AN ENGLISHMAN IN BANGKOK 5

Brothers. Sisters. 'Sort of feel tired now.
This one needs to get it's zzz on.

Hullo, the internet. My name's Adam and today I'd like to talk to you about travelling and shit.

This is me travelling and shit on en elephant.
'Not sure who the broad to my right is.

As you know - I am a bro. 
I am a bro who loves him some situations.
'Sort of feel like I've done too many situations and need some nap time now.

The hot springs. 

The White Temple. 

The Golden Triangle. 

The Lao's.

The border. 

The booze.

The Long Neck tribe.
The orchid farm (feat. butterflies).

The water rafting.

The ox car riding.

The elephant riding.

The booze.

The elephant variety show. (Think X-Factor, but with less sob stories and moar elephants.)

The booze.

The Elephant Show. There's lots of win here. You've got 2 with
holahoops, 2 standing with holahoops, and 2 with harmonicas.

'Sort of feel tired now.

So today I'm hibernating. 
'Working from home'.
Tmw, I leave the confident security of the hotel and head into 'the shit'. 

I've signed up for a trek. 
Basically, you buddy up with a bunch of brothers and sisters and a guide bro and head off the grid for a few days.
I leave 9am tmw morning. Well up for.
'Sounds a little like a Walkabout. (re: Paul Hogan as Crocodile Dundee but hopefully less career destroying.)

'Seems like everyone here's trying to find the most authentically authentic Thailand experience that ______฿ can buy. It also seems like everyone's chasing each other around from situation to situation looking for 'the real shit' or 'stuff that's not touristy' or 'stuff that's not fucking gay'.

Maybe on the trek I will finally, finally find myself. 
Maybe I will finally be able to look at The Man in the Mirror, and Make That Change, and finally come to terms with The Way That You Make Me Feel.
Maybe it will be a Thriller.
(Those were Michael Jackson songs.)

A member of the Long Neck tribe keeping it casual.

Anyways, it's kind of weird here.

The Thai's have a real casual attitude to health and safety and all that noise. 
They whiz from A to B on their little mopeds and hope for the best.
No helmets.
No road tax. (This one thinks.)
They just jump on their little mopeds and do what they have to do.

Some moped bros 'sticking it to The Man'.

It's not that they don't value their lives; I think it's that we - The White Roundeye Devil. The Honky - value ours too much.

In England we're especially guilty. We're all brought up to be our parent's unique and special little snowflake.
We are number one son.
We are a perfect daughter.
I think this is why so many people have potentially fatal unrealistic expectations about life and chronic unwarranted self-importance.
"We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't." (re: the Fighting Club.)

True story.

Over here - they just get on with it.
They keep it casual.

A member of the Cat Face tribe keeping it casual.

'Sort of admire them for that.

Anyways, gtg. I met a pair of bros and we've been totally shutting down this pool table in the backpackers quarter. 'Generating lots of street credibility.
Lots of respect.
#respect.

We 'utterly humiliated' a bunch of Europeans :) happyface.
But then we got our ass handed to us by this Thai broad :( sadface.

WHAT HAVE WE LERNED?

• Chiang Mai has more tiedye per square mile than any other place on Earth [citation needed].
• Thai women hate to lose >:( angryface.
• 'Still not sure about 'Thai Massages'? If anyone knows whether it's a pretence for sex, please let this one know because it has a sore shoulder and kind of needs it fixed but kind of doesn't want to 'get fucked'.
• There's lots of jelly belly, alabaster skinned Brits here who walk around topless. 'Feels bad, man.
• You can't wear vests, shorts, or short skirts into temples. If you're going on a Wat missions then dress appropriately.
• I had a Big Mac here and it was a thing of beauty. Almost - almost - looked like the photo. #tasteofhome #hashtag.
• I don't think they 'get' Westerner food. Don't - don't - order fish and chips. You will be disappoint.
• Malaria tablets give you a dicky tummy.
• That is all.

LITTLE LOL: PROSTITUTION

Brothers. Sisters. 'Not sure how I feel about prostitution.
'Not sure if this one 'gets' it.
Why would I pay a sister to make it feel good (re: touching the willy)?

'Same with the lapdance.
The strip club.
'Not sure if it's my 'scene'.
It's not my scene.

Why? Am I missing something?

Sort of feel liek a bro.
Sort of feel like our attraction should be mutual (re: a poem shared between lovers). 
If not - then, sister - what's your situation?
Who's paying who?
#confused.

I think this one would rather not pay 'for sex'.
My usual MO goes like this:
"Do you like kittens?" I say.
"Yes. (re: Thai for yes ((in this situation.))"
"Okay. Kewl," I say. "Well this one has a kitten."
"Okay. 500 Bhat."
"Sister," I reply. "Maybe something got lost in translation." (re: the major motion picture, Lost in Translation).

'Not sure if I 'get' it.
The prostitution, I means.

Maybe we could bond over music.
"What's your favourite band?"
Maybe we could bond over films and multimedia.
"What's your favourite film? Wes Anderson? Kewl."
Maybe a video game.
But - shit - any penis and vagina combination can enjoy sex. What about feelings and stuff?

I've seen the major motion picture Show Girls. Being a whore in that seemed pretty lulzy. ('Not seen Striptease, but I think it had pretty much the same message.)
IRL, not so much.

'Not sure if I 'get' it.
The prostitution, I means.

LITTLE LOL: DEXTER'S WIFE (IN DEXTER)

Just working my way through the major American television drama series, Dexter atm. 

Season 1 was pretty legit. We establish that Dexter is a bro. 
He's a serial killer - but omg - he's a forensic man, too?! 
But they normally catch serial killers not be them. 
Fuck. What a juxtaposition / conflict of interest.

Season 2 was much the same. 

Season 3 not so much. Dexter's Mrs, Rita, really starts to stink the situation up.

Season 4 I ask myself, "Why is she in the show?"
This is a major American television drama series, which we just established is about a serial killer - but omg - he's a forensic man, too.
Maybe it's to show a 'human' and 'relatable' side to Dexter's character? 
But then he has his sister for that.
Maybe he should buy a puppy?

All Rita does is bitch and moan. Just let a bro do what he has to do. That's what I 'tune in' for (re: internet piracy).
Not an hour of;
"No, Dexter."
"We need to talk, Dexter."
"Family comes first. The kids!"
"No, Dexter."
"No, Dexter."
"We need to talk, Dexter." 
"No, Dexter."
"Family comes first. The kids!"
"No, Dexter."
"No, Dexter."
"We need to talk, Dexter." 
"We need to talk, Dexter." 
"We need to talk, Dexter." 
"We need to talk, Dexter." 

Sort of feel that she needs to die now. Nothing too brutal (re: THE KIDS!!!1) but definitely a permanent and irreversible death (re: no flashbacks, no 'going on a break / an emotional reunion', and no ghost chitchats).

Maybe John Lithgow will come through (re: Trinity Murderer targets a woman with 2 kids to start the cycle. Sort of remember Rita has kids)?

Do it, John. Kill her dead.
Do it for Adam.

This one hopes so.

This one hopes so.

AN ENGLISHMAN IN BANGKOK 4

Sort of feel bad for the Long Neck tribe.
Feel like their life is like living in the circus - like the major pop juggernaut by Britney Spears - Circus.

Come. See the Long Neck tribe.
See it's curious ways.
Feel the feel of it's neck rings (via making the long neck).
Look into its eyes. It sees you. But does yous sees it?

It's a human zoo.
Sort of feel bad for the Long Neck tribe.

This broad is a member of the Long Neck tribe.
You can tell because she has a long neck.

So I signs up for one of these package tour things. 

My ex would hate it. 

Disturbing the balance of the native, honest, traditionally native folk.

Point and click the camera. "Did you get a good shot? Post that shit to Facebawks."

Are their traditional values being exploited?

Exploitation.

Situations.

But realistically - who's taking advantage of who?

I mean we paid good money to be here. She just sits there with a long neck and shit.

'Do something, you long necked bitch.'
'It does what it does.'

Today, I've squeezed in a lot of situations. None of these situations feel very legit though.

Like much of the stuff here - it's a tourist trap.

You see the same poor fuckers attempting to shift the same situations.

Over and over and over and over again.

Jade elephants.

Jade Buddhas.

Jade turtles.

(It's a wonder this country has any jade left.)

Fake silver bracelets.

Dried flowers. Dried flower garlands.

100% cotton T's with iconic Thai imagery.

Wooden frogs, which croak as you tickle them.

Wooden snakes, which oscillate as you pull them.

(It's a wonder this country has any pride left.)

Feels to this one like it's sort of whoring itself out (via Apocalypse Now).

So today, I've squeezed in a lot of situations. The hot springs. The White Temple. The Golden Triangle. The border. The Long Neck tribe.

All in all - it's been a pretty sweet day.

But sort of feel bad for the Long Neck tribe.

A hot spring.
That is all.

Feel like the 'hot spring' is acually a heated pool of water with a pump underneath. (In fact, I know it is. I saw the plumbing. I used to work in an aquarium so I know smoke and mirrors when I see it. Sorry. This blog is honest.)

The White Temple.

^ is probably the tackiest, most nasty thing I've ever seen.
Think some broad outside a club at 3am.
Think Gaga or Katy or Ke$ha has a 'challenging' new bra.
Some whitewashed, plaster cast and split mirror monolith - which bleeds out from the ground like a sparkly STD.
Inside it had, like, frescos of Batman and Angry Birds. I shit you not.

Whisky distilled through the corpse of a King Cobra.
I also drank some tiger penis concoction. Casual.

In Lao's, they offer you whisky distilled (via various animal carcasses). 
The snake.
The turtle.
The tiger.
The armadillo.
The whole gang's here.
Mostly my tour was full of 'gay fags' who wouldn't touch any of the exotic alcoholols. I sampled all those situations. As I do so, my eyes meet with this beautiful sister from Japan. She sports one of those long, flowing oriental robes. 
This Italian bro on the tour with us says that I have the yellow fever. 
I don't say that he has the shit taste in the music. I can hear it leak through his headphones. Think stereotypical Euro pop with the boom tsss boom tsss boom tsss boom tsss boom tsss boom tsss boom tsss boom tsss boom tsss boom tsss boom tsss boom tsss.

The village where the Long Neck live. Personally, I think that
it's all for show and they live in regular houses miles away.

Anyways - later I feed some sick kitten some food which this one robbed from the buffet. This cements the bond that this Japanese woman and this one share. 'Turns out that sister's coming to study in the UK later this year to do some masters degree in law or something.
O rly?
Very nice indeed.

The little bro who opened a hundred doors.

WHAT HAVE WE LERNED?

• Does anyone know why Google Chrome and Google search have different spell check algorithms? Seems like they should be the same.
• The Long Neck necklace things are heavy. At least 2kg.
• Broads love kittens. Marc, we were right.
• Whisky with dead animals and stuff tastes pretty much the same as without dead animals and stuff.
• Package tours are a great 'foot in the door' but also pretty fail.
• Originally, the Long Neck broads wore the necklaces to protect them from tiger bites. Now, it's mostly for teh lols.
• It's almost rude not to drink booze from the hotel mini bar. A big bottle of beer costs £1.60ish. Win.
• That is all.

LITTLE LOL: THAILAND'S TRAINS

I don't know what Thai is for 'sexy bitch' but Kooky is a sexy bitch. 

Today's Little Lol is brought to you (via Thailand's trains).

Bangkok's main train station. I feel like it should be bigger.
Liek Victoria or something. 

I meet Kooky on the train from Bangkok to Chiang Mai. Kooky looks like some anime cartoon came to life and learned how to use eye liner. She has short bangs which flank her face to either side. Kooky isn't her real name, of course. She has one of those half-assed, 'sort-of-in-the-right-ballpark' names, which Asians seem to adopt around Westerners.
In addition to being hawt, she also hooks this one up some work for my return to Bangkok. 
Basically, I teach 'the kids' English and shit and peel away the many layers of mystery and mistrust which cling to the 'white devil' - and in return I get to tag along with them on tours and activities. 
Seems legit.

Anyways - Thailand's Trains.
They're kind of a fucking lollercoaster.
Maybe they are the living embodiment of a lollercoaster?
It's amateur night.

In England we have a hissy fit if a train is delayed by 5mins. (I know this. I have been that guy.) 
My train was delayed by 1hour +. "We're making good time today," she says.
Sister, I don't think we are. Not at all.

You have to book the train in advance.
You cannot 'turn up on the day and hope for the best'.
If you do, you will be walking. Or worse - stuck in Bangkok. 
Oh noes.

Oh, and the journey took like 13 hours. Disgusting. 
The staff offer you food like they're testing Mars for signs of life.
Will these parameters be acceptable?
Is the test subject still responsive?
Is he actually eating that slop?

I don't even know what munch they served up. Think a stale Pot Noodle with a fig roll crushed over the top.

This one doesn't recommend it.

Anyways, tying my flag to the mast of this language school thing seems like a good idea. They have 1 tutor to 15 kids and I absolutely tower above them (via being a strong white male. Like Fred Durst).

Goodnight, the internet. I love you. <3 heart symbol.

* 'Sexy bitch' in Thai is ตัวเมียเซ็กซี่. 'Not sure how to pronounce that. Shame. Real shame.

LITTLE LOL: NIVEA WHITENING CREAM (FOR MEN)

Hullo, the internet. My names Adam and today I'd like to introduce you to an exciting new feature of iamawaitingyourereading - the Little Lol. 

Little Lol is a small fun-sized post where:

A) I can't be bothered to write a longer one. 
Or
B) I can't be bothered to write a longer one.

Today's Little Lol is brought to you by Nivea Whitening Cream (For Men). 

This is a legitimate product.
It's marketed towards Asian men. ('Not sure why women don't get to play.)
Tbh, I'm a little wtf. As a strong Caucasian man with a thunderous Caucasian penis this makes me feel a bit weird. Isn't this racist?

While we're being racist - why don't they just call it Anti-Chinky Cream (For Yellow Men)? Aren't Asians supposed to be good at computers and stuff? Can't they just Photoshop themselves whiter?

Here's one I made with no formal training.

Would you change colour?
If 'yes' - which colour?
If 'no' - why?
Should everyone just be 'happy the way they are' (unless they're ugly or fat or a gurl with small bewbs)?

Tough questions. Tough questions.

Remember you can't spell 'Caucasian' without 'Asian'.
Maybe we're moar similar than we think.
Interesting.

AN ENGLISH MAN IN BANGKOK 3

"What time's breakfast?" I ask the woman on the front desk.
     "February."

Y'know how when you travel - you don't have to learn the native lingo because 'everybody speaks English'?  Well that doesn't work so well.

Hullo, the internet. My name's Adam and today I'd like to talk to you about travelling and shit.

I am a bro. 

I am a bro who wonders why the Chiang Mai Night Market is at night. I mean, idk, it opens at 6pm and closes at 11pm. 'Seems like silly opening hours to me.

But then - I'm a stranger in a strange land.

I am a bro.

The heat and humidity hit you like some viscous wall. 
Like a hot towel draped across your body. 
Your brow becomes slick with beads of sweat. 
Your penis becomes flaccid. ('Not sure what happens to vaginas.)
You can taste the humidity. Feel it on your skin. 
During the day - it's too hot to think. Too hot to barter. This is why the Chiang Mai Night Market is at night. 

(Normally I'd have a photo of the Night Market here

with a lulzy caption. The internets' aren't great in this hotel so I can't upload stuff :( sadface.)

But I'm getting ahead of myself. 
I should probably start at the beginning.
I guess in a roundabout kind of way that this holiday situation is a 'business trip'. (I mean, I wasn't planning to do a lot of business - much like 'working from home' - but it's actually been fantastic from a business pov.) I've found some superb suppliers for when I return to England.

For those of you who don't know me (massive shout out ((type out?)) to my brothers and sisters reading from the US. Did you know that most of this blog's traffic comes from the US? This blog is international) I'm self employed and sell personalised wooden gifts. I engrave pictures and names onto these wooden gifts (via pyrography via superhugedino).

When asked, on administrative pieces of paper and shit, what my profession is - I write 'craftworker'. 

I could write 'artist' but I don't want to be a dick about it. 

Anyways, in addition to my wooden dreams, I also sell little odds and sods from India. I've found some excellent stuff over here. It's all Fair Trade from local fuckers and legit. 

(Think photograph of little handmade elephants, squat teddy bears

made out of recycled fabric, and other authentic objets d'art. Real Bon Marché.)

There's also a UPS in the Night Market, so it's completely viable to buy a load of crap and then send it back to wherever home is. (Example: 10kg is about £40 and takes 2 weeks. Fully insured. With tracking number. They also offer airmail, but the price rises sharply. Don't thank me - I just want to help. This blog is helpful. To help is its own reward <3 heart symbol.)

Moar importantly I found an awesome bar in the middle of the Night Market. 

Lured in by honky-tonk covers of classic rock, I find possibly the honkiest bar in all of Chiang Mai. So many white people; packpackers keeping it casual, cool dads bobbing their heads to the kick beat, and women on the wrong side of 40 laughing too loud. Give it up, sister. Your flower has wilted. Shhh now. 

It's an open jam night run by this Thai bro called Boi. Boi looks like Hendrix circa Electric Ladyland but minus the afro. Boi has a mess of curly black hair and a smile which shines like the sun. Boi is a ferocious guitarist and introduces me to the local Chang brand beer. 
Boi loves music, situations, and lols. 
Boi absolutely loves it.

Also playing is some Australian bro called Moon Dog. (His name is Moon Dog, he plays a song called Moon Dog, and wears a T shirt with a silhouette of a moon and a dog. Such a strong personal brand.)

Also playing is some American guy who fucking sucks.

I meet a bro called Ollie from Cambridge who's on a mission to save the world. 
He must save the children. 
He must save the impoverished masses. 
He must save the world. I dated a woman once who loved all that noise, so I can sort of chat shop with him. 

• We must all put our weapons down and form One Nation. 
• If a bro has a gun in one hand and a hand grenade in the other hand, then that bro cannot shake hands with another bro :( sadface.
• Make a change. 
• Be the change. 
• JUSTICE!!!1 

(You get the idea.)

I meet a sister called Noah who works between London and Bangkok. Like me, she is a 30 year old child. Like me, she doesn't much care for Bangkok.

Noah looks like Tia Carrere circa Waynes World. She's a Thai native but speaks with a thick London accent. Go figure. She points me in the direction of some lively hostels just by the City Gate. Atm, I've mostly stayed in snoozefest, zzz, boring hotels. I need to mix it up. Like The Boss, I need a little of that human touch.

I am a bro.
I am a bro who loves me some of that honky-tonk classic rock.


WHAT HAVE WE LERNED?

• I think that I misjudged Tuk Tuk drivers. I've taken a couple now (via the hotel to the city) and they've both been legit.
• Chang brand beer gives you a wicked, nasty hangover.
• Ollie says this is because they don't regulate the booze content. Win.
• A regular hotel double room (think Premier Inn) costs about £12.
• Chiang Mai is lovely. Lots less cluttered than Bangkok.
• White people love hanging out with other white people. Like farm animals left in an open field - we group together. For safety. For lols. Forever.
• My 'travellers beard' is coming on nicely. 'Feel bohemian.
• When in a cab or Tuk Tuk - look about for landmarks to find your way back on foot. Shops and billboards and statues and stuff.
• That is all.

AN ENGLISHMAN IN BANGKOK 2

So not booking somewhere to stay in advance seemed like a real good idea at the time. As I walk around the streets of Bangkok alone at midnight without a fucking clue - maybe not so much. 

'Felt bad, man. 
'Felt bad.

I don't know anything about anything. I wander around for a long, long, long, long time. 

Maybe I was a bit cavalier about being able to find a hotel straight off the bat? (I was.) Or maybe it's because I'm new to this travel situation? (I am.) But for a while there I was royally fucked. 

'Felt bad, man.

Then I meet a bro who points me towards the Cozy Bangkok.

Seen here in the light of day. 'Stupid thing was that I'd walked
past this sign like 3 times already.

The Cozy Bangkok was literally - literally - just closing up as I went past. Like the innkeeper to the Joseph and to the Mary, the broad on the door tells me that they're all out of rooms. Instead of offering me the barn though, she says that all they have left is the Honeymoon Suite. Sold. Sold twice over - just let me in - please God just let me in.

This was my living room. £17.
Legit.

The next day I walk around the streets like Alice down the rabbit hole for hours before Sommset finds me and shows me the way. Sommset is a Thai native in his late 50's. Sommset is a Chinese Buddhist. Sommset is a bro. 

He shows me some pretty cool shit. Picture related.

Some pretty cool shit.

That statue weighs 5 tonnes and is 98% gold. It's the biggest solid gold statue in the world. You'll find it at Wat Traimit. (Wat means Temple. 'Dunno what Traimit means.) This blog is informative.

Wat Traimit.
(I took this photo at an angle to make it look cool.)

Sommet is a bro. He looks like a tortoise spent too much time in the sun, 'got real tanned, and then grew a wispy black beard to accessorise. He dresses in tan clothes and has a sweet pocket watch. He's on a fun-sized pilgrimage to go to a temple in the old city and to buy some crap for his son. "Would I like to come with him?" he says.

All my yes.

We weave our way through the streets and the markets of Bangkok and China Town. People use words like 'bustling,' 'crowded,' and 'chaotic.' These adjectives don't even touch the sides. It's moar like someone got 20 sets of Lego Technic and poured them out over concrete. 

It's absolute madness.

Pretty madness. But madness.

Bro's edge through rammed streets on cobbled together mopeds.
Chef's sell stuff that I'm not sure if it's vegetable, animal, or mineral.
Vendor's offer everything. Just anything and everything.
Tbf, I've only seen 1 brothel so far. Tbh, I'm not sure how I feel about paying for sex. I'm like, 'I look after kittens. I'm not bad looking. Does this one need to pay?' I'll see how that pans out. 

Sommset says, "China Town is one big market."
Sommset is a bro.

I've got to be honest, the internet. Part of me thought this was some scam. Like, maybe Sommset would betray the bond that exists between bros and lead me down some alleyway where I would be mugged, conned, or murder death killed. 'Feels bad that this is the wariness we have of a stranger's kindness in the West. Maybe we're kind of dicks. 

This is a holy tree. Folk's tie stuff onto it for some reason.
This one wasn't really paying attention.

Sommset's legit, though. We part company at the old city. He says I'll be okay. He says you can tell the tourists who're going to get into trouble. They wear baggy pants and sandals and look, "Like a stupid fuck," he says.

Not my photo, but you get the idea.

Anyways, I left Bangkok yesterday. I'm in Chiang Mai atm.

'Feels good, man.
'Feels good.


WHAT HAVE WE LERNED?

• Mostly, Thai's are pretty legit. I haven't had any grief yet.
• A curbside meal costs about £1 and is delicious!
• Booze is about £1.40ish for a large bottle of beer.
• Smokes are £1.40 - £1.80ish. (I'm smoking. When in Rome...)
• Tuk Tuk driver's are mostly dicks.
• There're lots of stray cats :( sadface.
• There're lots of stray dogs. #whocares #getlost
• That is all.

AN ENGLISHMAN IN BANGKOK

   "Are you going to Thailand to get fucked up?" they ask.
   "Are you going to Thailand to get relaxed zzz?" they ask.
   "Are you going to Thailand to find yourself, man?" they ask.
I guess the answer's all and none of the above. I mostly just want to do something else. Something different.

Travelling light. Keeping it legit.

I love Brighton - England, not so much - but I do love Brighton. It's home. But after awhile it's easy to take it for granted.

I guess going away for a spell draws a line and plants a fullstop at the end of 2012; then 2013 can begin properly. I did it last year when I went off to Toronto - and then when I came back - I appreciated home, life, love, and everything else inbetween a little bit more.

Hullo, the internet. My name's Adam and today I'd like to talk to you about travelling and shit.

So I packed. (via 40L packback £15 from Sport and Soccer. Probably going to break :( sadface.)
We had the leaving do. (OMG GOT SOOO DRUNK HAHA LOL!!!1 #YOLO #HASHTAG)
I left Brighton. (via coach.)
I'm sitting at the airport atm with some alcoholols - and soon - I'll be flying out. (via plane. That is all.)
Feels casual.

The cat helping me pack. Stupid cat is stupid.
(Miss you, cat :( sadface.)

I'm off for 6 weeks, which is a real casual amount of time from what I'm told. I should be able to do most of the situations I want to do in that time. What situations do I want to do?

I like temples and museums and stuff. I like animals (the moar retarded looking the better). I like breasts (the less retarded looking the better). And I like lols. So Thailand has a lot to offer.

Tbh, I haven't done my homework. I don't really know what I'm doing and in what order. Partially because I'm so cool and partially because I'm a sillybilly. (Mostly the sillybilly thing.)

I'm meeting friends in Cambodia.
I'm meeting friends in Bangkok.
I might meet friends in the last couple of weeks as I potter around the islands.
But most of the time I'm going solo. Like a boss.

Leaving do situations <3 heart symbol.
(Miss you guise :'( sadface with tear.)

I'm just sort of making it up as I go along. Again, I'm told that Thailand is a great place for that. It is to the novice traveller as the 50cc Mushroom Cub is to the novice Mario Kart 64 player.

The flight cost about £700 return, but if you don't mind dicking around and transferring, you can save many precious £££'s. I'm heading to India for some reason first - fuck noes why but it saved me £200 - making the flight a real smooth £500 return.

A coach door to door (city center to airport terminal) is about £30.

I've changed up about £200 into Thai Baht. I can't remember how many Baht I have on me now. About 10'000ish? Or about 3 copies of Monopoly worth? Who knows. (It's very pretty money.) I figure it'll tide me over for a while when I first get in and then I can just withdraw money from the ATM according to the bank man. 'Not sure if that'll work tbh. Maybe he just lied to me for the lols. We'll see.

For a heterosexual man I think I might be taking too many
moisturisers, cleansers, lotions and potions.

Anyways, I'll let you know how it all goes. It'll be exactly like that Idiot Abroad thing but not at all.

Check back for tips from the front line and for further situations.

BRB, England. x

DATING SOMEONE WITHOUT FACEBOOK (AND OTHER PRIMITIVE COURTSHIP RITUALS)

So a friend of a friend puts me in contact with this woman.
     "You'll like her," she says. "She likes you. She's been on your Facebook."
     "Casual. Casual. So link me to her page so I can see what her situation is."
     "Oh. 'Can't do that," she says. "My friend doesn't have Facebook."
     I am wtf.

This little bastard knows the score.

Where to begin? To learn about her? To see what her situation is? To best probe the magical, myriad, mysteries which drive this precious snowflake? Is the bitch hawt?

First world problems are merciless.

Hullo, the internet. My name's Adam and today I'd like to talk to you about feelings. How do you get to know someone when they don't have Facebawks? Can you even be bothered? (Spoiler: I could not even be bothered.)

I don't even remember how we (as a species) went about this before the internets. Like, when I was a kid, I didn't have Facebawks or Myspace or any of that noise. Now it's basic 101. "Let's go on a date," she says. "We can get to know one another." Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady. I don't even know what your situation is yet - and you're talking about dates? Let's talk situations first.

I can't see if you're adventurous (via emotional photo of you looking emotional by Machu Picchu).
I can't see if you're arty (via sepia photograph of an old bus shelter via Instagram).
I can't see if you're hawt (via Profile Picture album).
I can't see if you have a pet dog (via photo of dog).
I can't see what your situation is.

"It's only when I got to the summit that I found the real me."

It's like a cheat sheet where you can gauge early compatibility. Do they possess X, where X is a value you look for in a partner. What if they really do have a dog? Instead of a cat? Disastrous.

And then there's the obvious - are you interested in them? Like, sexually and stuff. All I had to go on was a couple of ambiguous MMS MSG's she'd sent me on her MOB ILE (via TXT). I've spent enough time on the internet to know that several pictures are required.

Seems legit.

Maybe we (as a species) are just spoilt these days. We can bypass the preliminary getting to know you stages. 'Move on straight to dating if we want to. Well, in the technologically advanced areas - with internets, information super highways, uploads, downloads, memes, and moar internets.

What does some bro who lives in the middle of Africa do? Probably just goes up to some woman and is all, "Sup, baby gurl. You want 'come roll with me on the savannah? I know this sweet place where we can kill something and then maybe later you can touch my willy for real one time. Shhh, baby gurl. Don't rush this thing." (He speaks liek a rap man.)

Or would he be better off browsing through a friend of a friends profile? #confused.

He's got a really respectful number of followers on Twitter.

Anyways, I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it. We text backwards and forwards but tbh it seems too much like hard work. Maybe it would be different if I'd randomly met her in person. Y'know. Friend of a friend. Story as old as time. But to blind date without being able to - how do I put his delicately - learn a bit about her and confirm her breast to weight ratio? Seems like madness.

Would Jack Bauer blindly enter a room full of potential terrorists and situations without an earpiece thing? Without thermal satellite imaging? Without that Chloe woman running com?

No, he would not. No, I did not.

"Fathers, teach your sons to internet well - for one day - their penis will thank them." - Jesus

"Mothers, teach your daughters to maintain a healthy Profile Picture album." - Mrs Jesus?

DJANGO UNCHAINED

Nigger. Nigger. Nigger.
Nigger. Nigger. Nigger.
Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't see you there. Y'see, my name's Quentin Tarantino and I was just going over the script for my edgy, exciting, confrontational, and edgy new film - Django Unchained.

This is the poster. There's blood in the
 background (but it's not real shhh).

It's the touching story of 2 bros who are bounty hunters or something. Bounty hunters are cool. And edgy. One of them's a black man (but I decided to call them 'niggers', coz it's confrontational and edgy hehe lol).

Anyways, the niggerest of the 2 bros wants to get his wife back from Leonardo DiCaprio - who's in absolutely top form. I've talked it over with him and we've both agreed that he should do his angry shouty head thing. Y'know, when he's all crazy and shit and sometimes spit comes out of his mouth and goes down his chin because he's so angry. Actors call that serious business and they do it when they need to act crazy and shit.

This is a really great example of Leo acting crazy and shit.
He has a gun and everything. Careful, y'all!

So I got sooo carried away with making things legit and being confrontational and edgy that I kind of forgot to make the film make sense :( sadface. But that doesn't really matter because it's all about the dialogue, y'know? Edgy dialogue. Y'all remember when I made the major motion picture, Reservoir Dogs? Or Pulp Fiction? There's memorable scenes where the characters chat a lot of shit about a lot of shit. This is called 'a monologue.' Or 'fucking gay.' 

People don't talk like that in real life. 

In fact, thinking about it, a lot of stuff that happens in my films wouldn't happen in real life. 

Some people call this my unique direction and style but the joke's on them 'cos it's mostly just BS. The quality of my work started to fall apart towards the second film in the Kill Bill trinity. (doubleinity? duo? 'Not sure what just 2 films are called hehe lol.)

Now I just say, "Fuck it" and make it up as I go along. I'm in a really great position where I can just put out any old tat and everybody loves it. Feelsgoodman.jpg.

I get to write myself into scenes like this, too
haha lol.

Anyways, like I was saying (typing hehe lol) in Django Unchained they want to get Jamie Foxx's wife back. Well that's the plan - but things don't go smoothly :) happyface! 

Instead of just going and getting her directly, I wrote the characters into a series of situations to create tension and more situations. This is called a 'plot contrivance'. Or 'padding'. Or 'BS'. 

I don't want to ruin the ending for you but the ending isn't very good. Sorry, y'all :( sadface. 

It's basically 3 hours of me standing in front of a mirror stroking every inch of my penis. 

Pleasuring myself. Indulging myself. Being an visionary and an confrontational.

You can come and watch and celebrate me.

Or not. Y'know. Whatever. 

Peace out, niggers. xoxo