1STWP - IS THERE ANY PLACE FOR BOOKS IN OUR MODERN WORLD?

(1STWP is a really serious feature on iam___. In it, we discuss 1st World Problems in an adult and mature way. We may learn something but probably not.)

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Really thinking that it might be time to read a 'book'.

From what I understand, lots of clevercloggs niggas read actual, physical books. 
It's important to be seen reading books but it's also important to have YOUR books on display, on a coffee table, bedside table, or old flatpack desktop PC desk. Seems like the amount of books you surround yourself with is directly proportional to your intelligence. 

I'm not sure if I should 'respect' people who read books or feel very sorry for them, as they are obvs not spending enough time OTI reading snarky Blogspots, Wikipedia synopsis' of stuff, and looking at amazing pornography. They are mismanaging their time / situation. 

"I am escaping,
to a world filled with _____.
Every effing word, 
is another footstep." - Haiku 2013 ©

Should I read an actual, physical book?
Is it like 'riding a bike' or will I have forgotten how :-? confused face?
(Probs going to start off with an ebook /. PDF thing 1st, as I'm not really sure if my wrists / upperbody strength will be able to handle a 'book' :-( sadface. Just so used to the internet these days, which as you know, can weigh as little as a mobile phone.)
Do you read books?
Should I buy the book (for display purposes) and then DL a pirated digital copy (for actual reading)?
Wtf is The Amazonian Kindle? 

<3 heart symbol.

SORT OF FEEL BAD FOR PEOPLE WHO WORK IN OUTSOURCED CALL CENTRES

Just got off the phone from some effing sillybilly woman in the Philippines working on behalf of The Halifax bank.  
After 20 mins+ of trying to make this broad understand my exact situation, I am left feeling sort of bad for her life / situation.
'Fuck'.

Obvs, these 3rd World probs don't apply to us. We have been born with a (metaphorical) silver spoon. 
Come. Let us rejoice:

• English as a 1st language. 
• Major motion pictures.
• Central heating.
• Food.

Most of the EU also has drinkable water direct from the tap. The obvious exception being Poland.

Not really sure if this hard-working call centre broad, Milet, is to blame - or if The Halifax is to blame for throwing expendable cannon-fodder to the wall?

WHO is to blame for this 'fucking shambles'?!

Halifax / miscellaneous crappy highstreet bank / customer service situation?

Members of the 3rd World for not applying themselves and learning to speak English correctly?

Should the whole world be forced to learn English and all other silly languages be outlawed?

Am I being too lenient on Milet (hard-working call centre broad) and should I demand to, "Speak with her manager / supervisor?"

Is this another symptom of the Global Economic Downturn, and are 'things' just going to get effing worse as we go 'further down the rabbit hole' looking for a solution to the Global Economic Downturn?
Why is the Philippines called 'the' Philippines? #confused.

Gtg. 
I am going to DL some nutritious torrents as compensation for the 20mins+ of my life that this broad's wasted.
Feeling really >:-( angryface at the 3rd World atm.
Feeling really /:-/ compassionate-face for these enslaved, un-self-aware savages.

Should we start an ePetition / all change our Facebook Profile Piccys to raise awareness / change the world?

Eff oppression!

xxo (2 kisses & 1 hug.)

MAJOR MOTION PICTURE - THE LAST STAND

"I thought that it was Christmas Day.

But there were no presents under the tree.

(Nor even a tree.)

Just a fresh, virginal torrent of The Last Stand." - Haiku by The Internet

From what I understand, Arnold Schwarzenegger once said, "I'll be back, niggas." ('Say what you want about him inappropriately heavy-petting / full-on sexually molesting those broads from his politics thing, but I don't really understand or care about any of that.) 

Really like his films :-) happyface.  

Sort of expected his comeback film to be either:

a) Textbook Arnie - Lots of situations blowing up, maybe some bewbs. Probs a reboot / sequel / prequel / miscellaneous cashgrab of existing franchise. 

b) Good - Probs a bit zzz. Probs not a lot of A. Shizzy actual screen time. Maybe a touching 'redemption' type major motion picture.

c) Sort of okay - Maybe like some old nig coming out of retirement for 1 last situation. Bit like The Grand Torino for Papa Clint Eastwood.

d) "It's all bullshit, all of it." - Emotional busy bollocks story about feelings / politics / miscellaneous plot which would demand as little running as poss.

e) 'Fucking bullshit.' - Something like Commander Jack Reacher for T. Cruise. (Still haven't even finished watching it. Ugh.)

I believe The Last Stand was somewhere between c) and b). 

Sort of okay / good. 

Obvs, it doesn't make sense and Papa A's just sort of on 'autopilot' - but history and 'life' have taught us that things could've been a lot worse: 

• Jackie Browns for Bobby De Niro
• Basic Instinct II 2 for Sharon Stone
• I Am Alone in the Dark for Christian Slater Nig
• Transformers Situation for Optimus Prime
• Jaws: The Revenge for 'Shark'

Anyways, if you enjoy Papa Arnold S. you should totes watch this. Just have it playing in the background or something. 

(Not sure what / why Jonny Knoxville is in the major motion picture.)

Q&A

Does anyone understand how The Rotten Tomato website works? (Seems like their scoring system is 'fucking bullshit' :-( sadface.)

Should they reboot Conan and have Papa Arnold as an old Conan?

Should I 'sell' this idea to Hollywood?

Realistically, how much do you think I / we could get?

Really excited about this new project, niggas!

^___^ optimistic-Kawaii-Asian-face

xx (2 kisses.)

1STWP - WHY IS IT WHEN YOU ARE NOT DRINKING EVERYONE WANTS A SITUATION, HMMM?

(1STWP is an 'exciting' feature where we explore 1st World Problems. As technologically-savvy and self-aware members of the 1st World, the dangers we face can seem overwhelming at times. Together - we can cope.)

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Sort of feeling a little _____ atm.

"I am thinking I need some time,
'off the front line'.
Some R & R. (That means Rest and Relaxation.)
I need some zzz, niggas." - An ancient Haiku from WW2.

My feels are deflated and my penis is flaccid. 
From what I understand, it is important to look after yourself / your situation. 
Feeling like I need to metaphorically slow down.

Maybe I need a spa day?
Do you know of any sites like Groupon / MyVoucherCodes which offer cheap spa days?
(They will probs be a .org or .net.)
Is a spa day an effective way to 'reboot' your stale relationship - or is it an admission of complete failure and incompatibility and time to euthanise your stale relationship?

The thing is, my nigs - as soon as you decide to have a quiet couple of nights in every Tom, Dick, and Harry comes out of the woodwork and wants a situation. 

Going to have to learn to say, "NO!" 
Going to have to take a stand. (Metaphor.) 
Going to have to draw the line. (Metaphor.)
Going to have to 'pretend that I left my phone in my coat pocket, which was downstairs, which was why I missed your call.' (Lie.)

Today has been brought to you by 1st World Problems.
(I'm also really interested in platonic spooning atm. If anyone fancies some platonic spooning - I have a bed, a cat, and some MP3s of soothing Amazon rainforest noises.)

x (1 kiss.)

REALLY EFFING ROYAL - KATE MIDDLETON

Sup, niggas.
?

Let's get down to business, hmmm?
Recently, Kate Middleton has been having Grade A pissypants over those nutritious photos of her 'showing the goods' last year. (Sort of feel that the royal family needs to LERN 2 INTERNET and let bygones be bygones to avoid a potential Streisand Effect - but maybe that's a situation for another day.) Anyways, I started thinking about our brothers and sisters in the USA and Canada. 
Obvs, on our 'side of the pond' we're familiar with our Royal Family and their disgusting adventures but you're probs wondering, "Who the eff is this broad?"

To this end, the dedicated iam___ team and I have created an 'exciting' new feature called REALLY EFFING ROYAL. 

Just want to help our readers overseas understand the situation and - as always - become more self-aware (and also provoke traffic, due to edgy content and Old Media baiting posts. Wish me luck, niggas :-) happyface.)

Let's start off with Kate Middleton, hmmm?

• K. Middy is the Duchess of Cambridge and wife of turtle-headed dandy Prince William, Duke of Cambridge.
• From what I understand, she is 'redonkulous pretty' but in a very natural and approachable way. (Pretty sure that if Papa Willy was Assistant Manager at PC World, and not royalty, they probs wouldn't be together - but that, too, is a situation for another day.) 
• Women want to BE her and men want to _____ her. (Sex.)

Anways, last year her 'Chelsea Buns' were photographed by some sonofabitch / pervert and splashed all over the papers / internets. 
People went 'fucking mental' :-O amazedface. 
England was split into 3:
1) Niggas who thought, "I enjoy this situation."
2) Niggas who thought, "I condemn this situation."
3) Niggas who thought, "Breasts are always welcome. Y'all need to chill the eff out."

From what I understand, KK. Middy has decided to persue the French photographer through the legal system and utterly destroy him / his situation. Reaslistically, all this is doing is dragging her (and her 'Yorkshire Puddings') back through the headlines.

Kate, if you're reading, don't stoop to their level! It's what they want.
You're so much better than that - and will be Queen Bee one day.
#stayclassykate.

I'll let you know how this situation develops, my nigs. Could be exciting opportunities to 'cum' but also opportunities to ride the Lollercoaster.

Now, let's have a brief Q & A, hmmm?
Should I spice up the title of this post and call it something confrontational like, THE QUEEN IS DEAD (EMBARRASSED) or ROYAL CRUMPET NSFW?
Is it more important to YOU to 'cum' or to LOL? (Sometimes, I'm not sure what's more important to me :-? confusedface.)
Should I 'make myself available' to the Royal Family in a purely advisory role - suggesting ways for them to manage internet cyberbulling / minimise drama OTI / basic internet 101 / advanced 1337 LERN 2 INTERNET skills?
Sort of like a digital Knight of the Realm?
Realistically, would I make the situation worse?
Do you remember Baldur's Gate II?

Did you think that Katy M's bewbs were:
a) Okay?
b) Nice size, but a bit too 'hangy' for my tastes?
c) "They are the Crown Jewels (I am LOLing out loud)." - Reporter?
d) Average?
e) "They are to Di for." - Insensitive Reporter exploiting Princess Diana meme?
f) _____?

#stayclassykate.
Our thoughts are with you, in this, your darkest hour.

YOU'RE WORLD - I AM A CHARITY FUNDRAISER

(YOU'RE WORLD is an 'amazing' feature where anons get to tell fellow anons their situation. Let's see who needs our assistance this week, hmmm?)

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I AM A CHARITY FUNDRAISER

Charity Beggar.
Charity Mugger.
Scrounger. 
Swampy.
'Fucking Asshole'.
Ugh.
I have been called it all this week. I am not sure if I can go on (with life). 

I have recently started an exciting new career in Charity Fundraising. 
Basically, I stand in a busy street and ask / guilt people into signing up for £5 - £10 a month (or whatever you can afford).
I am not paid an hourly wage, so my income is purely commission based. I am not sure if I can go on (with my 'career').

I have always been interested in helping those less fortunate / Caucasian / self-aware than me. Primarily, I am interested in the children with the little pot-bellies and the flies in the eyes. These children live in some of the worse conditions imaginable :-( sadface. Do you have a couple of minutes to spare so that I can tell you all about it?

• No food.
• No drinking water.
• No wireless internets. (Not even 'E'.)
• Africa, Darfur, Sudan, and of course - Poland.

The first couple of shifts I still 'fucking believed'.

Believed I was making a diff / making the world a more :-) place / making my parents proud.

I guess this is my problem - a problem that I desperately need help resolving.

I no longer chuffing care about charity. 

Little by little, signature by signature, it became less about charitable donations and more about doing whatever the eff it takes to get that signature / card number (long one across the middle) / 8 digit account number / 6 digit sort code / and secret security situation number (3 numbers on the back, nigga). 

I have lied. 
I have harassed. 
I am basically a 'prostitute' (but with a clipboard and plush soft toy free gift situation).

I am not sure if I can go on (with my 'career' / life).

I am ashamed. iam___

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'Jeezlouise'. 
What do you recommend this anon should do?

Change jobs?
Get some R E S P E C T (find out what it means to ME)?
Commit to social change (get 'back to where it all began')?
Commit virtual suicide (deactivate Facebawks account)?
Commit actual suicide (:'-( sadface-with-tear)?
Try to get a refund of 'effing worthless' degree (Media, Marine Biology, Sociology, Music Performance, Music Production, Music _____, Art, Art History, History History, French)?

Exciting new money making venture?

a) Killing spree (Grand Theft Auto IV 5)?
b) Illegal Cock-fighting situation (Pokeman)?  
c) 'Stacking shelves in Tesco' (Tetris)?

It is NEVER too late to change.
Whoever gives the most savvy and emotionally-complex advice will receive an adoption package for a Jaguar. (Your adoption pack will include a quarterly news letter, a little soft toy Jaguar nig, a pen, and a certificate. The charity is called The 9th Life Foundation (probs because cats have 9 lives.))  

xxxo (3 kisses & 1 hug.)

IS MIST THE MOST MYSTERIOUS THING ON EARTH?

Sup, niggas?
(That question is rhetorical.) 

As you know, I'm constantly trying to become more self-aware and promote my situation (both OTI and IRL / AFK). I'm really interested in a number of things - like charity / politics / feelings / and trying to get into the new season of Life is a Game of Thrones.

Recently I've been spending some time AFK and exploring the outside world. 
'It is a jungle out there'.

"Imagine a game,
which is so life-like it is 'fucking mental'.
You win the game, just by playing.
This game is called 'Life.'" A devastatingly powerful Haiku © 2013

Sort of feel like there is nothing more mysterious than mist. 

It can take the most basic situation and turn it into a situation where you would genuinely fear for your life.

From what I understand, even the most basic of tasks - like 'popping to the corner shop' / walking / sex in public places (spicing up doomed relationship) / topping up pay as you go gas card or mobile phone situation (if you are poor) can all have an undercurrent of menace if you throw mist into the mix.

Does anyone know what mist actually is?
Is it something to do with rain / humidity?
Does anyone even use pay as you go mobile phones anymore?
Do you know a person (or are you a person) who has to eff around with a pay as you go utility service, like gas or electricity?
Does that person (or you) feel like a 'teenage dirtbag'?

Please, everyone - be careful out there.
Try to avoid strangers / people you do not like the look of.

Today has been brought to you by MIST.
<3 heart symbol