A ROYAL ENGAGEMENT. REJOICE!

As you're no doubt aware, at iam___ we are so excited about any situation involving the Royal Family. They are amazing and we are filth. They are so amazing and we are so filthy that sometimes I can't even look at myself in the mirror and just want to die. 
I penned this delicate and vulnerable Haiku. 
Come. Let us reflect:

"Royal.
What does it mean to me?
I wish I had lived in a Royal Womb,
for 9 clean months." - Haiku © 2017. Please Like and Share.

Rejoice! The time has come! Stop smearing your own shit on the wall and pay attention listen up, dumbdumbs! We are dirty, dirty pigs eating slop! 

Yes, that's right, William has decided to marry. The most eligible bachelor in all of Narnia has decided to choose his queen. She is not Caucasian but that's okay in our post-Scarlett Johansson is Master Chief in Ghost in the Shell world. Not sure why everyone's bringing race into this as we are all basically equal (apart from Poland obviously). 
Shame. Shame.

Really feel that this could be the turning point in our collective situation as a species and steer us clear of the Intergalactic Economic Downturn.

Really feel that _____.

Really feel that Harry might settle down and stop playing sillybuggers, and maybe get a job, and stop playing sillybuggers. 

Old Media reported that he (Harry) was 'in the military' but my sources at Buckingham Place stated that's a load of old codswallop. I completed Halo 3 on Legendary Mode so I've seen some serious shit so I know what's up; he was probs a hundred miles away from combat dicking around on Skype, the effing dingdong. 
(That text ^^^^ is fact but the following text is unsubstantiated >>>> I also think that he pressured low-ranking female soldiers into sexual shenanigans. Nothing rapey but defo a lot of pressure. I am aghast. Really bad form, man.)


Q&A
a) Are you interested in this engagement?
b) Are you disinterested in this engagement?
c) (I'm not sure who his fiancé is so I'm going to call her Rebecca) but Rebecca seems a lot prettier than he is so do you think that they'd be engaged if he was like middle management at PC World? (This question is rhetorical.)
d) Does this engagement make you raise your scruffy serf head from the minimum wage cotton fields and say, "Yes! Yes, this is amazing! Rejoice!" or are you pretty whatevs about the situation. (This question is rhetorical.)
e) (_____ self-aware commentary on the Class System.)

At the start of this post I was feeling like 'I don't give a rats ass' about the Royal engagement but now I'm thoroughly behind it. I'm going to put £1 a week to 1 side so that I can contribute because that's all I can do. 
Might buy them some nice flowers for the Reception. 
Might buy them some pigs in blankets for the buffet.

If you don't do your bit or show your support then you are a dog. You are a stinky rat. 
As soon as my fingers have keyed in the last character of this beautiful truth I'm going to head to my bank, withdraw everything, and gift half to the Royal Wedding it is so important and I am filth. 

<3 William
<3 Rebecca

I think THINK she's in some straight to DVD / streaming series so maybe we'll see Prince Harry do some inorganic cameo biz. Those chandeliers aren't going to pay for themselves, y'all. 

In this post I've been exploring my relationship with the Royal Fam.

xx
(2 kisses.)

OH, 2016. WHAT ARE YOU?

Highly trained scientists and unemployed post-grads have concluded that years from now, when we're all old and grey, we'll look back at 2016 as the moment things went wrong. 
Come. Let us reflect:

• Death of popular celebs.
• Irreversible climate change.
• Polar bear decimation / soggy penguin.
• Bee decimation / Colony Collapse Syndrome.
• Whatevs launch of Ecksbawks One and PS4.
• Private space shuttle-bro's space shuttle explodes.
• 'Visionary director' Zack Snyder's Batman Vs Superman.
• 'Mental' North Korean nuclear test Vs UN sanctions.
• The £ dropping off into the Mariana's Trench. 

Really, the only good thing that came out of this year is that Leo got his Oscar (and my cat got the all clear from the vet). So where do we go from here, y'all?

As you're no doubt aware the average iamawaitingyourereading reader (nearly 400k obvs) is savvy enough to just 'switch off from the negative vibrations', spend more time on the internet, and buy more things. That's okay for US but what about THEM? We're all in this together; be that Ryan Shrew from Southampton with +15% body fat or Chun Li from China (?) with the Spinning Bird Kick. We have a responsibility as self-aware content consumers living in the modern urban environment to assist our peers and let them know, "Everything will sort itself out :-] happyface."

To this end I've put together a 5 step plan to remedy the situation. Tell a friend. Then that friend will tell a friend. Then that friend will tell a friend. Then, like ripples in a pond, positive vibes and chillwaves will restore our collective species' situation:

1) Ignore All Issues - Obvs the best way to resolve a problem is to ignore it until it sorts itself out.

2) Derail Think Pieces - Intellectual circle jerks have got us, as a species, nowhere. Best thing to do in these situations is spam all threads with cat .gifs.

3) Get A Cat - From what I understand, cats don't care for many things straight off the bat. If you can convince the cat that it cares for you (or can convince yourself that the cat is convinced) then everything is okay.

4) MP3s - Cultivate a strong MP3 library that represents your personal brand; be that reggae music for minimum wage coffee shop-bros, strong female role model broad MP3, or bleepbloop MP3 from Soundcloud - you just do you.

5) The Universe Is HUGE - The universe is huge. It's all a storm in a tea cup.

Q&A

Are you worried about the future?

Are you 'pretty whatevs' about the future?

Do you remember when David Bowie died and everyone was like, "HOW CN KAYNE WEST STILL B ALIV?!!!" Not really a question, but there was a lot of salt that week.

Would you kill a polar bear to save a polar bear?

Should all political situations, regardless of democracy, just be voted on by peeps who actually understand the situaition?

Clinton or Trump? (Oh Gawd we haven't even got to that yet.)

Are 'next generation' consoles just crap PCs?

Are Apple PCs just expensive PCs (but with better branding / customer support)?

Should DC just sell the rights to Batman to Marvel?

These are great days we're living in. Fast internet. Nice skin care products. Loads of competitive prices on the highstreet. Enjoy it, y'all. Savior it, you all.

We might be fighting over a can of tuna come next year.

xoxox

(kiss hug kiss hug, and then a final kiss.)

THE SORT OF STEVIE NICKS HAT PERSONAL BRAND

From what I understand the Sort of Stevie Nicks Hat personal branding solution is going to be huge this summer, with ASOS selling them by the pallet-load and even miscellaneous crappy high street chains like River Island trying to monetise the situation. So what does this mean for us as self-aware members of the 1st World? Let's reflect:

There's something utterly timeless about Fleetwood Macs and specifically Stevie Nicks. Their MP3s teach us that it's okay to effing be yourself; be that refusing to comb your hair, being chill with extramarital affairs, or simply living in a swamp [via American Horror Story: Coven]. This foundation creates a really sustainable platform to sell products to broads aged 25 - 35 or to bros who can play the guitar okay. The wonderful thing about the Sort of Stevie Nicks Hat personal branding solution is that you can double down on looking mysterious. So many people are going to think that you keep a diary and maybe had a poem published back in the day; or at the very least you've thought about lava lamps at some point or another. 

The thing is that we're all put here for a reason and there's no reason why you can't look redonk sweetums while doing so. 
Sometimes you just need to wander through the modern urban environment sorting through the complex emotions in your head. 
Sometimes you just want to binge watch Netflix. 


Q&A
Will you be co-branding your situation with this situation?
Is felt made from an animal? Mole?
In a drum off between Mick Fleetwood and the bro from My Red Hot Chilli Pepper who would be the most whatevs?
Is the Flatcap Hat personal branding solution sooo 2014?
The great thing about hats is that you can only wear 1 at a time. You can wear like 3 jackets and 10+ bracelets at once, but you really have to commit to a hat. (Not really a question.)

In this post I've been exploring my relationship with fashion as a self-aware member of the 1st World.

xxx
(3 kisses.)

A NEW ROYAL BABY. REJOICE!

All my life I have been waiting for a Royal BB. The pregnancy allows us to become close to the the Royal Family - we're right there with them - welcomed into the inner circle [via promotional buzz]. We're transported from our flaccid existence in minimum wage cotton fields and are invited to live the life of Riley - hobnobbing with Her Majesty the Queen, eating a quails egg with a magic spoon, and demanding sex from post grads. Blessings. Blessings. 

"Rejoice!
For we are dirt,
and a royal bb is growing.
Rejoice!" - Haiku © 2015

I've collected hundreds of newspaper clippings and even though it's early days I already know that this baby is special. I'm feeling pretty sweetums about the situation :-]

This baby has a gravitational pull like a black hole but white; everything is drawn towards it. It's the biggest Old Media event since the last one and the buzz is deafening. 
We must support the Royal Family via whatever means necessary. 
We must show interest, be that doubling our taxes to raise funds for a sweet treehouse or killing ourselves to make the air cleaner. 
We must do our bit. 

Q&A
Even though I've never met him I'm totes ready to die for the new king. You?
Is this rigmarole some construct of the Old Media to shift newspapers? 
I think it'd be really great if we put our heads together and brainstorm a relevant name for the baby. Here's my suggestions to get the ball rolling:
a) King / Queeny
b) The One
c) Diana 2
d) Donkey Kong Jr
e) Platinum
f) Edward / Charles / Victoria / miscellaneous traditional name.
g) Edword / Kharles / Vicky-May / miscellaneous traditional name, but modernised. 
Let me know your cleanest and most relevant suggestions and I'll email my contact at Buckingham Palace.

Really hoping someone rigs up a webcam so I can be inside the room when he's crowning B-]
<3

TOM CRUISE DOES HIS OWN STUNTS.

It's well known that Tom Cruise leads a solitary life. 
His evenings are filled with push ups, strange illuminati rituals, and probs keeping a diary / journal. In many ways he's the sun chasing the moon; he want's Joe public to like him but also has a deep disdain for The Common Man (9-5 hours / -£20'000 salary / +10% body fat).
I am familiar with the following Tom Cruise films:

• Cocktail - A cool man.
• Top Gun - Homosexual undertones / promoting America.
• Interview With The Vampire Man - Not Brad Pitt vampire.
• Minority Report / Oblivion / Live. Die. Repeat - Miscellaneous Sci Fi.
• I Am A Samurai - A cool man. Sex with Asians.
• Valkyrie - Hitler?
• Mission Impossible - Tom Cruise. 

In many of the above ^^^ major motion pictures there are the following themes:

• Seducing misc broads.
• Inconsequential murder of misc extras.
• Dedication to The Way (Sci Fi biz / mysterious biz).
• Being cool [via expositional dialogue / not conforming with The Man).

Feeling really worried about Tom Cruise. For example, I feel he'd be adverse to me calling him 'Big T', or 'T', but he'd be totes onboard with my calling him 'Papa T'. I'd like to hang out with him in the VIP lounge letting him pay for everything.

Anyways, I recently came across some behind the scenes footage / propaganda of him doing some redonk stunts for the new Mission Impossible film. From what I understand he's hanging off a plane - similar to him hanging from the Muslim building circa 2010. Worried. As self aware content consumers living in The 1st World, can we in all honesty trust this promotional material? We're all familiar enough with green screen shenanigans that we can spot an attack ship on fire off the shoulder of Orion as easily as we can spot the ted in Ted. Is he just paying some bro to do this biz for him? In our post-Prometheus world can we really trust any promo material anymore? 

As we previously discussed, Tom Cruise cares little for Average Joe - so why should he court our opinion hmmm?

We, as tech savvy content consumers living in the 1st World, must be sceptical of all art forms - be that a Flash Mob celebrating transgender situations or a cup cake sale promoting the Gaza Strip meme.

Q&A

Does Papa T do his own films or does he just pay some bro to do 'the heavy lifting' [via Kate Moss body double]?

Are flair barmen fucking bullshit [via serve the drink already]?

What's your fav <3 Papa T film?

Is Will Smith an albino Tom Cruise?

I quite liked the Day After Tomorrow / Live. Die. Repeat. (Not really a question.)

Remain self aware, y'all.

xx

(2 kisses.)

FLATCAP HAT PERSONAL BRAND

From what I understand the flatcap personal branding solution is making an organic comeback. You may remember this meme circa 2010-2011, where it was a relevant personal branding solution for the following groups of people:

• Fisherman.
• Tattoo man
• Straight Edge guitar techs.
• Poachers / faux Romanian gypsy chic. 
• Steam Punk alternative personal brand.
• Broads who liked photography.
• Broads who keep a diary.

This list is no means exhaustive, and there may have been other sub-cultures who adopted this trend. Do y'all remember the Edge from the popular stadium band U2?

Seems like he could've afforded hair plugs / a better hat, but maybe it was a poor decision made by his marketing team or he saw it on TV somewhere? I guess we'll never truly know the answer in our post-U2-free-album-backlash world. 

Isn't it funny how fashion goes in swings and roundabouts? What was last seasons darling trend is this seasons amateur hour.

In this post I've been exploring my relationship with personal branding in the modern urban environment. 

Q&A

Would you describe yourself as an early adopter or a late adopter? I'd probs describe myself as a medium adopter; although I'm not adverse to the idea of wearing disco pants (for him) I'd most likely hold off buying some until 3-5 of my core bros had committed to the situation 1st.

Have you ever considered the Straight Edge personal brand, or is that mostly for people who 'go completely effing mental after 2-3 drinks' / people trying too hard?

What's the most relevant accessory in your wardrobe?

What's the least relevant? (Bonus question.)
Do you embrace new / current / returning trends or violently reject their teachings?

Please remain open-minded when creating / maintaining your personal brand, but also be ready to immediately throw someone under the bus when they make a poor decision. (Metaphor.) 

30_SOMETHING: KIDS

(30_SOMETHING is an emotional new feature where we examine our situation as self aware adults IRL.)

-----

I always thought I'd have kids at 30ish. I also thought I'd have a thick mane of chest hair like Sean Connery in the Bond film. Neither happened.

At 31, I'm not in a rush for either; regularly ensuring that the woman's on the pill (because condoms) and fortnightly running a number 2 clipper over my chest. So what happened there then? It's tricky, y'all. From what I understand having kids can either complete your life, making you a better person - or completely eff it up, making you :-[
Scientists state this situation comes down to how the pregnancy came about:
a) Planned. "We are happy. This is a beautiful embodiment / culmination of our love / effort to save our marriage."
b) Unplanned. "'Jesus Christ'. I cannot believe this is happening to me. I am fucked. You told me that you would pull out."

Excited about having a little bro to pass the torch to; eventually asking him for IT support when my brain microchip fails to boot. I will fade into old age, watching from the sidelines as he grows into maturity strong and clean.
Worried about not even liking the kid when it grows up. What if it doesn't get by personal brand / is interested in 'complete and utter bullshit' like football, dentistry, or dubstep?


Q&A
Would you install a brain microchip into your brain or is that effing weird?
Would you do it if it had an Apple logo on it? (This question explores our relationship with technology and branding as savvy consumers living in the 1st World.)
Do you have kids? If so, how would you rate your situation out of 10, where 10 is 'The Best Thing I Ever Did' and 1 being 'Complete Fucking Disaster'?
I don't know which Sean Connery Bond film is which :-[ You have the 1 with the broad in the white bikini, the 1 with the N64 Goldeneye Odd Job-bro, the Asian 1, and then the 1 with the moon raker. (That 1's called The Moonraker ;-] ) I guess I don't really have a question.

In this post I've been riffing upon my thoughts on children in our post-20 something world.


Remain self aware, y'all.
xx
(2 kisses.)

PARKOUR SEEMS A RELEVANT WAY TO STICK IT TO THE MAN

I was walking through the modern urban environment and saw a group of youths performing the popular teen hobby of parkour. From what I understand, the modern urban environment becomes your playground. You are jumping over a wall of above average height. You are balancing on a rail. You are jumping down stairs, climbing railway property, and refusing to cooperate with police.
You are sticking it to the man / maxed out on your overdraft.
You are free.

Seems like a great outlet to 'blow off steam and effing be yourself'. Let's get real; sometimes the world just doesn't understand you / your situation, so it's great you can round up a group of your core bros and play sillybuggers in a local space. Up until now young white people had so few ways to truly express themselves (marijuana amphetamine bongs, a kickaround in the local leisure centre, reggae music). I'm not a scientist but I guess that's why we never see a black person doing parkour - as they have loads of great activities to participate in already (professional athleticism, the rap game / gang culture / put a cap in a dome, 'protesting about black issues via social media or sharing a poignant think piece'). 
I guess it takes all sorts.


Q&A
Much like the micro scooter meme of 2010, I thought that this situation was done and dusted. (Not really a question.) 
Do your parents / middle manager not understand you / your personal brand? :-[
Shouldn't it be enough that you:
a) Turn up to work on time?
b) Delete your browser history? 
Or do they want something more?
What's the most relevant way to stick it to The Man?
a) Partially shaved haircut situation?
b) Being born rich / dating a poor person combo?
c) Being born poor / dating a rich person combo?
d) Charity fun run?
e) Ambiguous social media profile piccy?
f) Turning up late to work / ignoring deadlines?
g) Living in the woods?
h) MP3s?
Aren't we all just trying to find the most relevant outlet to minimise the stresses of the 1st World, be it starting the mosh pit or getting breast implants?
Just want to ask 1 question really - did anyone play Mirrors Edge?

xx
(2 kisses.)

SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE SITUATION

Thousands of years after the events of Braveheart I'm so glad that we're finally at peace with Scotland. Y'all can buzz about it all you want, but unfortunately the reality of the situation is that no one really cared enough about it 
:-[ sadface. It's such a shame because iamawaitingyourereading was running a competition for exceptional young people to design the new Scottish flag. The winner would've received 10 iam___ points, which could've been exchanged for cool prizes from our Etsy shop:

• An exciting product from the Owl Economy. 
• A DVD of the Muslim propaganda film, Life of Pi.
• 6 months of Zumba classes to remove that stubborn belly fat.
• Extra internets. 

Thank eff that we don't have to sort through the dozens of entries for a winner now - but let's look at some of the best entries we received, hmmm?

Traditional Tartan Flag

This one seemed to be a front-runner from day 1. It's synonymous with the kilt and it's featured heavily in the films Highlander and the film by Pixar.

Lochness Monster Flag

The Lochness Monster Economy raises literally hundreds of pounds every quarter. Although science seems pretty whatevs about the situation, dismissing it as a load of old codswollop, die hard fans continue to believe. 

Pork Pie Flag

Savoury snacks are also big business in Scotland. This flag celebrates authentic Scottish food in a clean and elegant way.





Q&A
Do you know anyone / are you someone from Scotland? 
Will this 'No' vote create negative vibes throughout Britain?
With the availability of cheap broadband is geographical location becoming more and more unimportant? Is this zzz boring vote situation another example?
Do you keep up with current events or is that mostly for bros trying to create the opportunity to cum with broads who walk barefeet?
What's the difference between England and Britain?
What's the difference between an exceptional young person and a grubby little know-it-all, or are they basically the same thing?

THE NHS SENT ME A SURVEY. I AM GLAD.

Y'all.
Have y'all ever heard about the NHS? From what I understand, it provides jobs for medical students who can't find work privately due to poor grades / miscellaneous misconduct. It also offers experienced call centre staff the chance to earn over £9 an hour manning the phones for 999 Emergency Services and 111 Casual Services Hotline. It's an exciting opportunity. Unfortunately, The Man / Government is constantly trying to destroy the NHS; dismantling its infrastructure and undermining its situation.
Obviously we should try to keep ourselves to ourselves where politics are concerned. There's just so much content out there, y'all. We can't afford to waste time and 'get the knickers in the twist' when there're so many torrents to illegally download. MP3s. 1080p movie torrents. Games. TV series' and of course amazing pornography. Sometimes it's a wonder that anything gets done ;-]

As you're no doubt aware, The Man / Government doesn't have a very evolved online presence and prefers to send 'serious letters' to civilians :-[ 
This morning they sent a letter to me.

Fortunately my parents brought me a reasonably priced Dell Desktop PC with printer / scanner combo for Christmas, so I can scan it and share it with y'all. 

I'm feeling happy because I've been chosen. 
I'm also making a substantial diff in the world because I'm learning about PM David Cameron. (PM = Prime Minister.) 

This photo ^^^ makes me proud to be British. I feel that I finally 'get' David Cameron. 

In image 1) we see that our leader is well informed. He's taking the time to chat shop with some frumpy-looking broad. Thank eff that a photographer was there or we might have missed this content.

In image 2) we see that our leader is basically a bro; he's one of us. He's playing sillybuggers with the staff. He's probably talking about a popular TV series on Sky HD or something about Tesco Local. He's loling out loud.

In image 3) David seizes an opportunity to promote his compassionate personal brand.

I feel that I finally 'get' David Cameron. 


Q&A
Have you ever voted or is that for people who're trying too hard?
Are letters the most unself-aware form of communication?
Why are there no black people / miscellaneous coloureds near our PM? 
a) Innocent coincidence?
b) Passive aggressive racism?
c) Missed opportunity?
Will the soft collar / no tie personal brand be big for politicians in 2014?
WTF is an MRI scan?

xxx
(3 kisses.)

WHAT WILL REPLACE THE OWL ECONOMY?

Hey y'all.
We've spent long enough investigating the Global Financial Crisis that we now have a pretty good grasp on the situation. Politically, we're right up there with some bro watching TED seminars online or some broad who's vegan - we just get it.

From what I understand, the Owl Economy continues to decline :-( sadface. Mysterious illuminati-like figures behind dated BS retail shops (BHS, Bert's Homestore, and Debenhams) are on the lookout for the next big thing. As self aware content consumers we're in a really strong position to predict up and coming trends. If we organise ourselves, liquidate our collective net worth, and invest heavily in _____ we could make redonk mad bank.

"I am constantly trying,
to raise my net worth,
by embracing emerging trends.
WTF is The Bitcoin?" - A Delicate Haiku 

'Jesus Christ'. What's the next big thing going to be? 

Ironic 80's Revival Revival

Orange. Green. Red. Yellow. Bold colours. You are wearing them. Maybe we should invest in an ironic revival of the recent 80's revival?

Badgers

The badger has an edgy personal brand. Broads who embraced the Owl Economy (in 2008) are now wiser and world-weary. They've been hurt :-( sadface. Rebranding their situation with badger merchandise would show them to be strong and independent as they heal (into 2014).

 Dinosaur Situations

Maybe we should all look into dinosaurs, y'all? Jurassic Park V (V = 5?) is in the pipeline for 2015, which should take sales to such great heights. 

Fox Animal

Despite a reputation for tramp-like behaviour (bin diving in bins, eating pets, stinky fur) the fox continues to have a great public image. Industry experts print foxes on shabby chic tins, frumpy dresses, but also coffee cups.

Matrix Coat

Matrix Coat?







At the start of this post I didn't feel very confident about my understanding of the marketplace, but now I'm feeling very confident :-) happyface.


Q&A
Do you TED? 
What's the diff between 'net worth' and 'gross worth' or are they 'basically the same thing'?
The Man / Government keeps on threatening to cull / murder badgers and foxes. Are owls pulling the strings behind this situation?
Would you change your Facebook profile piccy to support the basic human rights of #badgers or #foxes?
Would you change your Facebook profile piccy to support the cull / murder of #badgers or #foxes?
Do you not give an eff either way?

"Feeling incredibly confused by TED. 
Seems like documentaries made for unemployed postgrads & 3am marijuana smokers. 
Confused." - A Haiku

xx
(2 kisses.)

CAMBODIAN SITUATIONS

Y'all.
Just wondering if y'all have heard of the mystical land of Cambodia? From what I understand it's 'sort of like Thailand 5-10 years ago but so much more real, y'all'. It's like you can literally find yourself and learn to FEEL again.
That's a feeling that we'd all like to feel again :-( sadface.

"This is no bullshit, bro. This is the real shit." - A Bro

I've had 2 meals in 4 days. The flight here is 'complete fucking bullshit' [via transfers and miscellaneous Brown airports]. You gain an hour. You lose an hour.
Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure that it's Friday but it might still be Thursday. Life is so complicated that sometimes I feel completely overwhelmed by it all.
Sort of feel like the bro in the major motion picture That American Beauty; I am looking at the plastic bag situation and I am also looking for meaning. 
I've been hurt before - but I'm also willing to take a chance. On life.
I'm hungry. 1 beer costs about £1 a pint, give or take, but I need to eat something real. The food's not as nice as it was Thailand; I remember a circlejerk of spice and colour, whereas Cambodian food is more meat and 2 veg.

Obviously, I'm being scammed by the locals. The scam here is that 'they' offer you booze (which they get for cheap) and then 'you' reciprocate with booze (which is effing expensive) or 'you' get cut :-O amazed-face. It's really just another day at the office for the locals - but we can't hold it against them - we must do literally whatever it takes to alleviate the White Guilt, be that a charity funrun for Darfur or dying to death on the streets of Phnom Phen. To put it into perspective, a bro who works at a 'piece of shit minimum wage Tesco' job earns about $70-$100 a month. £1 is worth $1.60. 1 beer costs £1. 
I would scam me, were the situations flip reversed, y'all.
/:-/ concerned-face.


Q&A
When was the last time that you FEEL?
I feel that I look very kewl wearing a cut down T Shirt vest situation / aviator combo back in England, but here I feel that pasty-white tubby English-bros have spoiled the party for everyone, so now I don't know what to think.
Do we, as strong Caucasians living our modern lives in the 1st World, have a responsibility not to act like effing retards on tour to raise our nation's collective personal brand? (I'm talking about England, but also Australians and miscellaneous Europeans.)
Which of the following is the most entry level personal branding solution:
a) Baggy sadsack pants?
b) Miscellaneous MGMT headband?
c) Friendship bracelet personal branding decisions?
d) Tye-dye malfunctions?
e) Overweight broad / crop top combo?
f) 'Found myself Gwen Stefani Bindi 1990' situation?

Feeling very confused about our nation's collective brand when overseas.
Feeling like I need to turn the tide.
Feeling _____.

Today has been brought to you by CAMBODIA, but also by self-awareness and PERSONAL BRANDING.

YOU'RE WORLD: I AM USING SELF-TAN IN OCTOBER.

(YOU'RE WORLD is an astonishing feature where we try to become more self-aware by understanding other people's situations. iam___ readers, just like you, write in and tell us about themselves. Let's see what this week's situation is, hmmm?)

-----

I have always been sociable.
I was popular during high school and my market share was extensive during my Beauty BTEC / Travel & Tourism BTEC / Media BTEC / miscellaneous BS college BTEC.
Unfortunately, I was unable to find work in my field straight out of education - but fuck it - everything happens for a reason. I am sure that it will be okay.

For the last 3 months I have been working at the moderately priced highstreet chain, Boots. I am excited because my probationary period is nearly over. Soon I will receive a staff discount card. (10% across the store (except for 'high-end electrics'). I will lend it to you, but you have to promise to look after it.)

I apply the fake tan to my face. 
Sunbeds / spray tan combos are for losers. Hello? It's 2013 calling. I use self-tanning moisturiser situations. The results are so real; like I've been to a miscellaneous European country on a reasonably priced holiday with my bf - leaving behind Dominos 2 4 1 Tuesdays / a stale sex life and getting lost in a dizzy adventure, sipping Sangria in Corfu. 
If leaving self-tan on for 10 mins makes it look natural, then leaving it on for 15 mins makes it look even more naturaller. 
This stuff isn't rocket surgery ;-]

People look at me in the street.
They are jealous of my personal brand.

Obviously I only tan the oval of my face; I leave my neck / forehead / ears - no one cares about that stuff.

I am looking at you. Are you looking at me?

I am just me being 'me'. It is my choice to be 'orange' in the middle of Autumn - just as it is your choice to be a 'fish-skinned shade of beige' all year round. 
We can agree to disagree.
The world keeps turning.
I am comfortable. 

I am taking selfies.

I am of above average attractiveness. I am _____.

-----

'Jesus Christ'.
Do you have any advice for this broad? Remember to offer only your most constructive feedback in the comments. (Plz no internet trollers.) Whoever offers the most self-aware and socially responsible advice will receive over 100 iamawaitingyourereading points.

Good luck, y'all!
xxx (3 kisses.)

THE GRUFFALO MURDERED ME. (A DREAM.)

Last night I had a dream that the bear-man from Where the Wild Things Are came to murder me, but after careful internet research I discovered that it was the Gruffalo.
I am aghast.

From what I understand, Gruffalo has a very approachable personal brand and is part of a popular children's franchise for children. This shocking turn of events left me feeling highly suspicious of any Gruffalo-related product or service. 

I am in the woods. I am feeling vulnerable. #getting_back_to_nature.
I understand that 'playing in the woods' is a pastime of poor people with moderate broadband speed / limited mobile internets. This is not 'me'.
I am feeling :-(
Gruffalo arrives and we skip down the mossy path. (Not gay.)
I am feeling :-)
     I really liked the film you made back in the day, I say to Gruffalo.
     "That wasn't me," he replies. "You're thinking of Where the Wild Things Are."
     I am sorry.
     "That's cool. It happens all the time, man."
Time passes and I realise that Gruffalo is not legit. Not at all. He is an adult man / moth-monster who spends all day / night with children; from what I understand this obviously makes him a peodofile. How could I have been so blind? Things deteriorate rapidly. 
     "I will kill again," says Gruffalo. 
     Oh. 
     :-(
(I did not watch his film.)


Q&A
Is Where the Wild Things Are / Gruffalo 'basically the same thing'?
Unfortunately, I've not researched the issue - but if I had to guess - I'd say that Gruffalo weighs about 400lbs. After my nightmare I armed myself with a screwdriver and checked my house for danger. Would a screwdriver protect me from Gruffalo or are we realistically looking at a shotgun / spear combo?
If you were being mercilessly hunted by a cartoon who would you choose?
a) ET?
b) Snoopy Dog?
c) Fatso Garfield Cat
d) Starscream Decepticon?
e) Miscellaneous Clever-clogs Political Cartoon?
f) Alf?
Just want to ask 1 question - is Gruffalo an abomination?

Keep safe, y'all.
xx (2 kisses.)

LIFE: DO YOU / ARE YOU A MILF?

Y'all. As the circle of life spins we become more self-aware; our MP3 collection becomes more refined and we become more accustomed to 'turning a blind eye' to the 3rd World :-) happyface.
However, from what I understand unless you commit to a calorie deficient diet / exercise, we also become more unattractive :-( sadface.

I am confused.
I am 'thinking about life'. 
I am thinking about the promotion of my personal brand in the crowded urban environment.
I was discussing ^^^ these situations with a platonic girl friend. Using my eyes I noticed that she was no longer a spring chicken and had evolved into a hen - a member of the bird family. She had become a milf.

Have y'all heard about milf? Y'all may remember the major motion picture One American Pie, where a young man sleeps with an older woman. She was sort of _____ looking but still very sexually active.  From what I understand, 'milf' stands for 'mother that I would like to fuck' :-O amazed-face. 

At the start of this post I was like, "Whatever," about the Milf Economy - but now I don't know what to think. Although the lack of buoyancy in the physical department could be disastrous, in theory they should know more advanced sexual shenanigans which should 'blow your effing mind, y'all.' They may also have a steady job / career situation, which hopefully won't be in a BS industry like teaching or customer service.


Q&A
Are you / your peers turning into a milf as the circle of life spins and we all grow older?
Should we embrace the Milf Economy or 'violently reject its teachings'?
Would you rather:
a) Date someone much younger - Tons of amazing sex. Both parties are very excited. "This is new. I hope my peers / parents don't 'lose their shit.'"
b) Date someone a lil younger - Loads of props from your peers and high 5's from strangers in the modern urban environment?
c) Date Someone EXACTLY the same age - Making a big deal when it comes to birthdays. "We are loling out loud because it is BOTH our birthdays today."
d) Date someone a lil older - Eating out in reasonably priced restaurants / takeaway 1 - 4 times a week. Talking about feelings. "I want to FEEL again."
e) Date someone much older - Tons of amazing sex. Miscellaneous reasonable holiday to crappy European holiday destination. 
You MUST choose one.
Has C. Cox had too much plastic surgery or should she have more?
Would you have sex with your friends Mum / Dad?
If you did, and you got caught, would you blame it on the parent saying they coerced you / raped you?
(I'd probably not have sex with my friends Mum / Dad as friendship is way too important to me.)

xxx
(3 kisses.)

1STWP: ARE SIRENS ON EMERGENCY SERVICE VEHICLES TOO LOUD?

(1st World Problems is a regular feature on iam___ where we explore the many dangers which threaten us as self-aware members of the 1st World. Let's see what today's situation is.)

-----

Hey, y'all. As y'all know - we must constantly be striving to improve our quality of life in the 1st World. We have a responsibility to 'show the others how it's done'. 
We must constantly:

• Exploit those less self-aware than we are to provide us with goods and services 'for the right price'.
• Avoid paying for things that we're entitled to (MP3s, utility bills, unsecured wireless networks).
• Do Flash Mobs / change our Facebook profile pictures to facilitate change.
• Do charity funruns to placate the White Guilt.

I am planning to send a strongly worded email / create an e-Petition to complain about emergency services vehicles; the unacceptable noise which they make startles me and potentially compromises my personal brand. 
Remember, you NEVER know who's watching you, analysing you, and judging you. That's a fact. Can you afford to be 'caught with your pants down' and show fear, hmmm?

Unfortunately, I have not researched the issue - but if I had to guess - I would say that the sirens are loud for the following reasons:

a) To make people notice that THIS is an emergency.

b) 'A small man syndrome'.

c) Show off.

d) Too many buddy-cop films (Lethal Weapon, K9 Police Dog, The Other Guys).
e) To cut through the noise of the modern urban environment.
f) Because it is fun.
g) Very selfish reasons.

As you're no doubt aware, we ALL have emergencies in today's modern world.
Come. Let us reflect:

• Mobile phone on low battery.
• Shop about to close.
• Late for work. "I hope middle management / management does not notice. I do not need this so close to my quarterly pay review."
• Several important things that need doing during a 1 hour lunch break.
• Extending our social network.

Who's to say who's emergency is more pressing?
OURS, as we walk from A to B trying to have a conversation on our phone ffs.
SOME OLD DEAR, who can't feel her legs.
?

Take care of y'allselves.
<3 heart symbol.

LIFE: DO YOU CARE ABOUT YOUR CARBON FOOTPRINT OR DO YOU NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR CARBON FOOTPRINT?

From what I understand our amazing planet is in serious danger, y'all.
Come. Let us reflect:

• Pollution.
• Negative Vibes. 
• Greenhouse Gas Emissions.
• O Zone Layer.

All of ^^^ this BS equates to our Carbon Footprint. Fortunately, there are several ways to reduce our Carbon Footprint - ensuring that we leave a vibrant and beautiful world for our children and not some 'effing retarded' post apocalyptic wasteland, similar to the major motion picture The Road or Central Poland. 
Recycling. Planting trees. Charity funruns. We can also go and build a well in the 3rd World; this provides precious drinking water for brown people and also alleviates our White Guilt. THESE are our tools to create a better tomorrow. 

We all must do our bit and stop playing sillybuggers with Mother Nature. 

Q&A

Do you believe in Recycling or does it probably just end up in the landfill?

Which animal will we successfully drive to extinction next?

a) Giant Panda Bear?

b) Tiger? (Obviously a member of the Cat family.)

d) White Rhino Animal?

e) Miscellaneous Insect? (No one really cares about this one.)

f) Hawksbill Turtle?

Should we, as a species, stop trying to make these ^^^ amazing animals extinct and instead concentrate our efforts on rubbish animals, which deserve to be 'murdered'? (Seagulls / Wasps etc.)

Is the O Zone Layer real? It seems like it could be a made up thing.

x
(1 kiss.)