A NEW ROYAL BABY. REJOICE!

All my life I have been waiting for a Royal BB. The pregnancy allows us to become close to the the Royal Family - we're right there with them - welcomed into the inner circle [via promotional buzz]. We're transported from our flaccid existence in minimum wage cotton fields and are invited to live the life of Riley - hobnobbing with Her Majesty the Queen, eating a quails egg with a magic spoon, and demanding sex from post grads. Blessings. Blessings. 

"Rejoice!
For we are dirt,
and a royal bb is growing.
Rejoice!" - Haiku © 2015

I've collected hundreds of newspaper clippings and even though it's early days I already know that this baby is special. I'm feeling pretty sweetums about the situation :-]

This baby has a gravitational pull like a black hole but white; everything is drawn towards it. It's the biggest Old Media event since the last one and the buzz is deafening. 
We must support the Royal Family via whatever means necessary. 
We must show interest, be that doubling our taxes to raise funds for a sweet treehouse or killing ourselves to make the air cleaner. 
We must do our bit. 

Q&A
Even though I've never met him I'm totes ready to die for the new king. You?
Is this rigmarole some construct of the Old Media to shift newspapers? 
I think it'd be really great if we put our heads together and brainstorm a relevant name for the baby. Here's my suggestions to get the ball rolling:
a) King / Queeny
b) The One
c) Diana 2
d) Donkey Kong Jr
e) Platinum
f) Edward / Charles / Victoria / miscellaneous traditional name.
g) Edword / Kharles / Vicky-May / miscellaneous traditional name, but modernised. 
Let me know your cleanest and most relevant suggestions and I'll email my contact at Buckingham Palace.

Really hoping someone rigs up a webcam so I can be inside the room when he's crowning B-]
<3

TOM CRUISE DOES HIS OWN STUNTS.

It's well known that Tom Cruise leads a solitary life. 
His evenings are filled with push ups, strange illuminati rituals, and probs keeping a diary / journal. In many ways he's the sun chasing the moon; he want's Joe public to like him but also has a deep disdain for The Common Man (9-5 hours / -£20'000 salary / +10% body fat).
I am familiar with the following Tom Cruise films:

• Cocktail - A cool man.
• Top Gun - Homosexual undertones / promoting America.
• Interview With The Vampire Man - Not Brad Pitt vampire.
• Minority Report / Oblivion / Live. Die. Repeat - Miscellaneous Sci Fi.
• I Am A Samurai - A cool man. Sex with Asians.
• Valkyrie - Hitler?
• Mission Impossible - Tom Cruise. 

In many of the above ^^^ major motion pictures there are the following themes:

• Seducing misc broads.
• Inconsequential murder of misc extras.
• Dedication to The Way (Sci Fi biz / mysterious biz).
• Being cool [via expositional dialogue / not conforming with The Man).

Feeling really worried about Tom Cruise. For example, I feel he'd be adverse to me calling him 'Big T', or 'T', but he'd be totes onboard with my calling him 'Papa T'. I'd like to hang out with him in the VIP lounge letting him pay for everything.

Anyways, I recently came across some behind the scenes footage / propaganda of him doing some redonk stunts for the new Mission Impossible film. From what I understand he's hanging off a plane - similar to him hanging from the Muslim building circa 2010. Worried. As self aware content consumers living in The 1st World, can we in all honesty trust this promotional material? We're all familiar enough with green screen shenanigans that we can spot an attack ship on fire off the shoulder of Orion as easily as we can spot the ted in Ted. Is he just paying some bro to do this biz for him? In our post-Prometheus world can we really trust any promo material anymore? 

As we previously discussed, Tom Cruise cares little for Average Joe - so why should he court our opinion hmmm?

We, as tech savvy content consumers living in the 1st World, must be sceptical of all art forms - be that a Flash Mob celebrating transgender situations or a cup cake sale promoting the Gaza Strip meme.

Q&A

Does Papa T do his own films or does he just pay some bro to do 'the heavy lifting' [via Kate Moss body double]?

Are flair barmen fucking bullshit [via serve the drink already]?

What's your fav <3 Papa T film?

Is Will Smith an albino Tom Cruise?

I quite liked the Day After Tomorrow / Live. Die. Repeat. (Not really a question.)

Remain self aware, y'all.

xx

(2 kisses.)

FLATCAP HAT PERSONAL BRAND

From what I understand the flatcap personal branding solution is making an organic comeback. You may remember this meme circa 2010-2011, where it was a relevant personal branding solution for the following groups of people:

• Fisherman.
• Tattoo man
• Straight Edge guitar techs.
• Poachers / faux Romanian gypsy chic. 
• Steam Punk alternative personal brand.
• Broads who liked photography.
• Broads who keep a diary.

This list is no means exhaustive, and there may have been other sub-cultures who adopted this trend. Do y'all remember the Edge from the popular stadium band U2?

Seems like he could've afforded hair plugs / a better hat, but maybe it was a poor decision made by his marketing team or he saw it on TV somewhere? I guess we'll never truly know the answer in our post-U2-free-album-backlash world. 

Isn't it funny how fashion goes in swings and roundabouts? What was last seasons darling trend is this seasons amateur hour.

In this post I've been exploring my relationship with personal branding in the modern urban environment. 

Q&A

Would you describe yourself as an early adopter or a late adopter? I'd probs describe myself as a medium adopter; although I'm not adverse to the idea of wearing disco pants (for him) I'd most likely hold off buying some until 3-5 of my core bros had committed to the situation 1st.

Have you ever considered the Straight Edge personal brand, or is that mostly for people who 'go completely effing mental after 2-3 drinks' / people trying too hard?

What's the most relevant accessory in your wardrobe?

What's the least relevant? (Bonus question.)
Do you embrace new / current / returning trends or violently reject their teachings?

Please remain open-minded when creating / maintaining your personal brand, but also be ready to immediately throw someone under the bus when they make a poor decision. (Metaphor.) 

LERN 2 INTERNET: TORRENT SITE PROXIES

If you’re anything like me then you’ll defo have your eyes on this Autumns hottest digital releases. If you're anything like me then, unfortunately, you’ll have no intention of paying for them. As we’ve discussed several times before internet piracy truly is a victimless crime, delivering tons of content onto our storage devices via satellites and wires. Come, let’s reflect:

• Forces the content creator to release only their most relevant content. Gone are the days of nurturing / supporting the artist. We demand 1-3 products immediately, offering payment only in exchange for a show within a manageable distance and monetary reward on our terms. 
• Conservation. As y’all know, we only have 1 planet and have to do anything we can to protect it from negative vibes and pollution; from studying a local bee population to dropping an atom bomb on India if they fail to meet their greenhouse gas emission targets. Internet piracy saves the rainforests as digital distribution platforms do away with traditional packaging. 
• Balances the equation of life. Obviously The Man is constantly trying to keep us down :-[ (Council tax, VAT 20%, not policing simple carbohydrate ready meal availability, minimum wage sillybuggers, and an effing redonk understaffed NHS.)  In order to bring the situation back into balance we must illegally download content to boost our morale.

Accepting all of this as truth we have to do whatever we can to circumvent torrent site blocks. We owe it to ourselves. Here’s some proxy addresses:

Kick Ass Torrents
Pirate Bay
YTS


Q&A
Is VAT ‘complete fucking bullshit’?
How many gigabytes of content to you illegally download a week?
a) 1?
b) 10? 
c) “I honestly have no idea. Like 50+?”
Have you ever received a passive aggressive cease and desist letter from your ISP? 
Do you download content ‘to try it out first & then if I like it, I buy it’ or is that simply untrue?

xxx
(3 kisses.)

UNDERSTANDING THE ECONOMIC DOWNTURN: CHRISTMAS

Y'all. Let's continue our efforts to understand the financial crisis, hmmm? 
It's getting close to that time of year where children throughout the 1st World lick their lips lustfully while composing a Letter to Father Christmas. What expensive electronic treasure / piece of molded plastic will they receive? It's an exciting opportunity.

My birthday's in December. I used to pull the old okiedoke and ask my parents for 1 big present, equal to the combined expense of birthday / Christmas. Even at a young age it's important to be a savvy consumer, know what you want, and abuse The Man to get it. It's as valuable a lesson then as it is now; you tell the TV Licensing people, "I have a TV but I only use it for games and watching videos." ;-]
The heart wants what the heart wants, but mostly doesn't want to pay anything for it.

Just want to use this post to explore our relationship with Christmas / miscellaneous generosity in the midst of The Intergalactic Financial Crisis. On 1 hand it's important to give to others - but maybe this time round we should adopt a very selfish 'every man for himself' type situation; maybe even going so far as to steal products we can't afford from other households, much like life in Central Poland? This situation bred the popular Polish saying, "Every dog is a meal, and every meal should feed a family of 8." Interesting stuff.


Q&A
Will Christmas 2014 be the straw that broke the camels back of the impoverished European Union?
Do you 'put a lil something aside throughout the year' to ease the burden of Xmas, or is that practice mostly for poor people?
What the eff is 'Xmas'?
If you have a large extended family is it best to just chill hard on the internet over the festive period until the madness subsides?
What will you be buying your parents, GF, BF, or BFF this Christmas?
a) Miscellaneous gift card?
b) Last minute panic buy from garage / supermarket combo?
c) Something thoughtful? 
d) Something thoughtful, but ultimately not very good, hoping the thoughtfulness balances the lack of monetary value of the item? (Keeping overheads down.)
e) Something y'all made y'allself? (Keeping overheads down.)
f) Whatevs they want? (Money's no problem.) 
g) Some species of moderately priced animal? (Goldfish, lucky dip cat from a classified add.)
h) Exotic and high-maintenance animal, which will ultimately drive a wedge between you? (Bear?)
i) Exotic underwear? 

At the start of this post I was worried about what effects Christmas will have on the Eurozone, but now I'm feeling a little better about the situation. I'm planning to watch 1-3 TED talks on the subject and maybe join a Flashmob. Might become more active on Reddit.
I strongly suggest y'all do the same.


x
(1 kiss)

30_SOMETHING: KIDS

(30_SOMETHING is an emotional new feature where we examine our situation as self aware adults IRL.)

-----

I always thought I'd have kids at 30ish. I also thought I'd have a thick mane of chest hair like Sean Connery in the Bond film. Neither happened.

At 31, I'm not in a rush for either; regularly ensuring that the woman's on the pill (because condoms) and fortnightly running a number 2 clipper over my chest. So what happened there then? It's tricky, y'all. From what I understand having kids can either complete your life, making you a better person - or completely eff it up, making you :-[
Scientists state this situation comes down to how the pregnancy came about:
a) Planned. "We are happy. This is a beautiful embodiment / culmination of our love / effort to save our marriage."
b) Unplanned. "'Jesus Christ'. I cannot believe this is happening to me. I am fucked. You told me that you would pull out."

Excited about having a little bro to pass the torch to; eventually asking him for IT support when my brain microchip fails to boot. I will fade into old age, watching from the sidelines as he grows into maturity strong and clean.
Worried about not even liking the kid when it grows up. What if it doesn't get by personal brand / is interested in 'complete and utter bullshit' like football, dentistry, or dubstep?


Q&A
Would you install a brain microchip into your brain or is that effing weird?
Would you do it if it had an Apple logo on it? (This question explores our relationship with technology and branding as savvy consumers living in the 1st World.)
Do you have kids? If so, how would you rate your situation out of 10, where 10 is 'The Best Thing I Ever Did' and 1 being 'Complete Fucking Disaster'?
I don't know which Sean Connery Bond film is which :-[ You have the 1 with the broad in the white bikini, the 1 with the N64 Goldeneye Odd Job-bro, the Asian 1, and then the 1 with the moon raker. (That 1's called The Moonraker ;-] ) I guess I don't really have a question.

In this post I've been riffing upon my thoughts on children in our post-20 something world.


Remain self aware, y'all.
xx
(2 kisses.)

PARKOUR SEEMS A RELEVANT WAY TO STICK IT TO THE MAN

I was walking through the modern urban environment and saw a group of youths performing the popular teen hobby of parkour. From what I understand, the modern urban environment becomes your playground. You are jumping over a wall of above average height. You are balancing on a rail. You are jumping down stairs, climbing railway property, and refusing to cooperate with police.
You are sticking it to the man / maxed out on your overdraft.
You are free.

Seems like a great outlet to 'blow off steam and effing be yourself'. Let's get real; sometimes the world just doesn't understand you / your situation, so it's great you can round up a group of your core bros and play sillybuggers in a local space. Up until now young white people had so few ways to truly express themselves (marijuana amphetamine bongs, a kickaround in the local leisure centre, reggae music). I'm not a scientist but I guess that's why we never see a black person doing parkour - as they have loads of great activities to participate in already (professional athleticism, the rap game / gang culture / put a cap in a dome, 'protesting about black issues via social media or sharing a poignant think piece'). 
I guess it takes all sorts.


Q&A
Much like the micro scooter meme of 2010, I thought that this situation was done and dusted. (Not really a question.) 
Do your parents / middle manager not understand you / your personal brand? :-[
Shouldn't it be enough that you:
a) Turn up to work on time?
b) Delete your browser history? 
Or do they want something more?
What's the most relevant way to stick it to The Man?
a) Partially shaved haircut situation?
b) Being born rich / dating a poor person combo?
c) Being born poor / dating a rich person combo?
d) Charity fun run?
e) Ambiguous social media profile piccy?
f) Turning up late to work / ignoring deadlines?
g) Living in the woods?
h) MP3s?
Aren't we all just trying to find the most relevant outlet to minimise the stresses of the 1st World, be it starting the mosh pit or getting breast implants?
Just want to ask 1 question really - did anyone play Mirrors Edge?

xx
(2 kisses.)