IT IS TIME TO PROTECT THE PLANET, Y'ALL 😧😧

Enough is enough. Our planet is dying and we must change our behaviour immediately. 

At first I was like 'whatevs', but then some goofus had a cardboard sign reading 'THERE IS NO PLANET-B' and I was like 'wow'. I get it now. 

What really saddens me is we've been here before. It seems like only yesterday this blog was trying to warn everyone the dangers of climate change with this elegant and clean post. Unfortunately, world leaders are not self-aware nor relevant enough to read snarky blogspots, so we are where we are :-[ sadface.

Let's get real. Top scientists have come up with a series of suggestions and you must pick at least 2 to adopt into your daily life immediately:

Renewable energy.

Cop 26 circlejerk/photo opportunity.

Primitive Skype message from the queen (you look good, bb!)

Cardboard sign.

Detonating a nuclear device over India/crappy miscellaneous brown country to force a reduction in fossil fuel consumption. 

You cannot eat _____.

Wear a jumper [via global warming]

Wear a nice hat [via global cooling]

Glue yourself to a road.

Glue yourself to someone glued to a road.

Glue yourself to someone who is glued to someone glued to a road.

I will NOT be responsible for the decimation of our amazing planet >:-[ angryface 😒😒

As soon as I have finished this post I will be throwing my computer into the sea, donating all my stuff to Africa, and I will go and live a net zero existence in a field somewhere. I will survive on a diet of soy and grass and I will also do the yoga. 

Fuck the top 1%! Fuck cars!

HOME ALONE: HOW DO THE McALLISTER'S HAVE SO MUCH $$$ MONEY?

Since the creation of the internet utilising the amazing powers of AOL free trial CDs and crappy 56k modems the internet has answered many questions. 

Come. Let us reflect:

• What is the colour of the thing?
• Why does my cat lick me?
• Why is Zooey Deschanel?
• What did Keven McAllister's dad do to afford this biz?

As part of this blog's outstanding commitment to outstanding investigate journalism I am investigating this hot-button topic immediately.

I saw the above meme ^^^ posted a couple of days ago and was like, "Yeah okay."

There's so much content to sift through in our amazing 1st World that sometimes it's in one ear and out the other. 

Then someone commented that it's actually Mrs McAllister and not Mr McAllister making that 'effing redonk bank'.

😮😮

At first I violently rejected their comment; how can a woman make more money than a man? It's straight up crazy talk. I deployed the passive-aggressive-laughing-boi emoji as if I were dropping The Fat Man atomic nuclear device on Nagasaki. 

But it stuck with me, y'all...

It is the festive season and I am watching the major motion picture Home Alone.
Let us get to the bottom of the McAllister's financial situation, hmmm?

MR McALLISTER: AN INVESTIGATION

Firstly, Mr McAllister looks like 'a fucking bum' 😒😒:

He is wearing a crappy $15 shirt from some shitty miscellaneous big box store. 

He is also sporting the painted-on smile of a man who has made poor life choices. 

Unfortunately, his brother is also very poor. 😕😕

MRS McALLISTER: AN INVESTIGATION

Meanwhile, Mrs McAllister looks straight up sweetums, bb 😃😃:

It's also very telling to this author that Mrs McAllister not only settles the bill with the pizza delivery bro, she also takes the time to 'shoot the shit' with this random minimum wage dingdong. Mrs McAllister has the comfortable demeanour of a successful person who is 'willing to listen to the little people but ultimately does not care'.

Subtle undertones of a relationship where the power balance is heavily skewed. 

Mrs McAllister also mentions that the whole trip to Paris shindig is because her husband has been transferred or something. 

Sort of feel like big important businessmen (specialising in business) don't get transferred - they go where they want to go. 

He has not been promoted. He has been transferred.

It's a bit like your other half is 'working' in some 'utterly bullshit industry' (Etsy / notonthehighstreet.org / something to do with decoupage) that constantly runs at a loss, and you're paying to keep it afloat, but if it keeps your other half happy - whatevs.

Also, see David Beckham funding Victoria Beckham's 'fancypants clothing range'. 
Anything for a quiet life.

THE McALLISTERS: CONCLUSION

Accepting all of this as truth, I speculate that Mrs McAllister runs some high-end clothing company; that's why the house is filled with mannequins.

At the start of this post it seemed 'impossible' that she was the provider of the family's vast wealth, but that is why we investigate this stuff:

To learn. 

To LOL.

Let's have a VERY BRIEF Q&A.

Q&A

Are you the 'dead weight' in your relationship, hoping your partner pays for _____?

If you had a blank cheque from your very wealthy other half, what 'fucking bullshit' business venture would you start with 0 consequence should it fail?

a) Stained glass windows?

b) Yoga for pets?

c) Oh wow like LEGO Technic limbs for broken pets? 😮😮

d) Plants?

e) 1st World Christmas tree decorations made out of 3rd World bullets / mines?
f) Expensive pasta. £100 for 100g. It is multi-coloured.

Christmas truly is the most magical time of the year. 

Thank you, clean Caucasian Jesus. <3 <3

UK POLITICS: LET'S LEARN ABOUT PRITI PATEL 🤔🤔

I was watching Priti Patel ride-along with a police raid like 3 months ago. It was dark so I'm guessing it was quite early in the morning and the operation was going down deep in the Modern Urban Environment / 'miscellaneous crappy inner city area' where her crew were going to seriously bust up some County Lines drug biz. 

Priti was All Ghillied Up in a bullet-proof vest and flanked by loads of her police bois. They were equipped with tactical gear, cool hats, guns, and the round tube hammer thing they use to breach doors. A reporter questioned one of the police, insinuating that the whole thing was some bullshit press photo-op. 

"No way, man, Priti's legit," the police replied. (I'm paraphrasing.) "I've had previous Secretary of State's come on a raid just once in their entire term. That's a photo-op. Priti's been on 5 this year. She just loves fucking shit up."

Priti Patel seems like a pretty chill bro. I was watching an interview with her yesterday where she was asked what her plans were over Christmas. Is she onboard with Boris' 5 Day Festive Period Twat-Around? Will she be seeing her family? 

"I will be on call," she said. "I will also be visiting my police bois on the front-line because crime never sleeps and neither does The Prit. Once my duties are done I will be having a small family gathering with my core peeps." 

Seems kind of decent of her. 

She's also been called out for bullying in the workplace, to which she offered no excuse. "Yeah I bully a motherfucker - so what? Don't be a dweeb." 
Most people would've resigned but Priti Patel is like, "No."

Wikipedia states that she is:

• Down with getting rid of the smoking ban. 😀😀
• Cool with capital punishment. 😮😮
• Not cool with gay marriage. 😕😕
• Not cool with Extinction Rebellion. 🐢👎
• Not cool with BLM.  ✊🏿👎

There's also some stuff about Israel, but unfortunately I do not understand the situation nor am I willing to learn.

At the start of this post I thought Priti Patel seemed like a pretty chill bro; what's not to like about a 4'4" woman straight up busting heads for the lols? Unfortunately, during my investigations I have learned that she is 'a bit mental' and this blog will not be endorsing her for any situations nor for any future co-branding opportunities and that decision is absolutely final, y'all. 

You dun goofed, Patel. You dun goofed. 

Q&A
What would you do if The Prit smashed your door / face in?
I think a cool catchphrase for her post-arrest could be, "You're pretty fucked now, hey?" (Not really a question.)

I think she has a right potty-mouth but I'm not really basing that on anything. (Not really a question.)
If you were being bullied in the workplace would you:
a) Complain to middle management?
b) Lock yourself in the toilet and 'hope that it will all go away'?
c) Take time off for emotional distress / get free money?
d) Rap battle [via 8 Mile factory lunch break scene]?

Should I re-open negotiations for exciting co-branding opportunities between Priti and iamawaingyourereading? I was thinking about a cool suit made out of words. Or a biscuit tin.

I have composed this delicate and vulnerable Haiku now:

Priti.

Petite warrior princess.

Draped in your armour of a nice suit,

and military assault vest.

iamawaitingyourereading © 2020

FOOTBALL MAN

'Jeezlouise'. After our last astonishingly powerful piece of investigative journalism where we briefly touched upon football the emails have been coming in thick and fast. My team and I have had literally dozens of emails and 1 (primitive Old Media) paper letter from Neanderthal concerned members of the football community; specifically football man players who play football. 
The letter was written in crayon :-[ sadface

There were so many fucking expletives so I've tried to fucking clean it up as much as I can. Every dog has his day and all that. I'm absolutely aghast. 

'Jesus Christ'. A real potty mouth on this kid :-[ 

Here's a brief transcript from this rigmarole. 

Absolute degenerate. 

NSFW

-----

I always wanted to be a football man.

Kicking the ball.

Dribbling the ball to the end zone to win The Prize. 

I am doing a corner kick now.

I hope that the coach sees me - but moar importantly - he sees my potential.

I am a football boy now but I would like to be a fully-fledged football man (broad with too-dark eyebrows for her complexion / car that is okay / house in a secure environment where the insurance premium is too much but 'I have a lot of expensive shit' so I don't mind paying the premium even though the excess is a bit _____.)

Man, I could kick a football ball into orbit. 

It will circle the Earth's circumference for a thousand years because I have kicked it so high but also very very accurately.

I am just doing some football, y'all.

I am playing football now.

"Eff you, ref," I speak the words. "Double Hitler. You are a bad referee man, man. That biz was totally legit."

(I call him a cunt too. Fortunately, there is no YouTube footage so this biz will pass.)

Furious with the 'state of the game' right now.

I am kicking the ball.

I am good at kicking the ball.

I can win The Prize.

Sometimes I think of the sometimes when my bros and I were 'just having a kick around'. Oi oi.

'Doing some shit' at our local Leisure Centre. Oi. 

We were just crazy mixed-up kids back then; I never thought that my football skills could take me to such great heights but here I am playing a game of football.

I am flying without wings.

I am 3 lions on the shirt.

I can kick a football. 

I kick the football.

It is like I do not know if I am coming or going, y'all.

I can kick a football all the way to the curve of the Earth's horizon sunset, but will it bring me peace? My heart is a black and white hexagonal ball.

I am lacing my boots very very carefully.

I am checking my shin pads and stuff.

Football.

I runaround the football pitch for 10 thousand miles then return to the dug out and stare at myself in a mirror for like 10mins.

"Did you win The Prize?" my reflection asks.

"I did my best," I reply.

"Not good enough, fucko."

"I did my best."

"Not good enough, fucko."

"..."

Fuck football >:-[ angryface

I always wanted to be a football man.

-----

Oh wow. After that touching insight into the very mind of a football man I feel pretty whatevs about it. Time for a quick Q&A?

Q&A

Who gives an eff about football? (This question is rhetorical. The answer is, similar to the broad from Game of Thrones, 'No one'.)

I am so ashamed when these knuckle-draggers plod their way through Europe to 'support the team to win The Prize'. That's why I mostly pretend I'm not English when I go on holiday. For reals; be it Gatwick Airport or bumblefuck-middle-of-nowhere in Asia, I always speak words in a miscellaneous European accent. (Not really a question.) 

WTF is Love Island? I feel that football men and the broads that they have on that show are in a symbiotic relationship. (Not really a question.)

Are you football?

xx

(2 kisses.)

WHAT WOULD YOUR BOXING NAME BE?

Tyson Fury seems a pretty legit name for a boxer. At first I was a bit like yeah right, dude, that's not your real name but then I checked on Wikipedia and turns out it is. Wow.

It's made me think very seriously about what I'd rebrand myself as if I were to 'step into the ring to fuck someone up'. Yeah okay might be a bit late in the day as I'm 36, but with the correct name/brand and training montage I could be 'ready to rumble' in a month or so :-] 
It'd be like that film where the guy did the thing. 

Anyways, to have a puncher's chance I need to nail down this name/branding solution. I've been riffing on some cool ideas:

David Sledgehammer
Big Willie Punch
Kung Fu Man
Effing Boxing Man
Alex 'The Kid' Man
Volcano Pete
Slow-Eyed Paul

What do you think? (Please only constructive criticism or I will report you.)

Seems pretty _____ of the parents to name their child this way. With a name like Tyson Fury he was unlikely to have a sweet career in insurance, so might have missed out on some great experiences in a friendly office environment. If you named your daughter Buffy 2 Breasts she is unlikely to become a scientist and is more likely to have a sad career in pornography/Etsy :-[ sadface


Q&A
What would your boxing man name be?
This weeks meme seems to be The Women's World Cup Championship Prize (For Football Women) but unfortunately savvy content consumers are reluctant to embrace this product. Should Old Media stop banging on about women's football and accept that it's 'basically crap'?
Obvs football for men is also garbage. (Not really a question.)
Are all sports other than Mario Kart zzz boring?

Instead of dull human vs human combat I'd really like to see some brutal cockfight-themed contest, similar to Pokémon, where things can get redonk. Imagine a fight between a human and a giraffe. Or a robot vs two robots. 

PROTECT THE PLANET, Y'ALL

From what I understand our planet is fucked :-[ sadface

Come. Let us reflect:

• Redonk Greenhouse Gas emissions
• Unchill polar ice caps
• Decline of popular animals (tiger cat, elephant etc)
• Decline of 'crap' animals (wasp)
• Failure of government to take the situation seriously

I am v worried. I am v furious.

To this end we're starting an amazing and cool new charity called 'EFF POLLUTION'. It'll be in ALL CAPS because, as everyone knows, caps lock is cruise control for cool B-]

Now, there's several things that you can do as a self-aware content consumer in the 1st World and savvy reader of iam_____. 
We need someone to design a logo. Unfortunately, this exciting opportunity will be unpaid, but we can offer you 10 exposure and obviously it'll look amazing on your portfolio; possibly leading to further exciting opportunities at BuzzFeed / primitive printed media outlet. (This will also be unpaid.)

We also need a rad tagline; something that The Kids can really get behind. We've been riffing on some ideas at the office and we think that we've narrowed it down to some really punchy options. Here are the options now:

EFF POLLUTION

Save the polar bears. Kill yourself.

EFF POLLUTION

The future is in the future.

EFF POLLUTION

Plastic bag? No thanks, bb!

Cut Greenhouse Gas emissions. Nuke Punjab.

If you think everything will be okay please think again, idiot.

Stop deforestation. Trees are people too.


Q&A
Do you care about the planet?
Do you not care about the planet?
Sometimes I see these doods protesting about climate change and they just seem straight up annoying, so I regularly leave my flat with the central heating turned up all the way to the max and I also leave all the windows open :-] (Not really a question.)

The time for moderate protest / peaceful cupcake sale is over. We, as a species, must lower our carbon footprint via any means necessary - be that by limiting our consumption of red meat or by simply combining the entire resources of the entire planet into one great big huge milkshake and throwing it at The Man.
Absolutely very livid right now and I will be sending a very strongly worded email to my local MP.

Furious right now >:-[ but I've taken the time to compose myself and compose this delicate Haiku.

World.
We only have 1 world.
Please recycle your _____.
iamawaitingyourereading © 2019

POLICE COMMUNITY SUPPORT OFFICERS

Y'all. My team and I had literally dozens of emails after our last explosive post of cutting edge journalism investigating those mixed up kids doing wheelies on their bikes. 

Call them punks. 

Call them dweebs.

Call the police?

Obvs 111 casual emergency services, or @sussex_police Twitter tag thing, or direct dialling your local police station is a 'complete fucking waste of time' so all expedited reports must flow via 999 emergency services. It could be dialling in a very serious act of terrorism or just complaining about some tramp who is looking very suspicious. You can also dial 999 to report a group of miscellaneous teenagers you don't like the look of; just sex it up a bit and state that they're 'dealing marijuana amphetamine' or about to start a fight and you should have a police-branded vehicle upon your location in a couple of mins :-] happyface

Anyways, some Community Support Police Officer bro was tremendously vocal with his criticism on our last post and here is his feedback:

----- 

I always wanted to be a policeman.

My peers at primary school always wanted to be an astronaut / cowboy but I wanted to serve my community. To make a diff.

I have trained very hard. Half marathons? No probs. 

I consistently deliver a 10min mile. Even with a full-kit of nice hat & pepper spray I can clear a mile in 9mins.

My son asks me if I am a hero.

"No, son," I reply. "I am not a hero. Just a bro. Trainee police. A Community Support Officer."

(He looks disappoint.)

I trained so hard! But hold up something is wrong.

:-[ sadface

At this point in my career I'd been jerking off in the male man cubicle religiously every Tues and Thurs, but now they have these transgender sexless toilets so I just masturbate all over the place and 'hope for the best'.

Once I graduated from policeman school I realised that I'd 'made some very poor life-choices'.

There is no £££ here. 

Fuck.

After years of austerity under _____ government there was no bank.

My exe wife keeps pestering me for £££, and I have told her like 10 times to back off, but bitch keeps on phoning. How can I pay Child Support when my fridge is empty? You dirty whore. I have a half of yesterday's carbonara and some Darylea Jumbo Tubes.

My first day on the job I was liek OMG, but now things are pretty sweetums.

I answer the telephone.

Theft. No thank you.

Miscellaneous disturbance. Please hold.

Unless someone's legit about to be murdered I mostly just chill in the office all day, dicking around on Facebook and spinning around on my rad posture correction chair. Man, I only leave the station to 'grab a bite' or to play Pokémon Go. (Gotta catch 'em all, bb!)

I always wanted to be a policeman.

-----

Well I feel a lot more chill about the situation after that transcript. Let's do a brief Q&A to round this post off hmmm?

Q&A

Are you police?

I'm really wondering for real one time if these Community Support Officers are being paid, or if it's some BS Pyramid Scheme, where exposure / 'this'll look great on your CV' shenanigans is going down. Worried.

Should our UK police be armed?

a) gun

b) taser

c) tactical nuclear device

xx

(2 kisses.)