IT IS TIME TO PROTECT THE PLANET, Y'ALL 😧😧

Enough is enough. Our planet is dying and we must change our behaviour immediately. 

At first I was like 'whatevs', but then some goofus had a cardboard sign reading 'THERE IS NO PLANET-B' and I was like 'wow'. I get it now. 

What really saddens me is we've been here before. It seems like only yesterday this blog was trying to warn everyone the dangers of climate change with this elegant and clean post. Unfortunately, world leaders are not self-aware nor relevant enough to read snarky blogspots, so we are where we are :-[ sadface.

Let's get real. Top scientists have come up with a series of suggestions and you must pick at least 2 to adopt into your daily life immediately:

Renewable energy.

Cop 26 circlejerk/photo opportunity.

Primitive Skype message from the queen (you look good, bb!)

Cardboard sign.

Detonating a nuclear device over India/crappy miscellaneous brown country to force a reduction in fossil fuel consumption. 

You cannot eat _____.

Wear a jumper [via global warming]

Wear a nice hat [via global cooling]

Glue yourself to a road.

Glue yourself to someone glued to a road.

Glue yourself to someone who is glued to someone glued to a road.

I will NOT be responsible for the decimation of our amazing planet >:-[ angryface 😒😒

As soon as I have finished this post I will be throwing my computer into the sea, donating all my stuff to Africa, and I will go and live a net zero existence in a field somewhere. I will survive on a diet of soy and grass and I will also do the yoga. 

Fuck the top 1%! Fuck cars!

HOME ALONE: HOW DO THE McALLISTER'S HAVE SO MUCH $$$ MONEY?

Since the creation of the internet utilising the amazing powers of AOL free trial CDs and crappy 56k modems the internet has answered many questions. 

Come. Let us reflect:

• What is the colour of the thing?
• Why does my cat lick me?
• Why is Zooey Deschanel?
• What did Keven McAllister's dad do to afford this biz?

As part of this blog's outstanding commitment to outstanding investigate journalism I am investigating this hot-button topic immediately.

I saw the above meme ^^^ posted a couple of days ago and was like, "Yeah okay."

There's so much content to sift through in our amazing 1st World that sometimes it's in one ear and out the other. 

Then someone commented that it's actually Mrs McAllister and not Mr McAllister making that 'effing redonk bank'.

😮😮

At first I violently rejected their comment; how can a woman make more money than a man? It's straight up crazy talk. I deployed the passive-aggressive-laughing-boi emoji as if I were dropping The Fat Man atomic nuclear device on Nagasaki. 

But it stuck with me, y'all...

It is the festive season and I am watching the major motion picture Home Alone.
Let us get to the bottom of the McAllister's financial situation, hmmm?

MR McALLISTER: AN INVESTIGATION

Firstly, Mr McAllister looks like 'a fucking bum' 😒😒:

He is wearing a crappy $15 shirt from some shitty miscellaneous big box store. 

He is also sporting the painted-on smile of a man who has made poor life choices. 

Unfortunately, his brother is also very poor. 😕😕

MRS McALLISTER: AN INVESTIGATION

Meanwhile, Mrs McAllister looks straight up sweetums, bb 😃😃:

It's also very telling to this author that Mrs McAllister not only settles the bill with the pizza delivery bro, she also takes the time to 'shoot the shit' with this random minimum wage dingdong. Mrs McAllister has the comfortable demeanour of a successful person who is 'willing to listen to the little people but ultimately does not care'.

Subtle undertones of a relationship where the power balance is heavily skewed. 

Mrs McAllister also mentions that the whole trip to Paris shindig is because her husband has been transferred or something. 

Sort of feel like big important businessmen (specialising in business) don't get transferred - they go where they want to go. 

He has not been promoted. He has been transferred.

It's a bit like your other half is 'working' in some 'utterly bullshit industry' (Etsy / notonthehighstreet.org / something to do with decoupage) that constantly runs at a loss, and you're paying to keep it afloat, but if it keeps your other half happy - whatevs.

Also, see David Beckham funding Victoria Beckham's 'fancypants clothing range'. 
Anything for a quiet life.

THE McALLISTERS: CONCLUSION

Accepting all of this as truth, I speculate that Mrs McAllister runs some high-end clothing company; that's why the house is filled with mannequins.

At the start of this post it seemed 'impossible' that she was the provider of the family's vast wealth, but that is why we investigate this stuff:

To learn. 

To LOL.

Let's have a VERY BRIEF Q&A.

Q&A

Are you the 'dead weight' in your relationship, hoping your partner pays for _____?

If you had a blank cheque from your very wealthy other half, what 'fucking bullshit' business venture would you start with 0 consequence should it fail?

a) Stained glass windows?

b) Yoga for pets?

c) Oh wow like LEGO Technic limbs for broken pets? 😮😮

d) Plants?

e) 1st World Christmas tree decorations made out of 3rd World bullets / mines?
f) Expensive pasta. £100 for 100g. It is multi-coloured.

Christmas truly is the most magical time of the year. 

Thank you, clean Caucasian Jesus. <3 <3

UK POLITICS: LET'S LEARN ABOUT PRITI PATEL 🤔🤔

I was watching Priti Patel ride-along with a police raid like 3 months ago. It was dark so I'm guessing it was quite early in the morning and the operation was going down deep in the Modern Urban Environment / 'miscellaneous crappy inner city area' where her crew were going to seriously bust up some County Lines drug biz. 

Priti was All Ghillied Up in a bullet-proof vest and flanked by loads of her police bois. They were equipped with tactical gear, cool hats, guns, and the round tube hammer thing they use to breach doors. A reporter questioned one of the police, insinuating that the whole thing was some bullshit press photo-op. 

"No way, man, Priti's legit," the police replied. (I'm paraphrasing.) "I've had previous Secretary of State's come on a raid just once in their entire term. That's a photo-op. Priti's been on 5 this year. She just loves fucking shit up."

Priti Patel seems like a pretty chill bro. I was watching an interview with her yesterday where she was asked what her plans were over Christmas. Is she onboard with Boris' 5 Day Festive Period Twat-Around? Will she be seeing her family? 

"I will be on call," she said. "I will also be visiting my police bois on the front-line because crime never sleeps and neither does The Prit. Once my duties are done I will be having a small family gathering with my core peeps." 

Seems kind of decent of her. 

She's also been called out for bullying in the workplace, to which she offered no excuse. "Yeah I bully a motherfucker - so what? Don't be a dweeb." 
Most people would've resigned but Priti Patel is like, "No."

Wikipedia states that she is:

• Down with getting rid of the smoking ban. 😀😀
• Cool with capital punishment. 😮😮
• Not cool with gay marriage. 😕😕
• Not cool with Extinction Rebellion. 🐢👎
• Not cool with BLM.  ✊🏿👎

There's also some stuff about Israel, but unfortunately I do not understand the situation nor am I willing to learn.

At the start of this post I thought Priti Patel seemed like a pretty chill bro; what's not to like about a 4'4" woman straight up busting heads for the lols? Unfortunately, during my investigations I have learned that she is 'a bit mental' and this blog will not be endorsing her for any situations nor for any future co-branding opportunities and that decision is absolutely final, y'all. 

You dun goofed, Patel. You dun goofed. 

Q&A
What would you do if The Prit smashed your door / face in?
I think a cool catchphrase for her post-arrest could be, "You're pretty fucked now, hey?" (Not really a question.)

I think she has a right potty-mouth but I'm not really basing that on anything. (Not really a question.)
If you were being bullied in the workplace would you:
a) Complain to middle management?
b) Lock yourself in the toilet and 'hope that it will all go away'?
c) Take time off for emotional distress / get free money?
d) Rap battle [via 8 Mile factory lunch break scene]?

Should I re-open negotiations for exciting co-branding opportunities between Priti and iamawaingyourereading? I was thinking about a cool suit made out of words. Or a biscuit tin.

I have composed this delicate and vulnerable Haiku now:

Priti.

Petite warrior princess.

Draped in your armour of a nice suit,

and military assault vest.

iamawaitingyourereading © 2020

PROTECT THE PLANET, Y'ALL

From what I understand our planet is fucked :-[ sadface

Come. Let us reflect:

• Redonk Greenhouse Gas emissions
• Unchill polar ice caps
• Decline of popular animals (tiger cat, elephant etc)
• Decline of 'crap' animals (wasp)
• Failure of government to take the situation seriously

I am v worried. I am v furious.

To this end we're starting an amazing and cool new charity called 'EFF POLLUTION'. It'll be in ALL CAPS because, as everyone knows, caps lock is cruise control for cool B-]

Now, there's several things that you can do as a self-aware content consumer in the 1st World and savvy reader of iam_____. 
We need someone to design a logo. Unfortunately, this exciting opportunity will be unpaid, but we can offer you 10 exposure and obviously it'll look amazing on your portfolio; possibly leading to further exciting opportunities at BuzzFeed / primitive printed media outlet. (This will also be unpaid.)

We also need a rad tagline; something that The Kids can really get behind. We've been riffing on some ideas at the office and we think that we've narrowed it down to some really punchy options. Here are the options now:

EFF POLLUTION

Save the polar bears. Kill yourself.

EFF POLLUTION

The future is in the future.

EFF POLLUTION

Plastic bag? No thanks, bb!

Cut Greenhouse Gas emissions. Nuke Punjab.

If you think everything will be okay please think again, idiot.

Stop deforestation. Trees are people too.


Q&A
Do you care about the planet?
Do you not care about the planet?
Sometimes I see these doods protesting about climate change and they just seem straight up annoying, so I regularly leave my flat with the central heating turned up all the way to the max and I also leave all the windows open :-] (Not really a question.)

The time for moderate protest / peaceful cupcake sale is over. We, as a species, must lower our carbon footprint via any means necessary - be that by limiting our consumption of red meat or by simply combining the entire resources of the entire planet into one great big huge milkshake and throwing it at The Man.
Absolutely very livid right now and I will be sending a very strongly worded email to my local MP.

Furious right now >:-[ but I've taken the time to compose myself and compose this delicate Haiku.

World.
We only have 1 world.
Please recycle your _____.
iamawaitingyourereading © 2019

POLICE COMMUNITY SUPPORT OFFICERS

Y'all. My team and I had literally dozens of emails after our last explosive post of cutting edge journalism investigating those mixed up kids doing wheelies on their bikes. 

Call them punks. 

Call them dweebs.

Call the police?

Obvs 111 casual emergency services, or @sussex_police Twitter tag thing, or direct dialling your local police station is a 'complete fucking waste of time' so all expedited reports must flow via 999 emergency services. It could be dialling in a very serious act of terrorism or just complaining about some tramp who is looking very suspicious. You can also dial 999 to report a group of miscellaneous teenagers you don't like the look of; just sex it up a bit and state that they're 'dealing marijuana amphetamine' or about to start a fight and you should have a police-branded vehicle upon your location in a couple of mins :-] happyface

Anyways, some Community Support Police Officer bro was tremendously vocal with his criticism on our last post and here is his feedback:

----- 

I always wanted to be a policeman.

My peers at primary school always wanted to be an astronaut / cowboy but I wanted to serve my community. To make a diff.

I have trained very hard. Half marathons? No probs. 

I consistently deliver a 10min mile. Even with a full-kit of nice hat & pepper spray I can clear a mile in 9mins.

My son asks me if I am a hero.

"No, son," I reply. "I am not a hero. Just a bro. Trainee police. A Community Support Officer."

(He looks disappoint.)

I trained so hard! But hold up something is wrong.

:-[ sadface

At this point in my career I'd been jerking off in the male man cubicle religiously every Tues and Thurs, but now they have these transgender sexless toilets so I just masturbate all over the place and 'hope for the best'.

Once I graduated from policeman school I realised that I'd 'made some very poor life-choices'.

There is no £££ here. 

Fuck.

After years of austerity under _____ government there was no bank.

My exe wife keeps pestering me for £££, and I have told her like 10 times to back off, but bitch keeps on phoning. How can I pay Child Support when my fridge is empty? You dirty whore. I have a half of yesterday's carbonara and some Darylea Jumbo Tubes.

My first day on the job I was liek OMG, but now things are pretty sweetums.

I answer the telephone.

Theft. No thank you.

Miscellaneous disturbance. Please hold.

Unless someone's legit about to be murdered I mostly just chill in the office all day, dicking around on Facebook and spinning around on my rad posture correction chair. Man, I only leave the station to 'grab a bite' or to play Pokémon Go. (Gotta catch 'em all, bb!)

I always wanted to be a policeman.

-----

Well I feel a lot more chill about the situation after that transcript. Let's do a brief Q&A to round this post off hmmm?

Q&A

Are you police?

I'm really wondering for real one time if these Community Support Officers are being paid, or if it's some BS Pyramid Scheme, where exposure / 'this'll look great on your CV' shenanigans is going down. Worried.

Should our UK police be armed?

a) gun

b) taser

c) tactical nuclear device

xx

(2 kisses.)

THE SORT OF STEVIE NICKS HAT PERSONAL BRAND

From what I understand the Sort of Stevie Nicks Hat personal branding solution is going to be huge this summer, with ASOS selling them by the pallet-load and even miscellaneous crappy high street chains like River Island trying to monetise the situation. So what does this mean for us as self-aware members of the 1st World? Let's reflect:

There's something utterly timeless about Fleetwood Macs and specifically Stevie Nicks. Their MP3s teach us that it's okay to effing be yourself; be that refusing to comb your hair, being chill with extramarital affairs, or simply living in a swamp [via American Horror Story: Coven]. This foundation creates a really sustainable platform to sell products to broads aged 25 - 35 or to bros who can play the guitar okay. The wonderful thing about the Sort of Stevie Nicks Hat personal branding solution is that you can double down on looking mysterious. So many people are going to think that you keep a diary and maybe had a poem published back in the day; or at the very least you've thought about lava lamps at some point or another. 

The thing is that we're all put here for a reason and there's no reason why you can't look redonk sweetums while doing so. 
Sometimes you just need to wander through the modern urban environment sorting through the complex emotions in your head. 
Sometimes you just want to binge watch Netflix. 


Q&A
Will you be co-branding your situation with this situation?
Is felt made from an animal? Mole?
In a drum off between Mick Fleetwood and the bro from My Red Hot Chilli Pepper who would be the most whatevs?
Is the Flatcap Hat personal branding solution sooo 2014?
The great thing about hats is that you can only wear 1 at a time. You can wear like 3 jackets and 10+ bracelets at once, but you really have to commit to a hat. (Not really a question.)

In this post I've been exploring my relationship with fashion as a self-aware member of the 1st World.

xxx
(3 kisses.)

30_SOMETHING: VOTING

(30_SOMETHING is an emotional new feature where we examine our situation as self aware adults IRL.)

-----

From what I understand there are several ways to change the world, ranging from sending a strongly worded email to your local MP to detonating a nuclear device in the modern urban environment [via Call of Duty: Modern Warfare]. In the middle of these 2 extremes is casting your vote in the upcoming election. 

How would y'all rate the probability of y'all voting in the upcoming election, where 1 is 'no effing way' and 10 is 'defo because we're all in this together'?

The average iamawaitingyourereading reader is self aware enough to score between 1 and 3. This is really great news. Unfortunately, casting your vote has become synonymous with Bikram Yoga / gluten free flapjacks in that you're simply trying too hard to curate your personal brand :-[

"We must remain sceptical,
of all political parties.
The best way to solve a problem is to ignore it." - A delicate Haiku / call to arms © 2015

Q&A
What would convince you to vote?
a) Legal requirement [via oppressive South American legislation]?
b) Money? (£5 for your vote. £10 bonus for signing up a friend.)
c) Battle Royale / Hunger Games style deathmatch between political parties?
d) 1 months free council tax?
e) Tangible results?
f) Marvel Vs Labour Vs Conservative crossover?
(The correct answer is b) Money. Check your answer to see how you scored.)
Should there be an age limit (40+) on voting as The Kids clearly don't understand the situation?
Is voting the illusion of choice?
Should both political parties admit that they're 'basically the same thing' and agree to disagree?

Y'all. Our opportunity to make a serious diff is now; we must march on parliament demanding £20 an hour minimum wage, free 4G mobile internets, immediate abolishment of outrageous torrent site blocks, basic human rights / multiple MP3 downloads, no schools, 3 day working week, no builders, no wind, and simultaneous releases on console and PC. We must also have our travel costs to get to London reimbursed within 30 days. 

x
(1 kiss.)

A NEW ROYAL BABY. REJOICE!

All my life I have been waiting for a Royal BB. The pregnancy allows us to become close to the the Royal Family - we're right there with them - welcomed into the inner circle [via promotional buzz]. We're transported from our flaccid existence in minimum wage cotton fields and are invited to live the life of Riley - hobnobbing with Her Majesty the Queen, eating a quails egg with a magic spoon, and demanding sex from post grads. Blessings. Blessings. 

"Rejoice!
For we are dirt,
and a royal bb is growing.
Rejoice!" - Haiku © 2015

I've collected hundreds of newspaper clippings and even though it's early days I already know that this baby is special. I'm feeling pretty sweetums about the situation :-]

This baby has a gravitational pull like a black hole but white; everything is drawn towards it. It's the biggest Old Media event since the last one and the buzz is deafening. 
We must support the Royal Family via whatever means necessary. 
We must show interest, be that doubling our taxes to raise funds for a sweet treehouse or killing ourselves to make the air cleaner. 
We must do our bit. 

Q&A
Even though I've never met him I'm totes ready to die for the new king. You?
Is this rigmarole some construct of the Old Media to shift newspapers? 
I think it'd be really great if we put our heads together and brainstorm a relevant name for the baby. Here's my suggestions to get the ball rolling:
a) King / Queeny
b) The One
c) Diana 2
d) Donkey Kong Jr
e) Platinum
f) Edward / Charles / Victoria / miscellaneous traditional name.
g) Edword / Kharles / Vicky-May / miscellaneous traditional name, but modernised. 
Let me know your cleanest and most relevant suggestions and I'll email my contact at Buckingham Palace.

Really hoping someone rigs up a webcam so I can be inside the room when he's crowning B-]
<3

PARKOUR SEEMS A RELEVANT WAY TO STICK IT TO THE MAN

I was walking through the modern urban environment and saw a group of youths performing the popular teen hobby of parkour. From what I understand, the modern urban environment becomes your playground. You are jumping over a wall of above average height. You are balancing on a rail. You are jumping down stairs, climbing railway property, and refusing to cooperate with police.
You are sticking it to the man / maxed out on your overdraft.
You are free.

Seems like a great outlet to 'blow off steam and effing be yourself'. Let's get real; sometimes the world just doesn't understand you / your situation, so it's great you can round up a group of your core bros and play sillybuggers in a local space. Up until now young white people had so few ways to truly express themselves (marijuana amphetamine bongs, a kickaround in the local leisure centre, reggae music). I'm not a scientist but I guess that's why we never see a black person doing parkour - as they have loads of great activities to participate in already (professional athleticism, the rap game / gang culture / put a cap in a dome, 'protesting about black issues via social media or sharing a poignant think piece'). 
I guess it takes all sorts.


Q&A
Much like the micro scooter meme of 2010, I thought that this situation was done and dusted. (Not really a question.) 
Do your parents / middle manager not understand you / your personal brand? :-[
Shouldn't it be enough that you:
a) Turn up to work on time?
b) Delete your browser history? 
Or do they want something more?
What's the most relevant way to stick it to The Man?
a) Partially shaved haircut situation?
b) Being born rich / dating a poor person combo?
c) Being born poor / dating a rich person combo?
d) Charity fun run?
e) Ambiguous social media profile piccy?
f) Turning up late to work / ignoring deadlines?
g) Living in the woods?
h) MP3s?
Aren't we all just trying to find the most relevant outlet to minimise the stresses of the 1st World, be it starting the mosh pit or getting breast implants?
Just want to ask 1 question really - did anyone play Mirrors Edge?

xx
(2 kisses.)

SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE SITUATION

Thousands of years after the events of Braveheart I'm so glad that we're finally at peace with Scotland. Y'all can buzz about it all you want, but unfortunately the reality of the situation is that no one really cared enough about it 
:-[ sadface. It's such a shame because iamawaitingyourereading was running a competition for exceptional young people to design the new Scottish flag. The winner would've received 10 iam___ points, which could've been exchanged for cool prizes from our Etsy shop:

• An exciting product from the Owl Economy. 
• A DVD of the Muslim propaganda film, Life of Pi.
• 6 months of Zumba classes to remove that stubborn belly fat.
• Extra internets. 

Thank eff that we don't have to sort through the dozens of entries for a winner now - but let's look at some of the best entries we received, hmmm?

Traditional Tartan Flag

This one seemed to be a front-runner from day 1. It's synonymous with the kilt and it's featured heavily in the films Highlander and the film by Pixar.

Lochness Monster Flag

The Lochness Monster Economy raises literally hundreds of pounds every quarter. Although science seems pretty whatevs about the situation, dismissing it as a load of old codswollop, die hard fans continue to believe. 

Pork Pie Flag

Savoury snacks are also big business in Scotland. This flag celebrates authentic Scottish food in a clean and elegant way.





Q&A
Do you know anyone / are you someone from Scotland? 
Will this 'No' vote create negative vibes throughout Britain?
With the availability of cheap broadband is geographical location becoming more and more unimportant? Is this zzz boring vote situation another example?
Do you keep up with current events or is that mostly for bros trying to create the opportunity to cum with broads who walk barefeet?
What's the difference between England and Britain?
What's the difference between an exceptional young person and a grubby little know-it-all, or are they basically the same thing?

I AM THINKING ABOUT JC (JESUS CHRIST)

Hey y'all. Since his name came up a couple of posts ago I simply haven't been able to stop thinking about JC. That's right, I'm talking about Jesus Christ. There's just something about him, man. 

Sure it's easy to lol out loud at people who are into religion - and in many ways they're some of the least self aware peeps in the game - but maybe it's all down to marketing? Cultivating a religious personal brand is a 24/7 situation. Let's reflect:

• No sex before marriage. (Maybe a bj or miscellaneous slap and tickle is allowed.)
• Very poor media presence. (Russell Crowe is Noah. Religious connotations of March of the Penguins. Voting for a new Pope.)
• Constant allegations / prosecutions of pedo / sexual predator stuff.
• Flip reversed cross logo on leggings.

Might email the church with some personal branding solutions. For example, you can use the following cool symbol for JC ✝_✝_✝. This one for the Baby Jesus ✝_✝_✝ and this one for the Holy Ghost _ _ _

Q&A

Which of the following bible stories would you all most like to see exploited by Hollywood? 

Adam <3 Eve. A romantic comedy where Owen Wilson is Adam and the broad from Hunger Games is Eve. The snake is voiced by

Adam & I. Serious business dramatisation told from the perspective of Eve. Scarlett Johansen is Eve and does loads of scenes in darkened rooms, silhouetting her breasts, but failing to deliver the goods :-[

Flood! A stoopid animated kids film for kids made by Dreamworks. It tells the story of the animals post-Noah's flood situation. An edgy comedian voices an animal.

I'll Have What He's Having. Romcom about Jesus' forgotten brother trying to ascend to such great heights / heaven in his bro's shadow. Robert Downy Jr plays everyone. 

Omega. Artsy circlejerk told from the perspective of God; from the 7 Day situation right through to the rapture. This film totally ignores the Big Bang and tries to generate buzz / monitise itself by issuing confrontational press releases towards the scientists.

Should I abuse Kickstarter to get this shit funded?
Is Dreamworks a poorman's Pixar, or are they both pretty meh in our post-Toy Story 3 world?

xox
(1 kiss, 1 hug, and another kiss.)

2 MINUTE INVESTIGATIONS: THE PALESTINE CONFLICT

(2 MINUTE INVESTIGATIONS is an exciting new feature where we learn more about IRL situations. Obviously, we 'can't think about this stuff because we're too busy', but equally it'd be nice to know the exact situation. How much can we learn in 2 minutes about ______?)

-----

Preface:
Y'all, it seems like the Palestine situation is sooo 2013, but there's still a bunch of bros / broads out there banging on about it. You can wear a T shirt or buy a sticker or organise a cupcake sale to co-brand with this situation. From what I understand, the Palestine Conflict is something to do with Israel and Palestine having redonk beef about some area of land between their borders. 
Might have some heavy human rights violations :-/ concerned-face.
Might have some 'serious political ramifications for the region'. 
Might have something to do with the United Nations / oil. 
I'm just not sure, y'all, but I'll see what I can find out in 2 minutes. Brb.

The Exact Situation:
Jeez Louise, his shiz seems pretty heavy. From my investigations I discovered that (maybe?) Israel and Palestine are 'basically the same thing' but they really hate one another. According to this map Jerusalem is also hotly contested (because of Jesus Christ (JC Our Lord and Saviour))).

Unfortunately there's been negative vibes there since 1948 with load of atrocities. 
Loads of peeps blown up, but also property damage :-[
I'm thinking that Gaza has something to do with this situation because it's highlighted on the map. Maybe this has something to do with the popular Gaza Strip meme? Maybe it's that 'strip' of land between the 2 regions? 
Fortunately, America will 'eventually sort it all out' via passive aggressive emails / trade sanctions :-] happyface

Conclusion:
You all, the world seems pretty intense :-[ sadface.
Not sure if I condone or condemn the Palestine / Israel conflict. 
Not sure who I support tbh. I've met some Palestinians, and they seem pretty legit, but maybe the Israelis are also the same. Maybe we should just put all our weapons down and spend more time 'just chilling hard on the internet'. Anyways, it feels like we easily know enough now to hold our own with someone who's really into politics.
Might go to university or organise a flash mob.
Might buy an Amazonian Kindle.


Q&A
Are you passionate about politics or is that mostly for keenOs?
Should we all just learn to get along or should we continue to murder one another because of _____?
Would you fire a rocket propelled grenade / noob tube at your bro because he was born on the wrong side of the tracks, or would you make an anonymous noise complaint to the police and hope that they shut his situation down hmmm?

"I am dreaming,
a dream where everyone is holding hands.
Across the circumference of the planet. 
Apart from the oceans & Poland, obviously." - A delicate Haiku


xxx
(3 kisses.)

THE NHS SENT ME A SURVEY. I AM GLAD.

Y'all.
Have y'all ever heard about the NHS? From what I understand, it provides jobs for medical students who can't find work privately due to poor grades / miscellaneous misconduct. It also offers experienced call centre staff the chance to earn over £9 an hour manning the phones for 999 Emergency Services and 111 Casual Services Hotline. It's an exciting opportunity. Unfortunately, The Man / Government is constantly trying to destroy the NHS; dismantling its infrastructure and undermining its situation.
Obviously we should try to keep ourselves to ourselves where politics are concerned. There's just so much content out there, y'all. We can't afford to waste time and 'get the knickers in the twist' when there're so many torrents to illegally download. MP3s. 1080p movie torrents. Games. TV series' and of course amazing pornography. Sometimes it's a wonder that anything gets done ;-]

As you're no doubt aware, The Man / Government doesn't have a very evolved online presence and prefers to send 'serious letters' to civilians :-[ 
This morning they sent a letter to me.

Fortunately my parents brought me a reasonably priced Dell Desktop PC with printer / scanner combo for Christmas, so I can scan it and share it with y'all. 

I'm feeling happy because I've been chosen. 
I'm also making a substantial diff in the world because I'm learning about PM David Cameron. (PM = Prime Minister.) 

This photo ^^^ makes me proud to be British. I feel that I finally 'get' David Cameron. 

In image 1) we see that our leader is well informed. He's taking the time to chat shop with some frumpy-looking broad. Thank eff that a photographer was there or we might have missed this content.

In image 2) we see that our leader is basically a bro; he's one of us. He's playing sillybuggers with the staff. He's probably talking about a popular TV series on Sky HD or something about Tesco Local. He's loling out loud.

In image 3) David seizes an opportunity to promote his compassionate personal brand.

I feel that I finally 'get' David Cameron. 


Q&A
Have you ever voted or is that for people who're trying too hard?
Are letters the most unself-aware form of communication?
Why are there no black people / miscellaneous coloureds near our PM? 
a) Innocent coincidence?
b) Passive aggressive racism?
c) Missed opportunity?
Will the soft collar / no tie personal brand be big for politicians in 2014?
WTF is an MRI scan?

xxx
(3 kisses.)

YOU'RE WORLD: I AM USING SELF-TAN IN OCTOBER.

(YOU'RE WORLD is an astonishing feature where we try to become more self-aware by understanding other people's situations. iam___ readers, just like you, write in and tell us about themselves. Let's see what this week's situation is, hmmm?)

-----

I have always been sociable.
I was popular during high school and my market share was extensive during my Beauty BTEC / Travel & Tourism BTEC / Media BTEC / miscellaneous BS college BTEC.
Unfortunately, I was unable to find work in my field straight out of education - but fuck it - everything happens for a reason. I am sure that it will be okay.

For the last 3 months I have been working at the moderately priced highstreet chain, Boots. I am excited because my probationary period is nearly over. Soon I will receive a staff discount card. (10% across the store (except for 'high-end electrics'). I will lend it to you, but you have to promise to look after it.)

I apply the fake tan to my face. 
Sunbeds / spray tan combos are for losers. Hello? It's 2013 calling. I use self-tanning moisturiser situations. The results are so real; like I've been to a miscellaneous European country on a reasonably priced holiday with my bf - leaving behind Dominos 2 4 1 Tuesdays / a stale sex life and getting lost in a dizzy adventure, sipping Sangria in Corfu. 
If leaving self-tan on for 10 mins makes it look natural, then leaving it on for 15 mins makes it look even more naturaller. 
This stuff isn't rocket surgery ;-]

People look at me in the street.
They are jealous of my personal brand.

Obviously I only tan the oval of my face; I leave my neck / forehead / ears - no one cares about that stuff.

I am looking at you. Are you looking at me?

I am just me being 'me'. It is my choice to be 'orange' in the middle of Autumn - just as it is your choice to be a 'fish-skinned shade of beige' all year round. 
We can agree to disagree.
The world keeps turning.
I am comfortable. 

I am taking selfies.

I am of above average attractiveness. I am _____.

-----

'Jesus Christ'.
Do you have any advice for this broad? Remember to offer only your most constructive feedback in the comments. (Plz no internet trollers.) Whoever offers the most self-aware and socially responsible advice will receive over 100 iamawaitingyourereading points.

Good luck, y'all!
xxx (3 kisses.)

THE GRUFFALO MURDERED ME. (A DREAM.)

Last night I had a dream that the bear-man from Where the Wild Things Are came to murder me, but after careful internet research I discovered that it was the Gruffalo.
I am aghast.

From what I understand, Gruffalo has a very approachable personal brand and is part of a popular children's franchise for children. This shocking turn of events left me feeling highly suspicious of any Gruffalo-related product or service. 

I am in the woods. I am feeling vulnerable. #getting_back_to_nature.
I understand that 'playing in the woods' is a pastime of poor people with moderate broadband speed / limited mobile internets. This is not 'me'.
I am feeling :-(
Gruffalo arrives and we skip down the mossy path. (Not gay.)
I am feeling :-)
     I really liked the film you made back in the day, I say to Gruffalo.
     "That wasn't me," he replies. "You're thinking of Where the Wild Things Are."
     I am sorry.
     "That's cool. It happens all the time, man."
Time passes and I realise that Gruffalo is not legit. Not at all. He is an adult man / moth-monster who spends all day / night with children; from what I understand this obviously makes him a peodofile. How could I have been so blind? Things deteriorate rapidly. 
     "I will kill again," says Gruffalo. 
     Oh. 
     :-(
(I did not watch his film.)


Q&A
Is Where the Wild Things Are / Gruffalo 'basically the same thing'?
Unfortunately, I've not researched the issue - but if I had to guess - I'd say that Gruffalo weighs about 400lbs. After my nightmare I armed myself with a screwdriver and checked my house for danger. Would a screwdriver protect me from Gruffalo or are we realistically looking at a shotgun / spear combo?
If you were being mercilessly hunted by a cartoon who would you choose?
a) ET?
b) Snoopy Dog?
c) Fatso Garfield Cat
d) Starscream Decepticon?
e) Miscellaneous Clever-clogs Political Cartoon?
f) Alf?
Just want to ask 1 question - is Gruffalo an abomination?

Keep safe, y'all.
xx (2 kisses.)

PROMOTING YOUR PERSONAL BRAND: AN INTRODUCTION

As y'all no doubt know there are billions of people in the world but only one you.
As self-aware members of the 1st World we all have a responsibility to be the best that we can be - encouraging jealousy not only in the 3rd World, but also in those 'lower down the food chain' than we are within our local community. This may seem like an intimidating task at first, but fortunately there are a number of activities which can help.
Come. Let us reflect:

• Charity bake sale. (Embracing the Cupcake Economy.)
• Nail selfies. 
• Charity funruns. 
• Temporarily leaving the 1st World to build a well / school / farm / miscellaneous social hub in the 3rd World.
• Creating, maintaining, and promoting your personal brand.

All of ^^^ these activities are excellent. They're fun to participate in - alleviating our White Guilt, but simultaneously 'keep the poor man down', as he cannot participate in these fun activities :-( sadface. From what I understand he has 3rd World Problems like eating food, clean water, and AK-47 machine gun. 

Let's get real ffs. You may think that this stuff is easy but you're fucking dead wrong.
Similarly to the mighty plains of Africa, there's also a pecking order in the modern urban environment. 
Carnivores. Herbivores. 
Are you a lion or 'just another sheep in the wall'?  

Haircut. Clothing. Accessories. Tattoos, but also body piecing / non-prescription glasses combo. MP3s. 
These ^^^ are the things that make you, 'you'. 

We're going to go through all this in an exciting new feature on iam___ called PROMOTING YOUR PERSONAL BRAND. 


Q&A
Out of 10 how would you rate your position within your local community (1 being not very good and 10 being The Cool One)?
People keep on banging on about cupcakes, but experts are starting to violently reject their teachings :-O. Accepting this as truth, which economy will collapse first - the Cupcake Economy or the Beard Economy?
Do you 'judge people for who they are on the inside' or do you 'judge a book by it's cover'?
Just want to ask 1 question really - where is Syria?

Gtg, y'all. Keep safe out there.
<3 heart symbol.

UNDERSTANDING THE ECONOMIC DOWNTURN 7 - THE OWL ECONOMY

Y'all no doubt know, the only thing that got us through those initial stages of the Eurozone Crisis was the sale of Keep Calm and Carry On merchandise. 
Mugs. Clothing. Posters. _____.
Several years later the Keep Calm and Carry On Economy is yesterday's news; these days the Owl Economy is big business - generating literally hundreds of pounds every quarter.  

Affordable owl products are sold by the kilo to middle-aged Ally McBeal-type women, but also to spunky broads riding cutesy-cutesy Zooey DeSchanel waves.

People are literally queuing up to co-brand their situation with owls.
Owls are wise - creating an impression of depth and intelligence.
Owls are also able to fly - allowing a savvy consumer to hint at a free-spirited personal brand + daydreams.

Accepting all of this as truth, let's examine some of the incredible products available to us via the Owl Economy:

Owl Pin Badge

This is a 'pocket money' item. 
Approachable but also mysterious.

Owl Coaster Set

The perfect size for a glass of Red - whether to celebrate that big promotion or just to escape from a passive-aggressive relationship / abusive husband.

Owl Jumper Situation

Absolutely ideal to mix with a kute polka-dot raaraa skirt or swirly ankle-length dress.





Owl Casual Wear 

Men can also enjoy owl products, y'all. This handsome man is wearing an owl longsleeve top. 
B-) shades-cool.

Owl Night Light

Owl night light.





There are thousands if not millions of owl products available via the Owl Economy.
Treat y'allself! ;-) confident-winking-face.


Q&A
When the Owl Economy collapses, what will be the next big thing?
a) Badgers? 
b) Inorganic and forced 70's revival?
Analysts say that you should liquidate everything and invest in Owls. Do you agree?
What does The DOW Jones stand for? 
Do you care about your personal / national dept or do you just say, "Fuck it. I am sure that it will sort itself out."

An Eagle Owl is terrifying. It grows about the size of a medicine ball and they attack foals :-O amazed-face.