OH, 2016. WHAT ARE YOU?

Highly trained scientists and unemployed post-grads have concluded that years from now, when we're all old and grey, we'll look back at 2016 as the moment things went wrong. 
Come. Let us reflect:

• Death of popular celebs.
• Irreversible climate change.
• Polar bear decimation / soggy penguin.
• Bee decimation / Colony Collapse Syndrome.
• Whatevs launch of Ecksbawks One and PS4.
• Private space shuttle-bro's space shuttle explodes.
• 'Visionary director' Zack Snyder's Batman Vs Superman.
• 'Mental' North Korean nuclear test Vs UN sanctions.
• The £ dropping off into the Mariana's Trench. 

Really, the only good thing that came out of this year is that Leo got his Oscar (and my cat got the all clear from the vet). So where do we go from here, y'all?

As you're no doubt aware the average iamawaitingyourereading reader (nearly 400k obvs) is savvy enough to just 'switch off from the negative vibrations', spend more time on the internet, and buy more things. That's okay for US but what about THEM? We're all in this together; be that Ryan Shrew from Southampton with +15% body fat or Chun Li from China (?) with the Spinning Bird Kick. We have a responsibility as self-aware content consumers living in the modern urban environment to assist our peers and let them know, "Everything will sort itself out :-] happyface."

To this end I've put together a 5 step plan to remedy the situation. Tell a friend. Then that friend will tell a friend. Then that friend will tell a friend. Then, like ripples in a pond, positive vibes and chillwaves will restore our collective species' situation:

1) Ignore All Issues - Obvs the best way to resolve a problem is to ignore it until it sorts itself out.

2) Derail Think Pieces - Intellectual circle jerks have got us, as a species, nowhere. Best thing to do in these situations is spam all threads with cat .gifs.

3) Get A Cat - From what I understand, cats don't care for many things straight off the bat. If you can convince the cat that it cares for you (or can convince yourself that the cat is convinced) then everything is okay.

4) MP3s - Cultivate a strong MP3 library that represents your personal brand; be that reggae music for minimum wage coffee shop-bros, strong female role model broad MP3, or bleepbloop MP3 from Soundcloud - you just do you.

5) The Universe Is HUGE - The universe is huge. It's all a storm in a tea cup.

Q&A

Are you worried about the future?

Are you 'pretty whatevs' about the future?

Do you remember when David Bowie died and everyone was like, "HOW CN KAYNE WEST STILL B ALIV?!!!" Not really a question, but there was a lot of salt that week.

Would you kill a polar bear to save a polar bear?

Should all political situations, regardless of democracy, just be voted on by peeps who actually understand the situaition?

Clinton or Trump? (Oh Gawd we haven't even got to that yet.)

Are 'next generation' consoles just crap PCs?

Are Apple PCs just expensive PCs (but with better branding / customer support)?

Should DC just sell the rights to Batman to Marvel?

These are great days we're living in. Fast internet. Nice skin care products. Loads of competitive prices on the highstreet. Enjoy it, y'all. Savior it, you all.

We might be fighting over a can of tuna come next year.

xoxox

(kiss hug kiss hug, and then a final kiss.)

THE SORT OF STEVIE NICKS HAT PERSONAL BRAND

From what I understand the Sort of Stevie Nicks Hat personal branding solution is going to be huge this summer, with ASOS selling them by the pallet-load and even miscellaneous crappy high street chains like River Island trying to monetise the situation. So what does this mean for us as self-aware members of the 1st World? Let's reflect:

There's something utterly timeless about Fleetwood Macs and specifically Stevie Nicks. Their MP3s teach us that it's okay to effing be yourself; be that refusing to comb your hair, being chill with extramarital affairs, or simply living in a swamp [via American Horror Story: Coven]. This foundation creates a really sustainable platform to sell products to broads aged 25 - 35 or to bros who can play the guitar okay. The wonderful thing about the Sort of Stevie Nicks Hat personal branding solution is that you can double down on looking mysterious. So many people are going to think that you keep a diary and maybe had a poem published back in the day; or at the very least you've thought about lava lamps at some point or another. 

The thing is that we're all put here for a reason and there's no reason why you can't look redonk sweetums while doing so. 
Sometimes you just need to wander through the modern urban environment sorting through the complex emotions in your head. 
Sometimes you just want to binge watch Netflix. 


Q&A
Will you be co-branding your situation with this situation?
Is felt made from an animal? Mole?
In a drum off between Mick Fleetwood and the bro from My Red Hot Chilli Pepper who would be the most whatevs?
Is the Flatcap Hat personal branding solution sooo 2014?
The great thing about hats is that you can only wear 1 at a time. You can wear like 3 jackets and 10+ bracelets at once, but you really have to commit to a hat. (Not really a question.)

In this post I've been exploring my relationship with fashion as a self-aware member of the 1st World.

xxx
(3 kisses.)

30_SOMETHING: VOTING

(30_SOMETHING is an emotional new feature where we examine our situation as self aware adults IRL.)

-----

From what I understand there are several ways to change the world, ranging from sending a strongly worded email to your local MP to detonating a nuclear device in the modern urban environment [via Call of Duty: Modern Warfare]. In the middle of these 2 extremes is casting your vote in the upcoming election. 

How would y'all rate the probability of y'all voting in the upcoming election, where 1 is 'no effing way' and 10 is 'defo because we're all in this together'?

The average iamawaitingyourereading reader is self aware enough to score between 1 and 3. This is really great news. Unfortunately, casting your vote has become synonymous with Bikram Yoga / gluten free flapjacks in that you're simply trying too hard to curate your personal brand :-[

"We must remain sceptical,
of all political parties.
The best way to solve a problem is to ignore it." - A delicate Haiku / call to arms © 2015

Q&A
What would convince you to vote?
a) Legal requirement [via oppressive South American legislation]?
b) Money? (£5 for your vote. £10 bonus for signing up a friend.)
c) Battle Royale / Hunger Games style deathmatch between political parties?
d) 1 months free council tax?
e) Tangible results?
f) Marvel Vs Labour Vs Conservative crossover?
(The correct answer is b) Money. Check your answer to see how you scored.)
Should there be an age limit (40+) on voting as The Kids clearly don't understand the situation?
Is voting the illusion of choice?
Should both political parties admit that they're 'basically the same thing' and agree to disagree?

Y'all. Our opportunity to make a serious diff is now; we must march on parliament demanding £20 an hour minimum wage, free 4G mobile internets, immediate abolishment of outrageous torrent site blocks, basic human rights / multiple MP3 downloads, no schools, 3 day working week, no builders, no wind, and simultaneous releases on console and PC. We must also have our travel costs to get to London reimbursed within 30 days. 

x
(1 kiss.)

A NEW ROYAL BABY. REJOICE!

All my life I have been waiting for a Royal BB. The pregnancy allows us to become close to the the Royal Family - we're right there with them - welcomed into the inner circle [via promotional buzz]. We're transported from our flaccid existence in minimum wage cotton fields and are invited to live the life of Riley - hobnobbing with Her Majesty the Queen, eating a quails egg with a magic spoon, and demanding sex from post grads. Blessings. Blessings. 

"Rejoice!
For we are dirt,
and a royal bb is growing.
Rejoice!" - Haiku © 2015

I've collected hundreds of newspaper clippings and even though it's early days I already know that this baby is special. I'm feeling pretty sweetums about the situation :-]

This baby has a gravitational pull like a black hole but white; everything is drawn towards it. It's the biggest Old Media event since the last one and the buzz is deafening. 
We must support the Royal Family via whatever means necessary. 
We must show interest, be that doubling our taxes to raise funds for a sweet treehouse or killing ourselves to make the air cleaner. 
We must do our bit. 

Q&A
Even though I've never met him I'm totes ready to die for the new king. You?
Is this rigmarole some construct of the Old Media to shift newspapers? 
I think it'd be really great if we put our heads together and brainstorm a relevant name for the baby. Here's my suggestions to get the ball rolling:
a) King / Queeny
b) The One
c) Diana 2
d) Donkey Kong Jr
e) Platinum
f) Edward / Charles / Victoria / miscellaneous traditional name.
g) Edword / Kharles / Vicky-May / miscellaneous traditional name, but modernised. 
Let me know your cleanest and most relevant suggestions and I'll email my contact at Buckingham Palace.

Really hoping someone rigs up a webcam so I can be inside the room when he's crowning B-]
<3

TOM CRUISE DOES HIS OWN STUNTS.

It's well known that Tom Cruise leads a solitary life. 
His evenings are filled with push ups, strange illuminati rituals, and probs keeping a diary / journal. In many ways he's the sun chasing the moon; he want's Joe public to like him but also has a deep disdain for The Common Man (9-5 hours / -£20'000 salary / +10% body fat).
I am familiar with the following Tom Cruise films:

• Cocktail - A cool man.
• Top Gun - Homosexual undertones / promoting America.
• Interview With The Vampire Man - Not Brad Pitt vampire.
• Minority Report / Oblivion / Live. Die. Repeat - Miscellaneous Sci Fi.
• I Am A Samurai - A cool man. Sex with Asians.
• Valkyrie - Hitler?
• Mission Impossible - Tom Cruise. 

In many of the above ^^^ major motion pictures there are the following themes:

• Seducing misc broads.
• Inconsequential murder of misc extras.
• Dedication to The Way (Sci Fi biz / mysterious biz).
• Being cool [via expositional dialogue / not conforming with The Man).

Feeling really worried about Tom Cruise. For example, I feel he'd be adverse to me calling him 'Big T', or 'T', but he'd be totes onboard with my calling him 'Papa T'. I'd like to hang out with him in the VIP lounge letting him pay for everything.

Anyways, I recently came across some behind the scenes footage / propaganda of him doing some redonk stunts for the new Mission Impossible film. From what I understand he's hanging off a plane - similar to him hanging from the Muslim building circa 2010. Worried. As self aware content consumers living in The 1st World, can we in all honesty trust this promotional material? We're all familiar enough with green screen shenanigans that we can spot an attack ship on fire off the shoulder of Orion as easily as we can spot the ted in Ted. Is he just paying some bro to do this biz for him? In our post-Prometheus world can we really trust any promo material anymore? 

As we previously discussed, Tom Cruise cares little for Average Joe - so why should he court our opinion hmmm?

We, as tech savvy content consumers living in the 1st World, must be sceptical of all art forms - be that a Flash Mob celebrating transgender situations or a cup cake sale promoting the Gaza Strip meme.

Q&A

Does Papa T do his own films or does he just pay some bro to do 'the heavy lifting' [via Kate Moss body double]?

Are flair barmen fucking bullshit [via serve the drink already]?

What's your fav <3 Papa T film?

Is Will Smith an albino Tom Cruise?

I quite liked the Day After Tomorrow / Live. Die. Repeat. (Not really a question.)

Remain self aware, y'all.

xx

(2 kisses.)

FLATCAP HAT PERSONAL BRAND

From what I understand the flatcap personal branding solution is making an organic comeback. You may remember this meme circa 2010-2011, where it was a relevant personal branding solution for the following groups of people:

• Fisherman.
• Tattoo man
• Straight Edge guitar techs.
• Poachers / faux Romanian gypsy chic. 
• Steam Punk alternative personal brand.
• Broads who liked photography.
• Broads who keep a diary.

This list is no means exhaustive, and there may have been other sub-cultures who adopted this trend. Do y'all remember the Edge from the popular stadium band U2?

Seems like he could've afforded hair plugs / a better hat, but maybe it was a poor decision made by his marketing team or he saw it on TV somewhere? I guess we'll never truly know the answer in our post-U2-free-album-backlash world. 

Isn't it funny how fashion goes in swings and roundabouts? What was last seasons darling trend is this seasons amateur hour.

In this post I've been exploring my relationship with personal branding in the modern urban environment. 

Q&A

Would you describe yourself as an early adopter or a late adopter? I'd probs describe myself as a medium adopter; although I'm not adverse to the idea of wearing disco pants (for him) I'd most likely hold off buying some until 3-5 of my core bros had committed to the situation 1st.

Have you ever considered the Straight Edge personal brand, or is that mostly for people who 'go completely effing mental after 2-3 drinks' / people trying too hard?

What's the most relevant accessory in your wardrobe?

What's the least relevant? (Bonus question.)
Do you embrace new / current / returning trends or violently reject their teachings?

Please remain open-minded when creating / maintaining your personal brand, but also be ready to immediately throw someone under the bus when they make a poor decision. (Metaphor.) 

LERN 2 INTERNET: TORRENT SITE PROXIES

If you’re anything like me then you’ll defo have your eyes on this Autumns hottest digital releases. If you're anything like me then, unfortunately, you’ll have no intention of paying for them. As we’ve discussed several times before internet piracy truly is a victimless crime, delivering tons of content onto our storage devices via satellites and wires. Come, let’s reflect:

• Forces the content creator to release only their most relevant content. Gone are the days of nurturing / supporting the artist. We demand 1-3 products immediately, offering payment only in exchange for a show within a manageable distance and monetary reward on our terms. 
• Conservation. As y’all know, we only have 1 planet and have to do anything we can to protect it from negative vibes and pollution; from studying a local bee population to dropping an atom bomb on India if they fail to meet their greenhouse gas emission targets. Internet piracy saves the rainforests as digital distribution platforms do away with traditional packaging. 
• Balances the equation of life. Obviously The Man is constantly trying to keep us down :-[ (Council tax, VAT 20%, not policing simple carbohydrate ready meal availability, minimum wage sillybuggers, and an effing redonk understaffed NHS.)  In order to bring the situation back into balance we must illegally download content to boost our morale.

Accepting all of this as truth we have to do whatever we can to circumvent torrent site blocks. We owe it to ourselves. Here’s some proxy addresses:

Kick Ass Torrents
Pirate Bay
YTS


Q&A
Is VAT ‘complete fucking bullshit’?
How many gigabytes of content to you illegally download a week?
a) 1?
b) 10? 
c) “I honestly have no idea. Like 50+?”
Have you ever received a passive aggressive cease and desist letter from your ISP? 
Do you download content ‘to try it out first & then if I like it, I buy it’ or is that simply untrue?

xxx
(3 kisses.)