FOOTBALL MAN

'Jeezlouise'. After our last astonishingly powerful piece of investigative journalism where we briefly touched upon football the emails have been coming in thick and fast. My team and I have had literally dozens of emails and 1 (primitive Old Media) paper letter from Neanderthal concerned members of the football community; specifically football man players who play football. 
The letter was written in crayon :-[ sadface

There were so many fucking expletives so I've tried to fucking clean it up as much as I can. Every dog has his day and all that. I'm absolutely aghast. 

'Jesus Christ'. A real potty mouth on this kid :-[ 

Here's a brief transcript from this rigmarole. 

Absolute degenerate. 

NSFW

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I always wanted to be a football man.

Kicking the ball.

Dribbling the ball to the end zone to win The Prize. 

I am doing a corner kick now.

I hope that the coach sees me - but moar importantly - he sees my potential.

I am a football boy now but I would like to be a fully-fledged football man (broad with too-dark eyebrows for her complexion / car that is okay / house in a secure environment where the insurance premium is too much but 'I have a lot of expensive shit' so I don't mind paying the premium even though the excess is a bit _____.)

Man, I could kick a football ball into orbit. 

It will circle the Earth's circumference for a thousand years because I have kicked it so high but also very very accurately.

I am just doing some football, y'all.

I am playing football now.

"Eff you, ref," I speak the words. "Double Hitler. You are a bad referee man, man. That biz was totally legit."

(I call him a cunt too. Fortunately, there is no YouTube footage so this biz will pass.)

Furious with the 'state of the game' right now.

I am kicking the ball.

I am good at kicking the ball.

I can win The Prize.

Sometimes I think of the sometimes when my bros and I were 'just having a kick around'. Oi oi.

'Doing some shit' at our local Leisure Centre. Oi. 

We were just crazy mixed-up kids back then; I never thought that my football skills could take me to such great heights but here I am playing a game of football.

I am flying without wings.

I am 3 lions on the shirt.

I can kick a football. 

I kick the football.

It is like I do not know if I am coming or going, y'all.

I can kick a football all the way to the curve of the Earth's horizon sunset, but will it bring me peace? My heart is a black and white hexagonal ball.

I am lacing my boots very very carefully.

I am checking my shin pads and stuff.

Football.

I runaround the football pitch for 10 thousand miles then return to the dug out and stare at myself in a mirror for like 10mins.

"Did you win The Prize?" my reflection asks.

"I did my best," I reply.

"Not good enough, fucko."

"I did my best."

"Not good enough, fucko."

"..."

Fuck football >:-[ angryface

I always wanted to be a football man.

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Oh wow. After that touching insight into the very mind of a football man I feel pretty whatevs about it. Time for a quick Q&A?

Q&A

Who gives an eff about football? (This question is rhetorical. The answer is, similar to the broad from Game of Thrones, 'No one'.)

I am so ashamed when these knuckle-draggers plod their way through Europe to 'support the team to win The Prize'. That's why I mostly pretend I'm not English when I go on holiday. For reals; be it Gatwick Airport or bumblefuck-middle-of-nowhere in Asia, I always speak words in a miscellaneous European accent. (Not really a question.) 

WTF is Love Island? I feel that football men and the broads that they have on that show are in a symbiotic relationship. (Not really a question.)

Are you football?

xx

(2 kisses.)

WHAT WOULD YOUR BOXING NAME BE?

Tyson Fury seems a pretty legit name for a boxer. At first I was a bit like yeah right, dude, that's not your real name but then I checked on Wikipedia and turns out it is. Wow.

It's made me think very seriously about what I'd rebrand myself as if I were to 'step into the ring to fuck someone up'. Yeah okay might be a bit late in the day as I'm 36, but with the correct name/brand and training montage I could be 'ready to rumble' in a month or so :-] 
It'd be like that film where the guy did the thing. 

Anyways, to have a puncher's chance I need to nail down this name/branding solution. I've been riffing on some cool ideas:

David Sledgehammer
Big Willie Punch
Kung Fu Man
Effing Boxing Man
Alex 'The Kid' Man
Volcano Pete
Slow-Eyed Paul

What do you think? (Please only constructive criticism or I will report you.)

Seems pretty _____ of the parents to name their child this way. With a name like Tyson Fury he was unlikely to have a sweet career in insurance, so might have missed out on some great experiences in a friendly office environment. If you named your daughter Buffy 2 Breasts she is unlikely to become a scientist and is more likely to have a sad career in pornography/Etsy :-[ sadface


Q&A
What would your boxing man name be?
This weeks meme seems to be The Women's World Cup Championship Prize (For Football Women) but unfortunately savvy content consumers are reluctant to embrace this product. Should Old Media stop banging on about women's football and accept that it's 'basically crap'?
Obvs football for men is also garbage. (Not really a question.)
Are all sports other than Mario Kart zzz boring?

Instead of dull human vs human combat I'd really like to see some brutal cockfight-themed contest, similar to Pokémon, where things can get redonk. Imagine a fight between a human and a giraffe. Or a robot vs two robots. 

PROTECT THE PLANET, Y'ALL

From what I understand our planet is fucked :-[ sadface

Come. Let us reflect:

• Redonk Greenhouse Gas emissions
• Unchill polar ice caps
• Decline of popular animals (tiger cat, elephant etc)
• Decline of 'crap' animals (wasp)
• Failure of government to take the situation seriously

I am v worried. I am v furious.

To this end we're starting an amazing and cool new charity called 'EFF POLLUTION'. It'll be in ALL CAPS because, as everyone knows, caps lock is cruise control for cool B-]

Now, there's several things that you can do as a self-aware content consumer in the 1st World and savvy reader of iam_____. 
We need someone to design a logo. Unfortunately, this exciting opportunity will be unpaid, but we can offer you 10 exposure and obviously it'll look amazing on your portfolio; possibly leading to further exciting opportunities at BuzzFeed / primitive printed media outlet. (This will also be unpaid.)

We also need a rad tagline; something that The Kids can really get behind. We've been riffing on some ideas at the office and we think that we've narrowed it down to some really punchy options. Here are the options now:

EFF POLLUTION

Save the polar bears. Kill yourself.

EFF POLLUTION

The future is in the future.

EFF POLLUTION

Plastic bag? No thanks, bb!

Cut Greenhouse Gas emissions. Nuke Punjab.

If you think everything will be okay please think again, idiot.

Stop deforestation. Trees are people too.


Q&A
Do you care about the planet?
Do you not care about the planet?
Sometimes I see these doods protesting about climate change and they just seem straight up annoying, so I regularly leave my flat with the central heating turned up all the way to the max and I also leave all the windows open :-] (Not really a question.)

The time for moderate protest / peaceful cupcake sale is over. We, as a species, must lower our carbon footprint via any means necessary - be that by limiting our consumption of red meat or by simply combining the entire resources of the entire planet into one great big huge milkshake and throwing it at The Man.
Absolutely very livid right now and I will be sending a very strongly worded email to my local MP.

Furious right now >:-[ but I've taken the time to compose myself and compose this delicate Haiku.

World.
We only have 1 world.
Please recycle your _____.
iamawaitingyourereading © 2019

POLICE COMMUNITY SUPPORT OFFICERS

Y'all. My team and I had literally dozens of emails after our last explosive post of cutting edge journalism investigating those mixed up kids doing wheelies on their bikes. 

Call them punks. 

Call them dweebs.

Call the police?

Obvs 111 casual emergency services, or @sussex_police Twitter tag thing, or direct dialling your local police station is a 'complete fucking waste of time' so all expedited reports must flow via 999 emergency services. It could be dialling in a very serious act of terrorism or just complaining about some tramp who is looking very suspicious. You can also dial 999 to report a group of miscellaneous teenagers you don't like the look of; just sex it up a bit and state that they're 'dealing marijuana amphetamine' or about to start a fight and you should have a police-branded vehicle upon your location in a couple of mins :-] happyface

Anyways, some Community Support Police Officer bro was tremendously vocal with his criticism on our last post and here is his feedback:

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I always wanted to be a policeman.

My peers at primary school always wanted to be an astronaut / cowboy but I wanted to serve my community. To make a diff.

I have trained very hard. Half marathons? No probs. 

I consistently deliver a 10min mile. Even with a full-kit of nice hat & pepper spray I can clear a mile in 9mins.

My son asks me if I am a hero.

"No, son," I reply. "I am not a hero. Just a bro. Trainee police. A Community Support Officer."

(He looks disappoint.)

I trained so hard! But hold up something is wrong.

:-[ sadface

At this point in my career I'd been jerking off in the male man cubicle religiously every Tues and Thurs, but now they have these transgender sexless toilets so I just masturbate all over the place and 'hope for the best'.

Once I graduated from policeman school I realised that I'd 'made some very poor life-choices'.

There is no £££ here. 

Fuck.

After years of austerity under _____ government there was no bank.

My exe wife keeps pestering me for £££, and I have told her like 10 times to back off, but bitch keeps on phoning. How can I pay Child Support when my fridge is empty? You dirty whore. I have a half of yesterday's carbonara and some Darylea Jumbo Tubes.

My first day on the job I was liek OMG, but now things are pretty sweetums.

I answer the telephone.

Theft. No thank you.

Miscellaneous disturbance. Please hold.

Unless someone's legit about to be murdered I mostly just chill in the office all day, dicking around on Facebook and spinning around on my rad posture correction chair. Man, I only leave the station to 'grab a bite' or to play Pokémon Go. (Gotta catch 'em all, bb!)

I always wanted to be a policeman.

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Well I feel a lot more chill about the situation after that transcript. Let's do a brief Q&A to round this post off hmmm?

Q&A

Are you police?

I'm really wondering for real one time if these Community Support Officers are being paid, or if it's some BS Pyramid Scheme, where exposure / 'this'll look great on your CV' shenanigans is going down. Worried.

Should our UK police be armed?

a) gun

b) taser

c) tactical nuclear device

xx

(2 kisses.)

WHEELIE ON A BIKE

Worried.

The hip new thing taking the nation's prepubescent boys by storm seems to be performing a wheelie on a bike. I'm not sure if this is fallout from austerity or something to do with the breakdown of the traditional family unit.

From what I understand, you take your bicycle to the concrete heart of the Modern Urban Environment and do a wheelie. Any distance between 1-6 foot is a win generating mad respect from members of the general public / miscellaneous onlookers. I wanted to learn moar about the situation so I interviewed one of these rigmaroles as part of iamawaitingyourereading's outstanding commitment to outstanding investigative journalism. Our interviewee preferred to remain anonymous but stated that he's representing the Rother District Murder Society Nigs. Let's see what he had to say hmmm?

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Unfortunately I have never been very academic :-( sadface.

My teachers state that I have potential, but that I fail to apply myself. They can 'fucking do one'. They do not understand the way it be and that I need to be me. I need to represent my postal code area code by any means necessary; be that by harassing a minimum wage security bro at Tesco or by playing a mumble rap song MP3 on a tinny-sounding Bluetooth speaker. 

I need to wheelie.

The wind rustles through my hair like Jesus to a child as I pop a fat one. (My crew of degenerates bully me. My hair is not cut very well. My hair is cut at one of those £9 places. I have explained that my mum is 'a broke ass whore' because she is studying to become a personal trainer / estate agent / Instagram sensation / something to do with eyebrows, but this reasoning has failed to remedy the situation.)

I need to be me.

When I rock a sick wheel' I am alive! I drop that biz like an atom bomb one time.
I am getting respect.

I never knew my dad. To me, he is just some bro who smells like Lynx deodorant and sad basement flat. A police Community Support Officer tells my homeslices and I to, "Pack it in." 

"Eat a dick and kill yourself, you gaylord," I tell him. He has no real power over me. Community Support Officers are just work experience policeman men and do not have my respect. The real power spins in the wheel.

Would that it were I could wheelie all my troubles away. 
Wish I could wheelie all the way to the horizon, man. 
Drop off the map and ride 1-wheeled into the sunset.

I will ride until I die, bb.

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Wow. At the start of this post I was feeling pretty whatevs about the current wheelie meme but now I can kind of get onboard with it. Boys will be boys. Let's not be so quick to judge, hey? :-) happyface


Q&A
Are you wheelie?
Does doing a wheelie like eff up the gears or something? I'm not a mechanic but it doesn't seem very sustainable.
Do you believe in sustainable fishing or are you more like yeah okay when tuna is on sale?
Why is salmon so expensive?
Are kid wheelie-bros a lost cause or can they be straightened out? Choose your tool:
a) bike confiscation
b) draconian public space laws
c) Daddy's belt
d) 'clip round the ears.'
e) disappointed glare
f) disinterested glare
g) hammer [via Stephen King Misery w/ Kathy Bates]
I watched Pet Semetary (sic) and The Dark Tower and they were both crap. (Not really a question.)

x