OH, 2016. WHAT ARE YOU?

Highly trained scientists and unemployed post-grads have concluded that years from now, when we're all old and grey, we'll look back at 2016 as the moment things went wrong. 
Come. Let us reflect:

• Death of popular celebs.
• Irreversible climate change.
• Polar bear decimation / soggy penguin.
• Bee decimation / Colony Collapse Syndrome.
• Whatevs launch of Ecksbawks One and PS4.
• Private space shuttle-bro's space shuttle explodes.
• 'Visionary director' Zack Snyder's Batman Vs Superman.
• 'Mental' North Korean nuclear test Vs UN sanctions.
• The £ dropping off into the Mariana's Trench. 

Really, the only good thing that came out of this year is that Leo got his Oscar (and my cat got the all clear from the vet). So where do we go from here, y'all?

As you're no doubt aware the average iamawaitingyourereading reader (nearly 400k obvs) is savvy enough to just 'switch off from the negative vibrations', spend more time on the internet, and buy more things. That's okay for US but what about THEM? We're all in this together; be that Ryan Shrew from Southampton with +15% body fat or Chun Li from China (?) with the Spinning Bird Kick. We have a responsibility as self-aware content consumers living in the modern urban environment to assist our peers and let them know, "Everything will sort itself out :-] happyface."

To this end I've put together a 5 step plan to remedy the situation. Tell a friend. Then that friend will tell a friend. Then that friend will tell a friend. Then, like ripples in a pond, positive vibes and chillwaves will restore our collective species' situation:

1) Ignore All Issues - Obvs the best way to resolve a problem is to ignore it until it sorts itself out.

2) Derail Think Pieces - Intellectual circle jerks have got us, as a species, nowhere. Best thing to do in these situations is spam all threads with cat .gifs.

3) Get A Cat - From what I understand, cats don't care for many things straight off the bat. If you can convince the cat that it cares for you (or can convince yourself that the cat is convinced) then everything is okay.

4) MP3s - Cultivate a strong MP3 library that represents your personal brand; be that reggae music for minimum wage coffee shop-bros, strong female role model broad MP3, or bleepbloop MP3 from Soundcloud - you just do you.

5) The Universe Is HUGE - The universe is huge. It's all a storm in a tea cup.

Q&A

Are you worried about the future?

Are you 'pretty whatevs' about the future?

Do you remember when David Bowie died and everyone was like, "HOW CN KAYNE WEST STILL B ALIV?!!!" Not really a question, but there was a lot of salt that week.

Would you kill a polar bear to save a polar bear?

Should all political situations, regardless of democracy, just be voted on by peeps who actually understand the situaition?

Clinton or Trump? (Oh Gawd we haven't even got to that yet.)

Are 'next generation' consoles just crap PCs?

Are Apple PCs just expensive PCs (but with better branding / customer support)?

Should DC just sell the rights to Batman to Marvel?

These are great days we're living in. Fast internet. Nice skin care products. Loads of competitive prices on the highstreet. Enjoy it, y'all. Savior it, you all.

We might be fighting over a can of tuna come next year.

xoxox

(kiss hug kiss hug, and then a final kiss.)

THE SORT OF STEVIE NICKS HAT PERSONAL BRAND

From what I understand the Sort of Stevie Nicks Hat personal branding solution is going to be huge this summer, with ASOS selling them by the pallet-load and even miscellaneous crappy high street chains like River Island trying to monetise the situation. So what does this mean for us as self-aware members of the 1st World? Let's reflect:

There's something utterly timeless about Fleetwood Macs and specifically Stevie Nicks. Their MP3s teach us that it's okay to effing be yourself; be that refusing to comb your hair, being chill with extramarital affairs, or simply living in a swamp [via American Horror Story: Coven]. This foundation creates a really sustainable platform to sell products to broads aged 25 - 35 or to bros who can play the guitar okay. The wonderful thing about the Sort of Stevie Nicks Hat personal branding solution is that you can double down on looking mysterious. So many people are going to think that you keep a diary and maybe had a poem published back in the day; or at the very least you've thought about lava lamps at some point or another. 

The thing is that we're all put here for a reason and there's no reason why you can't look redonk sweetums while doing so. 
Sometimes you just need to wander through the modern urban environment sorting through the complex emotions in your head. 
Sometimes you just want to binge watch Netflix. 


Q&A
Will you be co-branding your situation with this situation?
Is felt made from an animal? Mole?
In a drum off between Mick Fleetwood and the bro from My Red Hot Chilli Pepper who would be the most whatevs?
Is the Flatcap Hat personal branding solution sooo 2014?
The great thing about hats is that you can only wear 1 at a time. You can wear like 3 jackets and 10+ bracelets at once, but you really have to commit to a hat. (Not really a question.)

In this post I've been exploring my relationship with fashion as a self-aware member of the 1st World.

xxx
(3 kisses.)