WHEELIE ON A BIKE

Worried.

The hip new thing taking the nation's prepubescent boys by storm seems to be performing a wheelie on a bike. I'm not sure if this is fallout from austerity or something to do with the breakdown of the traditional family unit.

From what I understand, you take your bicycle to the concrete heart of the Modern Urban Environment and do a wheelie. Any distance between 1-6 foot is a win generating mad respect from members of the general public / miscellaneous onlookers. I wanted to learn moar about the situation so I interviewed one of these rigmaroles as part of iamawaitingyourereading's outstanding commitment to outstanding investigative journalism. Our interviewee preferred to remain anonymous but stated that he's representing the Rother District Murder Society Nigs. Let's see what he had to say hmmm?

-----

Unfortunately I have never been very academic :-( sadface.

My teachers state that I have potential, but that I fail to apply myself. They can 'fucking do one'. They do not understand the way it be and that I need to be me. I need to represent my postal code area code by any means necessary; be that by harassing a minimum wage security bro at Tesco or by playing a mumble rap song MP3 on a tinny-sounding Bluetooth speaker. 

I need to wheelie.

The wind rustles through my hair like Jesus to a child as I pop a fat one. (My crew of degenerates bully me. My hair is not cut very well. My hair is cut at one of those £9 places. I have explained that my mum is 'a broke ass whore' because she is studying to become a personal trainer / estate agent / Instagram sensation / something to do with eyebrows, but this reasoning has failed to remedy the situation.)

I need to be me.

When I rock a sick wheel' I am alive! I drop that biz like an atom bomb one time.
I am getting respect.

I never knew my dad. To me, he is just some bro who smells like Lynx deodorant and sad basement flat. A police Community Support Officer tells my homeslices and I to, "Pack it in." 

"Eat a dick and kill yourself, you gaylord," I tell him. He has no real power over me. Community Support Officers are just work experience policeman men and do not have my respect. The real power spins in the wheel.

Would that it were I could wheelie all my troubles away. 
Wish I could wheelie all the way to the horizon, man. 
Drop off the map and ride 1-wheeled into the sunset.

I will ride until I die, bb.

-----

Wow. At the start of this post I was feeling pretty whatevs about the current wheelie meme but now I can kind of get onboard with it. Boys will be boys. Let's not be so quick to judge, hey? :-) happyface


Q&A
Are you wheelie?
Does doing a wheelie like eff up the gears or something? I'm not a mechanic but it doesn't seem very sustainable.
Do you believe in sustainable fishing or are you more like yeah okay when tuna is on sale?
Why is salmon so expensive?
Are kid wheelie-bros a lost cause or can they be straightened out? Choose your tool:
a) bike confiscation
b) draconian public space laws
c) Daddy's belt
d) 'clip round the ears.'
e) disappointed glare
f) disinterested glare
g) hammer [via Stephen King Misery w/ Kathy Bates]
I watched Pet Semetary (sic) and The Dark Tower and they were both crap. (Not really a question.)

x

THE ADULT MICRO SCOOTER QUESTION

As you're no doubt aware we're living the end of days. Russian shenanigans. Korean Peninsular nuclear boogaloo. Brexit. Trump. As self-aware content consumers there's only so much we can do. Sure, we can have a charity cupcake sale to raise awareness for transgender stuff but we need to keep things in perspective. Have you seen an adult (25+) using a micro scooter?

There's a certain childlike naiveté about an adult (25+) using a micro scooter; similar to the white man who enjoys the reggae jam or some dingdong queuing up for a fancypants iPhone / Supreme clothing release.  

Whether it's wanting to get in touch with their inner child (_____ clever Hollywood sex scandal observation) or just a need to effing stick it to The Man we can never truly trust these individuals. What drives them? Should we (as responsible adults (25+) living in the modern urban environment) flag them down and stage an intervention? It's hard, y'all. 

Whereas everyone has the right to curate their own personal brand, if it's straight up fucking wrong, don't we have a responsibility to intervene? Sort of like some bro with a twiddly moustache. 

From what I understand, the government is going to try and make people using those flying drone things go on some mandatory training course. Obviously this is a complete waste of time / resources. Would the time be better spent regulating adults' access to micro scooters or creating some list of adults who own them? I'm absolutely furious with these characters and will be writing a strongly worded email. Might even start a petition on change.org as 1'000 signatures has the same power as 10 Tomahawk Missiles. We can make a diff!


Q&A
a) Are you adult micro scooter?
b) Sometimes at work I see this frumpy-looking broad riding a micro scooter and she has 2 kids with her also riding a micro scooter. The kids have a real dead look in their eyes - sort of like a war veteran. (Not really a question.)
c) What do you think the best Call of Duty was? I think CoD 4: Modern Warfare but then Modern Warfare 2 was also pretty sweetums.
d) Realistically, should we also question the motivations of a grown up still dicking around with skateboards?
e) What aspect of your own personal branding solution could do with a tweak? 

There's a shop that sells 'pro micro scooters' but that's an oxymoron like Tesco Finest.

Going forward into 2018 I'm planning to violently attack anyone utilising a micro scooter in the modern urban environment. (Might expand upon this initiative to include children throwing those snap popper things that go bang on the floor.) I believe the time for moderation has passed. We must act NOW!

:-] happyface

BLOG SEASON IS UPON US. REJOICE!

Y'all!
How've y'all been? Missed y'all. 

As the circle of life spins we lose the heat of the summer sun and return back to our bedrooms / mobile devices. It's time to turn our eyes inwards and violently reject the outside world.
It's getting cold out there, man.
Windy, too. 

Over the next couple of months I propose the following situations to blog about. Some are classic iamawaitingyourereading. Others are new.

2 MINUTE INVESTIGATIONS 
In this feature I really want to learn more about this amazing world that we live in. Unfortunately, as self aware content consumers living in the modern urban environment, we spend so much time OTI that it's easy to 'feel sort of whatevs about geography and other cultures' IRL. I'd like to learn more about serious world situations - like the Gaza Strip situation, the African Flu Pandemic situation, and what glass is.

UNDERSTANDING THE ECONOMIC DOWNTURN
It's time to get real and knuckle down, man. No more sillybuggers. That's right, I'm talking about our ongoing understanding of The Galactic Economic Downturn. Over the last few months things have got redonk totes cray cray in the Eurozone. How many rallys have you been to? I've been to loads. (I haven't been to any.) 

LERN 2 INTERNET  
Some of the worlds poorest people don't live in Mozambique, Sudan, miscelaneous brown country, or Central Poland - they live right here among us :-[ sadface. I'm talking about Internet Poverty, y'all. 
People who don't know how to circumvent torrent site blocks.
People unsure about where to harvest their free MP3s. 
People out there who still pay for digital content. 
'Jesus Christ' lets make a #change. 

30_SOMETHING
Want to get vulnerable with you all for this section :-/ serious face. 
This year I'll be 32. I look around at my situation / the situation of my bros and say, "What the eff does it all mean?" In this feature I propose we investigate our feelings about growing older. We can have a circlejerk and discuss our emotions in a mature and safe environment. There'll be no judgement but there will judgement obviously. 

1ST WORLD PROBLEMS
Obviously, 1STWP returns for another season. Often the dramas we face as technologically savvy content consumers living our lives in the 1st World can seem insurmountable. If your £4 coffee is too hot or your Fair Trade OJ is too cold, worry not, we've got it covered. (y) thumbs_up_symbol.

LIFE
In order to become even more self aware we'll continue to look at this amazing world that we live in and our place in it. Are you 'Big Chief Swinging Dick' or 'Just Another Bro' who works in some call centre / miscellaneous minimum wage job? What have you done with your life? 
Sometimes it feels like you're trying to organise a binbag full of cats. 
Sometimes it feels like you're trying to create an opportunity to 'cum'. 
It's just life, y'all. 

Q&A
What was the highlight of your summer?
What was the lowlight of your summer?
How would you rate 2014 out of 10, where 1 is 'A flaccid penis' and 10 is '1 million pounds'? Or is it just too early to say, hmmm?

xx
(2 kisses.)

LIFE: DO YOU / ARE YOU A MILF?

Y'all. As the circle of life spins we become more self-aware; our MP3 collection becomes more refined and we become more accustomed to 'turning a blind eye' to the 3rd World :-) happyface.
However, from what I understand unless you commit to a calorie deficient diet / exercise, we also become more unattractive :-( sadface.

I am confused.
I am 'thinking about life'. 
I am thinking about the promotion of my personal brand in the crowded urban environment.
I was discussing ^^^ these situations with a platonic girl friend. Using my eyes I noticed that she was no longer a spring chicken and had evolved into a hen - a member of the bird family. She had become a milf.

Have y'all heard about milf? Y'all may remember the major motion picture One American Pie, where a young man sleeps with an older woman. She was sort of _____ looking but still very sexually active.  From what I understand, 'milf' stands for 'mother that I would like to fuck' :-O amazed-face. 

At the start of this post I was like, "Whatever," about the Milf Economy - but now I don't know what to think. Although the lack of buoyancy in the physical department could be disastrous, in theory they should know more advanced sexual shenanigans which should 'blow your effing mind, y'all.' They may also have a steady job / career situation, which hopefully won't be in a BS industry like teaching or customer service.


Q&A
Are you / your peers turning into a milf as the circle of life spins and we all grow older?
Should we embrace the Milf Economy or 'violently reject its teachings'?
Would you rather:
a) Date someone much younger - Tons of amazing sex. Both parties are very excited. "This is new. I hope my peers / parents don't 'lose their shit.'"
b) Date someone a lil younger - Loads of props from your peers and high 5's from strangers in the modern urban environment?
c) Date Someone EXACTLY the same age - Making a big deal when it comes to birthdays. "We are loling out loud because it is BOTH our birthdays today."
d) Date someone a lil older - Eating out in reasonably priced restaurants / takeaway 1 - 4 times a week. Talking about feelings. "I want to FEEL again."
e) Date someone much older - Tons of amazing sex. Miscellaneous reasonable holiday to crappy European holiday destination. 
You MUST choose one.
Has C. Cox had too much plastic surgery or should she have more?
Would you have sex with your friends Mum / Dad?
If you did, and you got caught, would you blame it on the parent saying they coerced you / raped you?
(I'd probably not have sex with my friends Mum / Dad as friendship is way too important to me.)

xxx
(3 kisses.)

IS THE BEARD ECONOMY ABOUT TO IMPLODE?

From what I understand the Beard Economy is huge atm. Men can grow them. Women like to look at / touch them. From smoking hawt broads who study for a BS degree, right through to frumpy women who middle-manage a call centre - it's a fact. 
Unfortunately, all trends decline on a long enough timeline :-( sadface.

Those 'in the know' are starting to turn on the Beard Economy and violently reject its teachings. 

As y'all no doubt remember, there was a time when ironic twiddly mustaches were all the rage. Could you imagine such an individual in today's crowded urban environment? I am aghast.
Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Seems 'effing retarded' in today's modern world.

Remember, YOU are accountable for your appearance / personal branding. It's not like when your parents sent you out into the crowded urban environment wearing an Adidas jacket / poor people shoe combo. You can no longer blame things on them. 
YOU are accountable for _____.

As the circle of life spins we must stay true to ourselves and our own personal branding decisions; however we must also avoid being 'that guy' and know when it's time to move on. 

"Think of yourself / your situation as a lizard. 
As the new you grows, the old you must be shed,
similar to the lizard's skin. 
Rejoice!" - Life


Q&A
Selecting from the list bellow, what's more counterproductive to your ability to create the opportunity to 'cum'?
a) Steampunk pedophile mustache?
b) Fancypants tramp beard?
c) Authentic tramp beard?
d) 'Doing a Hitler'?
e) Bass-man from band long beard? (Queens of the Stone Age / The Pantereas.)
f) Rapist spiral tash?
g) Movember in July early adopter?
h) Handsome-man post-breakup beard?
i) Plumber's Holiday beard?
j) Patchy prepubescent 20something beard?
k) Neckbeard?

Where's the line drawn between legitimate poor hygiene homeless man facial hair / cool man facial hair?

Good luck out there, y'all.

xx
(2 kisses.)

LIFE: DO YOU CARE ABOUT YOUR CARBON FOOTPRINT OR DO YOU NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR CARBON FOOTPRINT?

From what I understand our amazing planet is in serious danger, y'all.
Come. Let us reflect:

• Pollution.
• Negative Vibes. 
• Greenhouse Gas Emissions.
• O Zone Layer.

All of ^^^ this BS equates to our Carbon Footprint. Fortunately, there are several ways to reduce our Carbon Footprint - ensuring that we leave a vibrant and beautiful world for our children and not some 'effing retarded' post apocalyptic wasteland, similar to the major motion picture The Road or Central Poland. 
Recycling. Planting trees. Charity funruns. We can also go and build a well in the 3rd World; this provides precious drinking water for brown people and also alleviates our White Guilt. THESE are our tools to create a better tomorrow. 

We all must do our bit and stop playing sillybuggers with Mother Nature. 

Q&A

Do you believe in Recycling or does it probably just end up in the landfill?

Which animal will we successfully drive to extinction next?

a) Giant Panda Bear?

b) Tiger? (Obviously a member of the Cat family.)

d) White Rhino Animal?

e) Miscellaneous Insect? (No one really cares about this one.)

f) Hawksbill Turtle?

Should we, as a species, stop trying to make these ^^^ amazing animals extinct and instead concentrate our efforts on rubbish animals, which deserve to be 'murdered'? (Seagulls / Wasps etc.)

Is the O Zone Layer real? It seems like it could be a made up thing.

x
(1 kiss.)

LIFE: MY CAT JUMPED OUT OF MY WINDOW. I AM THINKING ABOUT 'LIFE'

Sup, y'all.
?

As y'all no doubt know, I have a cat called Mao-Mao LOL.
Sometimes I look down at her and I'm like OMG; send a prayer up to Caucasian Jesus and the several brown religions that her and my paths crossed. We're more than just 'owner' and 'pet' - stumbling into a master / slave situation - we're in a partnership of equals

Unfortunately she jumped out of my window. I live in a top floor flat in the modern urban environment, so this did not end well. Not at all. 
This is a flow chart of her journey:

Window > 4 stories down > concrete patio.

At 1st I was like :-O amazed face and then I was like /:-/ concerned face and then I was like :-( sadface. I thought that she'd explode to the floor, similar to the helicopter in the major motion picture Black Hawk is Down, Y'all!

She's okay - just a broken leg - but geewizz it made me feel incredibly vulnerable. Now I'm thinking about 'life', and my own mortality, and my future IRL (in the modern urban environment) and OTI (in cyberspace).

Want to live each day as if it's my last.
Want to run up a mountain and say, "Yes."
Want to 'cum' with women of all nationalities / levels of attractiveness.
Want to meet a special someone with the ideal nipple to areola ratio.
Want to dance the dance of life, both in a relevant nightclub but also on railway property.
Want to stand on top of a building with a thunderous Caucasian erection. "Look," I say. "Look at me. Believe."


Q&A
On a Scale of 1 to 10 ('1' being 'Casual' and '10' being 'Complete Fucking Disaster') how serious a situation is this?
1) Casual?
2) 24 television show atom bomb detonation?
3) The Syria Situation?
4) Israel Vs Kuwait Massacre?
5) Earthquake & Tsunami combo for Japan?
6) Battle of 1066? Arrow in the eye for the King Harold '-(
7) The Millennium Bug?
8) 'Swine Flu'?
9) WWII (2)?
10) Complete Fucking Disaster?

Should I try and exploit this situation like Madeline McCain?

Today has been brought to you by animals and also gravity.

Gtg.
I am feeling vulnerable.

IS REGGAE DISASTROUS FOR YOUR LONGTERM PERSONAL BRANDING SOLUTION?

Y'all. As y'all know I'm constantly trying to learn more about this amazing world that we live in. 
From what I understand, dozens of nationalities make up this amazing world that we live in - each with their own individual situations. Although these situations may seem 'primitive' or strange to us, we must investigate these nationalities in the following ways:

• Exploit, dumb-down, and adapt their culture into bite-sized content suitable for the refined Western palate. (MP3s / shanty town montage music video / City of God film / Fashion situations.)
• Pursue the opportunity to 'cum' with exotic minorities. (Asians.)

Accepting all of ^^^ this as truth, have y'all heard about the Reggae music?

From what I understand, the Reggae-man is synonymous with the marijuana-man - smoking literally grams of 'wackybacky' in a single sitting. Part of me pities them as they are 'lazy treefrogs' but part of me envies them a life of Mario Kart marathons and simple carbohydrate ready meals.

As you no doubt know ^^^ that lifestyle is unsustainable on a long enough timeline, as we must all eventually grow up and stop playing sillybuggers. Therefore I am highly concerned about an adult (25+) who is 'into' the Reggae music.

Q&A

Have you co-branded your situation with Reggae?

Do you have a bf / gf / bff who's 'into' Reggae, or would you 'not be caught dead' with such a character?

There's a certain something something about a bunch of white men playing the Reggae jam. What is this 'thing'?

a) Childlike naivete?

b) Hackysack football?

c) Free-spirit situation?

d) Poor grades at GCSE level (no core subjects :-( sadface)?

e) Cheap, South American Fender Squire guitar?

Please make informed decisions when creating / maintaining your personal brand.

Know when it is time to let go of 'the old you' and start investing in 'the new you'.

xx

(2 kisses.)

WOULD YOU LET A STRANGER BORROW YOUR MOBILE PHONE OR WOULD YOU TELL THEM TO EFF OFF?

Hey, y'all. 
From what I understand, our mobile phone's are one of the most important pieces of technology in our collection. It's sort of like a timecapsule which is constantly being updated (due to MicroSD card, USB Sync, and software updates). It contains most of the content which makes you, 'you'.
Let us rejoice:

• Peer group and social standing (Phonebook). 
• MP3s (MP3 player).
• Your level of technological and self-awareness (Apps).
• Relationship situation (Sexting and neutritous noods from GF or BF).
• Financial situation (Owning a fancypants HTC / iPhone or a 'piece of shit' Nokia / Blackberry).

Accepting all of this as truth, are you willing to play 'Russian roulette' with your mobile handset by lending it to a stranger?

/:-/ compassionate-face

Although we can all agree that stealing content OTI is a victimless crime, unfortunately there are shady individuals who steal and commit miscellaneous crime IRL.

All of ^^^ this went through my mind when this broad came up to me and asked to borrow my mobile.

She was a lil Asian thing; approachable but also mysterious. Although I was interested in the opportunity to 'cum', my kneejerk reaction was to tell her, "No. My phone's out of battery."

(This was, of course, a lie.)

Q&A

What would you've done?

Do you believe in helping other people or is that mostly for squares and lameOs?

Are you on Pay as You Go or is that mostly for the homeless?

Do you care about Identity Theft or is it all just a 'bunch of bullshit' cooked up by the Old Media to scare _____?

Was the major motion picture Swordfish based on a true story?

YOU AND YOUR ETERNAL SITUATION

Y'all. 

Yesterday was really windy so I 'worked from home'. Y'all know the score - browsing torrent sites, social networking, posting selfies, and other equally important 1st World situations.

Unfortunately, I didn't get much work done, but then there's always tomorrow. But what about when there is no tomorrow?

!

:-O amazed-face.

From what I understand, I will 1 day die :-( sadface. All of the content which makes me, 'me' will come to an end (other than the memes which I leave behind on the internet, which will of course be around forever - and children - which are the biological ambassadors / torchbearers of you and your situation.)

As y'all know, I have sooo many demands on my time, so I cannot spare any time to dedicate myself to BS time-sinks like religion. 

Need results NOW.

Cannot be effed to invest time in longterm fruityloop hobbies like Christianity / 1 of the several Brown Religions.

Q&A

Do any of y'all know wtf happens to us after we 'pass away'?

Unfortunately, I have not researched the issue, but I would guess that the following eventualities are possible - listed from 'best' to 'worst case' scenario:

a) Heaven: A stable highspeed broadband connection, <3 love, animals, MP3s, paid sick days, HD movies, and an open bar for y'all and y'alls friends? 

b) Purgatory: Loads of grey and beige, data capped broadband / 'fair usage' policy, platonic spooning, eating pasty slop food like Robocop policeman?

c) Nothing: _____.

d) Poland: 24/7 mandatory turnip parties?

e) Hell: Dial up internet connection on a 'piece of shit' AMD K6 desktop PC which has sooo many spywares (and also there are rivers of fire (and torture))?  

Does anyone know of any churches which offer free wireless network connections?
Does anyone know if, in addition to protecting Caucasians, God also welcomed dinosaurs into the afterlife? (This seems like a very irresponsible and potentially volatile situation if it is true, which could deteriorate at a moments notice, creating a public relations nightmare similar to the major motion picture - Jurassic Park.)  

Does anyone know why so many religious men play sillybuggers with children / play Jack Johnson MP3s on crappy nylon string acoustic guitars brought from eBay?

Sooo many unanswered questions about #religion.
Defo need to become more religious for the 3rd and 4th quarters of 2013.

At the start of this post I was feeling very scared about the future and my eternal situation, but now I'm feeling okay about everything :-) happyface. 

Might just repent all my sins at the end (of #life) and hope for the best.

Good luck out there, everyone.
"God bless all of y'all."

<3 (heart symbol.)

I HAVE SEEN A MAN WEARING A 'BONK MACHINE' T SHIRT. WORRIED.

Good afternoon, the internet. Let's get down to business hmmm?

I think that y'all and I know each other pretty well by now, and we share a number of key interests:

• Illegally downloading content.
• Snarky Blogspots / Wordpress situations.
• 'Taking the Mickey' out of politically-aware sadsacks.
• Self-awareness.
• Avoiding BS middleware (Yahoo! Toolbar, Bing Desktop Searchbar, Google + Social Suite, Super Advanced PC Tune Up, Auto Driver Update Situation, Clownshoes Media Player.)
• Avoiding disgusting DRM and, if necessary, manually removing its keys from our Registry so it's utterly effing annihilated - like Hiroshima, World War II (2), or the major RTS PC game from the 1990's Total Annihilation.

Do y'all like fashion?

Unfortunately, I have 'my hands full' just trying to stay abreast of the latest meme cycle and cyberbullying strangers, so I can't commit that much time to the world of fashion and 'what's in' :-( sadface. 

Mostly just wear a mix of retro 'statement pieces' along with generic earthy-colour palette pieces, and throw in a fruity accessory as a conversation starter. 

I'm not much of a fashion-monger, but does ^^^ that sound 'okay?'

Sooo confused about trends and remaining informed about trends. 

:-? confused-face.

"I am in a constant war,

against myself,

to remain,

relevant." - A simply astonishing Haiku; emotive but also confrontational. 

Just saw some soggy little penguin wearing a 'Bonk Machine' T Shirt.

Worried.

I am not sure what this guys malfunction is - but if I had to guess - I would say that he probs does not get to 'do the bonk' too often. I would even go so far as saying that he's had between 1-3 sexual partners in his lifetime. I would even go so far as saying that these partners were of bellow average attractiveness. I would even go so far as saying [something hurtful].

Please be careful when making your wardrobe selection. 

Remember, the eyes of the world are on you / judging you and your situation.

"Although it is mainly,

what is on the inside that counts.

Looking good on the outside,

will make people like you 1st." - A Haiku © 2013

Q&A

Are you a #bonkmachine?

In 4 years will this guy look back and think, 'Fuck'?

Do you have any embarrassing fashion anecdotes?

Do they involve any of the following clothing brands:

Stiffy?

Naff Naff?

Baggy / skinny jeans?

Tie Dye situations?

Black bomber jacket / orange lining combo?

Manga and / or miscellaneous Anime clothing?

Frumpy bra?

Mum jean / baggy T Shirt combo?

Tell us YOUR fashion faux pas and YOU could win a laptop with an Intel Celeron Processor, 1 months antivirus protection with Norton 360 (no virus definition updates), and 1 to 1 technical support with that fucking Clippy paperclip thing.

Today has been brought to you by FASHION.

xx (2 kisses.)

TWERKING

Sup, y'all.
?

Have y'all heard about this major new teen situation called Twerking?
At 1st, I was like :-O amazed-face, but now I'm more like /:-/ concerned-face.

From what I understand, women of a consenting age do a lil dance where they stick their ass out and shake it. To win the prize you must try to slap your ass cheeks together, creating a pleasant ripple-like effect. If you're successful then you'll get 'mad props' from women and the opportunity to create the facility to 'cum' with men.

I am aghast. 
This new teen fad is being championed by the influential broad Milly Cyrus / Hannah Montana. Unfortunately, I have not researched the situation - but if I had to guess - I would say that Beyonce, Rhianna, and possibly Katy Perry are also involved somehow.
#worried.

"Teen girls are the future,
mothers of tomorrow.
Sent down from heaven,
to improve our lives / general situation." - An Emotional and Delicate Haiku 

Q&A
Have you Twerk?
If you were a parent and you saw your daughter Twerking would you:
a) Keep it Casual - Respecting your daughters choices and trusting her judgement? "My little girl is all grown up. It is time to let go."
b) Neutral - Coming to terms with the situation and biting your tongue? "_____."
c) Completely Lose Your Shit - Creating a scene and dragging her home in front of her peers? "I cannot believe this. I cannot feel my eyes. Sooo disappointed." 
(You MUST choose an option.)
Do you think that Queen B and Ri-Ri are good rolemodels for females aged 12 to 48 - transporting a woman from her mundane reality of minimum wage data entry in Tunbridge Wells to a life of dizzy excitement in Hollywood, eating smack cocaine and doping a bong, with the power of their music?
Is Rhianna a black queen or just an enabler?
What is a Baby Mama?
Do you think that being Jay Z or dating Rhianna would be a 'complete fucking nightmare' when Queen B and Ri-Ri come back home at silly o'clock in the morning playing Independent Woman MP3 very loudly?



xxxo (3 kisses. 1 hug.)

LET ME SHOW YOU MY CAT

Hey, y'all.
Feeling really full of the joys of Spring / I'm drunk atm.
Thought I'd just riff about my cat in this post as things have been getting far too serious business around here recently. Let's begin hmmm?

My cat's called Mao-Mao LOL and as you can clearly see, she's fluffy and has the full package:

• 4 legs.
• Ears.
• A tail (not pictured).

She's 2 years old and I brought her from some broad I found on The Gumtree. Loads of goody2shoes' said that I should've got a rescue cat, but I just didn't think that that was for me, man. Not at all. From what I understand, a rescue cat is sort of like something that you'd find at the bottom of the bargain bin at your local crappy independent record shop / book shop / The Topshop / miscellaneous primitive dying high street business model.
Just didn't want that kind of BS in my life, you know?

Here she is again having a lil nap. Mao looks a lil bit like the Firefox fox in this photo (due to redonk tail action). Do y'all think that the creative team that invented the Firefox logo made 'mad bank,' or do you think that they were just a bunch of effing daydreamers / interns and got 'the shaft' due to poor legal representation / willingness to work for free to build their portfolio?
From what I understand, the job market is tough atm - so realistically sometimes it's like you have to lose the battle (work for free) to win the war (get a job).
Are call centre's 'fucking bullshit?'
What is THE WORST job?
a) Retail Middle Management: Having to meet targets, bust the staff's balls about a bunch of BS, team building situations?
b) Singer / Songwriter Situation: Getting sooo vulnerable on stage, spamming your friends to like your Soundcloud MP3s, thrush STD?
c) Lazy Treefrog Binman: Throwing your metaphorical toys out of the metaphorical pram about _____?

Just thinking out loud. Riffing.
Mao spends loads of time keeping it casual / looking all kewt and stuff. 
Having her around enhances my situation in the following ways:

• Shows broads that I'm a sensitive, caring male / provider man.
• Entertainment (due to miscellaneous antics).
• Affection (due to miscellaneous physical contact).
• Responsibility. (Think having a Tamagotchi Pet / Pokeman Red / ChiChi Monster where the stakes are effing redonkulous high / possibility of death :-O amazed-face)
• Moral Boost. (When Mao comes into my room at 8am and gets 'all up in my grill' I know that it's going to be a simply outstanding day.)

Q&A
No Q&A today. 
Just go out and keep things as real as humanly possible. 
(Cyberbully at least 1 person.)

xxx
(3 kisses.)

#BINSTRIKE

Really want to get real with y'all for this post. 
/:-/ compassionate face.

(This is a think piece about Brighton Bin Strike 2013.)
I live in an opulent seaside town in the South East of England. 
Life is pretty casual. We have a predominantly Caucasian population and most of the miscellaneous coloured peoples are Asian. 
If I had to guess, I would say that our city would score 8/10.

Recently our bin-people voted to go on strike for a week. They're working over the weekend then going back on strike again for another week. Unfortunately, I don't understand the situation, nor the politics involved - but I've heard the following reasons for this situation:

• No more time-and-a-half on Bank Holiday Mondays :-( sadface.
• Lack of steady hours :-( sadface.
• 4k paycut for 'some' staff :-( sadface.

I've also heard 'on the grapevine' that they are >:-( angryface about poor working conditions. (Soggy nappies, half-eaten DairyLea Dunker pots, some pizza crust, a mattress, _____.)

I can neither confirm nor deny any of ^^^ those reasons - as I tend to spend the majority of my time on snarky blogspots, entertainment content farms, and pornography sites - and not zzz factual news content aggregator sites. Anyways, after a week of strike action, we now have piles of rubbish 4' deep. They scar the face of our city like splashes of acne on a spotty teen.

"I am living, 
in a Material World,
and I am a material girl.
(The material is 'fucking bullshit.)'" - A very vulnerable Haiku

Obvs I spend most of my time OTI - so this situation effects me less than Tom, Dick, or Harry who have a less-evolved online presence than I do - but even my situation is being compromised.

• I have to walk past the rubbish.
• Smell.
• Seagulls / rats / plague. 

I saw a used tampon in the street.
I believe that women's hygiene products should be disposed of in an orderly fashion, much like a cat daintily burying its 'business' in a litter tray; it should be neither seen, nor heard. 

Feeling sooo confused about #binstrike.
:-( sadface.

Do the needs of the few (us) outweigh the needs of the many (bin-people) or needs the one (bin-person)? (This question is rhetorical but please feel free to share your views, y'all. The most self-aware and politically-savvy comment will win a T Shirt, which reads 'Eff Capitalism and Brussels.')

Really feel like I need to be more politically-active to resolve this issue.

From what I understand we all have rights.
The bin-people also have rights. Although they're probs less self-aware than the average iamawaitingyourereading reader or savvy, internet content-consumer >>> they have rights. Obvs I don't know any bin-people, but if I had to guess, I would say that they are 'into' the following:

• Desktop PCs with Pentium 4 processors.
• Short-term / high-interest loans.
• Yahoo! Toolbar.
• Competitive sports.
• Paying for content from iTunes / Amazon.com.
• Meat pies and savory snacks.

In the past Margaret Thatcher (M. Tatty) 'smashed' the unions for great justice but the bin-people said, 'No.' 

Unfortunately, I don't know if this #binstrike is something to do with ^^^ that situation. The 2 things seem like they're related.

Really need to get more politically-aware in preparation for the second half of 2013 / eventual fallout from The Eurozone Crisis and Galactic Economic Meltdown.

At the start of this post I felt like the bin-people were 'fucking assholes' for not tidying up, but now I don't know what to think. 
:-? confused face.
Might just chill on the internet until this 'effing nightmare' is over. 
#worried.


Q&A
Do you know a bin-person?
What's their situation / what do they want?
If you could go on strike for a week what TV box set would y'all watch?
Regarding multiculturalism - do you think that Asians contribute the most to our multicultural situation (due to science experiments, Manga clothes, Totoro merchandise, and their women-folk having redonkulous breast-to-ass ratio due to slender genetics)?
Which minority contributes the least?
Poland?
How should we be compensated for this outrage?
a) 1 week free Council Tax?
b) 'Murder' a politician or Fat Cat City Banker?
c) MP3s?
If it comes down to it, how should WE clean OUR streets?
a) Send all the rubbish to _____?
b) 'Push it all into the corners' like children tidying their room?
c) Fire?


CONCLUSION:
Really feel like we need to start getting organised and start 'taking names and kicking asses.' 
We need to take our collective situation to such great heights.
Our time is NOW!
We must strike back against oppression from bin-people and the government.
We must change our Facebook Status' / Profile Piccys NOW.
We must march on Town Hall (possibly playing bongos).
We must dress up in bin bags and do the Flash Mob. 
We must make sweeping statements and confrontational copy / try to link this situation to terrorism / the breakdown of traditional family values somehow.

(When I used to play Sim City and the little computer people went on strike, sometimes I just demolished their city with a volcano / UFO / miscellaneous disaster and went back to an old save point.)
Is ^^^ this the answer?
What do y'all think?

(This has been a think piece about Brighton Bin Strike 2013.)

I AM PLANNING AN INTERVENTION FOR THIS OLD DEAR.

Y'all. As y'all know, I'm constantly helping people who are less self-aware / Caucasian than we are. 
Because we spend sooo much time OTI, consuming content and cyberbulling strangers, we often lose sight of REAL problems facing REAL people. Obvs, this blogsite.com offers the YOU'RE WORLD feature which 'touches upon' these IRL issues, but sometimes we have to be even more compassionate and stage an intervention.

From what I understand an intervention takes place in the following situations:

• Miscellaneous sitcom to challenge a character's malfunction. (Booze for Charlie - 2 and 1 Half Men, Women for Joey - Friends, and Pissypants for Frasier - Frasier / Cheers, Y'all.)
• Domestic violence / passive aggressive relationship.
• Jesus and The Brown Religions. 
• Life.

Unfortunately, as I live my modern life in today's modern world I can't stop to help every Tom, Dick, and Harry, but I've found someone desperately in need of an intervention. This Old Dear down the road from me seems to be going through a midlife crisis. It's not the exciting, sexually-charged midlife crisis of a woman from Sex in the City, Sex in the Cougar Town, or some 40+ broad who spends alot of time in the gym - distancing herself from a mundane divorce and off into a life of dizzy adventure and promiscuous sex (due to rock hard abs / bottom) - it's a different kind of crisis. 

A crisis of the mind :-( sadface.

(Haven't forgotten about Croatia - just need to clear this situation up.)

This 40 something woman has the following malfunctions:

• Plays the Dub Step music.
• Plays the Reggae music.
• Plays the Issues music (Korn, System of the Down, Metalicia.)
• Lives in an 'effing dreamworld' where she never had a 20th birthday. Mentally, her parents do not understand her / will not let her go to the prom.

Does anyone know how you go about staging an intervention? 

Here is a little about me:

• I 50% want to help and 50% want to make things worse.
• I have no formal training in conflict resolution / teen issues.

Q&A

Do you have issues?

Do your parents / gf / bf / bff not 'get' you?

Are you having a midlife or quarterlife crisis?

Is the Dub Step music the worst music on Earth?

Is Reggae music made for spiritual lions or is it moar for sillybillys?

Do you have a slow younger brother who does 'jammin'?

Do you think that every few years we should shed our metaphorical skin (clothing / CD collection / political / social views) much like some species of lizard and start over?

What is a Pantrera?

xxxo

(3 kisses & hugs.)

GTG - I AM ON HOLIDAY

Y'all. As you're well aware I'm constantly evolving my situation across a number of key areas:

• Internet content consumption / illegal piracy.
• LOLs.
• Feelings (including compassion, self-awareness, and understanding).
• Work (mad bank = putting metaphorical food on the metaphorical table).

Sometimes feel 'overwhelmed' by the adversities I face in today's modern world.

(Really thinking about writing / producing / directing a straight to DVD autobiographical circlejerk to explain my situation to Hollywood / Bollywood. MAKE them understand.

If I do 'follow through' with this brainstorm, what do y'all think I should call the film? I'm thinking about, 'Platinum Dawg.' I think that this title is a 'lil bit racial' and edgy and should cause a shitstorm with the Old Media and miscellaneous do-gooders. Wish me luck, y'all!)

Anyways, I gtg on holiday.

14 friends and I are off to sunny Croatia for a break from 'The Stupid Rat Race.' Obvs, I've never been to Croatia - as I prefer to spend the bulk of my time surfing on the World Wide Web.

Feeling excited.

Worried.

Looking at the ^^^ map I think that I'm getting dangerously close to 'The Shame of Europe,' Poland.

Defo don't want to be dragged into the Eurozone Crisis, either. Although I've done some really thorough investigative journalism into the Galactic Economic Meltdown, I don't feel informed enough about the issues / situations to completely resolve the issues / situations yet. I feel that I need at least another couple of months to formulate my solutions before I submit my findings to the Fat Cat City Bankers and 'Spineless Bureaucrats' in Brussels. 

#worried.

"Sometimes feel,

like I am living my life,

like a metaphorical Candle in the Wind." - Haiku 

At the start of this post I was feeling really optimistic about the situation, but now I'm not sure. I might need to read the Wikipedia entry on Croatia / find out wtf I'm actually staying.

Q&A

Are you Croatian?

Do they have mobile internets - and if so - are they 'fucking bullshit' like '3G' or 'E?'

Does ANYONE know where I'm staying?

Obvs, the new episode of Life is a Game of Thrones comes out this Sunday. Is it better to stream it or DL a nutritious torrent?

Were you 'a lil bit glad' when Rob Stark's Puerto Rican broad was 'murdered?'

Would you say that life as middle management in a medieval army would be:

a) Really Kewl: Loads of respect from the troops and bewbs to touch?

b) Casual: Having to tell people off but being able to come back late from lunch?

c) Really Awful: Death and / or mutilation. Not a lot of screen time?

xx

(2 kisses.)