YOU'RE WORLD: I AM WORKING AT HMV

(YOU'RE WORLD is an astonishing feature where iam___ readers who need our help write in and tell us about themselves. Let's see what this week's situation is, hmmm?)

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I Am Working At HMV

Music is my life. 
I have been in several bands but unfortunately I have been unable to monetise the situation due to an over-saturation in our MP3 economy / The Galactic Economic Downturn. (Obvs I continue to DJ. Weddings. Pubs. I will work for free, however I would prefer to work for money as I am very heavily overdrawn :-[ sadface.)

Do you remember HMV (circa 2005)?
Great days.
The music-themed bric-a-brac store has been a very relevant presence in the highstreet for many years now, selling primitive physical MP3s such as CDs and vinyl technology. Poorly printed Gildan T Shirts. Well, we try to sell them. It does not happen often. I applied for a job at my local independent record store but unfortunately they were not hiring [via bankruptcy].
Music is my life.

I am replenishing the stock. No, nothing has been sold, I am just moving stuff around. 
Keeping busy.
Keeping warm.
I am advising middle-aged white bros about MP3s. "Have you heard of Arcade On Fire?" "Merriweather Post Pavilion is 9 years old now." "No, we do not sell pornography."
I am processing a refund.
I am promoting my band.
I am watching the clock.

"Would you like to come and see my band? We are playing a gig this weekend. Here; this is our Bandcamp." (You never know who is going to be in the audience. It could be my big break.)
I am on my lunch break. Might leave some fliers in Subway. For my gig.
I am asking my parents for £££.

Music is my life. 
Fuck.  

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'Jeezlouise'. 
What do you recommend this rigmarole do?

Change jobs?
Upload some content to YouTube?
Please offer only your most sage and constructive advice and please, for the love of God, no internet trollers.

xx
(2 kisses.)

BUILDERS

As you're no doubt aware builders are a bunch of dingdongs. Whether it's playing sillybuggers outside a Weatherspoons when the sun's gone down or singing along to a Kasabian song when the scaffolding's gone up, they're absolutely disgusting creatures. Hello and yes welcome back.

As 2018 starts to gain traction we need to address the elephant in the room; we as a species have loads of buildings so do we as a species still need builders? My sources (Number 10 Downing Street, actually) report that it's all some wonky pyramid scheme to keep riffraff off the streets. As long as they're 30' up in the air then they can't interfere with decent folk in the Modern Urban Environment. 

In our post hashtagMeToo world we need to constantly be on the lookout for sexual shenanigans / rape. You don't need to look far; they are mostly perched atop scaffolding like rapey gargoyles. Disgusting.


Q&A
a) Is listening to the radio for poor people?
b) Why are there no female builders?
c) One time I had a female taxi driver and I was amaze. (Not really a question.)
d) I've had a builder dicking around painting my hallway for like a year now. He finished up yesterday but he is very lazy / not a very good builder. (Not really a question.)
e) Should Mate Rock Pop (Kasabian, The Automatic, The Streets Rap Man, Rag + Bone Man) be condemned by the international community and subject to severe UN sanctions?

At the start of this post I was feeling like, "Fuck builders."

Nothing has changed.

x
(1 kiss.)
  

SUPERHERO MOVIE SATURATION :-[

Hello and yes welcome let's get down to business hmmm? From what I understand, there are more Superhero movies than there are stars in the sky. There are more Superhero movies than there are Deliveroo drivers delivering their precious cargo of high carbohydrate / low nutrition meals to basement flats throughout the modern urban environment.

Eff Cinematic Universes and eff Deliveroo. Yup. That about wraps this post up thanks for reading and see y'all next time.  

Another beautiful truth.
Another excellent post.

A ROYAL ENGAGEMENT. REJOICE!

As you're no doubt aware, at iam___ we are so excited about any situation involving the Royal Family. They are amazing and we are filth. They are so amazing and we are so filthy that sometimes I can't even look at myself in the mirror and just want to die. 
I penned this delicate and vulnerable Haiku. 
Come. Let us reflect:

"Royal.
What does it mean to me?
I wish I had lived in a Royal Womb,
for 9 clean months." - Haiku © 2017. Please Like and Share.

Rejoice! The time has come! Stop smearing your own shit on the wall and pay attention listen up, dumbdumbs! We are dirty, dirty pigs eating slop! 

Yes, that's right, William has decided to marry. The most eligible bachelor in all of Narnia has decided to choose his queen. She is not Caucasian but that's okay in our post-Scarlett Johansson is Master Chief in Ghost in the Shell world. Not sure why everyone's bringing race into this as we are all basically equal (apart from Poland obviously). 
Shame. Shame.

Really feel that this could be the turning point in our collective situation as a species and steer us clear of the Intergalactic Economic Downturn.

Really feel that _____.

Really feel that Harry might settle down and stop playing sillybuggers, and maybe get a job, and stop playing sillybuggers. 

Old Media reported that he (Harry) was 'in the military' but my sources at Buckingham Place stated that's a load of old codswallop. I completed Halo 3 on Legendary Mode so I've seen some serious shit so I know what's up; he was probs a hundred miles away from combat dicking around on Skype, the effing dingdong. 
(That text ^^^^ is fact but the following text is unsubstantiated >>>> I also think that he pressured low-ranking female soldiers into sexual shenanigans. Nothing rapey but defo a lot of pressure. I am aghast. Really bad form, man.)


Q&A
a) Are you interested in this engagement?
b) Are you disinterested in this engagement?
c) (I'm not sure who his fiancé is so I'm going to call her Rebecca) but Rebecca seems a lot prettier than he is so do you think that they'd be engaged if he was like middle management at PC World? (This question is rhetorical.)
d) Does this engagement make you raise your scruffy serf head from the minimum wage cotton fields and say, "Yes! Yes, this is amazing! Rejoice!" or are you pretty whatevs about the situation. (This question is rhetorical.)
e) (_____ self-aware commentary on the Class System.)

At the start of this post I was feeling like 'I don't give a rats ass' about the Royal engagement but now I'm thoroughly behind it. I'm going to put £1 a week to 1 side so that I can contribute because that's all I can do. 
Might buy them some nice flowers for the Reception. 
Might buy them some pigs in blankets for the buffet.

If you don't do your bit or show your support then you are a dog. You are a stinky rat. 
As soon as my fingers have keyed in the last character of this beautiful truth I'm going to head to my bank, withdraw everything, and gift half to the Royal Wedding it is so important and I am filth. 

<3 William
<3 Rebecca

I think THINK she's in some straight to DVD / streaming series so maybe we'll see Prince Harry do some inorganic cameo biz. Those chandeliers aren't going to pay for themselves, y'all. 

In this post I've been exploring my relationship with the Royal Fam.

xx
(2 kisses.)

THE ADULT MICRO SCOOTER QUESTION

As you're no doubt aware we're living the end of days. Russian shenanigans. Korean Peninsular nuclear boogaloo. Brexit. Trump. As self-aware content consumers there's only so much we can do. Sure, we can have a charity cupcake sale to raise awareness for transgender stuff but we need to keep things in perspective. Have you seen an adult (25+) using a micro scooter?

There's a certain childlike naiveté about an adult (25+) using a micro scooter; similar to the white man who enjoys the reggae jam or some dingdong queuing up for a fancypants iPhone / Supreme clothing release.  

Whether it's wanting to get in touch with their inner child (_____ clever Hollywood sex scandal observation) or just a need to effing stick it to The Man we can never truly trust these individuals. What drives them? Should we (as responsible adults (25+) living in the modern urban environment) flag them down and stage an intervention? It's hard, y'all. 

Whereas everyone has the right to curate their own personal brand, if it's straight up fucking wrong, don't we have a responsibility to intervene? Sort of like some bro with a twiddly moustache. 

From what I understand, the government is going to try and make people using those flying drone things go on some mandatory training course. Obviously this is a complete waste of time / resources. Would the time be better spent regulating adults' access to micro scooters or creating some list of adults who own them? I'm absolutely furious with these characters and will be writing a strongly worded email. Might even start a petition on change.org as 1'000 signatures has the same power as 10 Tomahawk Missiles. We can make a diff!


Q&A
a) Are you adult micro scooter?
b) Sometimes at work I see this frumpy-looking broad riding a micro scooter and she has 2 kids with her also riding a micro scooter. The kids have a real dead look in their eyes - sort of like a war veteran. (Not really a question.)
c) What do you think the best Call of Duty was? I think CoD 4: Modern Warfare but then Modern Warfare 2 was also pretty sweetums.
d) Realistically, should we also question the motivations of a grown up still dicking around with skateboards?
e) What aspect of your own personal branding solution could do with a tweak? 

There's a shop that sells 'pro micro scooters' but that's an oxymoron like Tesco Finest.

Going forward into 2018 I'm planning to violently attack anyone utilising a micro scooter in the modern urban environment. (Might expand upon this initiative to include children throwing those snap popper things that go bang on the floor.) I believe the time for moderation has passed. We must act NOW!

:-] happyface

OH, 2016. WHAT ARE YOU?

Highly trained scientists and unemployed post-grads have concluded that years from now, when we're all old and grey, we'll look back at 2016 as the moment things went wrong. 
Come. Let us reflect:

• Death of popular celebs.
• Irreversible climate change.
• Polar bear decimation / soggy penguin.
• Bee decimation / Colony Collapse Syndrome.
• Whatevs launch of Ecksbawks One and PS4.
• Private space shuttle-bro's space shuttle explodes.
• 'Visionary director' Zack Snyder's Batman Vs Superman.
• 'Mental' North Korean nuclear test Vs UN sanctions.
• The £ dropping off into the Mariana's Trench. 

Really, the only good thing that came out of this year is that Leo got his Oscar (and my cat got the all clear from the vet). So where do we go from here, y'all?

As you're no doubt aware the average iamawaitingyourereading reader (nearly 400k obvs) is savvy enough to just 'switch off from the negative vibrations', spend more time on the internet, and buy more things. That's okay for US but what about THEM? We're all in this together; be that Ryan Shrew from Southampton with +15% body fat or Chun Li from China (?) with the Spinning Bird Kick. We have a responsibility as self-aware content consumers living in the modern urban environment to assist our peers and let them know, "Everything will sort itself out :-] happyface."

To this end I've put together a 5 step plan to remedy the situation. Tell a friend. Then that friend will tell a friend. Then that friend will tell a friend. Then, like ripples in a pond, positive vibes and chillwaves will restore our collective species' situation:

1) Ignore All Issues - Obvs the best way to resolve a problem is to ignore it until it sorts itself out.

2) Derail Think Pieces - Intellectual circle jerks have got us, as a species, nowhere. Best thing to do in these situations is spam all threads with cat .gifs.

3) Get A Cat - From what I understand, cats don't care for many things straight off the bat. If you can convince the cat that it cares for you (or can convince yourself that the cat is convinced) then everything is okay.

4) MP3s - Cultivate a strong MP3 library that represents your personal brand; be that reggae music for minimum wage coffee shop-bros, strong female role model broad MP3, or bleepbloop MP3 from Soundcloud - you just do you.

5) The Universe Is HUGE - The universe is huge. It's all a storm in a tea cup.

Q&A

Are you worried about the future?

Are you 'pretty whatevs' about the future?

Do you remember when David Bowie died and everyone was like, "HOW CN KAYNE WEST STILL B ALIV?!!!" Not really a question, but there was a lot of salt that week.

Would you kill a polar bear to save a polar bear?

Should all political situations, regardless of democracy, just be voted on by peeps who actually understand the situaition?

Clinton or Trump? (Oh Gawd we haven't even got to that yet.)

Are 'next generation' consoles just crap PCs?

Are Apple PCs just expensive PCs (but with better branding / customer support)?

Should DC just sell the rights to Batman to Marvel?

These are great days we're living in. Fast internet. Nice skin care products. Loads of competitive prices on the highstreet. Enjoy it, y'all. Savior it, you all.

We might be fighting over a can of tuna come next year.

xoxox

(kiss hug kiss hug, and then a final kiss.)

THE SORT OF STEVIE NICKS HAT PERSONAL BRAND

From what I understand the Sort of Stevie Nicks Hat personal branding solution is going to be huge this summer, with ASOS selling them by the pallet-load and even miscellaneous crappy high street chains like River Island trying to monetise the situation. So what does this mean for us as self-aware members of the 1st World? Let's reflect:

There's something utterly timeless about Fleetwood Macs and specifically Stevie Nicks. Their MP3s teach us that it's okay to effing be yourself; be that refusing to comb your hair, being chill with extramarital affairs, or simply living in a swamp [via American Horror Story: Coven]. This foundation creates a really sustainable platform to sell products to broads aged 25 - 35 or to bros who can play the guitar okay. The wonderful thing about the Sort of Stevie Nicks Hat personal branding solution is that you can double down on looking mysterious. So many people are going to think that you keep a diary and maybe had a poem published back in the day; or at the very least you've thought about lava lamps at some point or another. 

The thing is that we're all put here for a reason and there's no reason why you can't look redonk sweetums while doing so. 
Sometimes you just need to wander through the modern urban environment sorting through the complex emotions in your head. 
Sometimes you just want to binge watch Netflix. 


Q&A
Will you be co-branding your situation with this situation?
Is felt made from an animal? Mole?
In a drum off between Mick Fleetwood and the bro from My Red Hot Chilli Pepper who would be the most whatevs?
Is the Flatcap Hat personal branding solution sooo 2014?
The great thing about hats is that you can only wear 1 at a time. You can wear like 3 jackets and 10+ bracelets at once, but you really have to commit to a hat. (Not really a question.)

In this post I've been exploring my relationship with fashion as a self-aware member of the 1st World.

xxx
(3 kisses.)