PROTECT THE PLANET, Y'ALL

From what I understand our planet is fucked :-[ sadface

Come. Let us reflect:

• Redonk Greenhouse Gas emissions
• Unchill polar ice caps
• Decline of popular animals (tiger cat, elephant etc)
• Decline of 'crap' animals (wasp)
• Failure of government to take the situation seriously

I am v worried. I am v furious.

To this end we're starting an amazing and cool new charity called 'EFF POLLUTION'. It'll be in ALL CAPS because, as everyone knows, caps lock is cruise control for cool B-]

Now, there's several things that you can do as a self-aware content consumer in the 1st World and savvy reader of iam_____. 
We need someone to design a logo. Unfortunately, this exciting opportunity will be unpaid, but we can offer you 10 exposure and obviously it'll look amazing on your portfolio; possibly leading to further exciting opportunities at BuzzFeed / primitive printed media outlet. (This will also be unpaid.)

We also need a rad tagline; something that The Kids can really get behind. We've been riffing on some ideas at the office and we think that we've narrowed it down to some really punchy options. Here are the options now:

EFF POLLUTION

Save the polar bears. Kill yourself.

EFF POLLUTION

The future is in the future.

EFF POLLUTION

Plastic bag? No thanks, bb!

Cut Greenhouse Gas emissions. Nuke Punjab.

If you think everything will be okay please think again, idiot.

Stop deforestation. Trees are people too.


Q&A
Do you care about the planet?
Do you not care about the planet?
Sometimes I see these doods protesting about climate change and they just seem straight up annoying, so I regularly leave my flat with the central heating turned up all the way to the max and I also leave all the windows open :-] (Not really a question.)

The time for moderate protest / peaceful cupcake sale is over. We, as a species, must lower our carbon footprint via any means necessary - be that by limiting our consumption of red meat or by simply combining the entire resources of the entire planet into one great big huge milkshake and throwing it at The Man.
Absolutely very livid right now and I will be sending a very strongly worded email to my local MP.

Furious right now >:-[ but I've taken the time to compose myself and compose this delicate Haiku.

World.
We only have 1 world.
Please recycle your _____.
iamawaitingyourereading © 2019

A ROYAL ENGAGEMENT. REJOICE!

As you're no doubt aware, at iam___ we are so excited about any situation involving the Royal Family. They are amazing and we are filth. They are so amazing and we are so filthy that sometimes I can't even look at myself in the mirror and just want to die. 
I penned this delicate and vulnerable Haiku. 
Come. Let us reflect:

"Royal.
What does it mean to me?
I wish I had lived in a Royal Womb,
for 9 clean months." - Haiku © 2017. Please Like and Share.

Rejoice! The time has come! Stop smearing your own shit on the wall and pay attention listen up, dumbdumbs! We are dirty, dirty pigs eating slop! 

Yes, that's right, William has decided to marry. The most eligible bachelor in all of Narnia has decided to choose his queen. She is not Caucasian but that's okay in our post-Scarlett Johansson is Master Chief in Ghost in the Shell world. Not sure why everyone's bringing race into this as we are all basically equal (apart from Poland obviously). 
Shame. Shame.

Really feel that this could be the turning point in our collective situation as a species and steer us clear of the Intergalactic Economic Downturn.

Really feel that _____.

Really feel that Harry might settle down and stop playing sillybuggers, and maybe get a job, and stop playing sillybuggers. 

Old Media reported that he (Harry) was 'in the military' but my sources at Buckingham Place stated that's a load of old codswallop. I completed Halo 3 on Legendary Mode so I've seen some serious shit so I know what's up; he was probs a hundred miles away from combat dicking around on Skype, the effing dingdong. 
(That text ^^^^ is fact but the following text is unsubstantiated >>>> I also think that he pressured low-ranking female soldiers into sexual shenanigans. Nothing rapey but defo a lot of pressure. I am aghast. Really bad form, man.)


Q&A
a) Are you interested in this engagement?
b) Are you disinterested in this engagement?
c) (I'm not sure who his fiancé is so I'm going to call her Rebecca) but Rebecca seems a lot prettier than he is so do you think that they'd be engaged if he was like middle management at PC World? (This question is rhetorical.)
d) Does this engagement make you raise your scruffy serf head from the minimum wage cotton fields and say, "Yes! Yes, this is amazing! Rejoice!" or are you pretty whatevs about the situation. (This question is rhetorical.)
e) (_____ self-aware commentary on the Class System.)

At the start of this post I was feeling like 'I don't give a rats ass' about the Royal engagement but now I'm thoroughly behind it. I'm going to put £1 a week to 1 side so that I can contribute because that's all I can do. 
Might buy them some nice flowers for the Reception. 
Might buy them some pigs in blankets for the buffet.

If you don't do your bit or show your support then you are a dog. You are a stinky rat. 
As soon as my fingers have keyed in the last character of this beautiful truth I'm going to head to my bank, withdraw everything, and gift half to the Royal Wedding it is so important and I am filth. 

<3 William
<3 Rebecca

I think THINK she's in some straight to DVD / streaming series so maybe we'll see Prince Harry do some inorganic cameo biz. Those chandeliers aren't going to pay for themselves, y'all. 

In this post I've been exploring my relationship with the Royal Fam.

xx
(2 kisses.)

30_SOMETHING: KIDS

(30_SOMETHING is an emotional new feature where we examine our situation as self aware adults IRL.)

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I always thought I'd have kids at 30ish. I also thought I'd have a thick mane of chest hair like Sean Connery in the Bond film. Neither happened.

At 31, I'm not in a rush for either; regularly ensuring that the woman's on the pill (because condoms) and fortnightly running a number 2 clipper over my chest. So what happened there then? It's tricky, y'all. From what I understand having kids can either complete your life, making you a better person - or completely eff it up, making you :-[
Scientists state this situation comes down to how the pregnancy came about:
a) Planned. "We are happy. This is a beautiful embodiment / culmination of our love / effort to save our marriage."
b) Unplanned. "'Jesus Christ'. I cannot believe this is happening to me. I am fucked. You told me that you would pull out."

Excited about having a little bro to pass the torch to; eventually asking him for IT support when my brain microchip fails to boot. I will fade into old age, watching from the sidelines as he grows into maturity strong and clean.
Worried about not even liking the kid when it grows up. What if it doesn't get by personal brand / is interested in 'complete and utter bullshit' like football, dentistry, or dubstep?


Q&A
Would you install a brain microchip into your brain or is that effing weird?
Would you do it if it had an Apple logo on it? (This question explores our relationship with technology and branding as savvy consumers living in the 1st World.)
Do you have kids? If so, how would you rate your situation out of 10, where 10 is 'The Best Thing I Ever Did' and 1 being 'Complete Fucking Disaster'?
I don't know which Sean Connery Bond film is which :-[ You have the 1 with the broad in the white bikini, the 1 with the N64 Goldeneye Odd Job-bro, the Asian 1, and then the 1 with the moon raker. (That 1's called The Moonraker ;-] ) I guess I don't really have a question.

In this post I've been riffing upon my thoughts on children in our post-20 something world.


Remain self aware, y'all.
xx
(2 kisses.)

LIFE: DO YOU / ARE YOU A MILF?

Y'all. As the circle of life spins we become more self-aware; our MP3 collection becomes more refined and we become more accustomed to 'turning a blind eye' to the 3rd World :-) happyface.
However, from what I understand unless you commit to a calorie deficient diet / exercise, we also become more unattractive :-( sadface.

I am confused.
I am 'thinking about life'. 
I am thinking about the promotion of my personal brand in the crowded urban environment.
I was discussing ^^^ these situations with a platonic girl friend. Using my eyes I noticed that she was no longer a spring chicken and had evolved into a hen - a member of the bird family. She had become a milf.

Have y'all heard about milf? Y'all may remember the major motion picture One American Pie, where a young man sleeps with an older woman. She was sort of _____ looking but still very sexually active.  From what I understand, 'milf' stands for 'mother that I would like to fuck' :-O amazed-face. 

At the start of this post I was like, "Whatever," about the Milf Economy - but now I don't know what to think. Although the lack of buoyancy in the physical department could be disastrous, in theory they should know more advanced sexual shenanigans which should 'blow your effing mind, y'all.' They may also have a steady job / career situation, which hopefully won't be in a BS industry like teaching or customer service.


Q&A
Are you / your peers turning into a milf as the circle of life spins and we all grow older?
Should we embrace the Milf Economy or 'violently reject its teachings'?
Would you rather:
a) Date someone much younger - Tons of amazing sex. Both parties are very excited. "This is new. I hope my peers / parents don't 'lose their shit.'"
b) Date someone a lil younger - Loads of props from your peers and high 5's from strangers in the modern urban environment?
c) Date Someone EXACTLY the same age - Making a big deal when it comes to birthdays. "We are loling out loud because it is BOTH our birthdays today."
d) Date someone a lil older - Eating out in reasonably priced restaurants / takeaway 1 - 4 times a week. Talking about feelings. "I want to FEEL again."
e) Date someone much older - Tons of amazing sex. Miscellaneous reasonable holiday to crappy European holiday destination. 
You MUST choose one.
Has C. Cox had too much plastic surgery or should she have more?
Would you have sex with your friends Mum / Dad?
If you did, and you got caught, would you blame it on the parent saying they coerced you / raped you?
(I'd probably not have sex with my friends Mum / Dad as friendship is way too important to me.)

xxx
(3 kisses.)

I HAVE SEEN A MAN WEARING A 'BONK MACHINE' T SHIRT. WORRIED.

Good afternoon, the internet. Let's get down to business hmmm?

I think that y'all and I know each other pretty well by now, and we share a number of key interests:

• Illegally downloading content.
• Snarky Blogspots / Wordpress situations.
• 'Taking the Mickey' out of politically-aware sadsacks.
• Self-awareness.
• Avoiding BS middleware (Yahoo! Toolbar, Bing Desktop Searchbar, Google + Social Suite, Super Advanced PC Tune Up, Auto Driver Update Situation, Clownshoes Media Player.)
• Avoiding disgusting DRM and, if necessary, manually removing its keys from our Registry so it's utterly effing annihilated - like Hiroshima, World War II (2), or the major RTS PC game from the 1990's Total Annihilation.

Do y'all like fashion?

Unfortunately, I have 'my hands full' just trying to stay abreast of the latest meme cycle and cyberbullying strangers, so I can't commit that much time to the world of fashion and 'what's in' :-( sadface. 

Mostly just wear a mix of retro 'statement pieces' along with generic earthy-colour palette pieces, and throw in a fruity accessory as a conversation starter. 

I'm not much of a fashion-monger, but does ^^^ that sound 'okay?'

Sooo confused about trends and remaining informed about trends. 

:-? confused-face.

"I am in a constant war,

against myself,

to remain,

relevant." - A simply astonishing Haiku; emotive but also confrontational. 

Just saw some soggy little penguin wearing a 'Bonk Machine' T Shirt.

Worried.

I am not sure what this guys malfunction is - but if I had to guess - I would say that he probs does not get to 'do the bonk' too often. I would even go so far as saying that he's had between 1-3 sexual partners in his lifetime. I would even go so far as saying that these partners were of bellow average attractiveness. I would even go so far as saying [something hurtful].

Please be careful when making your wardrobe selection. 

Remember, the eyes of the world are on you / judging you and your situation.

"Although it is mainly,

what is on the inside that counts.

Looking good on the outside,

will make people like you 1st." - A Haiku © 2013

Q&A

Are you a #bonkmachine?

In 4 years will this guy look back and think, 'Fuck'?

Do you have any embarrassing fashion anecdotes?

Do they involve any of the following clothing brands:

Stiffy?

Naff Naff?

Baggy / skinny jeans?

Tie Dye situations?

Black bomber jacket / orange lining combo?

Manga and / or miscellaneous Anime clothing?

Frumpy bra?

Mum jean / baggy T Shirt combo?

Tell us YOUR fashion faux pas and YOU could win a laptop with an Intel Celeron Processor, 1 months antivirus protection with Norton 360 (no virus definition updates), and 1 to 1 technical support with that fucking Clippy paperclip thing.

Today has been brought to you by FASHION.

xx (2 kisses.)

LET ME SHOW YOU MY CAT

Hey, y'all.
Feeling really full of the joys of Spring / I'm drunk atm.
Thought I'd just riff about my cat in this post as things have been getting far too serious business around here recently. Let's begin hmmm?

My cat's called Mao-Mao LOL and as you can clearly see, she's fluffy and has the full package:

• 4 legs.
• Ears.
• A tail (not pictured).

She's 2 years old and I brought her from some broad I found on The Gumtree. Loads of goody2shoes' said that I should've got a rescue cat, but I just didn't think that that was for me, man. Not at all. From what I understand, a rescue cat is sort of like something that you'd find at the bottom of the bargain bin at your local crappy independent record shop / book shop / The Topshop / miscellaneous primitive dying high street business model.
Just didn't want that kind of BS in my life, you know?

Here she is again having a lil nap. Mao looks a lil bit like the Firefox fox in this photo (due to redonk tail action). Do y'all think that the creative team that invented the Firefox logo made 'mad bank,' or do you think that they were just a bunch of effing daydreamers / interns and got 'the shaft' due to poor legal representation / willingness to work for free to build their portfolio?
From what I understand, the job market is tough atm - so realistically sometimes it's like you have to lose the battle (work for free) to win the war (get a job).
Are call centre's 'fucking bullshit?'
What is THE WORST job?
a) Retail Middle Management: Having to meet targets, bust the staff's balls about a bunch of BS, team building situations?
b) Singer / Songwriter Situation: Getting sooo vulnerable on stage, spamming your friends to like your Soundcloud MP3s, thrush STD?
c) Lazy Treefrog Binman: Throwing your metaphorical toys out of the metaphorical pram about _____?

Just thinking out loud. Riffing.
Mao spends loads of time keeping it casual / looking all kewt and stuff. 
Having her around enhances my situation in the following ways:

• Shows broads that I'm a sensitive, caring male / provider man.
• Entertainment (due to miscellaneous antics).
• Affection (due to miscellaneous physical contact).
• Responsibility. (Think having a Tamagotchi Pet / Pokeman Red / ChiChi Monster where the stakes are effing redonkulous high / possibility of death :-O amazed-face)
• Moral Boost. (When Mao comes into my room at 8am and gets 'all up in my grill' I know that it's going to be a simply outstanding day.)

Q&A
No Q&A today. 
Just go out and keep things as real as humanly possible. 
(Cyberbully at least 1 person.)

xxx
(3 kisses.)

#BINSTRIKE

Really want to get real with y'all for this post. 
/:-/ compassionate face.

(This is a think piece about Brighton Bin Strike 2013.)
I live in an opulent seaside town in the South East of England. 
Life is pretty casual. We have a predominantly Caucasian population and most of the miscellaneous coloured peoples are Asian. 
If I had to guess, I would say that our city would score 8/10.

Recently our bin-people voted to go on strike for a week. They're working over the weekend then going back on strike again for another week. Unfortunately, I don't understand the situation, nor the politics involved - but I've heard the following reasons for this situation:

• No more time-and-a-half on Bank Holiday Mondays :-( sadface.
• Lack of steady hours :-( sadface.
• 4k paycut for 'some' staff :-( sadface.

I've also heard 'on the grapevine' that they are >:-( angryface about poor working conditions. (Soggy nappies, half-eaten DairyLea Dunker pots, some pizza crust, a mattress, _____.)

I can neither confirm nor deny any of ^^^ those reasons - as I tend to spend the majority of my time on snarky blogspots, entertainment content farms, and pornography sites - and not zzz factual news content aggregator sites. Anyways, after a week of strike action, we now have piles of rubbish 4' deep. They scar the face of our city like splashes of acne on a spotty teen.

"I am living, 
in a Material World,
and I am a material girl.
(The material is 'fucking bullshit.)'" - A very vulnerable Haiku

Obvs I spend most of my time OTI - so this situation effects me less than Tom, Dick, or Harry who have a less-evolved online presence than I do - but even my situation is being compromised.

• I have to walk past the rubbish.
• Smell.
• Seagulls / rats / plague. 

I saw a used tampon in the street.
I believe that women's hygiene products should be disposed of in an orderly fashion, much like a cat daintily burying its 'business' in a litter tray; it should be neither seen, nor heard. 

Feeling sooo confused about #binstrike.
:-( sadface.

Do the needs of the few (us) outweigh the needs of the many (bin-people) or needs the one (bin-person)? (This question is rhetorical but please feel free to share your views, y'all. The most self-aware and politically-savvy comment will win a T Shirt, which reads 'Eff Capitalism and Brussels.')

Really feel like I need to be more politically-active to resolve this issue.

From what I understand we all have rights.
The bin-people also have rights. Although they're probs less self-aware than the average iamawaitingyourereading reader or savvy, internet content-consumer >>> they have rights. Obvs I don't know any bin-people, but if I had to guess, I would say that they are 'into' the following:

• Desktop PCs with Pentium 4 processors.
• Short-term / high-interest loans.
• Yahoo! Toolbar.
• Competitive sports.
• Paying for content from iTunes / Amazon.com.
• Meat pies and savory snacks.

In the past Margaret Thatcher (M. Tatty) 'smashed' the unions for great justice but the bin-people said, 'No.' 

Unfortunately, I don't know if this #binstrike is something to do with ^^^ that situation. The 2 things seem like they're related.

Really need to get more politically-aware in preparation for the second half of 2013 / eventual fallout from The Eurozone Crisis and Galactic Economic Meltdown.

At the start of this post I felt like the bin-people were 'fucking assholes' for not tidying up, but now I don't know what to think. 
:-? confused face.
Might just chill on the internet until this 'effing nightmare' is over. 
#worried.


Q&A
Do you know a bin-person?
What's their situation / what do they want?
If you could go on strike for a week what TV box set would y'all watch?
Regarding multiculturalism - do you think that Asians contribute the most to our multicultural situation (due to science experiments, Manga clothes, Totoro merchandise, and their women-folk having redonkulous breast-to-ass ratio due to slender genetics)?
Which minority contributes the least?
Poland?
How should we be compensated for this outrage?
a) 1 week free Council Tax?
b) 'Murder' a politician or Fat Cat City Banker?
c) MP3s?
If it comes down to it, how should WE clean OUR streets?
a) Send all the rubbish to _____?
b) 'Push it all into the corners' like children tidying their room?
c) Fire?


CONCLUSION:
Really feel like we need to start getting organised and start 'taking names and kicking asses.' 
We need to take our collective situation to such great heights.
Our time is NOW!
We must strike back against oppression from bin-people and the government.
We must change our Facebook Status' / Profile Piccys NOW.
We must march on Town Hall (possibly playing bongos).
We must dress up in bin bags and do the Flash Mob. 
We must make sweeping statements and confrontational copy / try to link this situation to terrorism / the breakdown of traditional family values somehow.

(When I used to play Sim City and the little computer people went on strike, sometimes I just demolished their city with a volcano / UFO / miscellaneous disaster and went back to an old save point.)
Is ^^^ this the answer?
What do y'all think?

(This has been a think piece about Brighton Bin Strike 2013.)

SORT OF FEEL BAD FOR PEOPLE WHO WORK IN OUTSOURCED CALL CENTRES

Just got off the phone from some effing sillybilly woman in the Philippines working on behalf of The Halifax bank.  
After 20 mins+ of trying to make this broad understand my exact situation, I am left feeling sort of bad for her life / situation.
'Fuck'.

Obvs, these 3rd World probs don't apply to us. We have been born with a (metaphorical) silver spoon. 
Come. Let us rejoice:

• English as a 1st language. 
• Major motion pictures.
• Central heating.
• Food.

Most of the EU also has drinkable water direct from the tap. The obvious exception being Poland.

Not really sure if this hard-working call centre broad, Milet, is to blame - or if The Halifax is to blame for throwing expendable cannon-fodder to the wall?

WHO is to blame for this 'fucking shambles'?!

Halifax / miscellaneous crappy highstreet bank / customer service situation?

Members of the 3rd World for not applying themselves and learning to speak English correctly?

Should the whole world be forced to learn English and all other silly languages be outlawed?

Am I being too lenient on Milet (hard-working call centre broad) and should I demand to, "Speak with her manager / supervisor?"

Is this another symptom of the Global Economic Downturn, and are 'things' just going to get effing worse as we go 'further down the rabbit hole' looking for a solution to the Global Economic Downturn?
Why is the Philippines called 'the' Philippines? #confused.

Gtg. 
I am going to DL some nutritious torrents as compensation for the 20mins+ of my life that this broad's wasted.
Feeling really >:-( angryface at the 3rd World atm.
Feeling really /:-/ compassionate-face for these enslaved, un-self-aware savages.

Should we start an ePetition / all change our Facebook Profile Piccys to raise awareness / change the world?

Eff oppression!

xxo (2 kisses & 1 hug.)

1STWP - WHY IS IT WHEN YOU ARE NOT DRINKING EVERYONE WANTS A SITUATION, HMMM?

(1STWP is an 'exciting' feature where we explore 1st World Problems. As technologically-savvy and self-aware members of the 1st World, the dangers we face can seem overwhelming at times. Together - we can cope.)

-----

Sort of feeling a little _____ atm.

"I am thinking I need some time,
'off the front line'.
Some R & R. (That means Rest and Relaxation.)
I need some zzz, niggas." - An ancient Haiku from WW2.

My feels are deflated and my penis is flaccid. 
From what I understand, it is important to look after yourself / your situation. 
Feeling like I need to metaphorically slow down.

Maybe I need a spa day?
Do you know of any sites like Groupon / MyVoucherCodes which offer cheap spa days?
(They will probs be a .org or .net.)
Is a spa day an effective way to 'reboot' your stale relationship - or is it an admission of complete failure and incompatibility and time to euthanise your stale relationship?

The thing is, my nigs - as soon as you decide to have a quiet couple of nights in every Tom, Dick, and Harry comes out of the woodwork and wants a situation. 

Going to have to learn to say, "NO!" 
Going to have to take a stand. (Metaphor.) 
Going to have to draw the line. (Metaphor.)
Going to have to 'pretend that I left my phone in my coat pocket, which was downstairs, which was why I missed your call.' (Lie.)

Today has been brought to you by 1st World Problems.
(I'm also really interested in platonic spooning atm. If anyone fancies some platonic spooning - I have a bed, a cat, and some MP3s of soothing Amazon rainforest noises.)

x (1 kiss.)

YOU'RE WORLD - I AM A CHARITY FUNDRAISER

(YOU'RE WORLD is an 'amazing' feature where anons get to tell fellow anons their situation. Let's see who needs our assistance this week, hmmm?)

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I AM A CHARITY FUNDRAISER

Charity Beggar.
Charity Mugger.
Scrounger. 
Swampy.
'Fucking Asshole'.
Ugh.
I have been called it all this week. I am not sure if I can go on (with life). 

I have recently started an exciting new career in Charity Fundraising. 
Basically, I stand in a busy street and ask / guilt people into signing up for £5 - £10 a month (or whatever you can afford).
I am not paid an hourly wage, so my income is purely commission based. I am not sure if I can go on (with my 'career').

I have always been interested in helping those less fortunate / Caucasian / self-aware than me. Primarily, I am interested in the children with the little pot-bellies and the flies in the eyes. These children live in some of the worse conditions imaginable :-( sadface. Do you have a couple of minutes to spare so that I can tell you all about it?

• No food.
• No drinking water.
• No wireless internets. (Not even 'E'.)
• Africa, Darfur, Sudan, and of course - Poland.

The first couple of shifts I still 'fucking believed'.

Believed I was making a diff / making the world a more :-) place / making my parents proud.

I guess this is my problem - a problem that I desperately need help resolving.

I no longer chuffing care about charity. 

Little by little, signature by signature, it became less about charitable donations and more about doing whatever the eff it takes to get that signature / card number (long one across the middle) / 8 digit account number / 6 digit sort code / and secret security situation number (3 numbers on the back, nigga). 

I have lied. 
I have harassed. 
I am basically a 'prostitute' (but with a clipboard and plush soft toy free gift situation).

I am not sure if I can go on (with my 'career' / life).

I am ashamed. iam___

-----

'Jeezlouise'. 
What do you recommend this anon should do?

Change jobs?
Get some R E S P E C T (find out what it means to ME)?
Commit to social change (get 'back to where it all began')?
Commit virtual suicide (deactivate Facebawks account)?
Commit actual suicide (:'-( sadface-with-tear)?
Try to get a refund of 'effing worthless' degree (Media, Marine Biology, Sociology, Music Performance, Music Production, Music _____, Art, Art History, History History, French)?

Exciting new money making venture?

a) Killing spree (Grand Theft Auto IV 5)?
b) Illegal Cock-fighting situation (Pokeman)?  
c) 'Stacking shelves in Tesco' (Tetris)?

It is NEVER too late to change.
Whoever gives the most savvy and emotionally-complex advice will receive an adoption package for a Jaguar. (Your adoption pack will include a quarterly news letter, a little soft toy Jaguar nig, a pen, and a certificate. The charity is called The 9th Life Foundation (probs because cats have 9 lives.))  

xxxo (3 kisses & 1 hug.)

IS MIST THE MOST MYSTERIOUS THING ON EARTH?

Sup, niggas?
(That question is rhetorical.) 

As you know, I'm constantly trying to become more self-aware and promote my situation (both OTI and IRL / AFK). I'm really interested in a number of things - like charity / politics / feelings / and trying to get into the new season of Life is a Game of Thrones.

Recently I've been spending some time AFK and exploring the outside world. 
'It is a jungle out there'.

"Imagine a game,
which is so life-like it is 'fucking mental'.
You win the game, just by playing.
This game is called 'Life.'" A devastatingly powerful Haiku © 2013

Sort of feel like there is nothing more mysterious than mist. 

It can take the most basic situation and turn it into a situation where you would genuinely fear for your life.

From what I understand, even the most basic of tasks - like 'popping to the corner shop' / walking / sex in public places (spicing up doomed relationship) / topping up pay as you go gas card or mobile phone situation (if you are poor) can all have an undercurrent of menace if you throw mist into the mix.

Does anyone know what mist actually is?
Is it something to do with rain / humidity?
Does anyone even use pay as you go mobile phones anymore?
Do you know a person (or are you a person) who has to eff around with a pay as you go utility service, like gas or electricity?
Does that person (or you) feel like a 'teenage dirtbag'?

Please, everyone - be careful out there.
Try to avoid strangers / people you do not like the look of.

Today has been brought to you by MIST.
<3 heart symbol

MAJOR MOTION PICTURE - JACK REACHER

I'm just watching the major motion picture, Jack Reacher starring Tom Cruise atm. 
Sort of feel that this movie is 'textbook' Cruise.
Sort of feel that this movie is more than just that though. 
I believe that it is a cry for help.

Obvs, I do not know Papa Cruise - but if I had to guess I would say that this film is 100% how he sees himself IRL.

#worried.

I'm worried that T. Cruise is living in a 'fucking dreamworld' where he is some kind of living weapon / brainy clever clogs nigga / womaniser / kung fu monster / bad dude mofo / outlaw G. 
(^^^ Many of these aspirations are similar to a 12 year old boys understanding of the world.)

Sort of feel like T. Cruise is some kind of sad, Peter Pan type character.
He's the 'boy that never grew up'.

Whereas most 12 year old boys 'grow up' and realise that they probs won't manage to secure a job as an assassin or international space marine, eventually settling down with a plain wife and a steady job in a 'fucking bullshit' industry like retail or customer service, T. Cruise probs has enough £££ to do whatever the eff he wants.
I believe that his career lets him vicariously live a life of fantasy, adventure, and casual 'murder' on the big screen; allowing him to leave behind his worries - like being a single parent, cyberbulling from the media, and push-ups.
I believe that this is down to him 'having mad bank' and also him having no one around to say, "Tom. Just chill out, nigga. You're losing it."
Sort of respect his dedication to chasing his dream to such great heights.
Sort of worry about his overall mental health and 'grip on reality'.

Shame on you, Tom.

At 1 point, he wins a 1 v 5 fight. 
At 1 point, he gets his dome smashed up by a baseball bat but seems pretty relaxed about the whole situation.
At 1 point, he moves faster than some bad guy can pull the trigger (gun).
In addition - he is an expert at solving crime / every woman in the film gives him her 'sexy face' / he is compassionate / he is a 'murderer' / he has no possessions / has numerous mad skills / is a nomad / is wealthy / is _____.
Seems legit.

Do you think hanging out with Papa Cruise for the day would be:

a) Excellent. Chilling with A List celebs and getting lots of respect. Probs get to 'cum' with hawt starlets looking for a break and you'd all hang out in Miami?
b) Good. Lots of perks but you'd probs have to watch your mouth and agree with everything T. says, even if it's 'insane' or 'boring zzz'?
c) Okay. Bit confusing. Bit demoralising, as no one would talk to you and everyone would talk to Tom Cruise :-( sadface? (Probs play Nintendo Wii at some point.)
d) Bad. T. Cruise would bully you and constantly undermine your situation in front of co-workers and mutual friends? (Might throw things at you :'-( sadface with tear.)
e) Effing Awful. Something to do with Scientology / babysitting his kid while he goes out without you / 'murder' / Knight and Day film?

Anyways, I hope that everyone enjoys this movie. (It's a bit like the major motion picture This Mission's Impossible but also a bit like the board game Cluedo.) <<< If you like either of those things then you'll totes <3 this film :-) happyface.

x kiss parentheses x

UNDERSTANDING THE ECONOMIC DOWNTURN 4

Sort of feel like we're still no closer to understanding the Global Economic Meltdown, despite our best efforts to understand the Global Economic Meltdown.
:-( sadface.

I know that you're feeling sad.

I know that you just sort of want to bury your head in the sand (that is a metaphor). 
That isn't going to resolve the situation. 

Not at all.

"We are all in this together.

(Life.)

We must all come together.

(Not gay.)" - An intimate Haiku © 2013

Hopefully 1 day our collective situations will rise to such great heights. Until then, we must constantly ask, "Why?" and also create e-Petitions. 

This week in the Galactic Financial Crisis, some nigga called Finance Minister Wolfgang Schaeuble says that it's, "Time to stop playing sillybuggers and give Cyprus 10 Billion Euros NOW!!!1" From what I understand, if you give Cyprus 10B then they will 'sort their shit out' and stop stinking up the Eurozone situation.

As you know, I'm not a scientist or very good at maths or even talk the English 2 gdgd (because of too much time spent surfing the world wide web) but I believe that this 'plan' is 'fucking bullshit'. 

Sort of feel like there's no situation that can't be resolved with 10 Billion _____.

Does that even count as a plan?
Sort of seems like Papa Wolfgang Shabby just wants to throw money at the problem and hope for the best. 
For example, say that the Eurozone is some broad working at a 'titty bar'. She really wanted to make it in fashion / photography / NHS midwifery school / Tumblr / miscellaneous middle management call centre job, but things just never worked out. (Story as old as time :-( sadface.) So she starts 'showing the goods and shaking it like a Polaroid picture' to 'make ends meet'. Now Finance Minsta Wolfgang Nigga 'comes' into the situation and says, "Have 10B and chase your dreams, whore." Sister's probably going to stop working in the titty bar, but she's sure as eff not going to go to work anytime soon. (Probs go on a coke binge and probs buy herself a car / house / new mobile phone / fruity little dog / Friends on Blu-Ray 1080p situation.) 
Obvs, I don't know 'my ass from my elbow' so that analogy may be 'fucking bullshit' :-( sadface.

Maybe we (as media-savvy 20 and 30 somethings with several key skills across several key areas) should 'get off the bench' and 'get involved'?

What's the best effing way to get OUR message out to these fatcat city bankers / pencil pushers / bureaucrats?

• Charity bake sale?
• Acts of random violence (major motion picture Fighting Club for B. Pitt)?
• Acts of random kindness (major motion picture Yes Man for Jim Carey)?
• Smear campaign against prominent political figure?
• 'Murder'?
• Mass sulk / pisspants protest outside City Hall / chain coffee shop?
• Deactivate our Facebawks accounts for 2 days?

What will it take for OUR message to be heard ffs?!

"WE are the kids!
Inheriting the Earth. 
(And our parents house / money),
Fuck injustice!" - Haiku / Call to Arms

^^^ That nigga up there is ME!
^^^ That nigga up there is YOU!
^^^ That nigga up there is WE!

He's just making a diff / hoping to go mad viral / chanting shit / 'sticking it to The Man' / fighting for what he believes in.

What do YOU chuffing believe in?

(Please use the comments for astute and intelligent and self-aware and politically-aware discussion. (No cuss words, niggas.) Whichever anon wins will receive lots of respect and a pinbadge that says, "I effing hate racism >:-( angryface.")

Peace out, nigs.
Remain ethnic / political. 

1STWP - I AM THINKING ABOUT MY HANGOVER / SITUATION

Sort of wondering, "Why we do it to ourselves?" (Drinking / recreational drug use / staying up until 'mad late')

Sort of feeling _____.

I don't want to end up in a deadend relationship and watch box sets / order takeaway dindins / have a quiet night in every night. Nor do I want to throw a shape (dance) / go to da club (rapman) / get fucked up (fucked) every night. Just want there to be some middleground. 

Ugh.

Do you even know if this is even possible in today's technological world?
Do the lights never go out + is 'life' the city that never sleeps?
Am I looking in the wrong places?

"Just want to meet a woman who is into, 
throwing a shape. (Nights out.)
Enjoying MPEGs and MP3s. (Nights in.)
And touching it. (Penis.)" - Haiku from the nigga from the major motion picture Up

Man, so up for zzz. Feeling tired. 

x (1 kiss.)

RELIGION VS SCIENCE

Seems like it’s pretty legit to cyberbully / bully / point and laugh at any nig who’s ‘into’ religion. 

From what I understand, thousands of years ago it was pretty kewl to be into religion and cyberbully / bully / ‘murder’ any nig who was ‘into’ science.

Sort of feel like the hunter has become the hunted and the whole situation has been reversed. The persecution that religious niggas inflicted upon the science kids back in the day is now the other way round, and the science kids are persecuting the religious niggas.

Seems like there's a lot of metaphorical 'caps going into asses' (aka gang violence).

IDK whether to:

• Try to escalate the situation.
• Try to calm the situation.
• Become a member of #teamreligion.
• Become a member of #teamscience.
• Try to support my local church (with a charity skydive).
• Try to destroy my local church (with science ((with a nuclear weapon)).

FEELING SO #CONFUSED :-( SADFACE.

There are so many Pages promoting the science and ‘making fun’ of the religion on the Facebawks that my News Feed creaks under the weight. 

It is easy to look at the situation and think, "Fuck."

Maybe it’s because the majority of the Cool Kids are ‘into’ science and education and stuff? It’s like a mob mentality?

“Diversity is destroying us. We (as a species) must all agree on a subject as one and then brutally 'stamp out' any conflicting opinions.” - Some Jerkoff

If YOU met someone and they said that they were into Jesus would YOU sort of feel as though they were ‘a fucking asshole’?

If they were a man, I would think that they were a sexual predator or had been ‘touched’.

If they were a woman, I would think that they were from a strict, patriarchal household where the parents love was dished out only as a reward for achieving correct grades at school. She would be plain to look at, but you would sort of think that she would go ‘completely crazy’ in the bedroom (during sex). She would probably like mail-order clothing and probably enjoy drinking alcohopops (the Smirnoff Ice, the Reef, the WKDside) as it would ‘free her’ and mentally carry her away from a mundane life in the Midlands to a life of dizzy excitement in Las Vegas (because of the bright colours and sugar content).

We digress.

So, sort of feel like it’s now ‘acceptable’ to metaphorically ‘look down’ on people who are into Jesus and the Magical Jew God. 

“Why can we not just get along?
Why can we not just agree to disagree?
(But secretly know that we are right,
and that the other person is a ‘stupidhead?)’” – An Appeal for Compassion and Understanding on Earth

From what I understand, when some nigga invented the world being round he was laughed at by the religious people and called ‘something hurtful’.

But now, when some nigga says, “I believe that the world was made in 7 days / Noah’s Ark situation / Mosses Vs Sea / Papa Adam & Mama Eve-broad / Brb Jesus Resurrection / etc," we all think that they are retarded. 

Can we not just all get along? :-) happyface. 

Do you know anyone who's 'into' religion?

Is there something 'very queer' about them?

Is it problematic to sleep with some religious broad, as you're always going to be in direct competition with Papa G and probs won't measure up?

Was the world made in 7 days - or is that probs not true?

I think that the only good thing that has come from religion is the nun costumes and the light bondage accessories in Ann Summers, but what do YOU think?

I think that the only good thing that has come from science is Internets, but what do YOU think?

<3 heart symbol.

14/04/2013 - IT IS / IS NOT OKAY TO CYBERBULLY MARGARET THATCHER

Sup, nigs.
(That question is rhetorical.)

As you may or may not know, legendary IRL troll Margaret Thatcher died, like a week ago or something. Obvs, this is more of an issue for politically-aware / self-aware / unemployed post-grads with too much time on their hands - but maybe WE can learn something from this clusterfuck, too.

From what I understand, it is 'okay' to cyberbully M. Tatty because she was 'a cow'. 

Not sure about the specifics :-( sadface. 
Something to do with her shutting down coal mines and trying to create a utopian world, where everyone earning less than __'000k a year was forced to live 'like an animal'?

"The truth is out there, niggas." - X File

"Just want to live in a world,
where the rich get rich. 
And the poor get poorer and / or die." - M. Thatch [citation needed]

I'm sure we can all agree that with the massive advances in technology and self-awareness, this could never happen again.  

Oh.
(This political 'joke' has been brought to you by a rare collaboration between iam___, a 'newspaper', and a 'satirical political television program made for the yoof.')

Don't really understand or 'give an eff' about politics. 
Seems like it has it's place, though:

• To win an intellectual 'pissing contest' IRL.
• To get mad respect on some politics forum OTI.
• To 'cum' with some broad who is 'into' politics IRL / OTI.
• Learn about shit.
• Make the world a better place.

Anyways, Cool Kids the world over are still 'banging on about' Mama Tatty's death. 

"Margaret Thatcher? Moar liek Margaret Bitcher haha (I am laughing out loud)." - Some Jerkoff

Fuck.

Sort of feel like these niggas need to 'chill'.

From what I understand, the latest situation involves trying to get some stoopid song from Teh Wizard of Oz to 'Number 1'.

"It is because she is a witch and now she is dead." - A genius

Ugh.
Not really sure why it's 'okay' to bash Mama T. but not to bash other people?

"Bully someone AFK and you are a thug.
Cyberbully someone OTI and you are a troll.
Bully M. Tatty and you are _____." - A spiritual question / Haiku © 2013

Just soul-searching.
Just trying to be a better 'me'.
Sort of want to 'smoke ass' / 'put a cap' in these insensitive people.

Should I change my Profile Picture until this insanity passes?

"Just want everyone to put their weapons down.
(Both verbal and actual.)
Can't we just agree to disagree? :-) happyface." - An appeal for calm

Can ANYONE explain this fucking situation to ME?
Who cares about the Charts?
Do you know the Top 10?
5?
Have you seen the Motown version of The Wizard of Oz?
Diana Ross is Dot and Michael Jackson is Tin Man and MJs brother Toto is the Toto.
(^^^ that is mostly true.)

Is it 'okay' to cyberbully Princess Di?
If I wanted to 'get more involved' with politics, do you know of any exciting clubs / Facebawks Pages I could join / 'like'?
Do you think that an adult woman (25+) who likes politics is sort of like a young woman (25-) who likes horses / photography / ballet?
It is 'just a phase'?
It is 'just a phase' that they'll grow out of?

Peace, nigs.
<3 heart symbol.