It seems like only yesterday we were enjoying the Blade Runner 2047 product or service.
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Sunday 22 May 2022
VANGELIS IS NO LONGER WITH US. IS CURRENT MOVIE MUSIC 'GARBAGE'? 😮😮
It seems like only yesterday we were enjoying the Blade Runner 2047 product or service.
Saturday 6 November 2021
IT IS TIME TO PROTECT THE PLANET, Y'ALL 😧😧
Enough is enough. Our planet is dying and we must change our behaviour immediately.
At first I was like 'whatevs', but then some goofus had a cardboard sign reading 'THERE IS NO PLANET-B' and I was like 'wow'. I get it now.
What really saddens me is we've been here before. It seems like only yesterday this blog was trying to warn everyone the dangers of climate change with this elegant and clean post. Unfortunately, world leaders are not self-aware nor relevant enough to read snarky blogspots, so we are where we are :-[ sadface.
Let's get real. Top scientists have come up with a series of suggestions and you must pick at least 2 to adopt into your daily life immediately:
Renewable energy.
Cop 26 circlejerk/photo opportunity.
Primitive Skype message from the queen (you look good, bb!)
Cardboard sign.
Detonating a nuclear device over India/crappy miscellaneous brown country to force a reduction in fossil fuel consumption.
You cannot eat _____.
Wear a jumper [via global warming]
Wear a nice hat [via global cooling]
Glue yourself to a road.
Glue yourself to someone glued to a road.
Glue yourself to someone who is glued to someone glued to a road.
I will NOT be responsible for the decimation of our amazing planet >:-[ angryface 😒😒
As soon as I have finished this post I will be throwing my computer into the sea, donating all my stuff to Africa, and I will go and live a net zero existence in a field somewhere. I will survive on a diet of soy and grass and I will also do the yoga.
Fuck the top 1%! Fuck cars!
Friday 25 December 2020
HOME ALONE: HOW DO THE McALLISTER'S HAVE SO MUCH $$$ MONEY?
- What is the colour of the thing?
- Why does my cat lick me?
- Why is Zooey Deschanel?
- What did Keven McAllister's dad do to afford this biz?
Let us get to the bottom of the McAllister's financial situation, hmmm?
It's also very telling to this author that Mrs McAllister not only settles the bill with the pizza delivery bro, she also takes the time to 'shoot the shit' with this random minimum wage dingdong. Mrs McAllister has the comfortable demeanour of a successful person who is 'willing to listen to the little people but ultimately does not care'.
Also, see David Beckham funding Victoria Beckham's 'fancypants clothing range'.
Anything for a quiet life.
f) Expensive pasta. £100 for 100g. It is multi-coloured.
Friday 18 December 2020
UK POLITICS: LET'S LEARN ABOUT PRITI PATEL 🤔🤔
I was watching Priti Patel ride-along with a police raid like 3 months ago. It was dark so I'm guessing it was quite early in the morning and the operation was going down deep in the Modern Urban Environment / 'miscellaneous crappy inner city area' where her crew were going to seriously bust up some County Lines drug biz.
Most people would've resigned but Priti Patel is like, "No."
Wikipedia states that she is:
- Down with getting rid of the smoking ban. 😀😀
- Cool with capital punishment. 😮😮
- Not cool with gay marriage. 😕😕
- Not cool with Extinction Rebellion. 🐢👎
- Not cool with BLM. ✊🏿👎
What would you do if The Prit smashed your door / face in?
I think a cool catchphrase for her post-arrest could be, "You're pretty fucked now, hey?" (Not really a question.)
If you were being bullied in the workplace would you:
a) Complain to middle management?
b) Lock yourself in the toilet and 'hope that it will all go away'?
c) Take time off for emotional distress / get free money?
d) Rap battle [via 8 Mile factory lunch break scene]?
Tuesday 25 June 2019
FOOTBALL MAN
The letter was written in crayon :-[ sadface
Tuesday 18 June 2019
WHAT WOULD YOUR BOXING NAME BE?
It's made me think very seriously about what I'd rebrand myself as if I were to 'step into the ring to fuck someone up'. Yeah okay might be a bit late in the day as I'm 36, but with the correct name/brand and training montage I could be 'ready to rumble' in a month or so :-]
It'd be like that film where the guy did the thing.
Anyways, to have a puncher's chance I need to nail down this name/branding solution. I've been riffing on some cool ideas:
David Sledgehammer
Big Willie Punch
Kung Fu Man
Effing Boxing Man
Alex 'The Kid' Man
Volcano Pete
Slow-Eyed Paul
What do you think? (Please only constructive criticism or I will report you.)
Seems pretty _____ of the parents to name their child this way. With a name like Tyson Fury he was unlikely to have a sweet career in insurance, so might have missed out on some great experiences in a friendly office environment. If you named your daughter Buffy 2 Breasts she is unlikely to become a scientist and is more likely to have a sad career in pornography/Etsy :-[ sadface
Q&A
What would your boxing man name be?
This weeks meme seems to be The Women's World Cup Championship Prize (For Football Women) but unfortunately savvy content consumers are reluctant to embrace this product. Should Old Media stop banging on about women's football and accept that it's 'basically crap'?
Obvs football for men is also garbage. (Not really a question.)
Are all sports other than Mario Kart zzz boring?
Instead of dull human vs human combat I'd really like to see some brutal cockfight-themed contest, similar to Pokémon, where things can get redonk. Imagine a fight between a human and a giraffe. Or a robot vs two robots.
Sunday 9 June 2019
PROTECT THE PLANET, Y'ALL
Come. Let us reflect:
- Redonk Greenhouse Gas emissions
- Unchill polar ice caps
- Decline of popular animals (tiger cat, elephant etc)
- Decline of 'crap' animals (wasp)
- Failure of government to take the situation seriously
I am v worried. I am v furious.
We need someone to design a logo. Unfortunately, this exciting opportunity will be unpaid, but we can offer you 10 exposure and obviously it'll look amazing on your portfolio; possibly leading to further exciting opportunities at BuzzFeed / primitive printed media outlet. (This will also be unpaid.)
If you think everything will be okay please think again, idiot.
Stop deforestation. Trees are people too.
Q&A
Do you care about the planet?
Do you not care about the planet?
Sometimes I see these doods protesting about climate change and they just seem straight up annoying, so I regularly leave my flat with the central heating turned up all the way to the max and I also leave all the windows open :-] (Not really a question.)
The time for moderate protest / peaceful cupcake sale is over. We, as a species, must lower our carbon footprint via any means necessary - be that by limiting our consumption of red meat or by simply combining the entire resources of the entire planet into one great big huge milkshake and throwing it at The Man.
Absolutely very livid right now and I will be sending a very strongly worded email to my local MP.
Furious right now >:-[ but I've taken the time to compose myself and compose this delicate Haiku.
World.
We only have 1 world.
Please recycle your _____.
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