5 LEGENDARY SEDUCTION TECHNIQUES FOR BOYS AGE 13+

Last week I saw this film in which Ryan Gosling and the man from The American Office find out about crazy, stupid love. According to IMDb it was called Crazy, Stupid, Love.

In it, Carell is taught about one night stands and then his wife is a bitch and then there is some shopping and then there is some crazy golf and then there is a school and then he has sex with his daughter and Kevin Bacon does some stuff too. Loads of lols and high 5's are exchanged.

He's looking at you, looking at him, looking intense. 

Anyways, at the start of the film, Gosling teaches Carell how to make women putty in his dirty little paws. But at least 4 of his 5 scams to sleep with women are rape and that's not cool, man.

I have scoured the internets to bring you the 5 ways to seduce a woman consensually. Practice these skills on ugly, distant family members this Christmas and you'll be ready to seduce a woman of your very own in time for New Years Eve!


1) BE DIRECT

Be like Kanye West. Approach the woman with confidence. Invoke the playful glint of mystery in your eye (use glitter) and say she must be your black Kate Moss. She simply must. If a black Kate Moss does not appeal to you - you can also demand she become a white Beyonce, a black Jessica Biel, a beige Tia Carrere, a black man, or a Fire Pokemon of your choosing.

I Googled, ' kanye west stupid'. Textbook.

Sample Conversation:
(Deploy this at a bar or maybe at a bus shelter.)

You: "You can be my black Kate Moss."
Her: "No, it's ok thanks. I'm just waiting for my friends and then we're leaving."
You: "Maybe you don't hear so good..."


2) KEEP IT REALLY REAL (LIKE A RAP MAN)

I read this article in a local paper once where they interviewed a local bad dude and all round dick grabber (I forget his name) but he was a hip hop man. When asked to explain what hip hop was to him he replied, "It be the way you carry yourself, the way you speak and act, the way jah eat jah chicken!"

That's keeping it really, really real. Unless you want to end up a Lonely Guy, a Jerk, or with ¡Three Amigos! - you'll keep it as real as humanly possible too.

:'( sadface with tear

Sample Conversation:
(Right up close to her ear, deep inside her personal space, like so close your breath hurts her eardrum.)

You: Do you like the movie?
You: Do you like the type of movie?
You: Do you like me?
Her: ...

It is imperative you do not wait for an answer to any question. Try this after watching a movie.


3) SHOW YOU ARE A SERIOUS BUSINESS MAN

How much money do you have on you right now? I have none. I am sitting desnudo on the bed at 2am. My penis is flaccid. However, if you ask me at any time between 10am and 10pm I will usually have anywhere between £0 and £15 on me. Cash.

'What's the key for? It's the key to your heart.'

Gone are the dates when you (the man) had to pay for her (the woman). The battle of the sexes is over and we won everything. You are now both the provider.

Sample Conversation: 
(Church.)

You: I think you're one of the most erotic women I have seen today, a really solid 6/10. I will agree to take you anywhere if you will agree to pay half.


4) BE SENSITIVE (WITH FEELINGS)

This young human is being sensitive (with feelings).

In my experience, a woman is soft and delicate - like a pillow made of rabbits made of glass. Care for it with feelings.

After the Golden Age of cinema in the 80's (with astonishing real-life stories such as The Running Man, Time Cop, Predator, and Ghost Busters), most every film since has been a bastard lie. They all have 3 things in common:

1) The promo poster has a white background and the title is in a black and white coloured font.
2) No explosions :( sadface.
3) Heresy and lies.

One thing all these films reek of is feelings. You must say that you have feelings. My colleagues and I find it best to say we have pets. A kitten, a puppy, a fish. Don't say you have something fucking retarded like a hamster, well unless you plan to dress it up like a kitten. Girls like dresses, amirite?

Sample Conversation:
(A crowded room. Funeral. Your eyes meet. Give her the ;-) confident winking face.)

You: Hello. I have a puppy.

Her: Oh, wow that's amazing! Does this mean you also have feelings?!
You: Yes. I have a puppy and I have a feelings. Sex?
Her: You betcha!


5) BE A KIND MAN

Do you remember that bit at the end of Titanic where Leo pushed Kate off the bit of floating wreckage to keep himself afloat while she drowned? No, me neither. He was being a kind man.

There's that old saying, "nice guys finish last." According to my research this is a fallacy. (In actuality, fat guys finish last. Mostly because they are rubbish at running and no one likes them).

That couple you see walking down the street and you're all, "WTF THAT GUY LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING DICK AND THAT GIRL IS TOO HAWT FOR HIM!!!1"

He is the nice guy. Know your enemy.

'If I let her go, like a snowflake, she will be gone.'

Sample Conversation: 
(Imagine an X Factor audition where the prize is the most valuable thing of all - love.)

You: Hello. I have a mum and she is dying of the AIDs. I just really need an opportunity to find happiness after this long and painful year I just really need an opportunity to find happiness.
Her: Oh, you poor thing! Come. Let me care for you.
You: <trollface>


CONCLUSION:

Well, there you have it. Use the almost magical power of these tips at your own discretion. You can mix and match any of the 5 for great justice, but please for the love of God act responsibly!


NOTES:

• Do it for the lols. Like last night, the mrs and I were watching that Cowboys and Aliens film. At the end of the movie the alien gets a chance to kill Daniel Craig but stops to fuck around, in true bad guy fashion. Craig then kills the alien by pouring molten gold on it. I turned round and said, "He (the alien) missed his golden opportunity." Meanwhile, Craig walks off sans comment. This is why Piece Brosnan is a better Bond.
• Buy some nice hats. 
• That is all.

COCA-COLA IS A BIG FAT STUPID HEAD

I saw this earlier and my childhood memories became most :( sadface.



Left= Some piece of crap Coca-Cola truck I saw outside the 711 in Toronto.
Right = Legit.

THINGS WHAT I HAVE LEARNED SINCE BEING IN TORONTO

In Toronto there are two kinds of people. People who are Canadian and everyone else. I hadn't travelled anywhere prior to this mission. Well, I'd been on the obligatory school trip to France and on a jolly with the parents to Majorica. But other than that I hadn't left Blighty for over a decade.

I thought starting in a place that spoke English, and was basically a poor mans America, was a good start. The more thing change the more they stay the same, right?

Wrong.


1) I CANNOT BUY BOOZE ANYWHERE  :(  SADFACE

Want to go to the corner shop to buy some Cava? Forget about it. Cheap crates of booze from the local supermarket. Jog on, chuckles. Takeaway bottle of overpriced, chicken in a basket style Old World white wine from a restaurant? Fucking forget it. You've more chance of filling that grubby Tesco carrier bag with a blow job from the skank waitress and taking that home. You've moar chance of asking for and receiving a unicorn egg.

Standard Canadian drinks promotion. 

There are, from what I can gather and unless I'm missing something, only 3 shops you can buy nutritious alcoho-lols from. They all have stoopid acronyms for names, but they are all called U R F C U K E D L O L.

Maybe I'm spoiled back home, and to be fair it's approximately 100% of the reason why our country is such an underachieving clusterfuck of dying brain cells, but I miss being able to get cheap booze wherever I please.

Standard.

2) DO YOU LIKE ROADS?

I don't drive, so roads are always an inconvenience stopping me on my righteous travels from A to B. Traffic lights, zebra crossings, bull dyke Lolly Pop Ladies - these things do not exist here.

The roads seem to work on an honours system. You can cross the road when the White Man says, "Go" (massive bonus points for the passive aggressive racism).

You have a window of a 20 to 5 seconds countdown to cross at certain points. These times are not directly proportional to the width and girth of the crossing, and are in fact just guesstimates from the village idiot who learned timing from the drummer from Fleetwood Mac (because he can't drum good, amirite?).

Occasionally, there is a Bonus Round where you can cross diagonally, like that bit in Drafts when you can zig zag all over the board like the car in Monopoly piloted by the dog in Monopoly (maybe the dog is wearing the top hat from Monoply just to mix it up - fuck it, why not?). It also reminds me of Pac Man when he gets really high on the MD bomb in the middle and then chases the ghosts for a cuddle, only everyones Pac Man, and there are no walls to contain the madness.

Canadian street sign. Turn left at Fuck You and You're a Sonofabitch

I keep stopping at intersections to let cars go past. They look at me with the gentle gratitude that the sexy bitch in The Last of the Mohicans gave Daniel day-Lewis when he decided to save her and not rape her. As they drive past me and give me a cheerful wave, I'm all like, "Well Goddamn, you're a complete bastard. I could've gone then."

3) LIKE A DINOSAURS DICK, MY POUND IS FLACCID

Do you like stuff? I like stuff. Due to our county being, well - lets be real about it, a complete shambles, my golden British Paaand is worth about as much as a VHS of Extreme Rollerbooting. Maybe narrated by Mario Lopez.

I Googled 'stock falling graph'. This came up. Figures.

I use 2L bottles of Pepsi Max as an average barometer of how much my money is worth because I have quite a severe addiction. Like, a deep phycalogical problem. Back home, I can buy a bottle for £1.50ish or usually 2 for 2 Paaand on offer. Over here, a bottle is about $2.50ish or 2 for $4 on offer. It's late and I can't be bothered to check the exact conversion on my fancy Android, but the Mrs tells me that $4 is about £2.75. 

This means the pound is weak against the Canadian Dollar. That is all.

4) STUFF THAT IS GOOD

I've only been here, like 2 1/2 weeks but I have discovered the following. I now tell you these amazing discoveries using words.

Mostly *, Canadian women are slender. I think it's to do with all the fucking walking. My second day here I walked 14 miles according to my phones pedometer. I can finally fit into those jeans HAHA LOL shhhh. (In other news, I believe the unfortunately named pedometer should probably measure, oh I don't know, proximity to paedophiles as its name suggests. It should really be called a stepometer).

One of these women is doing it right.

Also, Canadians like the Queens English. I had to adopt this archaic style of language otherwise no bastard could understand me. I finally found out what it feels like to be a Polish Post Grad talking to an Englishman while he fixes the Englishman's sink. I faced a lot of nodding and polite smiles, which I eventually figured out meant they had no idea what I was saying. I got that look, like constantly when I first got here. I think we converse too fast down South. I had to talk like Colin Firth between À la carte portions of dick to be understood. 

Not just a clever metaphor. Single Man. Gay film is gay.

The flipside of this is that everyone I've met here loves it. I've scored free stuff, fancy treatment in shops, compliments from strangers and I'm pretty sure I could've pulled some dudes at this gay club we went to.

--- ( WT WE HAVE LERNED? ) ---

• OMG so much! I may do a follow up to this, as Canadians have many other cultural malfunctions. Their mobile phone tariffs are fail and they have no 3G.
• Too much walking hurts your knees. I think I knackered a tendon.
• They don't do rolling tobacco either. What fresh hell is this.

* I have not seen every woman in Toronto some of them may be fatty fat fatsos. Please bear this in mind and take the appropriate precautions. Bacon to distract and a harpoon for the kill.

LIU WANG AND CASE OF THE MISSING MILLIONS

--- ( CASE CLOSED. WIN? FAIL? FIND OUT AT THE BOTTOM ) ---

LIU WANG AND CASE OF THE MISSING MILLIONS

--- ( Gollygosh, this is my lucky day! Mysterious serious business man Liu Wang has chosen me out of the dozens of people using the internet to be his serious business partner. I haven't read most of what he sent me because Liu deploys some pretty impressive walls of text. I think the gist of it, is that some dude has died and he wants to leave me $1.5 billion Taiwanese New Dollars. I thought the conversion rate of all the TND in the universe would be, like, 68p - but I needn't have been so cynical as it equates to $44.5 million USD! Fucking win! "What is to be done", he asks? Lets find out... ) ---

--- ( ! WARNING ! Liu has learnt all the English words ever and is using them all at once in a kind of literary Shock and Awe campaign. ! TL;DR ! ) ---

Hello,

Thank you very much for your mail. I am Mr. Liu Wang, bank officer with the International bank of Taipei, Taiwan. Let me give you a detailed description of what is in this transaction for us. In June 2003, My late client Muhannad Al-Hakim, an Iraqi Crude oil merchant made a numbered fixed deposit of One Billion Five hundred Million Taiwanese New Dollars ($1,500,000,000.00 Taiwanese New Dollars) for 18 calendar months, this is valued to Forty Four million Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars ($44.5 Million United States Dollars) only in my branch. Upon maturity several notices were sent to him, even during the war (U.S and Iraqi war), Seven years ago (2004). Again after the war another notification was sent and still no response came from him. We later found out that Muhannad Al-Hakim and his family had been killed during the war in a bomb blast that hit his home at Mukaradeeb where his personal oil well was. After further investigation it was also discovered that Muhannad Al-Hakim did not declare any next of kin in his official papers including the paper work of his bank deposit. And he also confided in me the last time he was at my office that no one except me knew of his deposit in my bank. So, the Forty Four million Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars is still lying in my bank and no one will ever come forward to claim it. What bothers me most is that according to the laws of my country at the expiration of Six years Six months the funds will revert to the ownership of the Taiwan Government if nobody applies to claim the funds. Against this backdrop, we still have about two more months left for someone to come up and claim the funds as next of kin to this fund. My suggestion to you is that I will like you as a foreigner to stand as the next of kin to Muhannad Al-Hakim so that you will be able to receive his funds and for the money be pulled out from my bank and out from my country.

WHAT IS TO BE DONE? I want you to know that I have had everything planned out so that we shall come out successful. I have contacted an attorney that will prepare the necessary documents

that will back you up as the next of kin to Muhannad Al-Hakim , all that is required from you at this stage is for you to provide me with your details as below:

Full Name:

Contact Address:

Occupation:

After you have been made the next of kin, the attorney will also file in for claims on your behalf and secure the necessary approval and letter of probate in your favor for the move of the funds to an account that will be provided by you. There is no risk involved at all in this matter as we are going to adopt a legalized method and the attorney will prepare all the necessary documents. Please endeavor to observe utmost discretion in all matters concerning this issue. Once the funds have been transferred to your nominated bank account we shall share in the ratio of 60% for me, 40% for you. Should you be interested please send me your full names and current residential address.Finally after that I shall provide you with more details of this operation. Your earliest response to this letter will be appreciated.

Kind Regards,

Liu

---

Liu Wang,

the words you are speaking to me are of great interest. i am a simple Christian man (see the attached photo) and i deal with business in as transparent a way as possible. i can certainly accommodate your situation, but i must see for who it is i am dealing.

before we dance the dance please attach a photo of yourself so i know there is maximum security

yours sincerely.

Adam

The hair says retarded but the smile says retarded.

--- ( tl;dr ) ---

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your reply and your interest to help me in this transaction. I appreciate your interest in my proposal and I sincerely hope that we can work together as a team of two men in a spirit of partnership in this endeavor. Given what I have in hand and the fact that I can not run it alone as I said before, it became necessary for me to seek your assistance to partner with me.I actually got your email contact from a friend of mine who works at the Chambers of Commerce here in the Taipei (Taiwan), I went to him with the zeal of locating a possible business partner overseas who will assist me in this project but note that I did not specify the nature of this business to him due to the nature of the business,that was how i got your contact.

As I told you, I have hired the services of an attorney that will procure all necessary documentations that will back you up as the next of kin to my late client. It will be stated in the documentations that you are the only surviving distant relative.

Like I said earlier, due to this issue on my hands now, it became necessary for me to seek your assistance. I appreciate the fact that you are ready to assist me in executing this project, and I will want you also to assist me in investing my share of the funds in your country. I will do everything legally required to ensure that the project goes smoothly and it shall pass through all Laws of International Banking.

Having resolved to entrust this transaction into your hands, I want to remind you that, it needs your commitment and diligent follow up. If you work seriously, the entire transaction should be over in a couple of days.

READ THE FOLLOWING AND GET BACK TO ME:

"Purpose of Deposit: SAFE KEEPING" - moar like buying $44.5m worth 
of booze, sex, and Transformers toys. The value can only go up.

I need your total devotion and trust to see this through. I know we have not met before, but I am very confident that we will be able to establish the necessary trust that we need to execute this project.

I shall advise you on the bank I want you to open an account in which has corresponding working agreements with my bank and shall have no problems with regards to the transfer of the funds to your account there. You shall also need to open a new account in your name in your country and this must not be your existing account, the two accounts must be new accounts. The funds once transferred from my bank to your offshore account, I shall advise you on how the funds can be transferred to your account in your country using the bank's online facility. This is the best way I have found, it will protect us from my bank and the monetary body. I want us to enjoy this money in peace when we conclude. So I advise that you follow my instructions religiously.

Also you have to know that I cannot transfer this money in my name as my bank will be aware that it is from me. This is where I need you. I will not request any up front charges from you to me over-here in Taiwan. But you will be in charge of providing the minimum account opening balance that is needed to activate the offshore account. Setting up an offshore account is not expensive as I have inside knowledge, as one who has being in the banking firm for over two decade now. I will obtain a certificate of deposit from my bank and letter of administration from the Probate registry, it will be issued in your name. This will make you the bonafide owner of the funds. After this, the money will be transferred to your offshore account and then you can transfer the funds to your newly opened account in your country.

We can then instruct your bank after the money has been transferred to your newly opened account to transfer our various shares into our respective home bank accounts. I will also perfect the documentations with the assistance of my attorney to give the transaction the legal right.

Kindly provide me with a copy of your identity(driver's license or international passport). I will attach my Identity card to you after I have seen yours for your perusal and trust. Our local telephone lines could be intercepted easily, so they are not safe for this transaction. For this reason I am arranging for a more secured means of communication. Meanwhile, you can reach me via this email pending when all arrangements for the confidential phone number and fax number has been completed.

Ensure that you keep this project confidential because of the nature of this transaction and my work. Please reply soonest.

My sincere regards,

Liu Wang

--- ( Maybe he doesn't read too good. FEED ME PICS! ) ---

Liu Wang,

i am now suspicious, as i have asked you for the photo of Liu Wang and none has been forthcoming. are you the man i can trust, or an enemy of free men everywhere? my mother told me about men like you. said you'd...use me.

now i ask for your troth. reply with a photo so i can have maximum assurance.

i am awaiting youre reading

Adam

--- ( He fed me pics. ) ---

Dear Friend,

Thanks for your mail. I have just received your e-mail and the content therein is well understood by me. I want you to know that it is imperative you bear the cost of opening the offshore account, while i take care of the cost of processing the legal document that will back you as the rightful next of kin to my late client. you have to open the offshore account with a bank that i will recommend for you. It is not advisable for us to transfer the funds to your local bank account in your country from my bank here in Taiwan.

This is where I need you. I will not request any up front charges from you to me over-here in Taiwan. But you will be in charge of providing the minimum account opening balance that is needed to activate the offshore account. Setting up an offshore account is not expensive as I have inside knowledge, as one who has being in the banking firm for over two decade now. I will obtain a certificate of deposit from my bank and letter of administration from the Probate registry, it will be issued in your name. This will make you the bonafide owner of the funds. After this, the money will be transferred to your offshore account and then you can transfer the funds to your newly opened account in your country.

I want you to know that the bank that i want to recommend for you is a bank that have good service relationship with my bank for a very long time. So it will be very easy for you to use the service of the bank to transfer the funds from my bank, because both banks have enjoy business together for a very long time.

I want you to know that i have plan everything out, so i suggest you follow my instruction and let conclude this transaction without the monetary body of my bank raising eye brown. Please see attached for certificate of deposit and my family photos. Also do send me a copy of your a copy of your identity(driver's license or international passport) for my veiw.

I need your consent so that i can send you the contact details of the bank to setup the offshore account.

I look forward to your swift response to my mail.

Liu.

---

Liu Wang,

you have proven yourself a man i can trust, and for this i thank you. one has met men online before. i dont really like to talk about it - but lets just say my heart was broken and i was quite aggressively sodomised :( sadface. but enough about one. i feel it is time for another troth, dont you?

as you have shown me your family i will now show you mine. then our business can get to second base.

see the attached photo. this is my family. well, we are friends really like Friends the show. if i was in Friends i think id most likely be Rachael. let us exchange troths: 

Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Ross, Chandler,
Joey, and Ian. The whole gangs there!

1) which Friends character are you most like?

2) do you like me?

ANSWER THIS AND WE GET TO SECOND BASE AND I SEND THE PASSPORT AND DRIVING LICENSE TO YOU.

i am awaiting youre reading

Adam

--- ( How do I sent passport? ) ---

Dear Friend,

Thanks for your mail. I have just received your e-mail and the content therein is well understood by me. I want you to know that it is imperative you bear the cost of opening the offshore account, while i take care of the cost of processing the legal document that will back you as the rightful next of kin to my late client. you have to open the offshore account with a bank that i will recommend for you. It is not advisable for us to transfer the funds to your local bank account in your country from my bank here in Taiwan.

LUI. WANG. HUMAN? ALL CAPS.

--

Liu Wang,

thankee for the passport. i am going to print it and laminate it and buy internets with it because i am a cyber criminal i hope you dont mind soz. i am like Oceans 11 but i live in your modem. i think i figured out what Friends character you are - you are sooo Chandler! if you want to know for why, send me your birth certificate and at least one of your children. the birth certificate you can have back (well after i print it and laminate it and buy internets blah blah blah).

your child will stay with me.

anyways - alta la vista, baby.

--- ( CASE CLOSED )---

WIN 

Liu never did get back to me. Maybe he wore his fingers down to the knuckle tap tap tapping all of those MASSIVE FUCKING WALLS OF TEXT LERN 2 INTERNET U NOOB. If Liu Wang was paid by the word, he'd be the richest scammer in all of Nigeria. My laptop screen physically started to sag in the corners due to the volume of words Liu was filling it with. I also award Liu several +1's to his internets for taking the time with MS Paint to do that bank deposit thing. It looked very official and not at all liek a GCSE IT project. Not at all. If I were his mum I'd definitely put that pride of place on the fridge, right next to his 100 meter swimming certificate, his Love Racism - Hate Music pin badge, and his busy bollocks diploma from the university of serious business. 

Anyways, if he does send one of his kids I hope he sends the fat, happy baby because that fleece thing looks like its made of soft, cloud-like cashmere. I bet it'd make a most excellent pillow for the kitten. 

Or I could hollow it out and turn it into this!
That's what baby's are for, right?

  

SCORE: 4 / 5 HIGH 5'S

--- ( WT WE HAVE LERNED? ) ---

• Googling H from Steps came up with a whole bunch of H from Steps dead results. Go check. My research department (Terrapins) spent days confirming or denying this fact. No one on the entire planet is entirely sure.
• H's real name is Ian Watkins. Like the gaylord from Lost Prophets. Coincidence?!
• That is all.

RISKAY: SMELL YO oIo

Internet. It is provider, entertainer, teacher, and sometimes lover. Often lover. (My other half is in a different time zone :( sadface). On my travels across the internets I have seen some amazing things. Like a clean Mad Max, I roam the wastelands looking for truth, justice, and situations. Recently I came upon a treasure.

It's a song called "Smell Yo Dick". I didn't miss the "ur" off "Your", it's actually titled "Yo" *. Black people are super-duper cool. I digress.

Follow this link for at least 1 of your 5 LOLs a day. Go ahead, I'll wait. NSFW.

or

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ruef7aYCEbc

"Oh hell noes! I'm an Amazon! AN EBONY QUEEN!!!1"

This abortion comes from the pen of an amazing animal called "Riskay". Pokemon Masters say that this bloated bitch is the next evolutionary state of Queen Latifah. (Fat? Check. Black? Check. Outstanding contribution to the arts? Check. Furthermore, no one has ever seen them in the same place at the same time). Riskay is the Blastoise to Queen Latifahs Squirtle. 

One of these Pokemon makes Romantic Comedies with Steve Martin.
One of them wants to smell a dick and doesn't much care for dirty foot bitches.

This song is LOL. It's so funny I can't stop watching it. I've watched it once a day for a week now. That's more then 11 times. It's not because it's good. It's not. It's fucking dross. But what fascinates me is that no one in this video (not even the 2 sasquatch looking bad dudes at about 1.40 who do the little-raise-the-roof dance) seems to be doing it for the LOLs. This is serious business for all involved. I am amaze. Like when you drive past a badger that's been run over - you don't want to look and you feel sorry for its stinky roadkill complexion - but you look anyways because it's not everyday you see such a hairy mammal prostrated to the floor with its gut hanging out.  

There's a lot going on in this video but for God's sake pay attention to the words.

(Opening)
Nigga this the fifth teeth muthafuckin time that I called and left yo ass messages
I dun text yo bitch ass and you aint responded to nothing
What the fuck is you doin who tha fuck you out there with you think I'm stupid my girls dun already put me up on yo ass tonight night nigga when you get home I got som news foe yo bitch ass

(Chorus 2times)
Why you coming home five in the mone
Somethings going on can I smell yo dick?
Don't play me like a fool cause dat ain't cool
So what you need to do is let me smell yo dick

(Hook 1)
It's four o'clock and I'm sleepin' and it's late night and you creeping you could've told me I'm leavin' now I know you out there cheatin' why you got to do me like dat when I call you don't call me back I'm texting you now nigga where you at that's fucked up why you do me like dat

(Verse 1)
I'm dead sleep and you trickin'
In the club wit dirty foot bitches
My gurl was there she witness
She had a camera phone she took pictures
You was on the dance flo grindin'
With a stripper hoe named Diamond
You was flossin' hard you was shinning
Everything she drink you buyin' it
Fuck nigga you need to stop lien' foe I get mad and pull out my nine
You want a new bitch to fuck that's fine but don't fuck hers and try to fuck mine
You keep tellin me you ain't touch her but some keep tellin me you dun fucked her and I ain't that bitch you want to play wit nigga drop them boxers let me smell yo dick

(Chours 2times)
Why you coming home five in the mone
Somethings going on can I smell yo dick?
Don't play me like a fool cause dat ain't cool
So what you need to do is let me smell yo dick

(Unknown)
Smell my dick wait a minute hold up see that's how a bitch get her eyes swoll up and I don't give a damn what yo homegurls seen when I was in the club what the fuck you mean they ain't got no business eyein' me like dat
You ain't got no business tryin' me like dat
I wun even feelin' Diamond like dat I was wildin' but I wasn't clowin' like dat
Dat's alright dat's okay gon head believe what yo homegurl say a nigga like me drink a lot of liquor meet a lot of bitchs take a lot of pictures
I might break bread wit one or two strippers but that don't mean you got to pull my zipper
Thinking I dick down the whole town even though I got dick to go around

(Chorus 2times)
Why you coming home five in the mone
Somethings going on can I smell yo dick?
Don't play me like a fool cause dat ain't cool
So what you need to do is let me smell yo dick.

---

When these words are copy pasted directly into MS Word there's an incredible 64 spelling errors (probably more, I didn't do an exact count). The program also deleted itself straight after and my laptopotomous started to die inside. I think it wanted the pain to stop. It's also said that when these lyrics are assembled in the correct order it's like a verbal pentagram - you can summon all kinds of fail directly from the 8th Circle of Hell. If you speak these words aloud into a mirror 3 times, Riskay will appear behind you and do that waggy finger mmm mmm thing that black women do in films.

"AM I DOING IT RITE?"

She'll probably then kill you afterwards or something - I don't know I'm too scared to try. Riskay has moar not good English than some kid on his Ecksbawks.

Nigga this the fifth teeth muthafuckin time that I called and left yo ass messages
I dun text yo bitch ass and you aint responded to nothing

NIGGA DIS TEH FIFTH TEETH MOTHERFUCKIN TIEM THAT MAY CALLED + LEFT YO ASS MSGS I DUN TEXT YO BITCH ASS + YOUS AINT RESPONDD 2 NOTHIN :( SADFACE!!!1ONE

My flatmate and I have watched this train wreck religiously for days now. Not since that Cher Loyd thing, with the swaggerjaggerswaggerjagger ad infinitum, has a 4 minute piece of video played such a satisfying part in my life. Although, I watched that threesome bit with Denise Richards in Wildthings like 20 times. Fucking win. 

*  This would've been a great opportunity to do that utterly fail "[sic]" thing after a deliberate editorial error but as I'm not a serious business scientist or a PHD scientist, I chose to leave it.

--- ( WT WE HAVE LERNED? ) ---

• If you suspect someone of cheating, smell their dick to confirm or deny the validity of your suspicion. Tests are inconclusive as to whether this works if your partners a woman. 
• Thinking I dick down the whole town even though I got dick to go around. If I ever get accused of cheating I'm using this excuse. It works at least 100% of the time.
• Riskay is a fucking moron. Riskay is a champion of the LOLs.
• That is all.

CRACKED.COM VS. ADADADAD

Cracked.com is a comedy website on the internet, which is on the internet. They have a collection of regular writers who are fantastic. Well, apart from this complete sadsack who goes by the name John Cheese (OMG DO U SEE WHAT HE DID THERE LOL). If Cheese Man was a car he’d be a carboard box with a car drawn on it in crayon by poor parents. Their kid would drive around in it all day going, “beeb beeb”, until the parents abandoned it – probably because of the shame – I don’t know, I don’t have all the facts.

                Normally the site does lists and whatnot but this fucking Cheese Man has had a false epiphany and thinks he is, like, Jesus or something. Instead of walking on water he cries himself to sleep at night and wets the bed. He keeps posting all this whiny self-help crap, which I think is aimed at women with dicks and guys with breasts. Real dweebs.

I created an account there to sort this situation out: adadadad.

Meanwhile, John Cheese has dropped his Doomsday Device by writing a really tl;dr article about marriage and then proposing to his girlfriend at the end. This is sweet. However, I have decided this is not the kind of stuff that belongs on their site. Under the pseudonym adadadad, and wearing the profile picture of Cookie Monster, I have tried to utterly fuck up and derail this touching story. I waded boldly into the comments section and began causing as much mayhem as humanly possible. This stirred up a real shitstorm and many LOL's were had.


adadadad
( This is me. )

( These are other users. Some agree with me. Some are not feeding me. Most are LOLCOWs. )

It's time to start milking those tuts for nutritious LOLs.

( I started blanking the usernames of the civilians who wandered into this thread, but then I stopped because I couldn’t be bothered. All are punished. ALL ARE PUNISHED!!!1 )

( Cracked.com also has a "Thumbs Up" option, similar to "Like" on Facebook. It also has a "Thumbs Down" option. The minus numbers below some of the comments are recorded. There's some big numbers including an amazing -43! ) *

---

 

adadadad

-12

I THINK THIS ARTICLE NEEDS TO BEE REMOVED AND FILES IN A DIFFERNT WEBSITE. I HEAR AOL HAS A NEED FOR FAGGY LOVE ADVICE FOR CHILDREN HAHA STOP PREACHING CHEESE MAN

Reported! Your gonna get banned from crack. /sarcasm

You know, throughout the years I've been strongly opposed to child abuse in all its many insidious and life-destroying forms but, really, after reading his comments throughout this entire thread I find it plainly clear that adadadad wasn't beaten enough as a child.

---

New favorite Columnist, hands down.

adadadad

the word you are looking for is worse columnist. hes zzz

--- ( This penguin man felt the same way. He is wise. Wall of text though :( sadface ) ---

 

Uberpenguin

-9

Yeah, while I try to remain as uncritical as possible most times, I'd just like to remind the author especially that this is, in fact, supposed to be a sort of funny, or funny/informative site. Then again, it's not like this is the first time I read a writing by this author and left either disgruntled or wondering what the point was.

I generally like to think that the things that I have figured out I don't need help with, and the things that I haven't figured out are just things that I haven't yet had the time to think all the way through yet. When it comes time to decide up rambling on about personal stuff, all while everyone is wondering when the monologue shifted from amusing/comical to a dull personal story that lacks what's usually most important about boring personal stories, the fact that they're usually about individuals that certain people actually want to hear about. Don't get me wrong, chances are there's a place out there for this kind of writing, but this really isn't it. Plus, really, talking about oneself doesn't take all that much skill; that's probably why those ppl called "psychologist"s get paid to do it. Now, doing so elegantly at least is worth something, but even that isn't worth much when there's no substance to the topic.whether or not I should get married, chances are I won't be coming to cracked if by some drunken happenstance I decided that someone else should tell me whether or not I'm ready to get married. Shit, maybe the best indicator in certain people's cases is that they can go more than a day without wanting to kill their significant other, who knows?

Then again, I look down at the comments just now and realize that there are actually people who are really, truly applauding this effort and to those individuals I just say...Jesus, did you people come here thinking this site is meant to host autobiographical documents? Cause honestly that's kind of what this seems like. It's a little like a stand up comedian that forgets why they're on stage and end

GlassCannon

Then don't fucking read it. This is not a site that caters to your own personal taste. And the comments section is not a place to whine about it, either

h4nsh0tf1rst

Seems there's an epidemic of gunmen running amok forcing readers of cracked to peruse articles and make disgruntled posts at the end of them. I should know...there's one here now.

CohibaMan

What the fuck man, do you think people come here to listen to you bitch and write essays? What a waste of fucking words.

adadadad

yeah, good point well maid. this cheese man is a real snoozefest. he should keep his words to the lonely hearts section, hes a dick

TheNerdBird

You ignorant fuck, this was his long way of showing to his girlfriend how much he cares about her, and proposing marriage. But clearly you didn't read all the way through to the end, or else you would have noticed the little "Emily Clark, will you marry me" at the bottom of the article. It was a romantic gesture, and my guess is he would have posted it whether it was funny or not.

Oh, and on a side note, psychologists (which is a legitimate profession, by the way) don't talk about themselves. In fact, if any one of my psychologists or psychiatrists had talked about themselves during sessions, I would be demanding my money back, because that's not what they're there to do.

Chatner2k

You're an idiot.

JJ_429

Clearly, Mr. penguin, not everybody has matched your prestigious social rank of Pretentious Ball-Buster quite yet. As many of us lack the official license to condescend to humble writers and voluntary readers, to which you are obviously entitled, I'd like to (politely) ask you to please remove the upside-down barstool you call a throne from your worthy anus and replace it with your unwanted opinions. That is all.

Magenta

Ooh, he didn't like it. And here I was waiting breathlessly to see what Uberpenguin thought of something...oh no, wait, I was totally not giving a shit. 

Christ, man, shut the hell up. No one made you read it.

adadadad

Mr. penguin is inntitled to the opinion. in this he is 100% correct. cheese man thinks cracked.com is his personal diary. he needs to work at msn and give relationsp advise to old ladies and pets haha, dick

--- ( Remorseful troll is remorseful. ) ---

:'( sadface featuring tear

adadadad

-43

you'll be devoced withing a year. why? because you write complete fuck off.

This is an English speaking site.

Hey buddy, why don't you do the world a great big favor and blow your fucking brains out. Even baby Jesus hates you.

Okay, okay, that was in poor taste on my part and I apologize. Suicide isn't something to joke about.

---

John Cheese is my new favorite Cracked writer. He's written so many positive articles that still keep true to the spirit of Cracked's unique brand of humor.

adadadad

-9

wake up grandma hes fucking boring if i wanted to read a bunch of crap from a little girl id read my sisters diary haha hes a dick

The only thing I can imagine an asshole like you doing is stealing your sister's diary and masturbating over it.

---

You makeh me cry Mr. Cheese. TT___TT Emily's a lucky woman to have someone who can be so open about what a fuckup he's been and what an improvement he's willing to make. =] You guys have a wonderful life, and if you stop writing because of some bullshit honeymoon or something, I'll punch you.

adadadad

-13

get a room. maybe you should get a room with cheese if you love him so much.

Hey adadadad, has anyone ever told you that you smell like a motherfucker?

Because you do. Just sayin'.

--- ( "Hey, fuck you." / "No, fuck you!" Roughly 100% of arguments on the internet end this way. ) ---

adadadad

-30

she married you after all this whining? she must be desperate. YOU ARE BORING AND ARROGANT!

Hey! Fuck you.

adadadad
-14

No, fuck you! THIS IS SHIT

And you are probably seventeen and clueless. Good luck with the whole making-it-through-life-without-becoming-a-bitter-alcoholic thing.

adadadad

the joke's on you. im cool enough as it is, dont worry about me. worry about cheese. i have my eye on his dome BOOM!

Boring? Well, you're entitled to your tastes, add. Arrogant? I don't see it. Columnists are going to write from a stance of authority, because lots of "umm, maybe's" are not what people want to read.

obvious troll is obvious.

adadadad

i dont w3ant to read the prepubesant views of a gaylord. oi cheese, go work at msn and give dating advise to people who wear Croc shoes haha youre a duck i mean dick

Jesus Christ you're worse than that shit I spray on your mom twice a week to make sure she doesn't get fleas or ticks.

adadadad

please dont talk about my mom choiba man, she is dead. you are insencitive and a loser

God, can't you fucking read? It's "CohibaMan." It was like right there when you decided comment at me.

I never thought I'd see the day where the functionally retarded would be allowed to wander the Internet. I feel like I'm at your family reunion.

Sorry about your mom, adadadad... I know you'll tell me "don't worry, it's okay", but I know what I did.

adadadad

butterfly man i dont understand

---

Great article, sir. I love the ending, and the advice is sound.

I've never been married but I came close a couple of times - both of which I had the wisdom to realize before it was too late; I was doing it for the wrong reasons.

I've seen a lot of friends of mine fall into that trap, maybe for fear of being alone, I don't proclaim to know... It's not my place to judge, but I am familiar with the wretched sting of love lost and endeavor not to rush into anything or make my decisions based out of anything but righteous personal honesty.

Congratulations, Cheese. Through faith and wisdom, we're none of us beyond redemption.

adadadad

sockpuppet of cheese man. all the right people know hes an idiot

adadadad: "All the right people" appears to be... just you. That's it, just you policing this article and showing off what a motherfucking douchebag you are. Fuck off.

---

At first I thought it was a typical Cracked article, with the lists and intelligent arguments. There was no way in hell I ever expected it to turn into a wedding proposal. 

This should be featured on Yahoo News.

adadadad

THIS SHOULD BE DELETED OF THE INTERNET, IT WASTES VALUBE SPACE WHICH COULD BE USED FOR SOMETHING FUNNY OR PORN. HES A DICK

---

GREAT ending!

adadadad

CRAP REST OF IT HAHA CHEESE MAN IS A DUCK

butterfly9891

HAHA OBVIOUS TROLL ESCAPED FROM /b/ LOL

---

adadadad

-28

STOP PREACHING YOU DICK. YOU ARE NOT JESUS, SHIT YOURE NOT EVEN A WISE MAN.

aleatharhea

People with no wisdom often fail to recognize it in others.

"Wisdom doesn't automatically come with old age. Nothing does - except wrinkles. It's true, some wines improve with age. But only if the grapes were good in the first place." (Abigail Van Buren)

You, sir, are sour grapes.

adadadad

-15

YOU ARE AN IDEOT. WHY DONT YOU GO AND CRY ABOUT IT? EVERYTHING "CHEESE" WRITES IS SHIT!

aleatharhea

Yeah, it's spelled "idiot". That literally made me laugh out loud.

r.shangle

On a scale of one to twat, you are a dickhead.

captainfucknut

don't feed the troll.

adadadad

-5

oh get the knickers out of a twist, you idiots. all this cheese man does is preach a bunch of self help, gcse english essay crap he learned from womans mags. wake up!

redjimmy

Look, the art of trolling is consistency. You can't have a "youre" and misspell idiot. Granted you left out the apostrosphe, but there's no way a retarded capslock character would ever use anything but "your" or "ur". Just a heads up for next time. But have some decency. Troll on an article that IS actually shit or preachy. Just because we have no life, doesn't mean we can't have ethics about out craft...

bra

How do you even get up in the morning when you're this retarded.

JamesRinjii

do you need a hug??

adadadad

my troth is this, this article is a bunch of wingey fail from a real sillybilly. seanbaby and most others on cracked are ok with me, but this is the second stike for john cheese (john crap). 1 more strike and youre out!

Solshaker

Obviously obvious troll is obviously obvious. Considering his name is keyboard hammering, he clearly made his account just for this.

adadadad

omg as soon as a mna talks about something you queens dont like "hes a troll hes a troll" imagine for one second that these conserns are genuine. grow up!

CohibaMan

Admittedly, I started reading your comments in a cookie monster voice so now the crap you say is kinda funny.

DreaM

@ Cohibaman...that's the funniest comment I've read in a while.

adadadad

my words are carefuly chosen. i speak only the troth. this cheese man, it is time for him for go and write for a different site. i think the care bear site has a opening haha dick

Breldan

Maybe adadadad is Cheese's ex-wife? That would explain a lot.

Magenta

I'm not sure I'm going to believe the "troth" from someone who can't spell three words out of five correctly. 

Although CohibaMan has a point...it's awesome in a muppet voice.

---

adadadad

IVE GOT VIDEO FOTAGE OF CHEESE MAN TOUCHING HIMSELF. I HAD TO USE THE MACRO LENS FOR HIS "MINI BABY BELL" AND BLEACH ON MY EYES AFTER. I SAID MINI BABY BELL BECAUSE THATS CHEESE TOO HAHA, SERIOUSLY THO HES A DICK SHHH

Ms_Anthropy

Get off the computer, you flaming twunt. Your mom needs to use it, she's gotta look up whether that thing growing out of her dick is fatal or just highly contagious. Either way, looks like you're not getting any tonight.

adadadad

MS_ANT YOU MAKE NO SENCE. PLEASE DONT TALK ABOUT MY MUM, I DONT KNOW WHO SHE IS. IL BUST YOURE HEAD OPEN LOL CHEESE MAN

CohibaMan

 Wait a minute. Earlier you said she was dead.

I don't mind that you are a troll but I'll never forgive you for being a motherfucking liar

---

* This was when I suggested they would soon be divorced. I'm sure they won't. Sorry <3.

ORIGINAL THREAD:

 5 Ways You Know It's Time to Get Married | Cracked.com http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-ways-you-know-its-time-to-get-married/#ixzz1YzNbZJLS

--- ( CASE CLOSED )---

WIN / FAIL 50 / 50

I got some really nutritious LOL's from this. 
I got some potentially fatal Trolls Remorse from suggesting they would get divorced.  

I do however feel in my womb that my War on AntiLOL's was justified. This isn't the first crime against humanity that this John Cheese sonofabitch is guilty of. I remember he posted a real tl;dr piece of verbal diarrhoea when he quit smoking and thought he was like a fucking X Man who's special power was not smoking. It's not that hard, man - just don't smoke. I can't remember the others but there are at least more examples, probably more. He's a dick.

  

SCORE: 4 / 5 HIGH 5'S

--- ( WT WE HAVE LERNED? ) ---

• Comment sections are like the wild west, but with less dysentery and moar LOL's. 
• Trolling ain't easy.
• That is all.