WHAT DOES THE INTERNET MEAN TO Y'ALL?

The internet is many things to many people. To a busy Japanese businessman it's work, uploading spreadsheets to his team in Honshu. To a domestically abused housewife it's escape, trawling through Yahoo! Answers looking for advice. To a sexually confused tween it's guidance, searching for a new haircut / Arctic Monkey MP3.
To a woman in a stale relationship it's adventure - she's buying an over-sized T from ASOS. It is reasonably priced.

There's also news and amazing pornography. 

What do y'all use the internet for / what does it mean to y'all?

We all should be thankful that we live in this perfect storm of free content and cheap broadband. Rejoice! 

Q&A
How much time have you spent OTI today? (The correct answer should be at least 3 hours.)
Obviously when you're at work you 'surf the world wide web' instead of working. It's a given. Do you hide it from management who have the potential to discipline you - but not bother hiding it from middle management who have no real power over you? It's a respect thing, too. 
Wtf is 'Java'?
Do you have favorite pornographic content or are you 'always looking for something new'? (Much like primitive man hunting the Buffalo to extinction.)

In this post I've been exploring my relationship with the internet as a savvy content consumer living in the modern world.

xx (2 kisses.)

PYPB - FASHION OVER FUNCTION

(PYPB / Promoting Your Personal Brand is an informative new feature on iam___ where we investigate how to promote your personal brand, both OTI and AFK.)

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Y'all. As you're no doubt aware there are thousands if not millions of people in this amazing world that we live in. In order to increase our exposure and market share there are several steps that we need to take:

• Posting ambiguous selfies in flattering lighting.
• Harvesting MP3s from the internet. 
• Adopting fruityloop fashion accessories.

These ^^^ things separate you from the pack and make people be all like, 'OMG,' when you cross paths. Obviously, you don't need me to tell you this.

Really want to use this post to promote someone with an incredibly strong personal branding solution.

Wearing no shoes in winter / in the crowded urban environment is a bold decision; it demonstrates that you're free-spirited, rustic, and also disbelieving in BS concepts like germs or temperature. Those things are mainstream. You are free.


Q&A
How far would you place fashion over function?
a) Thick scarf / hot day combo?
b) Face tattoo?
c) Favorite sunglasses inside?
d) Tanktop / November combo?
e) Beanie hat 24/7, 365?
f) Ironic wheelchair action?
g) Tiny handbag / large inventory mismanagement?
h) High-heel / short BF combo?
i) High-heel / hill combo?
j) Sporadic prepubescent beard situation into your 20's?
Are germs real? (Seems like they could be a made up thing created by The Man so we buy Oven Cleaner and Branded Handwash Solutions.)
Is rejecting shoes a byproduct of travelling to Asia / finding yourself?
Wtf is 'Jimmy Choo'?

Remain self-aware, y'all. 
x (1 kiss.)

YOU'RE WORLD: I AM USING SELF-TAN IN OCTOBER.

(YOU'RE WORLD is an astonishing feature where we try to become more self-aware by understanding other people's situations. iam___ readers, just like you, write in and tell us about themselves. Let's see what this week's situation is, hmmm?)

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I have always been sociable.
I was popular during high school and my market share was extensive during my Beauty BTEC / Travel & Tourism BTEC / Media BTEC / miscellaneous BS college BTEC.
Unfortunately, I was unable to find work in my field straight out of education - but fuck it - everything happens for a reason. I am sure that it will be okay.

For the last 3 months I have been working at the moderately priced highstreet chain, Boots. I am excited because my probationary period is nearly over. Soon I will receive a staff discount card. (10% across the store (except for 'high-end electrics'). I will lend it to you, but you have to promise to look after it.)

I apply the fake tan to my face. 
Sunbeds / spray tan combos are for losers. Hello? It's 2013 calling. I use self-tanning moisturiser situations. The results are so real; like I've been to a miscellaneous European country on a reasonably priced holiday with my bf - leaving behind Dominos 2 4 1 Tuesdays / a stale sex life and getting lost in a dizzy adventure, sipping Sangria in Corfu. 
If leaving self-tan on for 10 mins makes it look natural, then leaving it on for 15 mins makes it look even more naturaller. 
This stuff isn't rocket surgery ;-]

People look at me in the street.
They are jealous of my personal brand.

Obviously I only tan the oval of my face; I leave my neck / forehead / ears - no one cares about that stuff.

I am looking at you. Are you looking at me?

I am just me being 'me'. It is my choice to be 'orange' in the middle of Autumn - just as it is your choice to be a 'fish-skinned shade of beige' all year round. 
We can agree to disagree.
The world keeps turning.
I am comfortable. 

I am taking selfies.

I am of above average attractiveness. I am _____.

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'Jesus Christ'.
Do you have any advice for this broad? Remember to offer only your most constructive feedback in the comments. (Plz no internet trollers.) Whoever offers the most self-aware and socially responsible advice will receive over 100 iamawaitingyourereading points.

Good luck, y'all!
xxx (3 kisses.)

THE GRUFFALO MURDERED ME. (A DREAM.)

Last night I had a dream that the bear-man from Where the Wild Things Are came to murder me, but after careful internet research I discovered that it was the Gruffalo.
I am aghast.

From what I understand, Gruffalo has a very approachable personal brand and is part of a popular children's franchise for children. This shocking turn of events left me feeling highly suspicious of any Gruffalo-related product or service. 

I am in the woods. I am feeling vulnerable. #getting_back_to_nature.
I understand that 'playing in the woods' is a pastime of poor people with moderate broadband speed / limited mobile internets. This is not 'me'.
I am feeling :-(
Gruffalo arrives and we skip down the mossy path. (Not gay.)
I am feeling :-)
     I really liked the film you made back in the day, I say to Gruffalo.
     "That wasn't me," he replies. "You're thinking of Where the Wild Things Are."
     I am sorry.
     "That's cool. It happens all the time, man."
Time passes and I realise that Gruffalo is not legit. Not at all. He is an adult man / moth-monster who spends all day / night with children; from what I understand this obviously makes him a peodofile. How could I have been so blind? Things deteriorate rapidly. 
     "I will kill again," says Gruffalo. 
     Oh. 
     :-(
(I did not watch his film.)


Q&A
Is Where the Wild Things Are / Gruffalo 'basically the same thing'?
Unfortunately, I've not researched the issue - but if I had to guess - I'd say that Gruffalo weighs about 400lbs. After my nightmare I armed myself with a screwdriver and checked my house for danger. Would a screwdriver protect me from Gruffalo or are we realistically looking at a shotgun / spear combo?
If you were being mercilessly hunted by a cartoon who would you choose?
a) ET?
b) Snoopy Dog?
c) Fatso Garfield Cat
d) Starscream Decepticon?
e) Miscellaneous Clever-clogs Political Cartoon?
f) Alf?
Just want to ask 1 question - is Gruffalo an abomination?

Keep safe, y'all.
xx (2 kisses.)

UNDERSTANDING THE TEACHER STRIKE

Y'all. It's that time of year when lazy treefrog public sector workers need to keep things casual. That TV series / DIY home improvement project / GTA V isn't going to finish itself, y'all. We must show delicate compassion; respecting their decision and taking our children to the cinema / bowling / lunch at a moderately priced & child-friendly restaurant. 
We only have one life. Would you waste it 'teaching utter BS to stupid little snots'? 

As savvy 20 - 30 somethings living in the modern urban environment, most of that noise doesn't concern us. Although we must always pursue the opportunity to 'cum' we must also 'make fucking sure' that mess ends up crashing against some form of contraceptive device. (Obviously - the condom, the coil, the pill, the arm implant / amazing vagina combo, or 'pulling out at the last second' / napkin combo.) 
So how does the teacher strike situation effect us / what the eff does it mean?
Continuing with our 2013 campaign to encourage understanding, we read 1 - 2 paragraphs of this BBC story and then we move on to the next meme.

"Thousands of schools are closed across much of England as teachers strike over pay, pensions and jobs." - BBC

Seems like at least 100% of teacher strikes are about ^^^ this.

Feeling sort of, "Meh," about the situation.

Feel that The Man / government and the teachers should just agree to disagree and move on.

Q&A

How far did you get through the BBC news story? (I only did a paragraph and then skimmed through. I am feeling :-) happyface because I am learning about the world / making a difference in the world.)

What is the coil?

Have you ever 'gone bareback' then worried for days / weeks after about 'pre-cum' situations? 

I left a comment saying, "Eff the Labour Party! Eff social reform situations!" What hateful nonsense did you say?

Is working for the public sector 'an amazing effing win' as you can take loads of time off illegally/ legally?

PROMOTING YOUR PERSONAL BRAND: AN INTRODUCTION

As y'all no doubt know there are billions of people in the world but only one you.
As self-aware members of the 1st World we all have a responsibility to be the best that we can be - encouraging jealousy not only in the 3rd World, but also in those 'lower down the food chain' than we are within our local community. This may seem like an intimidating task at first, but fortunately there are a number of activities which can help.
Come. Let us reflect:

• Charity bake sale. (Embracing the Cupcake Economy.)
• Nail selfies. 
• Charity funruns. 
• Temporarily leaving the 1st World to build a well / school / farm / miscellaneous social hub in the 3rd World.
• Creating, maintaining, and promoting your personal brand.

All of ^^^ these activities are excellent. They're fun to participate in - alleviating our White Guilt, but simultaneously 'keep the poor man down', as he cannot participate in these fun activities :-( sadface. From what I understand he has 3rd World Problems like eating food, clean water, and AK-47 machine gun. 

Let's get real ffs. You may think that this stuff is easy but you're fucking dead wrong.
Similarly to the mighty plains of Africa, there's also a pecking order in the modern urban environment. 
Carnivores. Herbivores. 
Are you a lion or 'just another sheep in the wall'?  

Haircut. Clothing. Accessories. Tattoos, but also body piecing / non-prescription glasses combo. MP3s. 
These ^^^ are the things that make you, 'you'. 

We're going to go through all this in an exciting new feature on iam___ called PROMOTING YOUR PERSONAL BRAND. 


Q&A
Out of 10 how would you rate your position within your local community (1 being not very good and 10 being The Cool One)?
People keep on banging on about cupcakes, but experts are starting to violently reject their teachings :-O. Accepting this as truth, which economy will collapse first - the Cupcake Economy or the Beard Economy?
Do you 'judge people for who they are on the inside' or do you 'judge a book by it's cover'?
Just want to ask 1 question really - where is Syria?

Gtg, y'all. Keep safe out there.
<3 heart symbol.