2013

<3
(Heart symbol.)

Friday 13 September 2013

IS REGGAE DISASTROUS FOR YOUR LONGTERM PERSONAL BRANDING SOLUTION?

Y'all. As y'all know I'm constantly trying to learn more about this amazing world that we live in. 
From what I understand, dozens of nationalities make up this amazing world that we live in - each with their own individual situations. Although these situations may seem 'primitive' or strange to us, we must investigate these nationalities in the following ways:

  • Exploit, dumb-down, and adapt their culture into bite-sized content suitable for the refined Western palate. (MP3s / shanty town montage music video / City of God film / Fashion situations.)
  • Pursue the opportunity to 'cum' with exotic minorities. (Asians.)

Accepting all of ^^^ this as truth, have y'all heard about the Reggae music?


From what I understand, the Reggae-man is synonymous with the marijuana-man - smoking literally grams of 'wackybacky' in a single sitting. Part of me pities them as they are 'lazy treefrogs' but part of me envies them a life of Mario Kart marathons and simple carbohydrate ready meals.

As you no doubt know ^^^ that lifestyle is unsustainable on a long enough timeline, as we must all eventually grow up and stop playing sillybuggers. Therefore I am highly concerned about an adult (25+) who is 'into' the Reggae music.


Q&A
Have you co-branded your situation with Reggae?
Do you have a bf / gf / bff who's 'into' Reggae, or would you 'not be caught dead' with such a character?
There's a certain something something about a bunch of white men playing the Reggae jam. What is this 'thing'?
a) Childlike naivete?
b) Hackysack football?
c) Free-spirit situation?
d) Poor grades at GCSE level (no core subjects :-( sadface)?
e) Cheap, South American Fender Squire guitar?

Please make informed decisions when creating / maintaining your personal brand.

Know when it is time to let go of 'the old you' and start investing in 'the new you'.

xx
(2 kisses.)