LITTLE LOL: THAILAND'S TRAINS

I don't know what Thai is for 'sexy bitch' but Kooky is a sexy bitch. 

Today's Little Lol is brought to you (via Thailand's trains).

Bangkok's main train station. I feel like it should be bigger.
Liek Victoria or something. 

I meet Kooky on the train from Bangkok to Chiang Mai. Kooky looks like some anime cartoon came to life and learned how to use eye liner. She has short bangs which flank her face to either side. Kooky isn't her real name, of course. She has one of those half-assed, 'sort-of-in-the-right-ballpark' names, which Asians seem to adopt around Westerners.
In addition to being hawt, she also hooks this one up some work for my return to Bangkok. 
Basically, I teach 'the kids' English and shit and peel away the many layers of mystery and mistrust which cling to the 'white devil' - and in return I get to tag along with them on tours and activities. 
Seems legit.

Anyways - Thailand's Trains.
They're kind of a fucking lollercoaster.
Maybe they are the living embodiment of a lollercoaster?
It's amateur night.

In England we have a hissy fit if a train is delayed by 5mins. (I know this. I have been that guy.) 
My train was delayed by 1hour +. "We're making good time today," she says.
Sister, I don't think we are. Not at all.

You have to book the train in advance.
You cannot 'turn up on the day and hope for the best'.
If you do, you will be walking. Or worse - stuck in Bangkok. 
Oh noes.

Oh, and the journey took like 13 hours. Disgusting. 
The staff offer you food like they're testing Mars for signs of life.
Will these parameters be acceptable?
Is the test subject still responsive?
Is he actually eating that slop?

I don't even know what munch they served up. Think a stale Pot Noodle with a fig roll crushed over the top.

This one doesn't recommend it.

Anyways, tying my flag to the mast of this language school thing seems like a good idea. They have 1 tutor to 15 kids and I absolutely tower above them (via being a strong white male. Like Fred Durst).

Goodnight, the internet. I love you. <3 heart symbol.

* 'Sexy bitch' in Thai is ตัวเมียเซ็กซี่. 'Not sure how to pronounce that. Shame. Real shame.

AN ENGLISHMAN IN BANGKOK 2

So not booking somewhere to stay in advance seemed like a real good idea at the time. As I walk around the streets of Bangkok alone at midnight without a fucking clue - maybe not so much. 

'Felt bad, man. 
'Felt bad.

I don't know anything about anything. I wander around for a long, long, long, long time. 

Maybe I was a bit cavalier about being able to find a hotel straight off the bat? (I was.) Or maybe it's because I'm new to this travel situation? (I am.) But for a while there I was royally fucked. 

'Felt bad, man.

Then I meet a bro who points me towards the Cozy Bangkok.

Seen here in the light of day. 'Stupid thing was that I'd walked
past this sign like 3 times already.

The Cozy Bangkok was literally - literally - just closing up as I went past. Like the innkeeper to the Joseph and to the Mary, the broad on the door tells me that they're all out of rooms. Instead of offering me the barn though, she says that all they have left is the Honeymoon Suite. Sold. Sold twice over - just let me in - please God just let me in.

This was my living room. £17.
Legit.

The next day I walk around the streets like Alice down the rabbit hole for hours before Sommset finds me and shows me the way. Sommset is a Thai native in his late 50's. Sommset is a Chinese Buddhist. Sommset is a bro. 

He shows me some pretty cool shit. Picture related.

Some pretty cool shit.

That statue weighs 5 tonnes and is 98% gold. It's the biggest solid gold statue in the world. You'll find it at Wat Traimit. (Wat means Temple. 'Dunno what Traimit means.) This blog is informative.

Wat Traimit.
(I took this photo at an angle to make it look cool.)

Sommet is a bro. He looks like a tortoise spent too much time in the sun, 'got real tanned, and then grew a wispy black beard to accessorise. He dresses in tan clothes and has a sweet pocket watch. He's on a fun-sized pilgrimage to go to a temple in the old city and to buy some crap for his son. "Would I like to come with him?" he says.

All my yes.

We weave our way through the streets and the markets of Bangkok and China Town. People use words like 'bustling,' 'crowded,' and 'chaotic.' These adjectives don't even touch the sides. It's moar like someone got 20 sets of Lego Technic and poured them out over concrete. 

It's absolute madness.

Pretty madness. But madness.

Bro's edge through rammed streets on cobbled together mopeds.
Chef's sell stuff that I'm not sure if it's vegetable, animal, or mineral.
Vendor's offer everything. Just anything and everything.
Tbf, I've only seen 1 brothel so far. Tbh, I'm not sure how I feel about paying for sex. I'm like, 'I look after kittens. I'm not bad looking. Does this one need to pay?' I'll see how that pans out. 

Sommset says, "China Town is one big market."
Sommset is a bro.

I've got to be honest, the internet. Part of me thought this was some scam. Like, maybe Sommset would betray the bond that exists between bros and lead me down some alleyway where I would be mugged, conned, or murder death killed. 'Feels bad that this is the wariness we have of a stranger's kindness in the West. Maybe we're kind of dicks. 

This is a holy tree. Folk's tie stuff onto it for some reason.
This one wasn't really paying attention.

Sommset's legit, though. We part company at the old city. He says I'll be okay. He says you can tell the tourists who're going to get into trouble. They wear baggy pants and sandals and look, "Like a stupid fuck," he says.

Not my photo, but you get the idea.

Anyways, I left Bangkok yesterday. I'm in Chiang Mai atm.

'Feels good, man.
'Feels good.


WHAT HAVE WE LERNED?

• Mostly, Thai's are pretty legit. I haven't had any grief yet.
• A curbside meal costs about £1 and is delicious!
• Booze is about £1.40ish for a large bottle of beer.
• Smokes are £1.40 - £1.80ish. (I'm smoking. When in Rome...)
• Tuk Tuk driver's are mostly dicks.
• There're lots of stray cats :( sadface.
• There're lots of stray dogs. #whocares #getlost
• That is all.

AN ENGLISHMAN IN BANGKOK

   "Are you going to Thailand to get fucked up?" they ask.
   "Are you going to Thailand to get relaxed zzz?" they ask.
   "Are you going to Thailand to find yourself, man?" they ask.
I guess the answer's all and none of the above. I mostly just want to do something else. Something different.

Travelling light. Keeping it legit.

I love Brighton - England, not so much - but I do love Brighton. It's home. But after awhile it's easy to take it for granted.

I guess going away for a spell draws a line and plants a fullstop at the end of 2012; then 2013 can begin properly. I did it last year when I went off to Toronto - and then when I came back - I appreciated home, life, love, and everything else inbetween a little bit more.

Hullo, the internet. My name's Adam and today I'd like to talk to you about travelling and shit.

So I packed. (via 40L packback £15 from Sport and Soccer. Probably going to break :( sadface.)
We had the leaving do. (OMG GOT SOOO DRUNK HAHA LOL!!!1 #YOLO #HASHTAG)
I left Brighton. (via coach.)
I'm sitting at the airport atm with some alcoholols - and soon - I'll be flying out. (via plane. That is all.)
Feels casual.

The cat helping me pack. Stupid cat is stupid.
(Miss you, cat :( sadface.)

I'm off for 6 weeks, which is a real casual amount of time from what I'm told. I should be able to do most of the situations I want to do in that time. What situations do I want to do?

I like temples and museums and stuff. I like animals (the moar retarded looking the better). I like breasts (the less retarded looking the better). And I like lols. So Thailand has a lot to offer.

Tbh, I haven't done my homework. I don't really know what I'm doing and in what order. Partially because I'm so cool and partially because I'm a sillybilly. (Mostly the sillybilly thing.)

I'm meeting friends in Cambodia.
I'm meeting friends in Bangkok.
I might meet friends in the last couple of weeks as I potter around the islands.
But most of the time I'm going solo. Like a boss.

Leaving do situations <3 heart symbol.
(Miss you guise :'( sadface with tear.)

I'm just sort of making it up as I go along. Again, I'm told that Thailand is a great place for that. It is to the novice traveller as the 50cc Mushroom Cub is to the novice Mario Kart 64 player.

The flight cost about £700 return, but if you don't mind dicking around and transferring, you can save many precious £££'s. I'm heading to India for some reason first - fuck noes why but it saved me £200 - making the flight a real smooth £500 return.

A coach door to door (city center to airport terminal) is about £30.

I've changed up about £200 into Thai Baht. I can't remember how many Baht I have on me now. About 10'000ish? Or about 3 copies of Monopoly worth? Who knows. (It's very pretty money.) I figure it'll tide me over for a while when I first get in and then I can just withdraw money from the ATM according to the bank man. 'Not sure if that'll work tbh. Maybe he just lied to me for the lols. We'll see.

For a heterosexual man I think I might be taking too many
moisturisers, cleansers, lotions and potions.

Anyways, I'll let you know how it all goes. It'll be exactly like that Idiot Abroad thing but not at all.

Check back for tips from the front line and for further situations.

BRB, England. x