PYPB - GREASY TOPKNOT HAIRCUT

(PYPB / Promoting Your Personal Brand is an informative new feature on iam___ where we investigate how to promote your personal brand, both OTI and AFK.)

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Hey y'all.
Just wondering if you've come across any individuals promoting the Greasy Topknot Haircut Personal Branding Solution? From what I understand, early adopters are embracing this haircut NOW in preparation for the 1st and 2nd quarters of 2014 (so expect extensive media coverage and mainstream acceptance this time next year).

"I wish I was more,
aware of fashions and trends.
Perfectly positioned,
to showcase my personal brand." - A Delicate Haiku

Let's examine this new trend, hmmm?

This Asian-bro completely gets it.
He is looking very mysterious (sort of like an ancient Samurai-bro, but fighting a war of the mind. (Education / textbooks / unrealistic career expectations / mounting debt - but also possible / probable erectile dysfunction situations, due to worries about education / textbooks / unrealistic career expectations / mounting debt.))


Q&A
Will you / do you support the Greasy Topknot Haircut Personal Branding Solution?
Do you violently reject its teachings <:-O ?
Are bros embracing this new trend trying too hard to be _____?
Which of the following professions could you realistically get away with this haircut without receiving a verbal warning from frustrated middle management?
a) Student studying for a miscellaneous multimedia qualification?
b) Member of band?
c) The Twitter employee?
d) Minimum wage / Christmas Temp at an exciting fashion outlet?
e) 'Performance Artist' waiting to be discovered? (He will not be discovered.)
f) Shinobi Sega Megadrive man? 
Is this trend for men only?
Is it clean?

Today has been brought to you by FASHION but also PERSONAL BRANDING.

IN TODAY'S TOUGH MP3 ECONOMY, DOES HAVING A FRONTWOMAN = MAD BANK? PT 2

(This is Part 2 of a 2 Part Think Piece about monetising a band situation.)

Sup, y'all.
?
You may remember this post where we investigated the current MP3 economy in today's modern world. Bands trying to promote a new product for our consumption must do whatever it takes to get THEIR MP3 onto OUR MP3 playing device. 
From what I understand, 'sex sells'; but is this also true of the music industry? Let's not forget that most record labels currently have an annual turnover of between £50 to £100 per annum - if at all - so 'no stone can be left unturned' in the search for money. 
Let's continue, hmmm?

ALL GIRL LINE UP:
(Haim.)
Obviously this act cannot be taken seriously and will forever be judged upon their wardrobe, their attractiveness, and the content of their bras over their MP3s.

1 GUY / ALL GIRL LINE UP: 
(The Hole.)
This situation is very similar to the G&R situation in that it's mainly 'The Courtney <3 Show'. Not sure whether to feel envious or 'glad' that I'm not the 1 guy. #worried.  

GIRL MAJORITY:
(S Club 7.)
Sort of feel that this is a 'scattergun' approach - trying to cover as many bases / tween demographics as possible. (I would like to 'cum' with Tina 7.)

BOY MAJORITY:
(Fleetwood Mac.)
In many ways Papa Mac transcends the traditional gender divide by having several members married to one another. Is this the optimum situation?

1 GIRL / ALL GUY LINE UP:
((Local band) Hero.)
In many ways this is 'The Golden Ticket'. Women can project themselves into the situation ("That could be me.") and men can enjoy #erection.  

ALL BRO LINE UP:
(90% of bands.)
This is 'the meat and 2 veg'. Traditional all-male bands are 'the backbone' of our MP3 economy. Unfortunately, it can be confusing to know which product is which (due to saturation). 
Last night, there were x3 all-male bands; I can't remember any of their names. 
I think one had a number in? :-( sadface. 

Q&A
Which broad from S Club 7 made YOUR special place FEEL?
Should all-male bands outsource some of their touring duties (backing vocals / tambourine / merchandise stand situation) to a woman in order to increase market share?
Should women be allowed to create MP3s or is this the responsibility of men?

CONCLUSION:

We can all agree that online piracy is a victimless crime.
We all have needs, wants, and basic human rights which must be accommodated. MP3s - although not vital to our survival like a stable broadband connection or food - are very important to our survival in today's modern world.
It is completely unacceptable for bands to expect payment in exchange for MP3s; instead they must offer us only their cleanest MP3s so that we may consume them 'a la carte' / Tapas.
Bands must try to monetise their situation by lucrative sponsorship deals / T Shirt sales / fancypants vinyl EP / limited edition trinket.

Women contribute lots to our MP3 economy. 
Come. Let us rejoice:

• Posters to hang in tween bedrooms.
• Emotive vocals (possibly delivered in a whispy, raspy tone or through the reverb machine. These sounds can take us all away from our mundane lives in the cotton fields 'stocking shelves at Tesco' - to a cabin retreat in the Mountains of Idaho, cuddling on a bearskin rug and discussing the very serious situations in Darfur / Afghanistan war).

(This has been Part 2 of a 2 Part Think Piece about monetising a band situation.)

Take care of y'allselves.

<3 heart symbol.

IN TODAY'S TOUGH MP3 ECONOMY DOES HAVING A FRONTWOMAN = MAD BANK? PT 1

Y'all. As you know I spend the majority of my time OTI.
Recently I went to a relevant gig across town in order to support my local scene and hobnob with fellow MP3 consumers in a relevant environment. 

In today's social-economic situation we all have to 'make cut backs'. From what I understand, there are several 'fucking bullshit' products and services which are the first to go.
Come. Let us reflect:

• Water / Sewage Bills - "Unfortunately, I have not received your invoice. I fully intend to pay. (I will not pay.)"
• Fairtrade Goods and Services - "I cannot be effed to spend an extra 20pence on eggs. Although I enjoy the 'idea' of Free Range hens - I am unwilling to foot the extra cost. They are on their own."
• Charitable Donations - "Sorry, y'all - I have no £££ :-( sadface."
• Primitive Highstreet Business Models - "Eff Woolworths. Eff The HMV. Eff 'The Local Pub'. I am tightening my belt."

As demand for ^^^ these goods and services decline, demand for additional goods and services rise.

Come. Let us rejoice:

• Nutritious Torrents - "I will download this album. If the MP3s are adequate I will definitely buy the CD. (I will not by the CD.)"
• (And of course) The Opportunity to Arouse the Possibility to 'Cum' - "The best things in life are free."

Accepting all of this as truth, we must show delicate compassion to the artists / musicians who create content / MP3s.

(This is Part 1 of a 2 Part Think Piece about monetising a band situation.)

There's so much content in the world; we must always be 'on our guard' and skeptical of new products. Allowing a new MP3 into our modern lives / hard drive can be a traumatic experience /:-/ concerned-face. As the Circle of Life spins we must evolve defenses against the many dangers we face, as savvy content consumers in the 1st World. One of the most powerful defense mechanisms we've evolved is the power to 'judge a book by its cover'.

This saves us both time and vital street credibility in the face of our peers IRL and anonymous 'internet trollers' OTI.

Band name. Haircut situations. Press photos. 

Only when the ^^^ above criteria has been satisfactorily resolved can we 'take a chance' on downloading a song.
The last thing any of us want is a 'disasterous' recommendation by Last.fm or The Spotify, sending us on a wild goose chase after a similar product.

"I have been burned,
too many times,
by BS recommendations on similar acts.
I can / will only trust myself." - Haiku rejecting circlejerk MP3 sites

Obviously, the majority of MP3s are consumed by males, so a band / musician's situation must be tailored to men.

To this end, the dedicated iam___ team will investigate several lineups to find the ideal bro / broad ratio.

'Tune in' tomorrow for our findings.

(This has been Part 1 of a 2 Part Think Piece about monetising a band situation.)

Q&A
What's your <3 favourite MP3?
Do your prefer women in bands to 'go completely effing mental' badmouthing an old BF / GF / BFF  - or 'get a lil vulnerable' singing about global warming / deforestation situations / feelings?
Do you know any bands / are you a band who should be investigated?
Why are Haim so angry all the time?
I think that the ^^^ base guitar player would 'snap my shit up' / utterly destroy my special place, but what do Y'ALL think?

Does Regine from Arcade Fire take the band's situation to such great heights or are they just sort of carrying her (due to marital commitments)?

xxo (2 kisses & 1 hug.)

I AM THINKING ABOUT CAT NAMES. I NEED Y'ALLS HELP.

Hey, y'all. 
Took my cat to the vet yesterday for her annual checkup situation.

At 1st I was like :-( sadface, but after she passed with flying colours I'm now more like :-) happyface.
Of course, Mao-Mao's been born with a metaphorical Silver Spoon (due to being housed in a 1st World household). Hers is not life of crappy supermarket own-brand food and generic 'piece of shit' cat toys; she has access to only the finest yumyums, an astonishing variety of Fairtrade toys, rustic woodchip kittylitter, and - should she need it - a highspeed broadband connection that she can use to illegally download content. In many ways she lives a life, which impoverished people (from the 3rd World / Central Poland) would 'kill their own mother' for.

Feel like I need to acquire a second cat / breed Mao in preparation for the 3rd and 4th quarters of 2013.

Do y'all know any cat names?
Here's a few that the iam___ team and I have been riffing on. Please let us know your views. (The most amazing and self-aware suggestion will be awarded 10 iam__ points which can be redeemed in our online shop or at our annual conference.)

Bonqueefa.
Commander Bonqueefa.
Queen Latifah.
Cat Face.
Dog Face.
Operation Cat Face.
Megatron.
Autobot Base Metroplex.
Pino Noir.
P. Noir.
T. Stark.
Mohammed.
Dalipep Mohammed.
Dalipep Dalipep Mohammed.
Penelope Puss-Puss
Tamara Bon Marche.
Ecoute Le Bon Marche.
Bon-Bon Le Sniff.
Ecoute Le Cat.
Ecoute Le Chat (?)
Tagliatelle.
Sex Bomb.
Kittykat Cat Cat.
Queen Diamante.
Sparkling Brut.
3 Liter Box of Chardonnay.
Merlot.
Paige Putt-Putt.
LOL Cat (LOLing Out Loud Cat).
U4ER (Euphoria). 
Brian Mumford (Mumford and _____).
Bert & Qubert (Co-founders of B&Q shop).
Busta Rhymes.


Q&A
Do any of ^^^ those name's seem legit to you or are they all just 'a load of old codswallop'? 
Is being a vet harder than being a doctor?
(Heard that they go to super advanced vet school for longer than 'stupid head' doctors go to 'retarded' doctor school for.)
Is ^^^ that true or just a bunch of BS made up by veterinarians?
I paid about £100 to the vet - is this 'an effing ripoff'?

Might just DIY this vet malarkey from now on.
(I am excited about this exciting new challenge.)

xx (2 kisses.)

IS YOUR BF / GF / BFF MORE PHOTOGENIC THAN YOU ARE?

Y'all. 
Just wondering if anyone's heard about these fashion blogs / local magazines which photograph interesting looking people on the street?
From what I understand, if you look like 'the bomb diggity' then the interview people will quiz you about your 'look' and what inspired it. Obviously they don't ask any Tom, Dick, or Harry; you have to be in the top 5% of relevant individuals in your local scene. Presumably you'll also need to be proficient in the following fields:

• Selfies.
• MP3 consumption.
• Twerking.
• Political and / or self-awareness (including Flash Mobs, Haiti, and 'getting militant' about inequality / Polar Bears).
• #hashtag deployment.

"It was a massive boost to my morale and to my general situation. All of those 'out there' fashion choices that I had made were validated the day that _____ took my photo and asked me some questions. Of course, I posted the link to my social network - increasing my market share by __%." - Fashion

Saw this broad on the street selected for an interview.
Felt really pleased for her - like she'd finally 'made it' and broken free of societies norms due to the power of her wardrobe, taking her situation to such great heights. I imagined a perfect world where her and I could combine our situations and become a 'powerhouse' on the local scene - going 'crazy', running through the streets with traffic cones and then pursuing the opportunity to 'cum' later on in the evening. (Might also watch Garden State or Lost in Translation indie motion pictures.) 
Saw her friend mill around next to her.
Felt bad for her - as she had not been selected. 

Felt really bad for her friend, man.
Unfortunately, she was not completely without blame - a real 'fixer-upper' - but it must be hard when your BF / GF / BFF is selected and you're not.
The frumpy-friend pretended that she was happy for the hawt-friend, but this was of course a lie.
Don't know either of these broads - but if I had to guess - I would say that their friendship is just sort of 'on autopilot' - like the relationship between the world and the Pokeman collection of brutal cock-fighting games.

Q&A
Are you intimidated by your BF / GF / BFF's wardrobe?
Is fashion 'fucking bullshit'?
I'm seeing lots of girls wearing mum jeans cut into short denim shorts - is this something to do with Rhianna?
Is being chosen for one of these photo / interview combos a legitimate achievement or is it just sort of like winning the Special Olympics?
If your friend was chosen for one of these photo / interview combos, and you were not, would you loiter around in the background and try and ease your way into the situation?
Just want to ask 1 question - is Pikachu an abomination?
#worried.

GLASTONBURY 2013

(This is a think piece about Glastonbury 2013.)

Just watching Glastonbury Festival atm.
I'm not there in person - but as a Caucasian member of the 1st World with the amazing power of the internet at my disposal - I can stream it directly into my living room.
Internet > Satellites & Wires (?) > Laptop > HD TV > Living Room

"Imagine a world,
where everything in the world,
is only a few clicks,
away." - A Haiku celebrating our modern world ©

Sort of feel that a music festival is the best / only opportunity for a band to pitch their product to potential new consumers. From what I understand, the music industry is 'fucked' due to a double-threat from over-saturation and the incredible world of online piracy. 

Just too many bands and MP3s in the world :-( sadface.
Just sooo many torrents in the world :-( sadface.

Sometimes I feel 'overwhelmed' by the sheer volume of content out there. Even if I spent the rest of my life listening to songs and watching official music videos / crappy fanmade ripoff music videos I think that I'd only get through __% of what's available. And that's not even taking into account new products being created in bedrooms and fancypants studios. 
I feel like we're living in an imperfect storm - where content, piracy, saturation, and technology have created a 'clusterfuck'.

Don't even think I like bands / solo artists anymore.
Get moar enjoyment out of 'taking the Michael' out of their haircuts and musicianship. 

Glastonbury.

Because so many acts play at festivals occasionally some 'fall through the cracks' and fail to secure their 'shot at the big time' - condemned to an eternity of financial purgatory. Realistically, if you're not playing on one of the 6 (?) main stages then you might as well 'drop it like it's hot' and go home, which is why I am aghast when bands play sillybuggers with an indulgent 10min intro or prolonged middle 8 situation.
Is this short-sighted and a waste of precious spotlight time?
Just thinking (typing) out loud, really.

As you know, there's so much content competing for our attention and so many desperate cashgrabs by 'fucking bullshit' content creators - sometimes it's more convinent to just tune it all out. 
It's hard to know what's legit and what's a stoopid manufactured product by The Man, a mobile phone company, or a fruityloop energy drink promoter.
My thoughts are with the artists; it's hard to make ends meet, y'all.

"We must show delicate compassion and support them, 
but also utterly condemn and disown them, 
when they fail to provide, 
an acceptable MP3 / product." - Haiku 

Anyways, just riffing on Glastonbury 2013 in this post; exploring my relationship with music as a savvy-internet user and MP3 consumer.

Really need to relearn to simply enjoy music for what it is and not over-analyse the situation. 
Unfortunately, we're all so self-aware now that welcoming a new MP3 into our lives can be a traumatic experience leaving us vulnerable - akin to 'shaving a Brazilian'.

Q&A
Are you a band or an MP3 competing to be heard in the modern world?
Is a music festival a remarkable experience (due to meeting like-minded people and pursuing the opportunity to 'cum') or a thorough pain in the ass (due to soggy penguin weather conditions and poor line-ups)?
Are large festivals and sporting events the only use for the Red Button on your remote?
Does the young man from Foals have a potty mouth?
Are The Alt-Js (The ∆s) sorcerers or a bunch of sadsacks?
I saw some fruity-looking guy singing between acts for the interviewer people on Friday - I think his name was Michael _____ and he had a quiff - does anyone know wtf his situation was because he was just awful?
Why is Example?

(This has been a think piece about Glastonbury 2013.)

IN TODAY'S MODERN WORLD CAN ANYONE LISTEN TO 'PURPLE RAIN' BY PRINCE (AND NOT THINK OF SOME BS TALENT CONTEST CONTESTANT)?

Sup, niggas?
(This question is rhetorical.)
Been listening to a lot of Prince atm.

(I'm not really sure if he's currently going by the name 'Prince' or 'The Artist Formally Known As Prince' or 'TAFKAP' or ':-) Symbol Thing.' Prince, if you're reading, please explain your situation, tnx.)

When the hit single Purple Rain plays - I don't even think of it as a Prince MP3 anymore. Years and years of dodgy talent show contestants have 'totally effing ruined' the song for me >:-( angryface.

When I think about some Purple Rain, I think of the following: 

• Warbling. (Maybe with the eyes closed and with the wobbly hand.)
• Stoopid edgy remix. Probs with some beat boxing. Ugh.
• Stoopid carbon copy.
• Dated stage show. (Dry ice / child choir with candles / miscellaneous coloured choir / unemployed drama postgrad dancers / jazz hands / projector screen playing B&W love situation / gay man on motorcycle / those rope tumbler-niggas pouring down from the ceiling / plastic flowers / exciting lasers.) 
• Emotional sob story.

That's what I think when I think Purple Rain ^^^ but what do YOU effing think when YOU think Purple Rain?

Slowly starting to really resent these plucky chancers playing sillybuggers with classic songs.

I think that it might be time to metaphorically draw the line.
I think that we might have to kill again, my nigs.
Unfortunately, it might be time to 'murder' someone :-( sadface.

iam___ might 'draft up' a list of artists / classic songs, which these unself-aware talent show animals can no longer dick around with.

Off the top of my head:

Jeff Buckley.

Queens.

Stephen Wonder.

Wham!

(That's just for starters. Let me know if I've missed anyone.)

Might investigate talent show contestant sob stories tmw.

xxxo (3 kisses & 1 hug.)

YOU'RE WORLD - I REALLY NEED TO FINISH MY SCREENPLAY

Sup, nigs.
The moar things change, the moar they stay the same, right?
Yeah, man. You're telling me.

Anyways, you may remember this post about helping fellow anons out. Well, we have a situation to remedy.

Welcome to YOU'RE WORLD.

In our first YOU'RE WORLD, anonymous tells us his situation. 

Let's see if we can't help this nigga out, hmmm?

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I REALLY NEED TO FINISH MY SCREENPLAY

Falling behind. 
I go to the local chain coffee shop. I order the usual. I sit in the window, where I can people watch - but importantly - also BE watched. (I am wearing some vintage clothes, but also some 'new shit'. I am just me being 'me'.) 
I am ready. 
To begin. 
To weave the magic of the word.
I ease my laptop open. 
1st things 1st; my name has been wrote on my coffee 'cup'. I take a photo of the coffee 'cup' with my _____ model of mobile phone. 

There are 2 options: 
1) My name is spelt correctly.
I post the photo along with, "You KNOW you drink too much coffee when THIS happens! XD." I will hope for between 3 and 8 likes (and at least 2 comments).
or
2) My name is spelt incorrectly. 
Possibly by a member of staff from a crappy European country. Of course, this country will be Poland. I post the photo along with, ">:-( angryface."

Although I feel a bit _____ because I am metaphorically falling behind with my self-imposed 500 words a day - there may very well be other, more pressing situations to attend to:
1) I may feel the need to extend / promote my social presence OTI.
I 'social network'. That is all.
2) Might be feeling 'ambiguous'.
I post vague statuses. I look through a photo gallery of an old bf / gf / bff. I think of the good times. I think of the bad times. I think of the _____ times. I listen to 6 Music.
3) Might be feeling the need to 'cum'.
I open several tabs and then I hide them behind the front one. Soft / hard porn. I have my headphones on. They do not play music, as I need to be 'alert' if some nigga comes 'sneaking up on me'. 

I go to the washroom. 
Might check my hair / general situation. 
Might take a 'selfie'.

I return to my table. (Of course, I do not like to leave my laptop unattended for extended periods of time. Although it is insured 'away from home' and 'all my important shit' is backed up, it is mostly just the aggro of replacing it that I cannot be effed with. Obvs, I am non-violent, but I would seriously concider 'popping a cap in the dome' if some random tried to steal my shit. Do not even want to talk (type) about it tbh.)

I stay for 2 hours. 
In that time I order between 2 and 4 cups of _____. (Maybe an overpriced snack.)

Falling behind. 
With the screenplay, I means.
I go home.


- I am anonymous. iam___

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What can WE do to help this anon out?
What do YOU suggest? (Remember, we're all friends with substantial online social presences here - so 'no one get's left behind'.)

Provide your most astute and socially-aware suggestions 'in the comments'.
The winner will receive +1 to his or her internets.


xx (2 kisses.)