IT IS TIME TO PROTECT THE PLANET, Y'ALL 😧😧

Enough is enough. Our planet is dying and we must change our behaviour immediately. 

At first I was like 'whatevs', but then some goofus had a cardboard sign reading 'THERE IS NO PLANET-B' and I was like 'wow'. I get it now. 

What really saddens me is we've been here before. It seems like only yesterday this blog was trying to warn everyone the dangers of climate change with this elegant and clean post. Unfortunately, world leaders are not self-aware nor relevant enough to read snarky blogspots, so we are where we are :-[ sadface.

Let's get real. Top scientists have come up with a series of suggestions and you must pick at least 2 to adopt into your daily life immediately:

Renewable energy.

Cop 26 circlejerk/photo opportunity.

Primitive Skype message from the queen (you look good, bb!)

Cardboard sign.

Detonating a nuclear device over India/crappy miscellaneous brown country to force a reduction in fossil fuel consumption. 

You cannot eat _____.

Wear a jumper [via global warming]

Wear a nice hat [via global cooling]

Glue yourself to a road.

Glue yourself to someone glued to a road.

Glue yourself to someone who is glued to someone glued to a road.

I will NOT be responsible for the decimation of our amazing planet >:-[ angryface 😒😒

As soon as I have finished this post I will be throwing my computer into the sea, donating all my stuff to Africa, and I will go and live a net zero existence in a field somewhere. I will survive on a diet of soy and grass and I will also do the yoga. 

Fuck the top 1%! Fuck cars!

FOOTBALL MAN

'Jeezlouise'. After our last astonishingly powerful piece of investigative journalism where we briefly touched upon football the emails have been coming in thick and fast. My team and I have had literally dozens of emails and 1 (primitive Old Media) paper letter from Neanderthal concerned members of the football community; specifically football man players who play football. 
The letter was written in crayon :-[ sadface

There were so many fucking expletives so I've tried to fucking clean it up as much as I can. Every dog has his day and all that. I'm absolutely aghast. 

'Jesus Christ'. A real potty mouth on this kid :-[ 

Here's a brief transcript from this rigmarole. 

Absolute degenerate. 

NSFW

-----

I always wanted to be a football man.

Kicking the ball.

Dribbling the ball to the end zone to win The Prize. 

I am doing a corner kick now.

I hope that the coach sees me - but moar importantly - he sees my potential.

I am a football boy now but I would like to be a fully-fledged football man (broad with too-dark eyebrows for her complexion / car that is okay / house in a secure environment where the insurance premium is too much but 'I have a lot of expensive shit' so I don't mind paying the premium even though the excess is a bit _____.)

Man, I could kick a football ball into orbit. 

It will circle the Earth's circumference for a thousand years because I have kicked it so high but also very very accurately.

I am just doing some football, y'all.

I am playing football now.

"Eff you, ref," I speak the words. "Double Hitler. You are a bad referee man, man. That biz was totally legit."

(I call him a cunt too. Fortunately, there is no YouTube footage so this biz will pass.)

Furious with the 'state of the game' right now.

I am kicking the ball.

I am good at kicking the ball.

I can win The Prize.

Sometimes I think of the sometimes when my bros and I were 'just having a kick around'. Oi oi.

'Doing some shit' at our local Leisure Centre. Oi. 

We were just crazy mixed-up kids back then; I never thought that my football skills could take me to such great heights but here I am playing a game of football.

I am flying without wings.

I am 3 lions on the shirt.

I can kick a football. 

I kick the football.

It is like I do not know if I am coming or going, y'all.

I can kick a football all the way to the curve of the Earth's horizon sunset, but will it bring me peace? My heart is a black and white hexagonal ball.

I am lacing my boots very very carefully.

I am checking my shin pads and stuff.

Football.

I runaround the football pitch for 10 thousand miles then return to the dug out and stare at myself in a mirror for like 10mins.

"Did you win The Prize?" my reflection asks.

"I did my best," I reply.

"Not good enough, fucko."

"I did my best."

"Not good enough, fucko."

"..."

Fuck football >:-[ angryface

I always wanted to be a football man.

-----

Oh wow. After that touching insight into the very mind of a football man I feel pretty whatevs about it. Time for a quick Q&A?

Q&A

Who gives an eff about football? (This question is rhetorical. The answer is, similar to the broad from Game of Thrones, 'No one'.)

I am so ashamed when these knuckle-draggers plod their way through Europe to 'support the team to win The Prize'. That's why I mostly pretend I'm not English when I go on holiday. For reals; be it Gatwick Airport or bumblefuck-middle-of-nowhere in Asia, I always speak words in a miscellaneous European accent. (Not really a question.) 

WTF is Love Island? I feel that football men and the broads that they have on that show are in a symbiotic relationship. (Not really a question.)

Are you football?

xx

(2 kisses.)

WHAT WOULD YOUR BOXING NAME BE?

Tyson Fury seems a pretty legit name for a boxer. At first I was a bit like yeah right, dude, that's not your real name but then I checked on Wikipedia and turns out it is. Wow.

It's made me think very seriously about what I'd rebrand myself as if I were to 'step into the ring to fuck someone up'. Yeah okay might be a bit late in the day as I'm 36, but with the correct name/brand and training montage I could be 'ready to rumble' in a month or so :-] 
It'd be like that film where the guy did the thing. 

Anyways, to have a puncher's chance I need to nail down this name/branding solution. I've been riffing on some cool ideas:

David Sledgehammer
Big Willie Punch
Kung Fu Man
Effing Boxing Man
Alex 'The Kid' Man
Volcano Pete
Slow-Eyed Paul

What do you think? (Please only constructive criticism or I will report you.)

Seems pretty _____ of the parents to name their child this way. With a name like Tyson Fury he was unlikely to have a sweet career in insurance, so might have missed out on some great experiences in a friendly office environment. If you named your daughter Buffy 2 Breasts she is unlikely to become a scientist and is more likely to have a sad career in pornography/Etsy :-[ sadface


Q&A
What would your boxing man name be?
This weeks meme seems to be The Women's World Cup Championship Prize (For Football Women) but unfortunately savvy content consumers are reluctant to embrace this product. Should Old Media stop banging on about women's football and accept that it's 'basically crap'?
Obvs football for men is also garbage. (Not really a question.)
Are all sports other than Mario Kart zzz boring?

Instead of dull human vs human combat I'd really like to see some brutal cockfight-themed contest, similar to Pokémon, where things can get redonk. Imagine a fight between a human and a giraffe. Or a robot vs two robots. 

WHEELIE ON A BIKE

Worried.

The hip new thing taking the nation's prepubescent boys by storm seems to be performing a wheelie on a bike. I'm not sure if this is fallout from austerity or something to do with the breakdown of the traditional family unit.

From what I understand, you take your bicycle to the concrete heart of the Modern Urban Environment and do a wheelie. Any distance between 1-6 foot is a win generating mad respect from members of the general public / miscellaneous onlookers. I wanted to learn moar about the situation so I interviewed one of these rigmaroles as part of iamawaitingyourereading's outstanding commitment to outstanding investigative journalism. Our interviewee preferred to remain anonymous but stated that he's representing the Rother District Murder Society Nigs. Let's see what he had to say hmmm?

-----

Unfortunately I have never been very academic :-( sadface.

My teachers state that I have potential, but that I fail to apply myself. They can 'fucking do one'. They do not understand the way it be and that I need to be me. I need to represent my postal code area code by any means necessary; be that by harassing a minimum wage security bro at Tesco or by playing a mumble rap song MP3 on a tinny-sounding Bluetooth speaker. 

I need to wheelie.

The wind rustles through my hair like Jesus to a child as I pop a fat one. (My crew of degenerates bully me. My hair is not cut very well. My hair is cut at one of those £9 places. I have explained that my mum is 'a broke ass whore' because she is studying to become a personal trainer / estate agent / Instagram sensation / something to do with eyebrows, but this reasoning has failed to remedy the situation.)

I need to be me.

When I rock a sick wheel' I am alive! I drop that biz like an atom bomb one time.
I am getting respect.

I never knew my dad. To me, he is just some bro who smells like Lynx deodorant and sad basement flat. A police Community Support Officer tells my homeslices and I to, "Pack it in." 

"Eat a dick and kill yourself, you gaylord," I tell him. He has no real power over me. Community Support Officers are just work experience policeman men and do not have my respect. The real power spins in the wheel.

Would that it were I could wheelie all my troubles away. 
Wish I could wheelie all the way to the horizon, man. 
Drop off the map and ride 1-wheeled into the sunset.

I will ride until I die, bb.

-----

Wow. At the start of this post I was feeling pretty whatevs about the current wheelie meme but now I can kind of get onboard with it. Boys will be boys. Let's not be so quick to judge, hey? :-) happyface


Q&A
Are you wheelie?
Does doing a wheelie like eff up the gears or something? I'm not a mechanic but it doesn't seem very sustainable.
Do you believe in sustainable fishing or are you more like yeah okay when tuna is on sale?
Why is salmon so expensive?
Are kid wheelie-bros a lost cause or can they be straightened out? Choose your tool:
a) bike confiscation
b) draconian public space laws
c) Daddy's belt
d) 'clip round the ears.'
e) disappointed glare
f) disinterested glare
g) hammer [via Stephen King Misery w/ Kathy Bates]
I watched Pet Semetary (sic) and The Dark Tower and they were both crap. (Not really a question.)

x

A ROYAL ENGAGEMENT. REJOICE!

As you're no doubt aware, at iam___ we are so excited about any situation involving the Royal Family. They are amazing and we are filth. They are so amazing and we are so filthy that sometimes I can't even look at myself in the mirror and just want to die. 
I penned this delicate and vulnerable Haiku. 
Come. Let us reflect:

"Royal.
What does it mean to me?
I wish I had lived in a Royal Womb,
for 9 clean months." - Haiku © 2017. Please Like and Share.

Rejoice! The time has come! Stop smearing your own shit on the wall and pay attention listen up, dumbdumbs! We are dirty, dirty pigs eating slop! 

Yes, that's right, William has decided to marry. The most eligible bachelor in all of Narnia has decided to choose his queen. She is not Caucasian but that's okay in our post-Scarlett Johansson is Master Chief in Ghost in the Shell world. Not sure why everyone's bringing race into this as we are all basically equal (apart from Poland obviously). 
Shame. Shame.

Really feel that this could be the turning point in our collective situation as a species and steer us clear of the Intergalactic Economic Downturn.

Really feel that _____.

Really feel that Harry might settle down and stop playing sillybuggers, and maybe get a job, and stop playing sillybuggers. 

Old Media reported that he (Harry) was 'in the military' but my sources at Buckingham Place stated that's a load of old codswallop. I completed Halo 3 on Legendary Mode so I've seen some serious shit so I know what's up; he was probs a hundred miles away from combat dicking around on Skype, the effing dingdong. 
(That text ^^^^ is fact but the following text is unsubstantiated >>>> I also think that he pressured low-ranking female soldiers into sexual shenanigans. Nothing rapey but defo a lot of pressure. I am aghast. Really bad form, man.)


Q&A
a) Are you interested in this engagement?
b) Are you disinterested in this engagement?
c) (I'm not sure who his fiancé is so I'm going to call her Rebecca) but Rebecca seems a lot prettier than he is so do you think that they'd be engaged if he was like middle management at PC World? (This question is rhetorical.)
d) Does this engagement make you raise your scruffy serf head from the minimum wage cotton fields and say, "Yes! Yes, this is amazing! Rejoice!" or are you pretty whatevs about the situation. (This question is rhetorical.)
e) (_____ self-aware commentary on the Class System.)

At the start of this post I was feeling like 'I don't give a rats ass' about the Royal engagement but now I'm thoroughly behind it. I'm going to put £1 a week to 1 side so that I can contribute because that's all I can do. 
Might buy them some nice flowers for the Reception. 
Might buy them some pigs in blankets for the buffet.

If you don't do your bit or show your support then you are a dog. You are a stinky rat. 
As soon as my fingers have keyed in the last character of this beautiful truth I'm going to head to my bank, withdraw everything, and gift half to the Royal Wedding it is so important and I am filth. 

<3 William
<3 Rebecca

I think THINK she's in some straight to DVD / streaming series so maybe we'll see Prince Harry do some inorganic cameo biz. Those chandeliers aren't going to pay for themselves, y'all. 

In this post I've been exploring my relationship with the Royal Fam.

xx
(2 kisses.)

THE ADULT MICRO SCOOTER QUESTION

As you're no doubt aware we're living the end of days. Russian shenanigans. Korean Peninsular nuclear boogaloo. Brexit. Trump. As self-aware content consumers there's only so much we can do. Sure, we can have a charity cupcake sale to raise awareness for transgender stuff but we need to keep things in perspective. Have you seen an adult (25+) using a micro scooter?

There's a certain childlike naiveté about an adult (25+) using a micro scooter; similar to the white man who enjoys the reggae jam or some dingdong queuing up for a fancypants iPhone / Supreme clothing release.  

Whether it's wanting to get in touch with their inner child (_____ clever Hollywood sex scandal observation) or just a need to effing stick it to The Man we can never truly trust these individuals. What drives them? Should we (as responsible adults (25+) living in the modern urban environment) flag them down and stage an intervention? It's hard, y'all. 

Whereas everyone has the right to curate their own personal brand, if it's straight up fucking wrong, don't we have a responsibility to intervene? Sort of like some bro with a twiddly moustache. 

From what I understand, the government is going to try and make people using those flying drone things go on some mandatory training course. Obviously this is a complete waste of time / resources. Would the time be better spent regulating adults' access to micro scooters or creating some list of adults who own them? I'm absolutely furious with these characters and will be writing a strongly worded email. Might even start a petition on change.org as 1'000 signatures has the same power as 10 Tomahawk Missiles. We can make a diff!


Q&A
a) Are you adult micro scooter?
b) Sometimes at work I see this frumpy-looking broad riding a micro scooter and she has 2 kids with her also riding a micro scooter. The kids have a real dead look in their eyes - sort of like a war veteran. (Not really a question.)
c) What do you think the best Call of Duty was? I think CoD 4: Modern Warfare but then Modern Warfare 2 was also pretty sweetums.
d) Realistically, should we also question the motivations of a grown up still dicking around with skateboards?
e) What aspect of your own personal branding solution could do with a tweak? 

There's a shop that sells 'pro micro scooters' but that's an oxymoron like Tesco Finest.

Going forward into 2018 I'm planning to violently attack anyone utilising a micro scooter in the modern urban environment. (Might expand upon this initiative to include children throwing those snap popper things that go bang on the floor.) I believe the time for moderation has passed. We must act NOW!

:-] happyface

THE SORT OF STEVIE NICKS HAT PERSONAL BRAND

From what I understand the Sort of Stevie Nicks Hat personal branding solution is going to be huge this summer, with ASOS selling them by the pallet-load and even miscellaneous crappy high street chains like River Island trying to monetise the situation. So what does this mean for us as self-aware members of the 1st World? Let's reflect:

There's something utterly timeless about Fleetwood Macs and specifically Stevie Nicks. Their MP3s teach us that it's okay to effing be yourself; be that refusing to comb your hair, being chill with extramarital affairs, or simply living in a swamp [via American Horror Story: Coven]. This foundation creates a really sustainable platform to sell products to broads aged 25 - 35 or to bros who can play the guitar okay. The wonderful thing about the Sort of Stevie Nicks Hat personal branding solution is that you can double down on looking mysterious. So many people are going to think that you keep a diary and maybe had a poem published back in the day; or at the very least you've thought about lava lamps at some point or another. 

The thing is that we're all put here for a reason and there's no reason why you can't look redonk sweetums while doing so. 
Sometimes you just need to wander through the modern urban environment sorting through the complex emotions in your head. 
Sometimes you just want to binge watch Netflix. 


Q&A
Will you be co-branding your situation with this situation?
Is felt made from an animal? Mole?
In a drum off between Mick Fleetwood and the bro from My Red Hot Chilli Pepper who would be the most whatevs?
Is the Flatcap Hat personal branding solution sooo 2014?
The great thing about hats is that you can only wear 1 at a time. You can wear like 3 jackets and 10+ bracelets at once, but you really have to commit to a hat. (Not really a question.)

In this post I've been exploring my relationship with fashion as a self-aware member of the 1st World.

xxx
(3 kisses.)

A NEW ROYAL BABY. REJOICE!

All my life I have been waiting for a Royal BB. The pregnancy allows us to become close to the the Royal Family - we're right there with them - welcomed into the inner circle [via promotional buzz]. We're transported from our flaccid existence in minimum wage cotton fields and are invited to live the life of Riley - hobnobbing with Her Majesty the Queen, eating a quails egg with a magic spoon, and demanding sex from post grads. Blessings. Blessings. 

"Rejoice!
For we are dirt,
and a royal bb is growing.
Rejoice!" - Haiku © 2015

I've collected hundreds of newspaper clippings and even though it's early days I already know that this baby is special. I'm feeling pretty sweetums about the situation :-]

This baby has a gravitational pull like a black hole but white; everything is drawn towards it. It's the biggest Old Media event since the last one and the buzz is deafening. 
We must support the Royal Family via whatever means necessary. 
We must show interest, be that doubling our taxes to raise funds for a sweet treehouse or killing ourselves to make the air cleaner. 
We must do our bit. 

Q&A
Even though I've never met him I'm totes ready to die for the new king. You?
Is this rigmarole some construct of the Old Media to shift newspapers? 
I think it'd be really great if we put our heads together and brainstorm a relevant name for the baby. Here's my suggestions to get the ball rolling:
a) King / Queeny
b) The One
c) Diana 2
d) Donkey Kong Jr
e) Platinum
f) Edward / Charles / Victoria / miscellaneous traditional name.
g) Edword / Kharles / Vicky-May / miscellaneous traditional name, but modernised. 
Let me know your cleanest and most relevant suggestions and I'll email my contact at Buckingham Palace.

Really hoping someone rigs up a webcam so I can be inside the room when he's crowning B-]
<3

ARE MICRO 12.5G POUCHES OF TOBACCO LEGIT?

Hey, y'all. Let's get down to business, hmmm?
After the illegal War on Terror we, as a species, learned the following situations:

• Always question The Man.
• Automatically distrust The Old Media and antiquated authority figures.
• e-Petitions can change the world.
• 1 Flashmob in the crowded urban environment is more powerful than 10 Tomahawk Missiles in the crowded urban environment.

Seems like Uncle Tom's been up to his old tricks again; trying to feed us another line. This time round it's pouches of tobacco. 

The Man / Enemy would have us believe that these newfangled micro pouches contain as much nutritious tobacco as the normal sized ones. Obviously this a load of olds codswallop - a textbook slice of misdirection by conglomerate retailers, corrupt politician men, Fat Cat city banker-man men, and extortionate cornershop business models.  

From what I understand, these pouches are vacuum packed or something to force maximum tobacco per square inch of packaging. Unfortunately, I have not researched the issue - but if I had to guess - I would say that the tobacco companies are trying to reduce their Carbon Footprint. As y'all know we only have 1 planet and must take every step to protect it. 
That means cutting greenhouse emissions by 2018. 
That means no driving your car, unless it is an electric car. 
That means we must force China to stop pollution by 2031.  


Q&A
How the eff can we make The Man admit that these micro pouches contain about 10.5g - 11g and not 12.5g?
These pouches look a lil bit kute - do you like them?
Should the major DIY teddybear retailer, Build A Bear, jump onboard and offer these micro pouches of tobacco as accessories for delinquent teddybears?

Is giving your child a poor selection of accessories for his / her Build A Bear enabling them to grow into the future deadbeat boyfriends / single mothers of tomorrow?

Don't even smoke anymore unless it's a special occasion. 
Just sick of being lied to by mysterious illuminati-man figures.  

"I want my child,
to grow up in a world,
free from _____.
Free." - an incredibly vulnerable Haiku © 2013

<3
(Heart symbol.)

08/04/2013 - MISLEADING ADVERTISING IN THE MODERN WORLD - WARM BODIES

Sup, niggas.
?

Today I'd like to talk to you about misleading advertising in the modern world. Specifically, the major new indie romcom cashgrab jumping on the zombie 'bandwagon' - Warm Bodies.

Here's the 'advert':

If I had to guess just by looking at the cover - I'd say that it's sort of like Shawn Is The Dead or a poor-man's Zombieland. I award it 7/10 (because that's a nice, safe score) and I would possibly consider downloading 'if the price was right' (free).
I don't really know what this film is all about :-( sadface.

Anyways, I'm only interested in the advertisement.

Sort of feel that this poster is 'fucking bullshit'. 

A brief Google Images investigation proves that the broad on the cover does not, in fact, have D sized bewbs. 
:-( sadface.
>:-( angryface.

"I am Jack's complete lack of surprise." - The Fighting Club

"Sick of being lied to.
By Hollywood and .PSD files,
with too much Smudge and Soften." - A Haiku ©

As savvy internet content consumers processing images and memes and situations on a daily basis, I'm sure that we all remember this 'fucking bullshit':

"Eff.
Feeling mislead. 
I know that Gwyneth Paltrow has AA's, 
and not DD's." - Another Haiku © 2013

Wonder why they (The Man) needs to lie to us (The Kids)?

I'm sure we can all agree that there's 'a special something' about every woman. 
Each one's a special snowflake, gently blown from A to B, on the winds of chance / life.

Feel like we need to violently reject advertising agencies playing sillybuggers with digital representations of women.
Might be time to 'take a stand'?
Might be time to 'murder' someone?
Might be time for ALL of us to change our Facebawks profile pictures to facilitate change? 

I gtg, niggas. I'm just feeling thoroughly mislead. 
Eff.
I might boycott this film and / or send a strongly worded email to _____ .

</3 broken heart symbol.