OH, 2016. WHAT ARE YOU?

Highly trained scientists and unemployed post-grads have concluded that years from now, when we're all old and grey, we'll look back at 2016 as the moment things went wrong. 
Come. Let us reflect:

• Death of popular celebs.
• Irreversible climate change.
• Polar bear decimation / soggy penguin.
• Bee decimation / Colony Collapse Syndrome.
• Whatevs launch of Ecksbawks One and PS4.
• Private space shuttle-bro's space shuttle explodes.
• 'Visionary director' Zack Snyder's Batman Vs Superman.
• 'Mental' North Korean nuclear test Vs UN sanctions.
• The £ dropping off into the Mariana's Trench. 

Really, the only good thing that came out of this year is that Leo got his Oscar (and my cat got the all clear from the vet). So where do we go from here, y'all?

As you're no doubt aware the average iamawaitingyourereading reader (nearly 400k obvs) is savvy enough to just 'switch off from the negative vibrations', spend more time on the internet, and buy more things. That's okay for US but what about THEM? We're all in this together; be that Ryan Shrew from Southampton with +15% body fat or Chun Li from China (?) with the Spinning Bird Kick. We have a responsibility as self-aware content consumers living in the modern urban environment to assist our peers and let them know, "Everything will sort itself out :-] happyface."

To this end I've put together a 5 step plan to remedy the situation. Tell a friend. Then that friend will tell a friend. Then that friend will tell a friend. Then, like ripples in a pond, positive vibes and chillwaves will restore our collective species' situation:

1) Ignore All Issues - Obvs the best way to resolve a problem is to ignore it until it sorts itself out.

2) Derail Think Pieces - Intellectual circle jerks have got us, as a species, nowhere. Best thing to do in these situations is spam all threads with cat .gifs.

3) Get A Cat - From what I understand, cats don't care for many things straight off the bat. If you can convince the cat that it cares for you (or can convince yourself that the cat is convinced) then everything is okay.

4) MP3s - Cultivate a strong MP3 library that represents your personal brand; be that reggae music for minimum wage coffee shop-bros, strong female role model broad MP3, or bleepbloop MP3 from Soundcloud - you just do you.

5) The Universe Is HUGE - The universe is huge. It's all a storm in a tea cup.

Q&A

Are you worried about the future?

Are you 'pretty whatevs' about the future?

Do you remember when David Bowie died and everyone was like, "HOW CN KAYNE WEST STILL B ALIV?!!!" Not really a question, but there was a lot of salt that week.

Would you kill a polar bear to save a polar bear?

Should all political situations, regardless of democracy, just be voted on by peeps who actually understand the situaition?

Clinton or Trump? (Oh Gawd we haven't even got to that yet.)

Are 'next generation' consoles just crap PCs?

Are Apple PCs just expensive PCs (but with better branding / customer support)?

Should DC just sell the rights to Batman to Marvel?

These are great days we're living in. Fast internet. Nice skin care products. Loads of competitive prices on the highstreet. Enjoy it, y'all. Savior it, you all.

We might be fighting over a can of tuna come next year.

xoxox

(kiss hug kiss hug, and then a final kiss.)

TOM CRUISE DOES HIS OWN STUNTS.

It's well known that Tom Cruise leads a solitary life. 
His evenings are filled with push ups, strange illuminati rituals, and probs keeping a diary / journal. In many ways he's the sun chasing the moon; he want's Joe public to like him but also has a deep disdain for The Common Man (9-5 hours / -£20'000 salary / +10% body fat).
I am familiar with the following Tom Cruise films:

• Cocktail - A cool man.
• Top Gun - Homosexual undertones / promoting America.
• Interview With The Vampire Man - Not Brad Pitt vampire.
• Minority Report / Oblivion / Live. Die. Repeat - Miscellaneous Sci Fi.
• I Am A Samurai - A cool man. Sex with Asians.
• Valkyrie - Hitler?
• Mission Impossible - Tom Cruise. 

In many of the above ^^^ major motion pictures there are the following themes:

• Seducing misc broads.
• Inconsequential murder of misc extras.
• Dedication to The Way (Sci Fi biz / mysterious biz).
• Being cool [via expositional dialogue / not conforming with The Man).

Feeling really worried about Tom Cruise. For example, I feel he'd be adverse to me calling him 'Big T', or 'T', but he'd be totes onboard with my calling him 'Papa T'. I'd like to hang out with him in the VIP lounge letting him pay for everything.

Anyways, I recently came across some behind the scenes footage / propaganda of him doing some redonk stunts for the new Mission Impossible film. From what I understand he's hanging off a plane - similar to him hanging from the Muslim building circa 2010. Worried. As self aware content consumers living in The 1st World, can we in all honesty trust this promotional material? We're all familiar enough with green screen shenanigans that we can spot an attack ship on fire off the shoulder of Orion as easily as we can spot the ted in Ted. Is he just paying some bro to do this biz for him? In our post-Prometheus world can we really trust any promo material anymore? 

As we previously discussed, Tom Cruise cares little for Average Joe - so why should he court our opinion hmmm?

We, as tech savvy content consumers living in the 1st World, must be sceptical of all art forms - be that a Flash Mob celebrating transgender situations or a cup cake sale promoting the Gaza Strip meme.

Q&A

Does Papa T do his own films or does he just pay some bro to do 'the heavy lifting' [via Kate Moss body double]?

Are flair barmen fucking bullshit [via serve the drink already]?

What's your fav <3 Papa T film?

Is Will Smith an albino Tom Cruise?

I quite liked the Day After Tomorrow / Live. Die. Repeat. (Not really a question.)

Remain self aware, y'all.

xx

(2 kisses.)

IS NETFLIX A LOAD OF OLD CODSWALLOP?

As you're no doubt aware it's 1 of our basic human rights to illegally download content from the internet. It truly is a victimless crime.
Come. Let us rejoice:

1) Reduces Global Warming - No physical media, booklet, or packaging to clutter up your living space in the modern urban environment.
2) Encourages / Cyberbullies the Artist - To survive in the current intergalactic economic downturn and monitise their situation they must offer us only their best MP3s. We can sample them à la Carte. We will stomach no BS or filler.
3) Revenge - We've all been wronged by The Money behind the artists. Pre-ordering, limited editions, and reissues have made us all very >:-( angryface. NOW is our time to strike back for great justice.
4) Ease of Access - Satellites > Internet > Electricity > Computer.
5) The Price is Right - £0

Accepting all of this as truth, we must take content 'as a given' and offer content creators money only on OUR terms. (Merchandise / limited edition thingy / emotional photography book / T Shirt / live experience.)

Have y'all heard of The Netflix? From what I understand, Netflix plugs into your laptop and offers you films and TV shows. 
Thought I'd give it a try in order to 'give something back'.

Pros:
Free Trial.
Easy to cancel. No 'fucking bullshit' cancellation scam.
Nice, clean interface. 

Cons:
HD streaming does not work. Not at all.
Limited selection of TV shows.
Sort of like to have a copy of the content. From what I understand Netflix only streams content and offers no files for downloading. Feel like this is unacceptable.


Q&A
Do you believe in The Netflix?
Is paying for content for lameOs and squares?
When was the last time you paid for content?
Who are these people who still pay for MP3s?
Should iTunes be bundled with Internet Explorer to offer 'the complete internet experience' to primitive internet users?

Today was brought to you by Netflix.

xxxo
(3 kisses & 1 hug.)

SUPER ADVANCED COMICS - FINDING NEMO

(In this image the artist explores the major motion picture - Finding Nemo. The words, "I am looking for my son," and, "Why?" are exchanged. Let's see wtf the story is here hmmm?)

-----

Have y'all seen the major motion picture - Finding Nemo?

From what I understand, it would be 'disastrous' to lose your child / pet fish.

Q&A
Did y'all think that Nemo was 'a spoiled brat' and that, realistically, you would be better off without him / his situation?
What on Earth was up with his fruityloop fin?
Did you know that IRL if the mother Clownfish was murdered then the father Clownfish would change gender, as Clownfish are sequential hermaphrodites / homo?
(I used to work at an aquarium so ^^^ info is legit.)
Was Shark Tale a poorman's Finding Nemo?
Should DreamWorks just come to terms with the fact that they will never overtake Pixar and just try to corner the lucrative 'straight to DVD' market?

SUPER ADVANCED COMICS - DINOBOT

Hey, y'all.
Just wondering if anyone remembers the major television series from the 80's / 90's - The Transformers?

Recently Hollywood made a desperate cashgrab by rebooting the franchise on the big screen. Unfortunately, Hollywood is 'haemorrhaging money' due to the wonderful world of online piracy. (Not that we'd know anything about that, right y'all?)
In order to secure more $$$, Hollywood is making another Transformers film and adding the Autobot Dinobot Transformers into the situation. 

When I was a child I really enjoyed the Dinobot robots, as they ticked all the relevant boxes for a tween boy who was 'too old' for stupid preschool toys and 'too young' for internet pornography.

Robot [ x ]
Dinosaur [ x ]

It was a simpler time - and back then ^^^ that was enough for me - but now I am more self-aware and spend sooo much time on the internet, I have learned to question everything :-) happyface.

Seems like there's some major design flaws with the Dinobots:

• Lazergun technology + borderline retardation + prodigious strength + ability to breath fire = a highly unpredicatable killing machine.
• Transformers are robots which are 'in disguise' to avoid persecution and 'murder'.
• The effectiveness of a 30' tall gold and chrome extinct reptile as a 'disguise'.

Feel so #embarrassed of the 'old me' for not questioning this situation more thoroughly :-( sadface. 

Decided to draw a comic to make amends.

Gtg. 

I am feeling :-( sadface.

1STWP: IS IRONMAN A 'FUCKING ASSHOLE'?

(1st World Problems is a regular feature on iam___ where we explore the many dangers which threaten us as self-aware members of the 1st World. Let's see what today's situation is.)

-----

Hey, y'all.
Just watching the previous 2 Ironman films atm in preparation for when a decent torrent of Ironman 3 becomes available so that I can DL it and watch it illegally. 

From what I understand, Ironman is The Cool One from the Avengers team of advanced superhero friends. He is worth literally tens of thousands of US Dollars and lives a decadent, playboy lifestyle: 

• Keeping it casual in some of the worlds most amazing cars.
• Surrounding himself with glamorous women / 'Grade A pieces of ass'.
• Buying expensive presents / making passive-aggressive demands for sex. 
• Private aeroplane.
• Hobnobbing with celebs and smoking cigars.

Unfortunately, I am unfamiliar with the majority of ^^^ those activities and am sadly priced-out of enjoying them, so I have no choice but to utterly condemn Ironman (due to jealousy).  

Feeling really apathetic about my quality of life.
Feeling like I live in the 3rd World in conditions similar to those of an animal when compared to T. Stark / Robert Downey Jr.

Is it too late to go to university to study Business Studies?

Lets take our mind of things with a brief Q&A hmmm?

If you could be any superhero for a day / the rest of your life who would y'all chose? 

Check your answer against what it says about you below: 

Captain America: You are a goody2shoes and probs middle management at a call centre / miscellaneous retail outlet. 

Batman: You are mysterious but also approachable and trustworthy. You 'get shit done' and don't give an eff about authority or The Man.

Hulk: You have low body confidence :-( sadface.  

Green Lantern Man: You are constantly 'on the go' striving to be the best that you can be. (Dozens of abdominal exercises and L'Oreal moisuriser.)

Ironman: 'Fucking asshole'.

Spiderman: You are playful, self-confident, and self-aware. Although you enjoy internet pornography, it is mostly harmless / light bondage.

Thor: You have seen the major motion picture - The Matrix around 4 times. You spend sooo much time OTI arguing about 'complete fucking bullshit'.

The Superman: Ugh. You probably do not know a lot about comics. You prefer Smallville 2000 to The Amazing Lois and Clark Adventures 1990.

Wonderwoman: You are The Cool Broad at work. You are 'down' with going to stripclubs and posting vague status' / melancholy selfies. 

Wolverine: You are a clevercloggs kind of shrew, explaining how technically mutants are not superheroes and then looking smug. You will have back hair.

Bonus Q&A

Does anyone know wtf happened to Teri Hatcher's bewbs after the mid 1990's? 

I am aghast.

MAJOR MOTION PICTURE - THE LAST STAND

"I thought that it was Christmas Day.

But there were no presents under the tree.

(Nor even a tree.)

Just a fresh, virginal torrent of The Last Stand." - Haiku by The Internet

From what I understand, Arnold Schwarzenegger once said, "I'll be back, niggas." ('Say what you want about him inappropriately heavy-petting / full-on sexually molesting those broads from his politics thing, but I don't really understand or care about any of that.) 

Really like his films :-) happyface.  

Sort of expected his comeback film to be either:

a) Textbook Arnie - Lots of situations blowing up, maybe some bewbs. Probs a reboot / sequel / prequel / miscellaneous cashgrab of existing franchise. 

b) Good - Probs a bit zzz. Probs not a lot of A. Shizzy actual screen time. Maybe a touching 'redemption' type major motion picture.

c) Sort of okay - Maybe like some old nig coming out of retirement for 1 last situation. Bit like The Grand Torino for Papa Clint Eastwood.

d) "It's all bullshit, all of it." - Emotional busy bollocks story about feelings / politics / miscellaneous plot which would demand as little running as poss.

e) 'Fucking bullshit.' - Something like Commander Jack Reacher for T. Cruise. (Still haven't even finished watching it. Ugh.)

I believe The Last Stand was somewhere between c) and b). 

Sort of okay / good. 

Obvs, it doesn't make sense and Papa A's just sort of on 'autopilot' - but history and 'life' have taught us that things could've been a lot worse: 

• Jackie Browns for Bobby De Niro
• Basic Instinct II 2 for Sharon Stone
• I Am Alone in the Dark for Christian Slater Nig
• Transformers Situation for Optimus Prime
• Jaws: The Revenge for 'Shark'

Anyways, if you enjoy Papa Arnold S. you should totes watch this. Just have it playing in the background or something. 

(Not sure what / why Jonny Knoxville is in the major motion picture.)

Q&A

Does anyone understand how The Rotten Tomato website works? (Seems like their scoring system is 'fucking bullshit' :-( sadface.)

Should they reboot Conan and have Papa Arnold as an old Conan?

Should I 'sell' this idea to Hollywood?

Realistically, how much do you think I / we could get?

Really excited about this new project, niggas!

^___^ optimistic-Kawaii-Asian-face

xx (2 kisses.)

MAJOR MOTION PICTURE - JACK REACHER

I'm just watching the major motion picture, Jack Reacher starring Tom Cruise atm. 
Sort of feel that this movie is 'textbook' Cruise.
Sort of feel that this movie is more than just that though. 
I believe that it is a cry for help.

Obvs, I do not know Papa Cruise - but if I had to guess I would say that this film is 100% how he sees himself IRL.

#worried.

I'm worried that T. Cruise is living in a 'fucking dreamworld' where he is some kind of living weapon / brainy clever clogs nigga / womaniser / kung fu monster / bad dude mofo / outlaw G. 
(^^^ Many of these aspirations are similar to a 12 year old boys understanding of the world.)

Sort of feel like T. Cruise is some kind of sad, Peter Pan type character.
He's the 'boy that never grew up'.

Whereas most 12 year old boys 'grow up' and realise that they probs won't manage to secure a job as an assassin or international space marine, eventually settling down with a plain wife and a steady job in a 'fucking bullshit' industry like retail or customer service, T. Cruise probs has enough £££ to do whatever the eff he wants.
I believe that his career lets him vicariously live a life of fantasy, adventure, and casual 'murder' on the big screen; allowing him to leave behind his worries - like being a single parent, cyberbulling from the media, and push-ups.
I believe that this is down to him 'having mad bank' and also him having no one around to say, "Tom. Just chill out, nigga. You're losing it."
Sort of respect his dedication to chasing his dream to such great heights.
Sort of worry about his overall mental health and 'grip on reality'.

Shame on you, Tom.

At 1 point, he wins a 1 v 5 fight. 
At 1 point, he gets his dome smashed up by a baseball bat but seems pretty relaxed about the whole situation.
At 1 point, he moves faster than some bad guy can pull the trigger (gun).
In addition - he is an expert at solving crime / every woman in the film gives him her 'sexy face' / he is compassionate / he is a 'murderer' / he has no possessions / has numerous mad skills / is a nomad / is wealthy / is _____.
Seems legit.

Do you think hanging out with Papa Cruise for the day would be:

a) Excellent. Chilling with A List celebs and getting lots of respect. Probs get to 'cum' with hawt starlets looking for a break and you'd all hang out in Miami?
b) Good. Lots of perks but you'd probs have to watch your mouth and agree with everything T. says, even if it's 'insane' or 'boring zzz'?
c) Okay. Bit confusing. Bit demoralising, as no one would talk to you and everyone would talk to Tom Cruise :-( sadface? (Probs play Nintendo Wii at some point.)
d) Bad. T. Cruise would bully you and constantly undermine your situation in front of co-workers and mutual friends? (Might throw things at you :'-( sadface with tear.)
e) Effing Awful. Something to do with Scientology / babysitting his kid while he goes out without you / 'murder' / Knight and Day film?

Anyways, I hope that everyone enjoys this movie. (It's a bit like the major motion picture This Mission's Impossible but also a bit like the board game Cluedo.) <<< If you like either of those things then you'll totes <3 this film :-) happyface.

x kiss parentheses x