THE ADULT MICRO SCOOTER QUESTION

As you're no doubt aware we're living the end of days. Russian shenanigans. Korean Peninsular nuclear boogaloo. Brexit. Trump. As self-aware content consumers there's only so much we can do. Sure, we can have a charity cupcake sale to raise awareness for transgender stuff but we need to keep things in perspective. Have you seen an adult (25+) using a micro scooter?

There's a certain childlike naiveté about an adult (25+) using a micro scooter; similar to the white man who enjoys the reggae jam or some dingdong queuing up for a fancypants iPhone / Supreme clothing release.  

Whether it's wanting to get in touch with their inner child (_____ clever Hollywood sex scandal observation) or just a need to effing stick it to The Man we can never truly trust these individuals. What drives them? Should we (as responsible adults (25+) living in the modern urban environment) flag them down and stage an intervention? It's hard, y'all. 

Whereas everyone has the right to curate their own personal brand, if it's straight up fucking wrong, don't we have a responsibility to intervene? Sort of like some bro with a twiddly moustache. 

From what I understand, the government is going to try and make people using those flying drone things go on some mandatory training course. Obviously this is a complete waste of time / resources. Would the time be better spent regulating adults' access to micro scooters or creating some list of adults who own them? I'm absolutely furious with these characters and will be writing a strongly worded email. Might even start a petition on change.org as 1'000 signatures has the same power as 10 Tomahawk Missiles. We can make a diff!


Q&A
a) Are you adult micro scooter?
b) Sometimes at work I see this frumpy-looking broad riding a micro scooter and she has 2 kids with her also riding a micro scooter. The kids have a real dead look in their eyes - sort of like a war veteran. (Not really a question.)
c) What do you think the best Call of Duty was? I think CoD 4: Modern Warfare but then Modern Warfare 2 was also pretty sweetums.
d) Realistically, should we also question the motivations of a grown up still dicking around with skateboards?
e) What aspect of your own personal branding solution could do with a tweak? 

There's a shop that sells 'pro micro scooters' but that's an oxymoron like Tesco Finest.

Going forward into 2018 I'm planning to violently attack anyone utilising a micro scooter in the modern urban environment. (Might expand upon this initiative to include children throwing those snap popper things that go bang on the floor.) I believe the time for moderation has passed. We must act NOW!

:-] happyface

2 MINUTE INVESTIGATIONS: THE PALESTINE CONFLICT

(2 MINUTE INVESTIGATIONS is an exciting new feature where we learn more about IRL situations. Obviously, we 'can't think about this stuff because we're too busy', but equally it'd be nice to know the exact situation. How much can we learn in 2 minutes about ______?)

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Preface:
Y'all, it seems like the Palestine situation is sooo 2013, but there's still a bunch of bros / broads out there banging on about it. You can wear a T shirt or buy a sticker or organise a cupcake sale to co-brand with this situation. From what I understand, the Palestine Conflict is something to do with Israel and Palestine having redonk beef about some area of land between their borders. 
Might have some heavy human rights violations :-/ concerned-face.
Might have some 'serious political ramifications for the region'. 
Might have something to do with the United Nations / oil. 
I'm just not sure, y'all, but I'll see what I can find out in 2 minutes. Brb.

The Exact Situation:
Jeez Louise, his shiz seems pretty heavy. From my investigations I discovered that (maybe?) Israel and Palestine are 'basically the same thing' but they really hate one another. According to this map Jerusalem is also hotly contested (because of Jesus Christ (JC Our Lord and Saviour))).

Unfortunately there's been negative vibes there since 1948 with load of atrocities. 
Loads of peeps blown up, but also property damage :-[
I'm thinking that Gaza has something to do with this situation because it's highlighted on the map. Maybe this has something to do with the popular Gaza Strip meme? Maybe it's that 'strip' of land between the 2 regions? 
Fortunately, America will 'eventually sort it all out' via passive aggressive emails / trade sanctions :-] happyface

Conclusion:
You all, the world seems pretty intense :-[ sadface.
Not sure if I condone or condemn the Palestine / Israel conflict. 
Not sure who I support tbh. I've met some Palestinians, and they seem pretty legit, but maybe the Israelis are also the same. Maybe we should just put all our weapons down and spend more time 'just chilling hard on the internet'. Anyways, it feels like we easily know enough now to hold our own with someone who's really into politics.
Might go to university or organise a flash mob.
Might buy an Amazonian Kindle.


Q&A
Are you passionate about politics or is that mostly for keenOs?
Should we all just learn to get along or should we continue to murder one another because of _____?
Would you fire a rocket propelled grenade / noob tube at your bro because he was born on the wrong side of the tracks, or would you make an anonymous noise complaint to the police and hope that they shut his situation down hmmm?

"I am dreaming,
a dream where everyone is holding hands.
Across the circumference of the planet. 
Apart from the oceans & Poland, obviously." - A delicate Haiku


xxx
(3 kisses.)

UNDERSTANDING THE TEACHER STRIKE

Y'all. It's that time of year when lazy treefrog public sector workers need to keep things casual. That TV series / DIY home improvement project / GTA V isn't going to finish itself, y'all. We must show delicate compassion; respecting their decision and taking our children to the cinema / bowling / lunch at a moderately priced & child-friendly restaurant. 
We only have one life. Would you waste it 'teaching utter BS to stupid little snots'? 

As savvy 20 - 30 somethings living in the modern urban environment, most of that noise doesn't concern us. Although we must always pursue the opportunity to 'cum' we must also 'make fucking sure' that mess ends up crashing against some form of contraceptive device. (Obviously - the condom, the coil, the pill, the arm implant / amazing vagina combo, or 'pulling out at the last second' / napkin combo.) 
So how does the teacher strike situation effect us / what the eff does it mean?
Continuing with our 2013 campaign to encourage understanding, we read 1 - 2 paragraphs of this BBC story and then we move on to the next meme.

"Thousands of schools are closed across much of England as teachers strike over pay, pensions and jobs." - BBC

Seems like at least 100% of teacher strikes are about ^^^ this.

Feeling sort of, "Meh," about the situation.

Feel that The Man / government and the teachers should just agree to disagree and move on.

Q&A

How far did you get through the BBC news story? (I only did a paragraph and then skimmed through. I am feeling :-) happyface because I am learning about the world / making a difference in the world.)

What is the coil?

Have you ever 'gone bareback' then worried for days / weeks after about 'pre-cum' situations? 

I left a comment saying, "Eff the Labour Party! Eff social reform situations!" What hateful nonsense did you say?

Is working for the public sector 'an amazing effing win' as you can take loads of time off illegally/ legally?

WOULD YOU LET A STRANGER BORROW YOUR MOBILE PHONE OR WOULD YOU TELL THEM TO EFF OFF?

Hey, y'all. 
From what I understand, our mobile phone's are one of the most important pieces of technology in our collection. It's sort of like a timecapsule which is constantly being updated (due to MicroSD card, USB Sync, and software updates). It contains most of the content which makes you, 'you'.
Let us rejoice:

• Peer group and social standing (Phonebook). 
• MP3s (MP3 player).
• Your level of technological and self-awareness (Apps).
• Relationship situation (Sexting and neutritous noods from GF or BF).
• Financial situation (Owning a fancypants HTC / iPhone or a 'piece of shit' Nokia / Blackberry).

Accepting all of this as truth, are you willing to play 'Russian roulette' with your mobile handset by lending it to a stranger?

/:-/ compassionate-face

Although we can all agree that stealing content OTI is a victimless crime, unfortunately there are shady individuals who steal and commit miscellaneous crime IRL.

All of ^^^ this went through my mind when this broad came up to me and asked to borrow my mobile.

She was a lil Asian thing; approachable but also mysterious. Although I was interested in the opportunity to 'cum', my kneejerk reaction was to tell her, "No. My phone's out of battery."

(This was, of course, a lie.)

Q&A

What would you've done?

Do you believe in helping other people or is that mostly for squares and lameOs?

Are you on Pay as You Go or is that mostly for the homeless?

Do you care about Identity Theft or is it all just a 'bunch of bullshit' cooked up by the Old Media to scare _____?

Was the major motion picture Swordfish based on a true story?

YOU'RE WORLD - I AM A CHARITY FUNDRAISER

(YOU'RE WORLD is an 'amazing' feature where anons get to tell fellow anons their situation. Let's see who needs our assistance this week, hmmm?)

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I AM A CHARITY FUNDRAISER

Charity Beggar.
Charity Mugger.
Scrounger. 
Swampy.
'Fucking Asshole'.
Ugh.
I have been called it all this week. I am not sure if I can go on (with life). 

I have recently started an exciting new career in Charity Fundraising. 
Basically, I stand in a busy street and ask / guilt people into signing up for £5 - £10 a month (or whatever you can afford).
I am not paid an hourly wage, so my income is purely commission based. I am not sure if I can go on (with my 'career').

I have always been interested in helping those less fortunate / Caucasian / self-aware than me. Primarily, I am interested in the children with the little pot-bellies and the flies in the eyes. These children live in some of the worse conditions imaginable :-( sadface. Do you have a couple of minutes to spare so that I can tell you all about it?

• No food.
• No drinking water.
• No wireless internets. (Not even 'E'.)
• Africa, Darfur, Sudan, and of course - Poland.

The first couple of shifts I still 'fucking believed'.

Believed I was making a diff / making the world a more :-) place / making my parents proud.

I guess this is my problem - a problem that I desperately need help resolving.

I no longer chuffing care about charity. 

Little by little, signature by signature, it became less about charitable donations and more about doing whatever the eff it takes to get that signature / card number (long one across the middle) / 8 digit account number / 6 digit sort code / and secret security situation number (3 numbers on the back, nigga). 

I have lied. 
I have harassed. 
I am basically a 'prostitute' (but with a clipboard and plush soft toy free gift situation).

I am not sure if I can go on (with my 'career' / life).

I am ashamed. iam___

-----

'Jeezlouise'. 
What do you recommend this anon should do?

Change jobs?
Get some R E S P E C T (find out what it means to ME)?
Commit to social change (get 'back to where it all began')?
Commit virtual suicide (deactivate Facebawks account)?
Commit actual suicide (:'-( sadface-with-tear)?
Try to get a refund of 'effing worthless' degree (Media, Marine Biology, Sociology, Music Performance, Music Production, Music _____, Art, Art History, History History, French)?

Exciting new money making venture?

a) Killing spree (Grand Theft Auto IV 5)?
b) Illegal Cock-fighting situation (Pokeman)?  
c) 'Stacking shelves in Tesco' (Tetris)?

It is NEVER too late to change.
Whoever gives the most savvy and emotionally-complex advice will receive an adoption package for a Jaguar. (Your adoption pack will include a quarterly news letter, a little soft toy Jaguar nig, a pen, and a certificate. The charity is called The 9th Life Foundation (probs because cats have 9 lives.))  

xxxo (3 kisses & 1 hug.)

04/04/2013 - UNDERSTANDING SPORT

Hello, niggas. Today I'm really trying to get my head around competitive sports.

#confused.

As a Caucasian heterosexual male (part of the key 25 - 35 demographic) I genuinely feel like I've outgrown the need for competitive games - unless of course it's an online gaming experience - where I can call complete strangers 'something hurtful' for cheating.

I might also have the need to report them to Microsoft / Infinity Ward for hacking / glitching offences. (Real or imagined.)

I just don't see the need to test or challenge myself against another human. It's far simpler and rewarding for us both to just presume superiority over one another, and then go our separate ways. Life's too short, niggas.

"Let's file this under agree to disagree." - A Short Haiku Promoting World Peace © 2013

Which makes me highly concerned about adult humans (25+) who give an eff about competitive sports. 
I'm sure we can all agree that the same adult human (25+) who is 'in to' competitive games of sport is also 'in to':

• Short term / high interest loans.
• Simple carbohydrate diets.
• Saturday evening TV.
• The NME 'magazine'.
• The NME Best 100 Albums Evar List.
• Buying 10 - 15 of these albums from ASDA or WH Smiths or iTunes, instead of illegally downloading them.

Sort of feel as though we have nothing to talk about / nothing in common with these people.

(It's sort of like when I see someone wearing Croc shoes; I know that we can never be true nigs - taking our relationship to the next level - and becoming friends. We will forever be acquaintances. I might even relegate them to my 'Aquantence List' on Facebook.)

From what I understand, for a sports fan, your team winning the prize is better than 'cumming'. I can't really imagine / get my head around / relate to this. Not at all. 

Like, I can't see myself ever getting that excited about anything. 

I'm just trying to become a better, more tollerent, more rounded 'me'.

I'm just starting to feel that trying to save these sports fans might be a worthy cause, hmmm?

I'm just starting to think I might do some charity work or maybe start my own non-profit situation to 'help out'?

Might volunteer / do work exp with a bailiff company but when we go to repossess 'goods in lieu of payment' I'll give the client 'the heads up' so that they can hide their 32" Technika HD Ready TV from The Man.

If I do this, I'll call the charity The iam___ Fountation for Levelling the Playing Field. 

I'm just trying to do my bit, niggas.
Thinking (typing) out loud. 

Just riffing. 

Today has been brought to you by SPORTS.

xoxo