IT IS TIME TO PROTECT THE PLANET, Y'ALL 😧😧

Enough is enough. Our planet is dying and we must change our behaviour immediately. 

At first I was like 'whatevs', but then some goofus had a cardboard sign reading 'THERE IS NO PLANET-B' and I was like 'wow'. I get it now. 

What really saddens me is we've been here before. It seems like only yesterday this blog was trying to warn everyone the dangers of climate change with this elegant and clean post. Unfortunately, world leaders are not self-aware nor relevant enough to read snarky blogspots, so we are where we are :-[ sadface.

Let's get real. Top scientists have come up with a series of suggestions and you must pick at least 2 to adopt into your daily life immediately:

Renewable energy.

Cop 26 circlejerk/photo opportunity.

Primitive Skype message from the queen (you look good, bb!)

Cardboard sign.

Detonating a nuclear device over India/crappy miscellaneous brown country to force a reduction in fossil fuel consumption. 

You cannot eat _____.

Wear a jumper [via global warming]

Wear a nice hat [via global cooling]

Glue yourself to a road.

Glue yourself to someone glued to a road.

Glue yourself to someone who is glued to someone glued to a road.

I will NOT be responsible for the decimation of our amazing planet >:-[ angryface 😒😒

As soon as I have finished this post I will be throwing my computer into the sea, donating all my stuff to Africa, and I will go and live a net zero existence in a field somewhere. I will survive on a diet of soy and grass and I will also do the yoga. 

Fuck the top 1%! Fuck cars!

HOME ALONE: HOW DO THE McALLISTER'S HAVE SO MUCH $$$ MONEY?

Since the creation of the internet utilising the amazing powers of AOL free trial CDs and crappy 56k modems the internet has answered many questions. 

Come. Let us reflect:

• What is the colour of the thing?
• Why does my cat lick me?
• Why is Zooey Deschanel?
• What did Keven McAllister's dad do to afford this biz?

As part of this blog's outstanding commitment to outstanding investigate journalism I am investigating this hot-button topic immediately.

I saw the above meme ^^^ posted a couple of days ago and was like, "Yeah okay."

There's so much content to sift through in our amazing 1st World that sometimes it's in one ear and out the other. 

Then someone commented that it's actually Mrs McAllister and not Mr McAllister making that 'effing redonk bank'.

😮😮

At first I violently rejected their comment; how can a woman make more money than a man? It's straight up crazy talk. I deployed the passive-aggressive-laughing-boi emoji as if I were dropping The Fat Man atomic nuclear device on Nagasaki. 

But it stuck with me, y'all...

It is the festive season and I am watching the major motion picture Home Alone.
Let us get to the bottom of the McAllister's financial situation, hmmm?

MR McALLISTER: AN INVESTIGATION

Firstly, Mr McAllister looks like 'a fucking bum' 😒😒:

He is wearing a crappy $15 shirt from some shitty miscellaneous big box store. 

He is also sporting the painted-on smile of a man who has made poor life choices. 

Unfortunately, his brother is also very poor. 😕😕

MRS McALLISTER: AN INVESTIGATION

Meanwhile, Mrs McAllister looks straight up sweetums, bb 😃😃:

It's also very telling to this author that Mrs McAllister not only settles the bill with the pizza delivery bro, she also takes the time to 'shoot the shit' with this random minimum wage dingdong. Mrs McAllister has the comfortable demeanour of a successful person who is 'willing to listen to the little people but ultimately does not care'.

Subtle undertones of a relationship where the power balance is heavily skewed. 

Mrs McAllister also mentions that the whole trip to Paris shindig is because her husband has been transferred or something. 

Sort of feel like big important businessmen (specialising in business) don't get transferred - they go where they want to go. 

He has not been promoted. He has been transferred.

It's a bit like your other half is 'working' in some 'utterly bullshit industry' (Etsy / notonthehighstreet.org / something to do with decoupage) that constantly runs at a loss, and you're paying to keep it afloat, but if it keeps your other half happy - whatevs.

Also, see David Beckham funding Victoria Beckham's 'fancypants clothing range'. 
Anything for a quiet life.

THE McALLISTERS: CONCLUSION

Accepting all of this as truth, I speculate that Mrs McAllister runs some high-end clothing company; that's why the house is filled with mannequins.

At the start of this post it seemed 'impossible' that she was the provider of the family's vast wealth, but that is why we investigate this stuff:

To learn. 

To LOL.

Let's have a VERY BRIEF Q&A.

Q&A

Are you the 'dead weight' in your relationship, hoping your partner pays for _____?

If you had a blank cheque from your very wealthy other half, what 'fucking bullshit' business venture would you start with 0 consequence should it fail?

a) Stained glass windows?

b) Yoga for pets?

c) Oh wow like LEGO Technic limbs for broken pets? 😮😮

d) Plants?

e) 1st World Christmas tree decorations made out of 3rd World bullets / mines?
f) Expensive pasta. £100 for 100g. It is multi-coloured.

Christmas truly is the most magical time of the year. 

Thank you, clean Caucasian Jesus. <3 <3

FOOTBALL MAN

'Jeezlouise'. After our last astonishingly powerful piece of investigative journalism where we briefly touched upon football the emails have been coming in thick and fast. My team and I have had literally dozens of emails and 1 (primitive Old Media) paper letter from Neanderthal concerned members of the football community; specifically football man players who play football. 
The letter was written in crayon :-[ sadface

There were so many fucking expletives so I've tried to fucking clean it up as much as I can. Every dog has his day and all that. I'm absolutely aghast. 

'Jesus Christ'. A real potty mouth on this kid :-[ 

Here's a brief transcript from this rigmarole. 

Absolute degenerate. 

NSFW

-----

I always wanted to be a football man.

Kicking the ball.

Dribbling the ball to the end zone to win The Prize. 

I am doing a corner kick now.

I hope that the coach sees me - but moar importantly - he sees my potential.

I am a football boy now but I would like to be a fully-fledged football man (broad with too-dark eyebrows for her complexion / car that is okay / house in a secure environment where the insurance premium is too much but 'I have a lot of expensive shit' so I don't mind paying the premium even though the excess is a bit _____.)

Man, I could kick a football ball into orbit. 

It will circle the Earth's circumference for a thousand years because I have kicked it so high but also very very accurately.

I am just doing some football, y'all.

I am playing football now.

"Eff you, ref," I speak the words. "Double Hitler. You are a bad referee man, man. That biz was totally legit."

(I call him a cunt too. Fortunately, there is no YouTube footage so this biz will pass.)

Furious with the 'state of the game' right now.

I am kicking the ball.

I am good at kicking the ball.

I can win The Prize.

Sometimes I think of the sometimes when my bros and I were 'just having a kick around'. Oi oi.

'Doing some shit' at our local Leisure Centre. Oi. 

We were just crazy mixed-up kids back then; I never thought that my football skills could take me to such great heights but here I am playing a game of football.

I am flying without wings.

I am 3 lions on the shirt.

I can kick a football. 

I kick the football.

It is like I do not know if I am coming or going, y'all.

I can kick a football all the way to the curve of the Earth's horizon sunset, but will it bring me peace? My heart is a black and white hexagonal ball.

I am lacing my boots very very carefully.

I am checking my shin pads and stuff.

Football.

I runaround the football pitch for 10 thousand miles then return to the dug out and stare at myself in a mirror for like 10mins.

"Did you win The Prize?" my reflection asks.

"I did my best," I reply.

"Not good enough, fucko."

"I did my best."

"Not good enough, fucko."

"..."

Fuck football >:-[ angryface

I always wanted to be a football man.

-----

Oh wow. After that touching insight into the very mind of a football man I feel pretty whatevs about it. Time for a quick Q&A?

Q&A

Who gives an eff about football? (This question is rhetorical. The answer is, similar to the broad from Game of Thrones, 'No one'.)

I am so ashamed when these knuckle-draggers plod their way through Europe to 'support the team to win The Prize'. That's why I mostly pretend I'm not English when I go on holiday. For reals; be it Gatwick Airport or bumblefuck-middle-of-nowhere in Asia, I always speak words in a miscellaneous European accent. (Not really a question.) 

WTF is Love Island? I feel that football men and the broads that they have on that show are in a symbiotic relationship. (Not really a question.)

Are you football?

xx

(2 kisses.)

WHEELIE ON A BIKE

Worried.

The hip new thing taking the nation's prepubescent boys by storm seems to be performing a wheelie on a bike. I'm not sure if this is fallout from austerity or something to do with the breakdown of the traditional family unit.

From what I understand, you take your bicycle to the concrete heart of the Modern Urban Environment and do a wheelie. Any distance between 1-6 foot is a win generating mad respect from members of the general public / miscellaneous onlookers. I wanted to learn moar about the situation so I interviewed one of these rigmaroles as part of iamawaitingyourereading's outstanding commitment to outstanding investigative journalism. Our interviewee preferred to remain anonymous but stated that he's representing the Rother District Murder Society Nigs. Let's see what he had to say hmmm?

-----

Unfortunately I have never been very academic :-( sadface.

My teachers state that I have potential, but that I fail to apply myself. They can 'fucking do one'. They do not understand the way it be and that I need to be me. I need to represent my postal code area code by any means necessary; be that by harassing a minimum wage security bro at Tesco or by playing a mumble rap song MP3 on a tinny-sounding Bluetooth speaker. 

I need to wheelie.

The wind rustles through my hair like Jesus to a child as I pop a fat one. (My crew of degenerates bully me. My hair is not cut very well. My hair is cut at one of those £9 places. I have explained that my mum is 'a broke ass whore' because she is studying to become a personal trainer / estate agent / Instagram sensation / something to do with eyebrows, but this reasoning has failed to remedy the situation.)

I need to be me.

When I rock a sick wheel' I am alive! I drop that biz like an atom bomb one time.
I am getting respect.

I never knew my dad. To me, he is just some bro who smells like Lynx deodorant and sad basement flat. A police Community Support Officer tells my homeslices and I to, "Pack it in." 

"Eat a dick and kill yourself, you gaylord," I tell him. He has no real power over me. Community Support Officers are just work experience policeman men and do not have my respect. The real power spins in the wheel.

Would that it were I could wheelie all my troubles away. 
Wish I could wheelie all the way to the horizon, man. 
Drop off the map and ride 1-wheeled into the sunset.

I will ride until I die, bb.

-----

Wow. At the start of this post I was feeling pretty whatevs about the current wheelie meme but now I can kind of get onboard with it. Boys will be boys. Let's not be so quick to judge, hey? :-) happyface


Q&A
Are you wheelie?
Does doing a wheelie like eff up the gears or something? I'm not a mechanic but it doesn't seem very sustainable.
Do you believe in sustainable fishing or are you more like yeah okay when tuna is on sale?
Why is salmon so expensive?
Are kid wheelie-bros a lost cause or can they be straightened out? Choose your tool:
a) bike confiscation
b) draconian public space laws
c) Daddy's belt
d) 'clip round the ears.'
e) disappointed glare
f) disinterested glare
g) hammer [via Stephen King Misery w/ Kathy Bates]
I watched Pet Semetary (sic) and The Dark Tower and they were both crap. (Not really a question.)

x

BUILDERS

As you're no doubt aware builders are a bunch of dingdongs. Whether it's playing sillybuggers outside a Weatherspoons when the sun's gone down or singing along to a Kasabian song when the scaffolding's gone up, they're absolutely disgusting creatures. Hello and yes welcome back.

As 2018 starts to gain traction we need to address the elephant in the room; we as a species have loads of buildings so do we as a species still need builders? My sources (Number 10 Downing Street, actually) report that it's all some wonky pyramid scheme to keep riffraff off the streets. As long as they're 30' up in the air then they can't interfere with decent folk in the Modern Urban Environment. 

In our post hashtagMeToo world we need to constantly be on the lookout for sexual shenanigans / rape. You don't need to look far; they are mostly perched atop scaffolding like rapey gargoyles. Disgusting.


Q&A
a) Is listening to the radio for poor people?
b) Why are there no female builders?
c) One time I had a female taxi driver and I was amaze. (Not really a question.)
d) I've had a builder dicking around painting my hallway for like a year now. He finished up yesterday but he is very lazy / not a very good builder. (Not really a question.)
e) Should Mate Rock Pop (Kasabian, The Automatic, The Streets Rap Man, Rag + Bone Man) be condemned by the international community and subject to severe UN sanctions?

At the start of this post I was feeling like, "Fuck builders."

Nothing has changed.

x
(1 kiss.)
  

A ROYAL ENGAGEMENT. REJOICE!

As you're no doubt aware, at iam___ we are so excited about any situation involving the Royal Family. They are amazing and we are filth. They are so amazing and we are so filthy that sometimes I can't even look at myself in the mirror and just want to die. 
I penned this delicate and vulnerable Haiku. 
Come. Let us reflect:

"Royal.
What does it mean to me?
I wish I had lived in a Royal Womb,
for 9 clean months." - Haiku © 2017. Please Like and Share.

Rejoice! The time has come! Stop smearing your own shit on the wall and pay attention listen up, dumbdumbs! We are dirty, dirty pigs eating slop! 

Yes, that's right, William has decided to marry. The most eligible bachelor in all of Narnia has decided to choose his queen. She is not Caucasian but that's okay in our post-Scarlett Johansson is Master Chief in Ghost in the Shell world. Not sure why everyone's bringing race into this as we are all basically equal (apart from Poland obviously). 
Shame. Shame.

Really feel that this could be the turning point in our collective situation as a species and steer us clear of the Intergalactic Economic Downturn.

Really feel that _____.

Really feel that Harry might settle down and stop playing sillybuggers, and maybe get a job, and stop playing sillybuggers. 

Old Media reported that he (Harry) was 'in the military' but my sources at Buckingham Place stated that's a load of old codswallop. I completed Halo 3 on Legendary Mode so I've seen some serious shit so I know what's up; he was probs a hundred miles away from combat dicking around on Skype, the effing dingdong. 
(That text ^^^^ is fact but the following text is unsubstantiated >>>> I also think that he pressured low-ranking female soldiers into sexual shenanigans. Nothing rapey but defo a lot of pressure. I am aghast. Really bad form, man.)


Q&A
a) Are you interested in this engagement?
b) Are you disinterested in this engagement?
c) (I'm not sure who his fiancé is so I'm going to call her Rebecca) but Rebecca seems a lot prettier than he is so do you think that they'd be engaged if he was like middle management at PC World? (This question is rhetorical.)
d) Does this engagement make you raise your scruffy serf head from the minimum wage cotton fields and say, "Yes! Yes, this is amazing! Rejoice!" or are you pretty whatevs about the situation. (This question is rhetorical.)
e) (_____ self-aware commentary on the Class System.)

At the start of this post I was feeling like 'I don't give a rats ass' about the Royal engagement but now I'm thoroughly behind it. I'm going to put £1 a week to 1 side so that I can contribute because that's all I can do. 
Might buy them some nice flowers for the Reception. 
Might buy them some pigs in blankets for the buffet.

If you don't do your bit or show your support then you are a dog. You are a stinky rat. 
As soon as my fingers have keyed in the last character of this beautiful truth I'm going to head to my bank, withdraw everything, and gift half to the Royal Wedding it is so important and I am filth. 

<3 William
<3 Rebecca

I think THINK she's in some straight to DVD / streaming series so maybe we'll see Prince Harry do some inorganic cameo biz. Those chandeliers aren't going to pay for themselves, y'all. 

In this post I've been exploring my relationship with the Royal Fam.

xx
(2 kisses.)

OH, 2016. WHAT ARE YOU?

Highly trained scientists and unemployed post-grads have concluded that years from now, when we're all old and grey, we'll look back at 2016 as the moment things went wrong. 
Come. Let us reflect:

• Death of popular celebs.
• Irreversible climate change.
• Polar bear decimation / soggy penguin.
• Bee decimation / Colony Collapse Syndrome.
• Whatevs launch of Ecksbawks One and PS4.
• Private space shuttle-bro's space shuttle explodes.
• 'Visionary director' Zack Snyder's Batman Vs Superman.
• 'Mental' North Korean nuclear test Vs UN sanctions.
• The £ dropping off into the Mariana's Trench. 

Really, the only good thing that came out of this year is that Leo got his Oscar (and my cat got the all clear from the vet). So where do we go from here, y'all?

As you're no doubt aware the average iamawaitingyourereading reader (nearly 400k obvs) is savvy enough to just 'switch off from the negative vibrations', spend more time on the internet, and buy more things. That's okay for US but what about THEM? We're all in this together; be that Ryan Shrew from Southampton with +15% body fat or Chun Li from China (?) with the Spinning Bird Kick. We have a responsibility as self-aware content consumers living in the modern urban environment to assist our peers and let them know, "Everything will sort itself out :-] happyface."

To this end I've put together a 5 step plan to remedy the situation. Tell a friend. Then that friend will tell a friend. Then that friend will tell a friend. Then, like ripples in a pond, positive vibes and chillwaves will restore our collective species' situation:

1) Ignore All Issues - Obvs the best way to resolve a problem is to ignore it until it sorts itself out.

2) Derail Think Pieces - Intellectual circle jerks have got us, as a species, nowhere. Best thing to do in these situations is spam all threads with cat .gifs.

3) Get A Cat - From what I understand, cats don't care for many things straight off the bat. If you can convince the cat that it cares for you (or can convince yourself that the cat is convinced) then everything is okay.

4) MP3s - Cultivate a strong MP3 library that represents your personal brand; be that reggae music for minimum wage coffee shop-bros, strong female role model broad MP3, or bleepbloop MP3 from Soundcloud - you just do you.

5) The Universe Is HUGE - The universe is huge. It's all a storm in a tea cup.

Q&A

Are you worried about the future?

Are you 'pretty whatevs' about the future?

Do you remember when David Bowie died and everyone was like, "HOW CN KAYNE WEST STILL B ALIV?!!!" Not really a question, but there was a lot of salt that week.

Would you kill a polar bear to save a polar bear?

Should all political situations, regardless of democracy, just be voted on by peeps who actually understand the situaition?

Clinton or Trump? (Oh Gawd we haven't even got to that yet.)

Are 'next generation' consoles just crap PCs?

Are Apple PCs just expensive PCs (but with better branding / customer support)?

Should DC just sell the rights to Batman to Marvel?

These are great days we're living in. Fast internet. Nice skin care products. Loads of competitive prices on the highstreet. Enjoy it, y'all. Savior it, you all.

We might be fighting over a can of tuna come next year.

xoxox

(kiss hug kiss hug, and then a final kiss.)

TOM CRUISE DOES HIS OWN STUNTS.

It's well known that Tom Cruise leads a solitary life. 
His evenings are filled with push ups, strange illuminati rituals, and probs keeping a diary / journal. In many ways he's the sun chasing the moon; he want's Joe public to like him but also has a deep disdain for The Common Man (9-5 hours / -£20'000 salary / +10% body fat).
I am familiar with the following Tom Cruise films:

• Cocktail - A cool man.
• Top Gun - Homosexual undertones / promoting America.
• Interview With The Vampire Man - Not Brad Pitt vampire.
• Minority Report / Oblivion / Live. Die. Repeat - Miscellaneous Sci Fi.
• I Am A Samurai - A cool man. Sex with Asians.
• Valkyrie - Hitler?
• Mission Impossible - Tom Cruise. 

In many of the above ^^^ major motion pictures there are the following themes:

• Seducing misc broads.
• Inconsequential murder of misc extras.
• Dedication to The Way (Sci Fi biz / mysterious biz).
• Being cool [via expositional dialogue / not conforming with The Man).

Feeling really worried about Tom Cruise. For example, I feel he'd be adverse to me calling him 'Big T', or 'T', but he'd be totes onboard with my calling him 'Papa T'. I'd like to hang out with him in the VIP lounge letting him pay for everything.

Anyways, I recently came across some behind the scenes footage / propaganda of him doing some redonk stunts for the new Mission Impossible film. From what I understand he's hanging off a plane - similar to him hanging from the Muslim building circa 2010. Worried. As self aware content consumers living in The 1st World, can we in all honesty trust this promotional material? We're all familiar enough with green screen shenanigans that we can spot an attack ship on fire off the shoulder of Orion as easily as we can spot the ted in Ted. Is he just paying some bro to do this biz for him? In our post-Prometheus world can we really trust any promo material anymore? 

As we previously discussed, Tom Cruise cares little for Average Joe - so why should he court our opinion hmmm?

We, as tech savvy content consumers living in the 1st World, must be sceptical of all art forms - be that a Flash Mob celebrating transgender situations or a cup cake sale promoting the Gaza Strip meme.

Q&A

Does Papa T do his own films or does he just pay some bro to do 'the heavy lifting' [via Kate Moss body double]?

Are flair barmen fucking bullshit [via serve the drink already]?

What's your fav <3 Papa T film?

Is Will Smith an albino Tom Cruise?

I quite liked the Day After Tomorrow / Live. Die. Repeat. (Not really a question.)

Remain self aware, y'all.

xx

(2 kisses.)

PARKOUR SEEMS A RELEVANT WAY TO STICK IT TO THE MAN

I was walking through the modern urban environment and saw a group of youths performing the popular teen hobby of parkour. From what I understand, the modern urban environment becomes your playground. You are jumping over a wall of above average height. You are balancing on a rail. You are jumping down stairs, climbing railway property, and refusing to cooperate with police.
You are sticking it to the man / maxed out on your overdraft.
You are free.

Seems like a great outlet to 'blow off steam and effing be yourself'. Let's get real; sometimes the world just doesn't understand you / your situation, so it's great you can round up a group of your core bros and play sillybuggers in a local space. Up until now young white people had so few ways to truly express themselves (marijuana amphetamine bongs, a kickaround in the local leisure centre, reggae music). I'm not a scientist but I guess that's why we never see a black person doing parkour - as they have loads of great activities to participate in already (professional athleticism, the rap game / gang culture / put a cap in a dome, 'protesting about black issues via social media or sharing a poignant think piece'). 
I guess it takes all sorts.


Q&A
Much like the micro scooter meme of 2010, I thought that this situation was done and dusted. (Not really a question.) 
Do your parents / middle manager not understand you / your personal brand? :-[
Shouldn't it be enough that you:
a) Turn up to work on time?
b) Delete your browser history? 
Or do they want something more?
What's the most relevant way to stick it to The Man?
a) Partially shaved haircut situation?
b) Being born rich / dating a poor person combo?
c) Being born poor / dating a rich person combo?
d) Charity fun run?
e) Ambiguous social media profile piccy?
f) Turning up late to work / ignoring deadlines?
g) Living in the woods?
h) MP3s?
Aren't we all just trying to find the most relevant outlet to minimise the stresses of the 1st World, be it starting the mosh pit or getting breast implants?
Just want to ask 1 question really - did anyone play Mirrors Edge?

xx
(2 kisses.)

BLOG SEASON IS UPON US. REJOICE!

Y'all!
How've y'all been? Missed y'all. 

As the circle of life spins we lose the heat of the summer sun and return back to our bedrooms / mobile devices. It's time to turn our eyes inwards and violently reject the outside world.
It's getting cold out there, man.
Windy, too. 

Over the next couple of months I propose the following situations to blog about. Some are classic iamawaitingyourereading. Others are new.

2 MINUTE INVESTIGATIONS 
In this feature I really want to learn more about this amazing world that we live in. Unfortunately, as self aware content consumers living in the modern urban environment, we spend so much time OTI that it's easy to 'feel sort of whatevs about geography and other cultures' IRL. I'd like to learn more about serious world situations - like the Gaza Strip situation, the African Flu Pandemic situation, and what glass is.

UNDERSTANDING THE ECONOMIC DOWNTURN
It's time to get real and knuckle down, man. No more sillybuggers. That's right, I'm talking about our ongoing understanding of The Galactic Economic Downturn. Over the last few months things have got redonk totes cray cray in the Eurozone. How many rallys have you been to? I've been to loads. (I haven't been to any.) 

LERN 2 INTERNET  
Some of the worlds poorest people don't live in Mozambique, Sudan, miscelaneous brown country, or Central Poland - they live right here among us :-[ sadface. I'm talking about Internet Poverty, y'all. 
People who don't know how to circumvent torrent site blocks.
People unsure about where to harvest their free MP3s. 
People out there who still pay for digital content. 
'Jesus Christ' lets make a #change. 

30_SOMETHING
Want to get vulnerable with you all for this section :-/ serious face. 
This year I'll be 32. I look around at my situation / the situation of my bros and say, "What the eff does it all mean?" In this feature I propose we investigate our feelings about growing older. We can have a circlejerk and discuss our emotions in a mature and safe environment. There'll be no judgement but there will judgement obviously. 

1ST WORLD PROBLEMS
Obviously, 1STWP returns for another season. Often the dramas we face as technologically savvy content consumers living our lives in the 1st World can seem insurmountable. If your £4 coffee is too hot or your Fair Trade OJ is too cold, worry not, we've got it covered. (y) thumbs_up_symbol.

LIFE
In order to become even more self aware we'll continue to look at this amazing world that we live in and our place in it. Are you 'Big Chief Swinging Dick' or 'Just Another Bro' who works in some call centre / miscellaneous minimum wage job? What have you done with your life? 
Sometimes it feels like you're trying to organise a binbag full of cats. 
Sometimes it feels like you're trying to create an opportunity to 'cum'. 
It's just life, y'all. 

Q&A
What was the highlight of your summer?
What was the lowlight of your summer?
How would you rate 2014 out of 10, where 1 is 'A flaccid penis' and 10 is '1 million pounds'? Or is it just too early to say, hmmm?

xx
(2 kisses.)

UNDERSTANDING THE TEACHER STRIKE

Y'all. It's that time of year when lazy treefrog public sector workers need to keep things casual. That TV series / DIY home improvement project / GTA V isn't going to finish itself, y'all. We must show delicate compassion; respecting their decision and taking our children to the cinema / bowling / lunch at a moderately priced & child-friendly restaurant. 
We only have one life. Would you waste it 'teaching utter BS to stupid little snots'? 

As savvy 20 - 30 somethings living in the modern urban environment, most of that noise doesn't concern us. Although we must always pursue the opportunity to 'cum' we must also 'make fucking sure' that mess ends up crashing against some form of contraceptive device. (Obviously - the condom, the coil, the pill, the arm implant / amazing vagina combo, or 'pulling out at the last second' / napkin combo.) 
So how does the teacher strike situation effect us / what the eff does it mean?
Continuing with our 2013 campaign to encourage understanding, we read 1 - 2 paragraphs of this BBC story and then we move on to the next meme.

"Thousands of schools are closed across much of England as teachers strike over pay, pensions and jobs." - BBC

Seems like at least 100% of teacher strikes are about ^^^ this.

Feeling sort of, "Meh," about the situation.

Feel that The Man / government and the teachers should just agree to disagree and move on.

Q&A

How far did you get through the BBC news story? (I only did a paragraph and then skimmed through. I am feeling :-) happyface because I am learning about the world / making a difference in the world.)

What is the coil?

Have you ever 'gone bareback' then worried for days / weeks after about 'pre-cum' situations? 

I left a comment saying, "Eff the Labour Party! Eff social reform situations!" What hateful nonsense did you say?

Is working for the public sector 'an amazing effing win' as you can take loads of time off illegally/ legally?

1STWP: ARE SIRENS ON EMERGENCY SERVICE VEHICLES TOO LOUD?

(1st World Problems is a regular feature on iam___ where we explore the many dangers which threaten us as self-aware members of the 1st World. Let's see what today's situation is.)

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Hey, y'all. As y'all know - we must constantly be striving to improve our quality of life in the 1st World. We have a responsibility to 'show the others how it's done'. 
We must constantly:

• Exploit those less self-aware than we are to provide us with goods and services 'for the right price'.
• Avoid paying for things that we're entitled to (MP3s, utility bills, unsecured wireless networks).
• Do Flash Mobs / change our Facebook profile pictures to facilitate change.
• Do charity funruns to placate the White Guilt.

I am planning to send a strongly worded email / create an e-Petition to complain about emergency services vehicles; the unacceptable noise which they make startles me and potentially compromises my personal brand. 
Remember, you NEVER know who's watching you, analysing you, and judging you. That's a fact. Can you afford to be 'caught with your pants down' and show fear, hmmm?

Unfortunately, I have not researched the issue - but if I had to guess - I would say that the sirens are loud for the following reasons:

a) To make people notice that THIS is an emergency.

b) 'A small man syndrome'.

c) Show off.

d) Too many buddy-cop films (Lethal Weapon, K9 Police Dog, The Other Guys).
e) To cut through the noise of the modern urban environment.
f) Because it is fun.
g) Very selfish reasons.

As you're no doubt aware, we ALL have emergencies in today's modern world.
Come. Let us reflect:

• Mobile phone on low battery.
• Shop about to close.
• Late for work. "I hope middle management / management does not notice. I do not need this so close to my quarterly pay review."
• Several important things that need doing during a 1 hour lunch break.
• Extending our social network.

Who's to say who's emergency is more pressing?
OURS, as we walk from A to B trying to have a conversation on our phone ffs.
SOME OLD DEAR, who can't feel her legs.
?

Take care of y'allselves.
<3 heart symbol.

ARE MICRO 12.5G POUCHES OF TOBACCO LEGIT?

Hey, y'all. Let's get down to business, hmmm?
After the illegal War on Terror we, as a species, learned the following situations:

• Always question The Man.
• Automatically distrust The Old Media and antiquated authority figures.
• e-Petitions can change the world.
• 1 Flashmob in the crowded urban environment is more powerful than 10 Tomahawk Missiles in the crowded urban environment.

Seems like Uncle Tom's been up to his old tricks again; trying to feed us another line. This time round it's pouches of tobacco. 

The Man / Enemy would have us believe that these newfangled micro pouches contain as much nutritious tobacco as the normal sized ones. Obviously this a load of olds codswallop - a textbook slice of misdirection by conglomerate retailers, corrupt politician men, Fat Cat city banker-man men, and extortionate cornershop business models.  

From what I understand, these pouches are vacuum packed or something to force maximum tobacco per square inch of packaging. Unfortunately, I have not researched the issue - but if I had to guess - I would say that the tobacco companies are trying to reduce their Carbon Footprint. As y'all know we only have 1 planet and must take every step to protect it. 
That means cutting greenhouse emissions by 2018. 
That means no driving your car, unless it is an electric car. 
That means we must force China to stop pollution by 2031.  


Q&A
How the eff can we make The Man admit that these micro pouches contain about 10.5g - 11g and not 12.5g?
These pouches look a lil bit kute - do you like them?
Should the major DIY teddybear retailer, Build A Bear, jump onboard and offer these micro pouches of tobacco as accessories for delinquent teddybears?

Is giving your child a poor selection of accessories for his / her Build A Bear enabling them to grow into the future deadbeat boyfriends / single mothers of tomorrow?

Don't even smoke anymore unless it's a special occasion. 
Just sick of being lied to by mysterious illuminati-man figures.  

"I want my child,
to grow up in a world,
free from _____.
Free." - an incredibly vulnerable Haiku © 2013

<3
(Heart symbol.)

IN TODAY'S TOUGH MP3 ECONOMY, DOES HAVING A FRONTWOMAN = MAD BANK? PT 2

(This is Part 2 of a 2 Part Think Piece about monetising a band situation.)

Sup, y'all.
?
You may remember this post where we investigated the current MP3 economy in today's modern world. Bands trying to promote a new product for our consumption must do whatever it takes to get THEIR MP3 onto OUR MP3 playing device. 
From what I understand, 'sex sells'; but is this also true of the music industry? Let's not forget that most record labels currently have an annual turnover of between £50 to £100 per annum - if at all - so 'no stone can be left unturned' in the search for money. 
Let's continue, hmmm?

ALL GIRL LINE UP:
(Haim.)
Obviously this act cannot be taken seriously and will forever be judged upon their wardrobe, their attractiveness, and the content of their bras over their MP3s.

1 GUY / ALL GIRL LINE UP: 
(The Hole.)
This situation is very similar to the G&R situation in that it's mainly 'The Courtney <3 Show'. Not sure whether to feel envious or 'glad' that I'm not the 1 guy. #worried.  

GIRL MAJORITY:
(S Club 7.)
Sort of feel that this is a 'scattergun' approach - trying to cover as many bases / tween demographics as possible. (I would like to 'cum' with Tina 7.)

BOY MAJORITY:
(Fleetwood Mac.)
In many ways Papa Mac transcends the traditional gender divide by having several members married to one another. Is this the optimum situation?

1 GIRL / ALL GUY LINE UP:
((Local band) Hero.)
In many ways this is 'The Golden Ticket'. Women can project themselves into the situation ("That could be me.") and men can enjoy #erection.  

ALL BRO LINE UP:
(90% of bands.)
This is 'the meat and 2 veg'. Traditional all-male bands are 'the backbone' of our MP3 economy. Unfortunately, it can be confusing to know which product is which (due to saturation). 
Last night, there were x3 all-male bands; I can't remember any of their names. 
I think one had a number in? :-( sadface. 

Q&A
Which broad from S Club 7 made YOUR special place FEEL?
Should all-male bands outsource some of their touring duties (backing vocals / tambourine / merchandise stand situation) to a woman in order to increase market share?
Should women be allowed to create MP3s or is this the responsibility of men?

CONCLUSION:

We can all agree that online piracy is a victimless crime.
We all have needs, wants, and basic human rights which must be accommodated. MP3s - although not vital to our survival like a stable broadband connection or food - are very important to our survival in today's modern world.
It is completely unacceptable for bands to expect payment in exchange for MP3s; instead they must offer us only their cleanest MP3s so that we may consume them 'a la carte' / Tapas.
Bands must try to monetise their situation by lucrative sponsorship deals / T Shirt sales / fancypants vinyl EP / limited edition trinket.

Women contribute lots to our MP3 economy. 
Come. Let us rejoice:

• Posters to hang in tween bedrooms.
• Emotive vocals (possibly delivered in a whispy, raspy tone or through the reverb machine. These sounds can take us all away from our mundane lives in the cotton fields 'stocking shelves at Tesco' - to a cabin retreat in the Mountains of Idaho, cuddling on a bearskin rug and discussing the very serious situations in Darfur / Afghanistan war).

(This has been Part 2 of a 2 Part Think Piece about monetising a band situation.)

Take care of y'allselves.

<3 heart symbol.