LIFE: SO, YOU WANT TO EXERCISE?

The first time I went running was not great. Not at all. I got to the end of my road; I was out of breath, I had 2 stitches, and at least all of my muscles had cramp.

The first time I lifted weights, I pulled my pectorals. The physical pain I had because of my chest was pretty similar to the emotional pain that Tara Reid has because of her chest. Or Courtney Love. Her operation wasn't great either.

Looks legit to me.

But now I sort of know what I'm doing, and I run miles and feel pretty casual about it. I'm a bit like Road Runner - but less of a dick about everything.

Hullo, my name is Adam and today I'd like to talk to you about getting healthy and stuff. There'll probably come a time in your life when you look into the mirror at the disgusting monster that you have become and you'll think ':( sadface'. For me, this moment came in my mid-twenties. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't bummed out about my appearance or any of that noise, but I had gained weight. It was that little layer of comfort fat that you gain in a relationship, like a squirrel putting away nuts for the winter; but instead of nuts it's just takeaways, simple carbs, Haagen-Dazs, and shit.

Then you have a choice - you look at that disgusting, disgusting monster and say, 'Fuck it. I'm sure it'll sort itself out.' Or you can take control of the situation.

This is what I lerned on my journey towards a better me. You may learn something but probably not.


1) EXERCISE MAKES YOUR BRAIN HAPPY BY RELEASING CHEMICALS AND STUFF

Exercise makes your brain happy by releasing chemicals and stuff and that's why this section is called, 'Exercise makes your brain happy by releasing chemicals and stuff'.

Wikipedia says, "Endorphins ("endogenous morphine") are endogenous opioid peptides that function as neurotransmitters. They are produced by the pituitary gland and the hypothalamus in vertebrates during exercise, excitement, pain, consumption of spicy food, love and orgasm, and they resemble the opiates in their abilities to produce analgesia and a feeling of well-being."

tl;dr, exercise makes your brain happy by releasing chemicals and stuff. It's on Wikipedia so it must be true. Here's a diagram I made to explain the situation:

Endorphins in action.

2) HAVE A GOAL

You have to have something in mind and tailor your exercises towards that end. I wasted a lot of time just grinding my gears and going round in circles. I was exercising a shit-ton when I lived in Toronto, but it was mostly isolation exercises which target one muscle (bicep curls = biceps), instead of compound exercises which work a whole bunch of muscles (squats = glutes, quads, calves, and lower back). Compound exercises are better than isolation ones. I didn't know. 'Turns out it was all a complete fucking waste of time anyways because I wasn't getting enough protein to build anything. I wasn't making many gains. There's a link at the bottom for calculating the protein you'll need to gain muscle mass.

So, depending on whether you want to make gains (moar muscle-mass and size), or get lean (moar leanness and definition), you'll need to plan your exercises accordingly.

This blog isn't about exercise advice, it's about lols (for example, I was on the phone to the electric company yesterday and I said to the woman who was pissing me off, 'You're so stupid, I think that talking to you is making me stupid,' and one day I want to say to someone who's homophobic, 'You're as straight as Freddy Mercury, standing on a roundabout, drinking a bottle of dicks'. Hopefully, one day my dream will come true).

So I can't advise you about what exercises you should do. I don't want to mislead you. Because I love you. I don't want you to get hurt.

Check the links at the bottom of the page for people who're far more clued up about this stuff than me.


3) LOSING WEIGHT IS SUPERDUPER EASY

Did you know you can lose about a sixth of your bodyweight by simply cutting a leg off? It doesn't even matter which one. I know, right? Amazing. But if that doesn't appeal to you, you can lose weight pretty simply other ways. I will now explain these ways using words:

• DRINK MOAR WATER: Yes, water is boring, and water is not Pepsi Max, and water has no booze in it - but it's the easiest way to lose water-retention. Water-weight. I know what you're thinking, 'Drink more water to lose water-weight? Adam, you are a maverick. A handsome, handsome maverick,' but bear with me. Your body holds onto water because it thinks it might need it. It wants to keep you alive in case of an emergency. Your body doesn't know about all of the sweet, sweet water that you can buy from a shop or drink from a tap. If you flood your body with water, it will start to jettison all of its stored water. Then you lose your water-weight. Link at the bottom to calculate water intake.

• CREATE A CALORIC DEFICIT: This is as the single most import thing you need to do to lose weight, and yes, it does involve eating less or exercising more. Or both, if you're serious about getting lean. There are 3'500 calories in 1 pound of fat. To burn 1 pound of fat, you have to burn 3'500 calories. That's a deficit of 500 calories a day. That's a chocolate milkshake, or a quarter pounder with cheese, or a big bag of crisps, or 2 muffins, or 2 1/2 pints of beer, or a bottle of dicks. This stuff is not rocket surgery. Link at the bottom.

• EXERCISE: Have your cake and eat it. I've tried living like a monk and I spent about 2 weeks on a strict daily 1'450 calorie diet. It does work and you will see results quickly - but, man, it's boring. I like to think of it this way; if I'm going out to get wasted, or to eat a bunch of rich food that I shouldn't eat, then I'll burn it off the next day. Or the day after, depending on how disciplined I'm feeling. Think, 1 pint of beer = about 200 calories. You can burn that off in a 15 minute run or a 45 minute walk.

If you can get to the point where you're running and
boozing at the same time, then you win the internet.

4) YOU DON'T HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE

Yes, McDonnalds, Domino's, and all-you-can-eat buffets are not going to help you in your quest to be a better you. Not at all. Neither is drinking 5 pints of booze on a night out. But you can work around this. Yes, those little Chicago Town pizzas taste sweet, but they look like an Italian just had a prolapse on some damp cardboard; and if you microwave them then they taste a bit like that too. You can still eat pizzas and stuff, just make them yourself and use sensible ingredients.

There are loads of these 'healthy eating' websites. They have quick and easy recipes for all sorts of stuff, and they're not loads of ballache to do, either. Going back to pizzas - I made these cheeky little numbers for my friends, which were as simple as a wholemeal pittabread, tomato pasta sauce, low-fat mozzarella, pepperoni, and some oregano and shit. (It wasn't shit, it was probably basil or something.) They took about 5 minutes to make. They took about 5 minutes to cook. God made the same things for Jesus for his welcome home party. Jesus was omg so lol.

Jesus is always lol.

Also, you can still get drunk - just stick to spirits with a diet mixer, or a bottle of wine. A single 25ml spirit is around 50 calories. A bottle of wine (red, white, rose, or sparkling) is around 500 calories. That's why Hank in Californication is so lean but is also an alcoholic - because he sticks to the whiskey. (Probably because of all of the sex too. Sex is fantastic cardio (200 calories in 30 minutes), unless the girl just lays there like that sick dinosaur in Jurassic Park while you do stuff to her, in which case you have far bigger problems. I recommend you close this window, shut down your computer, and get your sex life back on track. In fact, it's probably her fault anyways, so you can stay here and lol and make her figure something out. What a selfish bitch.)


5) STICK WITH IT

I'm pretty sure most of the guys reading this have a set of dumbbells gathering dust somewhere in the house. I'm pretty sure most of the women reading this have one of those great big ball things that're supposed to help with sit-ups, or whatever those things do. Like a toasted cheese sandwich maker, like a lover that you're not compatible with, like a Christmas tree - these things are used non-stop for about a month and then completely forgotten about.

'You will always have a home in my heart.'
'You will always have a home in your home. Go home.'

They will not help you with your gains, or with your getting lean, by sitting in your cupboard.

Now, a lot of people say you should keep a log, or record your progress as you go. It can be encouraging. I'm far too disorganised for that - but I do see the merits of doing it. I think that the thing to do is just make a rough plan and stick to it. No slacking. No 'off days'. No 'treat days'. At least until you get where you want to be.

And if you do fall off the wagon (you will) then just make it up the next day, or later in the week.

This guy (totally not me) will sometimes inhale that filthy, dirty, filthy takeaway burger meal after a night out. But the same guy (again, nothing to do with me) will go for a run the next day. A real casual 10 minute mile x 3 will burn off about 400 calories. That's the burger. Then, to work off the chips, I like to volunteer with children and teach them how to plant trees. No, not really, I just spend time on the internet and stuff. You burned about 25 calories reading this post. This blog is helpful. You're welcome. I love you.


CONCLUSION:

Exercise can be fun. Genuinely. You will start to see results within about 3 months, if you're doing it right. I don't want to suggest exercises you should be doing, or routines, or diet plans - because, tbh, I'm still getting to grips with that myself and there's people out there far better qualified to do that than me (it's a big internet). There's a bunch of links on the bottom of this post which should help to sort your fat, lazy, sheet-of-cellulite ass out. If you want to.

You have to want to do it. For yourself. It's not worth doing it to impress someone, or strut around the beach like a prick, or because you want to look like some airbrushed piece of fiction in an underwear advert. You have to want to do this for yourself.

Yes, gaining and losing weight is a bitch. Men gain weight in their stomach, not their dick. Women gain weight in their thighs and bum, not their breasts. The human is not a perfect organism. But it can be nudged, kicking and screaming, towards some shadow or whisper of perfection. Whatever makes you happy. PROTIP: You can't target weight loss, either. You can do 100 sit-ups a day, but it wont make you lose your tummy any quicker. Weight loss occurs all over the body. Your belly, your thighs, and your bum will be the last to go. Sorry.

When I started all this, the exercise and stuff, I was made of wet paper and when I'm done I want to be carved from wood. I'm probably at a balsa stage atm. But, reader, lover, friend, I'm seeing all sorts of gains and getting so lean.

These are the things what I lerned from:

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/ Totally free calorie counter. It even has an app on Android (not sure about Apple) so you can scan the bar code of whatever it is you're eating. Includes a carbs, fats, and protein calculator. Don't feel self-conscious about using it. If anyone gives you any sass about it, just tell them to suck it. Tell them Adam told you to tell them to suck it.

http://www.wikihow.com/Build-Muscle Basic gains 101.

http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/drobson175.htm Basic get lean 101. Includes water intake calculator.

http://tasteytemptations.blogspot.co.uk/2007/09/low-calorie-pita-pizza.html Lean food recipe. This isn't the one I followed (I can't remember where I found it. It's a big internet) but you get the gist.

http://www.youtube.com/user/twinmuscleworkout?feature=watch Bro-science advice. These guys are fucking legit. And lulzy. They have a bunch of videos about all sorts of stuff. Example:

http://www.shawnlebrunfitness.com/building-lean-muscle-mass.html Moar advice on gains.

https://www.google.com/ Figure it out.


Good luck. And remember - although it's what's on the inside that counts, if you look good on the outside, people will like you more.

Good night, internet.

LIFE: THINGS WHAT I LERNED IN MY 20'S

Hullo, my name is Adam and today I'd like to talk to you about getting older. Those of you who know me know that I'm wise like an owl. Those of you who don't know me, you may have read somewhere very recently that I'm wise like an owl. Let me also reveal this startling truth to you - I will be 30 this year. You wouldn't know it to talk to me because tbh I'm a bit retarded and you wouldn't know it to look at me because I somehow look pretty healthy, even though I spent my early 20's living in total squalor.

This was the fruit bowl at our first flat.

But there it is. My 20's are coming to an end, like the worlds interest is coming to an end over whether or not Wham! will ever reform. I hope they do.

Sorry to shoehorn in another picture in so quick, but I'll 
award 100 internets to anyone know knows 
the other guys name without Googling it. Amazing hair.

I sulked for like a whole week when I went 19 / 20. But then when I went 24 / 25 I don't think I cared that much. However, 29 / 30 is a big turning point for any human. I think, for lack of a better word, it makes you an adult. How does this make me feel? Pretty casual.

'For why, Adam?' I hear you ask. Well, you know the drill by now, friend - use your eyes for the reading and I will explain using words:


1) HEALTH SITUATIONS

I'm in better shape now then I was in my early 20's. That's not denial, like when Nicolas Cage tries to make an action film - it's an actuality. The main difference between when I was a kid and now is that I actually exercise these days. I've been quite disciplined about it for the last 2 years. Usually, I'll do cardio every other day and resistance training 3 times a week. 'Why do you do this, Adam? Are you a gaylord?' That's a fair question, gentle reader. Allow me to explain myself.

When I was in my early 20's a balanced diet consisted of my mixing up my Birds Eye Chicken Dipper days and my Bernard Mathews Turkey Dinosaur days. My 5 fruit and veg a day consisted of a handful of grapes or an apple once a week - maybe a tin of Fruit Salad too. I don't know, I'm not a nutritionist. My exercise included herculean feats of endurance such as walking to the shop, staying up late masturbating, and walking to my friends house to play PS1.

I was pretty good at this too.

This was all fine and dandy back in the day, as I've always been tall and quite skinny. However in my mid 20's, like when Niles and Daphne got married in Frasier, things were starting to grind to a halt. In my late 20's I figured out that if I still wanted to look pretty I had to do 2 things, neither of which I wanted to do. Not at all.

• EAT BETTER - I've really only got to grips with this in the last year or so, when my ex taught me that a home cooked meal was not my putting a lasagne in the oven. Even if I seasoned it with salt and pepper all by myself. I now cook most of my meals from scratch. Whereas before a home-made meal would consist of a locally sourced pizza from Tesco Local and maybe some ketchup for colour. I'm also lots more open-minded with my food. For example, when I was younger my mum asked me if I'd like some 'brunch' and I replied, "I don't like it" - thinking it was a food type. Oh, what am I like?

I think I'm a bit like this. If you agree,
award yourself +1 internets.

• EXERCISE - Oh noes, this was an uphill struggle. The depths of my disdain for sports ran so deep that when I was a kid I forged a letter to my PE Teacher. It went something like this:

      
              Dear Mr Fitzpatrick (The Teacher),

              Please be informed that Adam (The Son) will not go to no more PE lessons.
              He has a bad knee. Thanks.

             Yours sincerely.
             Judi and Alan Foster (The Parents)

The teacher must've looked at it and thought, 'What is this I don't even?' But tbh I think he was just pleased to get me out of the classes. I was a bit of a malcontent. I used to go home and play Sega Saturn and try to download nutritious noods on the family's dial-up internet connection. Trying to find porn back then was like trying to find a size of clothing other than L or XL in Primark. Dark days, let me tell you. I made no gains during this period of my life.

I am so close. Just work with me, BT.

2) MATURITY SITUATIONS

Most of this section will do me no credit, so if you're an ex-girlfriend reading this and you want to preserve that image you have of me as a strong mate and a generous lover, you might want to skip ahead. For the rest of you - here we go. I am immature. Well, in some ways I am. In terms of growing up I've crammed all sorts in. Mortgage? Been there done that. No thanks. Business? I'm my own boss. Amazing win is amazing. But it's my day to day life, which makes me utterly fail at maturity.

I like to amuse myself. Do this end, I'll do things which are just plain silly. Not to impress my peers, not to be popular, but just for my own amusement and all in the name of the lols. Bear witness to my confession:

Scene: Some Aquarium I Used to Work At
Age: 28
Situation: We had a lot of foreign students come into the aquarium and it pissed me off. They were loud and stupid and smelly. They'd trash the place and bully my amazing animals. So I orchestrated a vigilante crusade, similar in effectiveness and magnitude to Rambo in that action film I can't remember the name of. We had a jungle section. It was claustrophobic and dark, with only 1 way in and 1 way out. I played a lot of Call of Duty back then so I knew that this would be an excellent place for an ambush. I used to wait above the tree canopy, poised to strike for great justice with this water gun, which was used to control the humidity in the Dart Frog cage. When the kids would come in - I'd execute them. Men, women, boys, girls, children - I was all out of fucks to give. Everything was permitted. They'd scream and think that it was part of the experience. I would calmly reload, dead-eyed and steadfast. I was a manager there. Why did I do this? For the lols.

Scene: Bus Stop
Age: 29
Situation: I don't use public transport very often. Not because I'm an elitist but just because I think it's crap. If I wanted to pay loads of money to not get very far, I'd be a White Knight. Back in the day (in fact this was only a couple of months ago), I decided it was time to take action. I wasn't in a bad mood. I hadn't recently had a bad experience with a bus. I wasn't even waiting for a bus. I just wanted to take action. So a bus pulls up as I'm crossing the road and the drivers window was wound down. There were 2 other buses behind it. It had stopped for a red light, but the light was changing and it started to rumble forward. I leaned in to the drivers window and called the driver that nasty word that rhymes with 'runt' and is spelt 'cunt'. He slammed on the brakes - but I'd timed it just right. He couldn't stop because of the buses behind him so he had to move on. He was very >:( angryface. I was B-) shades cool. Why did I do this? For the lols.

Scene: deviantART
Age: 29
Situation: deviantART is a website where everyone can upload their art. I created an account (calling myself Dalipep) to cause mayhem. So anyways, this guy posts a photo of 3 dogs posing for a photo. tl;dr, I accused the guy of using gaffer tape to secure the dogs. This thread went of for pages and pages. He are some of the highlights.

So that pretty much sums that up.


3) POTENTIAL SITUATIONS

I always thought when I grew up I'd have a thick weave of chest hair, like Sean Conery in that Bond film ('dunno which one. Probably the one where he's on the beach with the woman in the white bikini. Let's say it's Octopussy that I'm thinking of because the title's made of win and I want to type it). But far from that, in my late 20's I actually just have a little tuft of chest hair. Like a Totoro.

Not the big one either.

If someone put a gun to my head I couldn't grow a beard to save my life. But other than that I turned out real good. Strong and lean and I have pubic hair too. So much win. When you're a kid you imagine how you'll turn out when you're a grown up. Now I never really agonised over this. I don't really make long term plans or goals. I just roam from situation to situation - trying to find my way in this crazy mixed up world. I don't think I had a preconception of the kind of person I'd be towards 30.

I had a career as a Zookeeper for 5 years, but it fucking sucked. (My job title was 'Senior Aquarist' but no one knows what the bloody hell that means, so we'll just say 'Zookeeper'). It was good for the lols but the money was so bad I think I earned more when I worked at a call centre. 'But Adam, you obviously took your job very seriously,' I hear what you're saying and you'd be correct. 'You defended your animals from the disgusting foreign invaders.' I know, right? But these were Covert Op's, which the management never even knew about. It's like when Jack Bauer does all that cool stuff in 24. Does anyone thank him? No, they just give him shit for it.

"If you need me, I'll be asleep in the stock room."

But now I'm self employed and it's awesome. I saw one of my managers out and about last week and she asked how my new direction was treating me. I replied, "It's great! If I don't want to go in to work I just stay at home. I don't have to phone in sick or anything!" If looks could kill that woman would've turned me inside out and worn me as a fleece. (She like fleeces. Frumpy ones are her favourite). As long as I'm happy and whatnot I don't care overly much. I don't really crave material things - I'm not trying to sound like I've just come back from backpacking across Asia and found myself, man - but there it is. I don't drive, so I don't want a fancy car. I'm sure as hell not getting involved with another mortgage again anytime soon. So yeah, I think I reached my potential. /thread.

4) FAMILY SITUATIONS

This is a tricky one. My 2 oldest friends from back in the day both have kids now. 1's married too. Do I envy them? No, not really - it's just not my bag atm. I think mid-30's for that stuff. But it does make me wonder. I will now use words to explain. Thank you for reading. I like you and I think you're cool. Always remember that.

I was in this relationship for just under 5 years. We had a mortgage and whatnot together. I wanted to buy a kitten but she wouldn't let me, so now that we're not together, I brought a kitten. It's like a Disney film.

This proves that the man is always right
about everything in a relationship.

Eventually, we grew apart - like 2 and a Half Men and its audience did after legendary IRL troll Charlie Sheen left the show. But had we carried on we probably would've been engaged and probably would've had a kid by now. Now in our case, the problems that we had would've still been there and we probably would've still grown apart. (Sorry for all the 'probably' back there. I'm not a scientist and I cannot predict these things). As utter ballache as disentangling ourselves from the mortgage was, I think dissolving a marriage and selling the kid would've been ballache-apocalypse. 

You sell the kid, right?

So all that rhetoric that everyone came out with when we broke up, like the ol' 'everything happens for a reason' and 'what will be will be', was actually pretty spot on. Had we not called it a day I wouldn't have met my previous girlfriend (probably the best women I've ever known), I wouldn't have all the wonderful new friends I have now, I wouldn't be living with my excellent flatmate - and Doc would never have made it back to the future. Or the past. I forget what they were trying to achieve in Back to the Future 3.

So family and relationship-wise I'm doing just peachy. I'm exactly where I want to be.

5) FUTURE SITUATIONS

Who knows these things? I guess my next milestone will come at 40. Well, that's if the world doesn't end in 2012, in which case I would've only been 30 for about a week before it happens and this whole post will seem pretty redundant. 

Again, I don't really have a plan. I just let Lady Luck lead me from A to B and hope for the best. Another 10 years is a long time. I don't even know what I'll be doing this time next year - and I like it that way. If someone had told me a year ago I'd have lived in Canada for 3 months, I would've been like, 'Well I don't even know anyone in Canada, so stop hassling me, man. Don't make me get my water gun out of retirement 'cos I'll soak you so good you wont know where the water ends and your tears begin'.

I need to quit smoking properly too. I like it, but it makes my lungs die :( sadface. 

I think I'm going to potter on with my writing too. There are still humans out there who do not know how to internet correctly. There are other humans who need to know the truth about feelings and lols. Who knows - one day I may be able write faggy love advice for MSN. I must help them all. No one gets left behind.

YOU CANNOT DOWNLOAD A GOOGLE!
LERN 2 INTERNET, GRANDAD!

I do actually have a plan forming. I will now tell you my plan. Early next year, I won't be able to give away stuff on my stand, it'll be so quiet. So I'm going to take the money I made from selling my stupid flat and then blitz work up until Christmas and save, save, save. And then I'm going to go off travelling for a bit. Probably the usual - Asia and Thailand and all that. I need to look the Dali Lama in the eye and see if he truly does know what the situation is.

I don't think the future matters. Just keep active and healthy and keep your lol to antilol ratio correct.

CONCLUSION

I have about 5 months and change left of my 20's. I've packed a lot of great stuff in and I'd have it no other way. I pretty much wouldn't change a thing.

I love my life in sunny Brighton. I love my business. I love my friends and family. 10 more years of that will be a blessing. But I don't know if I'm ready to /thread and settle down yet. I just feel there's so much more out there. I mean, I'm not sure there is, maybe it's all crap - but I want to have a look for myself.

My flatmate and I were talking about travelling earlier today. He thinks the experience will change him. Tbh, I'm not planning to change. I like me. But I think the experience will make me more rounded.

So if you're loitering around in your early or mid 20's wondering what the future will bring, take it from me - on a long enough timeline it does work itself out. Don't agonise about it. Don't worry. If your heart is pure and you tell no lies you should be rewarded with great things.

See. I told you I'm wise like an owl.