IT IS TIME TO PROTECT THE PLANET, Y'ALL 😧😧

Enough is enough. Our planet is dying and we must change our behaviour immediately. 

At first I was like 'whatevs', but then some goofus had a cardboard sign reading 'THERE IS NO PLANET-B' and I was like 'wow'. I get it now. 

What really saddens me is we've been here before. It seems like only yesterday this blog was trying to warn everyone the dangers of climate change with this elegant and clean post. Unfortunately, world leaders are not self-aware nor relevant enough to read snarky blogspots, so we are where we are :-[ sadface.

Let's get real. Top scientists have come up with a series of suggestions and you must pick at least 2 to adopt into your daily life immediately:

Renewable energy.

Cop 26 circlejerk/photo opportunity.

Primitive Skype message from the queen (you look good, bb!)

Cardboard sign.

Detonating a nuclear device over India/crappy miscellaneous brown country to force a reduction in fossil fuel consumption. 

You cannot eat _____.

Wear a jumper [via global warming]

Wear a nice hat [via global cooling]

Glue yourself to a road.

Glue yourself to someone glued to a road.

Glue yourself to someone who is glued to someone glued to a road.

I will NOT be responsible for the decimation of our amazing planet >:-[ angryface 😒😒

As soon as I have finished this post I will be throwing my computer into the sea, donating all my stuff to Africa, and I will go and live a net zero existence in a field somewhere. I will survive on a diet of soy and grass and I will also do the yoga. 

Fuck the top 1%! Fuck cars!

PROTECT THE PLANET, Y'ALL

From what I understand our planet is fucked :-[ sadface

Come. Let us reflect:

• Redonk Greenhouse Gas emissions
• Unchill polar ice caps
• Decline of popular animals (tiger cat, elephant etc)
• Decline of 'crap' animals (wasp)
• Failure of government to take the situation seriously

I am v worried. I am v furious.

To this end we're starting an amazing and cool new charity called 'EFF POLLUTION'. It'll be in ALL CAPS because, as everyone knows, caps lock is cruise control for cool B-]

Now, there's several things that you can do as a self-aware content consumer in the 1st World and savvy reader of iam_____. 
We need someone to design a logo. Unfortunately, this exciting opportunity will be unpaid, but we can offer you 10 exposure and obviously it'll look amazing on your portfolio; possibly leading to further exciting opportunities at BuzzFeed / primitive printed media outlet. (This will also be unpaid.)

We also need a rad tagline; something that The Kids can really get behind. We've been riffing on some ideas at the office and we think that we've narrowed it down to some really punchy options. Here are the options now:

EFF POLLUTION

Save the polar bears. Kill yourself.

EFF POLLUTION

The future is in the future.

EFF POLLUTION

Plastic bag? No thanks, bb!

Cut Greenhouse Gas emissions. Nuke Punjab.

If you think everything will be okay please think again, idiot.

Stop deforestation. Trees are people too.


Q&A
Do you care about the planet?
Do you not care about the planet?
Sometimes I see these doods protesting about climate change and they just seem straight up annoying, so I regularly leave my flat with the central heating turned up all the way to the max and I also leave all the windows open :-] (Not really a question.)

The time for moderate protest / peaceful cupcake sale is over. We, as a species, must lower our carbon footprint via any means necessary - be that by limiting our consumption of red meat or by simply combining the entire resources of the entire planet into one great big huge milkshake and throwing it at The Man.
Absolutely very livid right now and I will be sending a very strongly worded email to my local MP.

Furious right now >:-[ but I've taken the time to compose myself and compose this delicate Haiku.

World.
We only have 1 world.
Please recycle your _____.
iamawaitingyourereading © 2019

WHEELIE ON A BIKE

Worried.

The hip new thing taking the nation's prepubescent boys by storm seems to be performing a wheelie on a bike. I'm not sure if this is fallout from austerity or something to do with the breakdown of the traditional family unit.

From what I understand, you take your bicycle to the concrete heart of the Modern Urban Environment and do a wheelie. Any distance between 1-6 foot is a win generating mad respect from members of the general public / miscellaneous onlookers. I wanted to learn moar about the situation so I interviewed one of these rigmaroles as part of iamawaitingyourereading's outstanding commitment to outstanding investigative journalism. Our interviewee preferred to remain anonymous but stated that he's representing the Rother District Murder Society Nigs. Let's see what he had to say hmmm?

-----

Unfortunately I have never been very academic :-( sadface.

My teachers state that I have potential, but that I fail to apply myself. They can 'fucking do one'. They do not understand the way it be and that I need to be me. I need to represent my postal code area code by any means necessary; be that by harassing a minimum wage security bro at Tesco or by playing a mumble rap song MP3 on a tinny-sounding Bluetooth speaker. 

I need to wheelie.

The wind rustles through my hair like Jesus to a child as I pop a fat one. (My crew of degenerates bully me. My hair is not cut very well. My hair is cut at one of those £9 places. I have explained that my mum is 'a broke ass whore' because she is studying to become a personal trainer / estate agent / Instagram sensation / something to do with eyebrows, but this reasoning has failed to remedy the situation.)

I need to be me.

When I rock a sick wheel' I am alive! I drop that biz like an atom bomb one time.
I am getting respect.

I never knew my dad. To me, he is just some bro who smells like Lynx deodorant and sad basement flat. A police Community Support Officer tells my homeslices and I to, "Pack it in." 

"Eat a dick and kill yourself, you gaylord," I tell him. He has no real power over me. Community Support Officers are just work experience policeman men and do not have my respect. The real power spins in the wheel.

Would that it were I could wheelie all my troubles away. 
Wish I could wheelie all the way to the horizon, man. 
Drop off the map and ride 1-wheeled into the sunset.

I will ride until I die, bb.

-----

Wow. At the start of this post I was feeling pretty whatevs about the current wheelie meme but now I can kind of get onboard with it. Boys will be boys. Let's not be so quick to judge, hey? :-) happyface


Q&A
Are you wheelie?
Does doing a wheelie like eff up the gears or something? I'm not a mechanic but it doesn't seem very sustainable.
Do you believe in sustainable fishing or are you more like yeah okay when tuna is on sale?
Why is salmon so expensive?
Are kid wheelie-bros a lost cause or can they be straightened out? Choose your tool:
a) bike confiscation
b) draconian public space laws
c) Daddy's belt
d) 'clip round the ears.'
e) disappointed glare
f) disinterested glare
g) hammer [via Stephen King Misery w/ Kathy Bates]
I watched Pet Semetary (sic) and The Dark Tower and they were both crap. (Not really a question.)

x

BUILDERS

As you're no doubt aware builders are a bunch of dingdongs. Whether it's playing sillybuggers outside a Weatherspoons when the sun's gone down or singing along to a Kasabian song when the scaffolding's gone up, they're absolutely disgusting creatures. Hello and yes welcome back.

As 2018 starts to gain traction we need to address the elephant in the room; we as a species have loads of buildings so do we as a species still need builders? My sources (Number 10 Downing Street, actually) report that it's all some wonky pyramid scheme to keep riffraff off the streets. As long as they're 30' up in the air then they can't interfere with decent folk in the Modern Urban Environment. 

In our post hashtagMeToo world we need to constantly be on the lookout for sexual shenanigans / rape. You don't need to look far; they are mostly perched atop scaffolding like rapey gargoyles. Disgusting.


Q&A
a) Is listening to the radio for poor people?
b) Why are there no female builders?
c) One time I had a female taxi driver and I was amaze. (Not really a question.)
d) I've had a builder dicking around painting my hallway for like a year now. He finished up yesterday but he is very lazy / not a very good builder. (Not really a question.)
e) Should Mate Rock Pop (Kasabian, The Automatic, The Streets Rap Man, Rag + Bone Man) be condemned by the international community and subject to severe UN sanctions?

At the start of this post I was feeling like, "Fuck builders."

Nothing has changed.

x
(1 kiss.)
  

SUPERHERO MOVIE SATURATION :-[

Hello and yes welcome let's get down to business hmmm? From what I understand, there are more Superhero movies than there are stars in the sky. There are more Superhero movies than there are Deliveroo drivers delivering their precious cargo of high carbohydrate / low nutrition meals to basement flats throughout the modern urban environment.

Eff Cinematic Universes and eff Deliveroo. Yup. That about wraps this post up thanks for reading and see y'all next time.  

Another beautiful truth.
Another excellent post.

A ROYAL ENGAGEMENT. REJOICE!

As you're no doubt aware, at iam___ we are so excited about any situation involving the Royal Family. They are amazing and we are filth. They are so amazing and we are so filthy that sometimes I can't even look at myself in the mirror and just want to die. 
I penned this delicate and vulnerable Haiku. 
Come. Let us reflect:

"Royal.
What does it mean to me?
I wish I had lived in a Royal Womb,
for 9 clean months." - Haiku © 2017. Please Like and Share.

Rejoice! The time has come! Stop smearing your own shit on the wall and pay attention listen up, dumbdumbs! We are dirty, dirty pigs eating slop! 

Yes, that's right, William has decided to marry. The most eligible bachelor in all of Narnia has decided to choose his queen. She is not Caucasian but that's okay in our post-Scarlett Johansson is Master Chief in Ghost in the Shell world. Not sure why everyone's bringing race into this as we are all basically equal (apart from Poland obviously). 
Shame. Shame.

Really feel that this could be the turning point in our collective situation as a species and steer us clear of the Intergalactic Economic Downturn.

Really feel that _____.

Really feel that Harry might settle down and stop playing sillybuggers, and maybe get a job, and stop playing sillybuggers. 

Old Media reported that he (Harry) was 'in the military' but my sources at Buckingham Place stated that's a load of old codswallop. I completed Halo 3 on Legendary Mode so I've seen some serious shit so I know what's up; he was probs a hundred miles away from combat dicking around on Skype, the effing dingdong. 
(That text ^^^^ is fact but the following text is unsubstantiated >>>> I also think that he pressured low-ranking female soldiers into sexual shenanigans. Nothing rapey but defo a lot of pressure. I am aghast. Really bad form, man.)


Q&A
a) Are you interested in this engagement?
b) Are you disinterested in this engagement?
c) (I'm not sure who his fiancé is so I'm going to call her Rebecca) but Rebecca seems a lot prettier than he is so do you think that they'd be engaged if he was like middle management at PC World? (This question is rhetorical.)
d) Does this engagement make you raise your scruffy serf head from the minimum wage cotton fields and say, "Yes! Yes, this is amazing! Rejoice!" or are you pretty whatevs about the situation. (This question is rhetorical.)
e) (_____ self-aware commentary on the Class System.)

At the start of this post I was feeling like 'I don't give a rats ass' about the Royal engagement but now I'm thoroughly behind it. I'm going to put £1 a week to 1 side so that I can contribute because that's all I can do. 
Might buy them some nice flowers for the Reception. 
Might buy them some pigs in blankets for the buffet.

If you don't do your bit or show your support then you are a dog. You are a stinky rat. 
As soon as my fingers have keyed in the last character of this beautiful truth I'm going to head to my bank, withdraw everything, and gift half to the Royal Wedding it is so important and I am filth. 

<3 William
<3 Rebecca

I think THINK she's in some straight to DVD / streaming series so maybe we'll see Prince Harry do some inorganic cameo biz. Those chandeliers aren't going to pay for themselves, y'all. 

In this post I've been exploring my relationship with the Royal Fam.

xx
(2 kisses.)

THE ADULT MICRO SCOOTER QUESTION

As you're no doubt aware we're living the end of days. Russian shenanigans. Korean Peninsular nuclear boogaloo. Brexit. Trump. As self-aware content consumers there's only so much we can do. Sure, we can have a charity cupcake sale to raise awareness for transgender stuff but we need to keep things in perspective. Have you seen an adult (25+) using a micro scooter?

There's a certain childlike naiveté about an adult (25+) using a micro scooter; similar to the white man who enjoys the reggae jam or some dingdong queuing up for a fancypants iPhone / Supreme clothing release.  

Whether it's wanting to get in touch with their inner child (_____ clever Hollywood sex scandal observation) or just a need to effing stick it to The Man we can never truly trust these individuals. What drives them? Should we (as responsible adults (25+) living in the modern urban environment) flag them down and stage an intervention? It's hard, y'all. 

Whereas everyone has the right to curate their own personal brand, if it's straight up fucking wrong, don't we have a responsibility to intervene? Sort of like some bro with a twiddly moustache. 

From what I understand, the government is going to try and make people using those flying drone things go on some mandatory training course. Obviously this is a complete waste of time / resources. Would the time be better spent regulating adults' access to micro scooters or creating some list of adults who own them? I'm absolutely furious with these characters and will be writing a strongly worded email. Might even start a petition on change.org as 1'000 signatures has the same power as 10 Tomahawk Missiles. We can make a diff!


Q&A
a) Are you adult micro scooter?
b) Sometimes at work I see this frumpy-looking broad riding a micro scooter and she has 2 kids with her also riding a micro scooter. The kids have a real dead look in their eyes - sort of like a war veteran. (Not really a question.)
c) What do you think the best Call of Duty was? I think CoD 4: Modern Warfare but then Modern Warfare 2 was also pretty sweetums.
d) Realistically, should we also question the motivations of a grown up still dicking around with skateboards?
e) What aspect of your own personal branding solution could do with a tweak? 

There's a shop that sells 'pro micro scooters' but that's an oxymoron like Tesco Finest.

Going forward into 2018 I'm planning to violently attack anyone utilising a micro scooter in the modern urban environment. (Might expand upon this initiative to include children throwing those snap popper things that go bang on the floor.) I believe the time for moderation has passed. We must act NOW!

:-] happyface

OH, 2016. WHAT ARE YOU?

Highly trained scientists and unemployed post-grads have concluded that years from now, when we're all old and grey, we'll look back at 2016 as the moment things went wrong. 
Come. Let us reflect:

• Death of popular celebs.
• Irreversible climate change.
• Polar bear decimation / soggy penguin.
• Bee decimation / Colony Collapse Syndrome.
• Whatevs launch of Ecksbawks One and PS4.
• Private space shuttle-bro's space shuttle explodes.
• 'Visionary director' Zack Snyder's Batman Vs Superman.
• 'Mental' North Korean nuclear test Vs UN sanctions.
• The £ dropping off into the Mariana's Trench. 

Really, the only good thing that came out of this year is that Leo got his Oscar (and my cat got the all clear from the vet). So where do we go from here, y'all?

As you're no doubt aware the average iamawaitingyourereading reader (nearly 400k obvs) is savvy enough to just 'switch off from the negative vibrations', spend more time on the internet, and buy more things. That's okay for US but what about THEM? We're all in this together; be that Ryan Shrew from Southampton with +15% body fat or Chun Li from China (?) with the Spinning Bird Kick. We have a responsibility as self-aware content consumers living in the modern urban environment to assist our peers and let them know, "Everything will sort itself out :-] happyface."

To this end I've put together a 5 step plan to remedy the situation. Tell a friend. Then that friend will tell a friend. Then that friend will tell a friend. Then, like ripples in a pond, positive vibes and chillwaves will restore our collective species' situation:

1) Ignore All Issues - Obvs the best way to resolve a problem is to ignore it until it sorts itself out.

2) Derail Think Pieces - Intellectual circle jerks have got us, as a species, nowhere. Best thing to do in these situations is spam all threads with cat .gifs.

3) Get A Cat - From what I understand, cats don't care for many things straight off the bat. If you can convince the cat that it cares for you (or can convince yourself that the cat is convinced) then everything is okay.

4) MP3s - Cultivate a strong MP3 library that represents your personal brand; be that reggae music for minimum wage coffee shop-bros, strong female role model broad MP3, or bleepbloop MP3 from Soundcloud - you just do you.

5) The Universe Is HUGE - The universe is huge. It's all a storm in a tea cup.

Q&A

Are you worried about the future?

Are you 'pretty whatevs' about the future?

Do you remember when David Bowie died and everyone was like, "HOW CN KAYNE WEST STILL B ALIV?!!!" Not really a question, but there was a lot of salt that week.

Would you kill a polar bear to save a polar bear?

Should all political situations, regardless of democracy, just be voted on by peeps who actually understand the situaition?

Clinton or Trump? (Oh Gawd we haven't even got to that yet.)

Are 'next generation' consoles just crap PCs?

Are Apple PCs just expensive PCs (but with better branding / customer support)?

Should DC just sell the rights to Batman to Marvel?

These are great days we're living in. Fast internet. Nice skin care products. Loads of competitive prices on the highstreet. Enjoy it, y'all. Savior it, you all.

We might be fighting over a can of tuna come next year.

xoxox

(kiss hug kiss hug, and then a final kiss.)

UNDERSTANDING THE ECONOMIC DOWNTURN: CHRISTMAS

Y'all. Let's continue our efforts to understand the financial crisis, hmmm? 
It's getting close to that time of year where children throughout the 1st World lick their lips lustfully while composing a Letter to Father Christmas. What expensive electronic treasure / piece of molded plastic will they receive? It's an exciting opportunity.

My birthday's in December. I used to pull the old okiedoke and ask my parents for 1 big present, equal to the combined expense of birthday / Christmas. Even at a young age it's important to be a savvy consumer, know what you want, and abuse The Man to get it. It's as valuable a lesson then as it is now; you tell the TV Licensing people, "I have a TV but I only use it for games and watching videos." ;-]
The heart wants what the heart wants, but mostly doesn't want to pay anything for it.

Just want to use this post to explore our relationship with Christmas / miscellaneous generosity in the midst of The Intergalactic Financial Crisis. On 1 hand it's important to give to others - but maybe this time round we should adopt a very selfish 'every man for himself' type situation; maybe even going so far as to steal products we can't afford from other households, much like life in Central Poland? This situation bred the popular Polish saying, "Every dog is a meal, and every meal should feed a family of 8." Interesting stuff.


Q&A
Will Christmas 2014 be the straw that broke the camels back of the impoverished European Union?
Do you 'put a lil something aside throughout the year' to ease the burden of Xmas, or is that practice mostly for poor people?
What the eff is 'Xmas'?
If you have a large extended family is it best to just chill hard on the internet over the festive period until the madness subsides?
What will you be buying your parents, GF, BF, or BFF this Christmas?
a) Miscellaneous gift card?
b) Last minute panic buy from garage / supermarket combo?
c) Something thoughtful? 
d) Something thoughtful, but ultimately not very good, hoping the thoughtfulness balances the lack of monetary value of the item? (Keeping overheads down.)
e) Something y'all made y'allself? (Keeping overheads down.)
f) Whatevs they want? (Money's no problem.) 
g) Some species of moderately priced animal? (Goldfish, lucky dip cat from a classified add.)
h) Exotic and high-maintenance animal, which will ultimately drive a wedge between you? (Bear?)
i) Exotic underwear? 

At the start of this post I was worried about what effects Christmas will have on the Eurozone, but now I'm feeling a little better about the situation. I'm planning to watch 1-3 TED talks on the subject and maybe join a Flashmob. Might become more active on Reddit.
I strongly suggest y'all do the same.


x
(1 kiss)

PARKOUR SEEMS A RELEVANT WAY TO STICK IT TO THE MAN

I was walking through the modern urban environment and saw a group of youths performing the popular teen hobby of parkour. From what I understand, the modern urban environment becomes your playground. You are jumping over a wall of above average height. You are balancing on a rail. You are jumping down stairs, climbing railway property, and refusing to cooperate with police.
You are sticking it to the man / maxed out on your overdraft.
You are free.

Seems like a great outlet to 'blow off steam and effing be yourself'. Let's get real; sometimes the world just doesn't understand you / your situation, so it's great you can round up a group of your core bros and play sillybuggers in a local space. Up until now young white people had so few ways to truly express themselves (marijuana amphetamine bongs, a kickaround in the local leisure centre, reggae music). I'm not a scientist but I guess that's why we never see a black person doing parkour - as they have loads of great activities to participate in already (professional athleticism, the rap game / gang culture / put a cap in a dome, 'protesting about black issues via social media or sharing a poignant think piece'). 
I guess it takes all sorts.


Q&A
Much like the micro scooter meme of 2010, I thought that this situation was done and dusted. (Not really a question.) 
Do your parents / middle manager not understand you / your personal brand? :-[
Shouldn't it be enough that you:
a) Turn up to work on time?
b) Delete your browser history? 
Or do they want something more?
What's the most relevant way to stick it to The Man?
a) Partially shaved haircut situation?
b) Being born rich / dating a poor person combo?
c) Being born poor / dating a rich person combo?
d) Charity fun run?
e) Ambiguous social media profile piccy?
f) Turning up late to work / ignoring deadlines?
g) Living in the woods?
h) MP3s?
Aren't we all just trying to find the most relevant outlet to minimise the stresses of the 1st World, be it starting the mosh pit or getting breast implants?
Just want to ask 1 question really - did anyone play Mirrors Edge?

xx
(2 kisses.)

THE NHS SENT ME A SURVEY. I AM GLAD.

Y'all.
Have y'all ever heard about the NHS? From what I understand, it provides jobs for medical students who can't find work privately due to poor grades / miscellaneous misconduct. It also offers experienced call centre staff the chance to earn over £9 an hour manning the phones for 999 Emergency Services and 111 Casual Services Hotline. It's an exciting opportunity. Unfortunately, The Man / Government is constantly trying to destroy the NHS; dismantling its infrastructure and undermining its situation.
Obviously we should try to keep ourselves to ourselves where politics are concerned. There's just so much content out there, y'all. We can't afford to waste time and 'get the knickers in the twist' when there're so many torrents to illegally download. MP3s. 1080p movie torrents. Games. TV series' and of course amazing pornography. Sometimes it's a wonder that anything gets done ;-]

As you're no doubt aware, The Man / Government doesn't have a very evolved online presence and prefers to send 'serious letters' to civilians :-[ 
This morning they sent a letter to me.

Fortunately my parents brought me a reasonably priced Dell Desktop PC with printer / scanner combo for Christmas, so I can scan it and share it with y'all. 

I'm feeling happy because I've been chosen. 
I'm also making a substantial diff in the world because I'm learning about PM David Cameron. (PM = Prime Minister.) 

This photo ^^^ makes me proud to be British. I feel that I finally 'get' David Cameron. 

In image 1) we see that our leader is well informed. He's taking the time to chat shop with some frumpy-looking broad. Thank eff that a photographer was there or we might have missed this content.

In image 2) we see that our leader is basically a bro; he's one of us. He's playing sillybuggers with the staff. He's probably talking about a popular TV series on Sky HD or something about Tesco Local. He's loling out loud.

In image 3) David seizes an opportunity to promote his compassionate personal brand.

I feel that I finally 'get' David Cameron. 


Q&A
Have you ever voted or is that for people who're trying too hard?
Are letters the most unself-aware form of communication?
Why are there no black people / miscellaneous coloureds near our PM? 
a) Innocent coincidence?
b) Passive aggressive racism?
c) Missed opportunity?
Will the soft collar / no tie personal brand be big for politicians in 2014?
WTF is an MRI scan?

xxx
(3 kisses.)

WHAT WILL REPLACE THE OWL ECONOMY?

Hey y'all.
We've spent long enough investigating the Global Financial Crisis that we now have a pretty good grasp on the situation. Politically, we're right up there with some bro watching TED seminars online or some broad who's vegan - we just get it.

From what I understand, the Owl Economy continues to decline :-( sadface. Mysterious illuminati-like figures behind dated BS retail shops (BHS, Bert's Homestore, and Debenhams) are on the lookout for the next big thing. As self aware content consumers we're in a really strong position to predict up and coming trends. If we organise ourselves, liquidate our collective net worth, and invest heavily in _____ we could make redonk mad bank.

"I am constantly trying,
to raise my net worth,
by embracing emerging trends.
WTF is The Bitcoin?" - A Delicate Haiku 

'Jesus Christ'. What's the next big thing going to be? 

Ironic 80's Revival Revival

Orange. Green. Red. Yellow. Bold colours. You are wearing them. Maybe we should invest in an ironic revival of the recent 80's revival?

Badgers

The badger has an edgy personal brand. Broads who embraced the Owl Economy (in 2008) are now wiser and world-weary. They've been hurt :-( sadface. Rebranding their situation with badger merchandise would show them to be strong and independent as they heal (into 2014).

 Dinosaur Situations

Maybe we should all look into dinosaurs, y'all? Jurassic Park V (V = 5?) is in the pipeline for 2015, which should take sales to such great heights. 

Fox Animal

Despite a reputation for tramp-like behaviour (bin diving in bins, eating pets, stinky fur) the fox continues to have a great public image. Industry experts print foxes on shabby chic tins, frumpy dresses, but also coffee cups.

Matrix Coat

Matrix Coat?







At the start of this post I didn't feel very confident about my understanding of the marketplace, but now I'm feeling very confident :-) happyface.


Q&A
Do you TED? 
What's the diff between 'net worth' and 'gross worth' or are they 'basically the same thing'?
The Man / Government keeps on threatening to cull / murder badgers and foxes. Are owls pulling the strings behind this situation?
Would you change your Facebook profile piccy to support the basic human rights of #badgers or #foxes?
Would you change your Facebook profile piccy to support the cull / murder of #badgers or #foxes?
Do you not give an eff either way?

"Feeling incredibly confused by TED. 
Seems like documentaries made for unemployed postgrads & 3am marijuana smokers. 
Confused." - A Haiku

xx
(2 kisses.)

LERN 2 INTERNET: UNDERSTANDING / IGNORING TORRENT SITE BLOCK SITUATIONS

Y'all. 
Want to get really serious with y'all for this post ]:-[ 
From what I understand, The Man / government is playing silly buggers with our basic human right to free content. Come. Let us reflect:

• The Pirate Bay
• KAT
• EZTV
• Yify-Torrent-bros
• IsoHunt situation 

Unfortunately, The Enemy wants us to pay for digital content - blocking all of ^^^ those amazing websites and many more. Much like an overweight GF going to Zumba classes, they're unwilling to accept that the ship has sailed and it's time to let go :-( sadface. 

Fortunately, Internet Scientists have come up with several countermeasures to circumvent these blocks and reconnect us with nutritious torrents.

Accepting all of ^^^ this as truth, have y'all heard about the come.in?

Due to an amazing number of internets, satellites, and proxy servers we can all once again enjoy the wonderful world of internet piracy. What will y'all DL?

Q&A

WTF is a 'Spinning Class'?

Where will this clusterfuck of prevention / circumvention end?

Do you care about the artist getting paid?

[  ] Yes. 'They are creating content and they deserve to get paid.'

[  ] No. 'Eff everything.'

[  ] I am unsure. '______.'

Realistically we (The Kids) and them (The Man) should just agree to disagree and 'call it a day' where internet piracy in concerned. (This is not a question.)

"1010011110.

Ones and Zeros.

Data containing content that I do not want to pay for.

The heart wants what the heart wants." - An Astonishing Haiku

Do you illegally DL content first, but then 'pay for it if I like it' later - or is this a lie?

xx

(2 kisses.)

PYPB - FASHION OVER FUNCTION

(PYPB / Promoting Your Personal Brand is an informative new feature on iam___ where we investigate how to promote your personal brand, both OTI and AFK.)

-----

Y'all. As you're no doubt aware there are thousands if not millions of people in this amazing world that we live in. In order to increase our exposure and market share there are several steps that we need to take:

• Posting ambiguous selfies in flattering lighting.
• Harvesting MP3s from the internet. 
• Adopting fruityloop fashion accessories.

These ^^^ things separate you from the pack and make people be all like, 'OMG,' when you cross paths. Obviously, you don't need me to tell you this.

Really want to use this post to promote someone with an incredibly strong personal branding solution.

Wearing no shoes in winter / in the crowded urban environment is a bold decision; it demonstrates that you're free-spirited, rustic, and also disbelieving in BS concepts like germs or temperature. Those things are mainstream. You are free.


Q&A
How far would you place fashion over function?
a) Thick scarf / hot day combo?
b) Face tattoo?
c) Favorite sunglasses inside?
d) Tanktop / November combo?
e) Beanie hat 24/7, 365?
f) Ironic wheelchair action?
g) Tiny handbag / large inventory mismanagement?
h) High-heel / short BF combo?
i) High-heel / hill combo?
j) Sporadic prepubescent beard situation into your 20's?
Are germs real? (Seems like they could be a made up thing created by The Man so we buy Oven Cleaner and Branded Handwash Solutions.)
Is rejecting shoes a byproduct of travelling to Asia / finding yourself?
Wtf is 'Jimmy Choo'?

Remain self-aware, y'all. 
x (1 kiss.)

PROMOTING YOUR PERSONAL BRAND: AN INTRODUCTION

As y'all no doubt know there are billions of people in the world but only one you.
As self-aware members of the 1st World we all have a responsibility to be the best that we can be - encouraging jealousy not only in the 3rd World, but also in those 'lower down the food chain' than we are within our local community. This may seem like an intimidating task at first, but fortunately there are a number of activities which can help.
Come. Let us reflect:

• Charity bake sale. (Embracing the Cupcake Economy.)
• Nail selfies. 
• Charity funruns. 
• Temporarily leaving the 1st World to build a well / school / farm / miscellaneous social hub in the 3rd World.
• Creating, maintaining, and promoting your personal brand.

All of ^^^ these activities are excellent. They're fun to participate in - alleviating our White Guilt, but simultaneously 'keep the poor man down', as he cannot participate in these fun activities :-( sadface. From what I understand he has 3rd World Problems like eating food, clean water, and AK-47 machine gun. 

Let's get real ffs. You may think that this stuff is easy but you're fucking dead wrong.
Similarly to the mighty plains of Africa, there's also a pecking order in the modern urban environment. 
Carnivores. Herbivores. 
Are you a lion or 'just another sheep in the wall'?  

Haircut. Clothing. Accessories. Tattoos, but also body piecing / non-prescription glasses combo. MP3s. 
These ^^^ are the things that make you, 'you'. 

We're going to go through all this in an exciting new feature on iam___ called PROMOTING YOUR PERSONAL BRAND. 


Q&A
Out of 10 how would you rate your position within your local community (1 being not very good and 10 being The Cool One)?
People keep on banging on about cupcakes, but experts are starting to violently reject their teachings :-O. Accepting this as truth, which economy will collapse first - the Cupcake Economy or the Beard Economy?
Do you 'judge people for who they are on the inside' or do you 'judge a book by it's cover'?
Just want to ask 1 question really - where is Syria?

Gtg, y'all. Keep safe out there.
<3 heart symbol.

1STWP: ARE SIRENS ON EMERGENCY SERVICE VEHICLES TOO LOUD?

(1st World Problems is a regular feature on iam___ where we explore the many dangers which threaten us as self-aware members of the 1st World. Let's see what today's situation is.)

-----

Hey, y'all. As y'all know - we must constantly be striving to improve our quality of life in the 1st World. We have a responsibility to 'show the others how it's done'. 
We must constantly:

• Exploit those less self-aware than we are to provide us with goods and services 'for the right price'.
• Avoid paying for things that we're entitled to (MP3s, utility bills, unsecured wireless networks).
• Do Flash Mobs / change our Facebook profile pictures to facilitate change.
• Do charity funruns to placate the White Guilt.

I am planning to send a strongly worded email / create an e-Petition to complain about emergency services vehicles; the unacceptable noise which they make startles me and potentially compromises my personal brand. 
Remember, you NEVER know who's watching you, analysing you, and judging you. That's a fact. Can you afford to be 'caught with your pants down' and show fear, hmmm?

Unfortunately, I have not researched the issue - but if I had to guess - I would say that the sirens are loud for the following reasons:

a) To make people notice that THIS is an emergency.

b) 'A small man syndrome'.

c) Show off.

d) Too many buddy-cop films (Lethal Weapon, K9 Police Dog, The Other Guys).
e) To cut through the noise of the modern urban environment.
f) Because it is fun.
g) Very selfish reasons.

As you're no doubt aware, we ALL have emergencies in today's modern world.
Come. Let us reflect:

• Mobile phone on low battery.
• Shop about to close.
• Late for work. "I hope middle management / management does not notice. I do not need this so close to my quarterly pay review."
• Several important things that need doing during a 1 hour lunch break.
• Extending our social network.

Who's to say who's emergency is more pressing?
OURS, as we walk from A to B trying to have a conversation on our phone ffs.
SOME OLD DEAR, who can't feel her legs.
?

Take care of y'allselves.
<3 heart symbol.

IS NETFLIX A LOAD OF OLD CODSWALLOP?

As you're no doubt aware it's 1 of our basic human rights to illegally download content from the internet. It truly is a victimless crime.
Come. Let us rejoice:

1) Reduces Global Warming - No physical media, booklet, or packaging to clutter up your living space in the modern urban environment.
2) Encourages / Cyberbullies the Artist - To survive in the current intergalactic economic downturn and monitise their situation they must offer us only their best MP3s. We can sample them à la Carte. We will stomach no BS or filler.
3) Revenge - We've all been wronged by The Money behind the artists. Pre-ordering, limited editions, and reissues have made us all very >:-( angryface. NOW is our time to strike back for great justice.
4) Ease of Access - Satellites > Internet > Electricity > Computer.
5) The Price is Right - £0

Accepting all of this as truth, we must take content 'as a given' and offer content creators money only on OUR terms. (Merchandise / limited edition thingy / emotional photography book / T Shirt / live experience.)

Have y'all heard of The Netflix? From what I understand, Netflix plugs into your laptop and offers you films and TV shows. 
Thought I'd give it a try in order to 'give something back'.

Pros:
Free Trial.
Easy to cancel. No 'fucking bullshit' cancellation scam.
Nice, clean interface. 

Cons:
HD streaming does not work. Not at all.
Limited selection of TV shows.
Sort of like to have a copy of the content. From what I understand Netflix only streams content and offers no files for downloading. Feel like this is unacceptable.


Q&A
Do you believe in The Netflix?
Is paying for content for lameOs and squares?
When was the last time you paid for content?
Who are these people who still pay for MP3s?
Should iTunes be bundled with Internet Explorer to offer 'the complete internet experience' to primitive internet users?

Today was brought to you by Netflix.

xxxo
(3 kisses & 1 hug.)

ARE MICRO 12.5G POUCHES OF TOBACCO LEGIT?

Hey, y'all. Let's get down to business, hmmm?
After the illegal War on Terror we, as a species, learned the following situations:

• Always question The Man.
• Automatically distrust The Old Media and antiquated authority figures.
• e-Petitions can change the world.
• 1 Flashmob in the crowded urban environment is more powerful than 10 Tomahawk Missiles in the crowded urban environment.

Seems like Uncle Tom's been up to his old tricks again; trying to feed us another line. This time round it's pouches of tobacco. 

The Man / Enemy would have us believe that these newfangled micro pouches contain as much nutritious tobacco as the normal sized ones. Obviously this a load of olds codswallop - a textbook slice of misdirection by conglomerate retailers, corrupt politician men, Fat Cat city banker-man men, and extortionate cornershop business models.  

From what I understand, these pouches are vacuum packed or something to force maximum tobacco per square inch of packaging. Unfortunately, I have not researched the issue - but if I had to guess - I would say that the tobacco companies are trying to reduce their Carbon Footprint. As y'all know we only have 1 planet and must take every step to protect it. 
That means cutting greenhouse emissions by 2018. 
That means no driving your car, unless it is an electric car. 
That means we must force China to stop pollution by 2031.  


Q&A
How the eff can we make The Man admit that these micro pouches contain about 10.5g - 11g and not 12.5g?
These pouches look a lil bit kute - do you like them?
Should the major DIY teddybear retailer, Build A Bear, jump onboard and offer these micro pouches of tobacco as accessories for delinquent teddybears?

Is giving your child a poor selection of accessories for his / her Build A Bear enabling them to grow into the future deadbeat boyfriends / single mothers of tomorrow?

Don't even smoke anymore unless it's a special occasion. 
Just sick of being lied to by mysterious illuminati-man figures.  

"I want my child,
to grow up in a world,
free from _____.
Free." - an incredibly vulnerable Haiku © 2013

<3
(Heart symbol.)