YOU'RE WORLD: I AM WORKING AT HMV

(YOU'RE WORLD is an astonishing feature where iam___ readers who need our help write in and tell us about themselves. Let's see what this week's situation is, hmmm?)

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I Am Working At HMV

Music is my life. 
I have been in several bands but unfortunately I have been unable to monetise the situation due to an over-saturation in our MP3 economy / The Galactic Economic Downturn. (Obvs I continue to DJ. Weddings. Pubs. I will work for free, however I would prefer to work for money as I am very heavily overdrawn :-[ sadface.)

Do you remember HMV (circa 2005)?
Great days.
The music-themed bric-a-brac store has been a very relevant presence in the highstreet for many years now, selling primitive physical MP3s such as CDs and vinyl technology. Poorly printed Gildan T Shirts. Well, we try to sell them. It does not happen often. I applied for a job at my local independent record store but unfortunately they were not hiring [via bankruptcy].
Music is my life.

I am replenishing the stock. No, nothing has been sold, I am just moving stuff around. 
Keeping busy.
Keeping warm.
I am advising middle-aged white bros about MP3s. "Have you heard of Arcade On Fire?" "Merriweather Post Pavilion is 9 years old now." "No, we do not sell pornography."
I am processing a refund.
I am promoting my band.
I am watching the clock.

"Would you like to come and see my band? We are playing a gig this weekend. Here; this is our Bandcamp." (You never know who is going to be in the audience. It could be my big break.)
I am on my lunch break. Might leave some fliers in Subway. For my gig.
I am asking my parents for £££.

Music is my life. 
Fuck.  

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'Jeezlouise'. 
What do you recommend this rigmarole do?

Change jobs?
Upload some content to YouTube?
Please offer only your most sage and constructive advice and please, for the love of God, no internet trollers.

xx
(2 kisses.)

30_SOMETHING: VOTING

(30_SOMETHING is an emotional new feature where we examine our situation as self aware adults IRL.)

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From what I understand there are several ways to change the world, ranging from sending a strongly worded email to your local MP to detonating a nuclear device in the modern urban environment [via Call of Duty: Modern Warfare]. In the middle of these 2 extremes is casting your vote in the upcoming election. 

How would y'all rate the probability of y'all voting in the upcoming election, where 1 is 'no effing way' and 10 is 'defo because we're all in this together'?

The average iamawaitingyourereading reader is self aware enough to score between 1 and 3. This is really great news. Unfortunately, casting your vote has become synonymous with Bikram Yoga / gluten free flapjacks in that you're simply trying too hard to curate your personal brand :-[

"We must remain sceptical,
of all political parties.
The best way to solve a problem is to ignore it." - A delicate Haiku / call to arms © 2015

Q&A
What would convince you to vote?
a) Legal requirement [via oppressive South American legislation]?
b) Money? (£5 for your vote. £10 bonus for signing up a friend.)
c) Battle Royale / Hunger Games style deathmatch between political parties?
d) 1 months free council tax?
e) Tangible results?
f) Marvel Vs Labour Vs Conservative crossover?
(The correct answer is b) Money. Check your answer to see how you scored.)
Should there be an age limit (40+) on voting as The Kids clearly don't understand the situation?
Is voting the illusion of choice?
Should both political parties admit that they're 'basically the same thing' and agree to disagree?

Y'all. Our opportunity to make a serious diff is now; we must march on parliament demanding £20 an hour minimum wage, free 4G mobile internets, immediate abolishment of outrageous torrent site blocks, basic human rights / multiple MP3 downloads, no schools, 3 day working week, no builders, no wind, and simultaneous releases on console and PC. We must also have our travel costs to get to London reimbursed within 30 days. 

x
(1 kiss.)

UNDERSTANDING THE TEACHER STRIKE

Y'all. It's that time of year when lazy treefrog public sector workers need to keep things casual. That TV series / DIY home improvement project / GTA V isn't going to finish itself, y'all. We must show delicate compassion; respecting their decision and taking our children to the cinema / bowling / lunch at a moderately priced & child-friendly restaurant. 
We only have one life. Would you waste it 'teaching utter BS to stupid little snots'? 

As savvy 20 - 30 somethings living in the modern urban environment, most of that noise doesn't concern us. Although we must always pursue the opportunity to 'cum' we must also 'make fucking sure' that mess ends up crashing against some form of contraceptive device. (Obviously - the condom, the coil, the pill, the arm implant / amazing vagina combo, or 'pulling out at the last second' / napkin combo.) 
So how does the teacher strike situation effect us / what the eff does it mean?
Continuing with our 2013 campaign to encourage understanding, we read 1 - 2 paragraphs of this BBC story and then we move on to the next meme.

"Thousands of schools are closed across much of England as teachers strike over pay, pensions and jobs." - BBC

Seems like at least 100% of teacher strikes are about ^^^ this.

Feeling sort of, "Meh," about the situation.

Feel that The Man / government and the teachers should just agree to disagree and move on.

Q&A

How far did you get through the BBC news story? (I only did a paragraph and then skimmed through. I am feeling :-) happyface because I am learning about the world / making a difference in the world.)

What is the coil?

Have you ever 'gone bareback' then worried for days / weeks after about 'pre-cum' situations? 

I left a comment saying, "Eff the Labour Party! Eff social reform situations!" What hateful nonsense did you say?

Is working for the public sector 'an amazing effing win' as you can take loads of time off illegally/ legally?

YOU AND YOUR ETERNAL SITUATION

Y'all. 

Yesterday was really windy so I 'worked from home'. Y'all know the score - browsing torrent sites, social networking, posting selfies, and other equally important 1st World situations.

Unfortunately, I didn't get much work done, but then there's always tomorrow. But what about when there is no tomorrow?

!

:-O amazed-face.

From what I understand, I will 1 day die :-( sadface. All of the content which makes me, 'me' will come to an end (other than the memes which I leave behind on the internet, which will of course be around forever - and children - which are the biological ambassadors / torchbearers of you and your situation.)

As y'all know, I have sooo many demands on my time, so I cannot spare any time to dedicate myself to BS time-sinks like religion. 

Need results NOW.

Cannot be effed to invest time in longterm fruityloop hobbies like Christianity / 1 of the several Brown Religions.

Q&A

Do any of y'all know wtf happens to us after we 'pass away'?

Unfortunately, I have not researched the issue, but I would guess that the following eventualities are possible - listed from 'best' to 'worst case' scenario:

a) Heaven: A stable highspeed broadband connection, <3 love, animals, MP3s, paid sick days, HD movies, and an open bar for y'all and y'alls friends? 

b) Purgatory: Loads of grey and beige, data capped broadband / 'fair usage' policy, platonic spooning, eating pasty slop food like Robocop policeman?

c) Nothing: _____.

d) Poland: 24/7 mandatory turnip parties?

e) Hell: Dial up internet connection on a 'piece of shit' AMD K6 desktop PC which has sooo many spywares (and also there are rivers of fire (and torture))?  

Does anyone know of any churches which offer free wireless network connections?
Does anyone know if, in addition to protecting Caucasians, God also welcomed dinosaurs into the afterlife? (This seems like a very irresponsible and potentially volatile situation if it is true, which could deteriorate at a moments notice, creating a public relations nightmare similar to the major motion picture - Jurassic Park.)  

Does anyone know why so many religious men play sillybuggers with children / play Jack Johnson MP3s on crappy nylon string acoustic guitars brought from eBay?

Sooo many unanswered questions about #religion.
Defo need to become more religious for the 3rd and 4th quarters of 2013.

At the start of this post I was feeling very scared about the future and my eternal situation, but now I'm feeling okay about everything :-) happyface. 

Might just repent all my sins at the end (of #life) and hope for the best.

Good luck out there, everyone.
"God bless all of y'all."

<3 (heart symbol.)

YOU'RE WORLD - I AM A FIRE DANCER

As you're no doubt aware, the internet is primarailly used for 3 purposes:

1) Illegally downloading MP3s.
2) Providing the opportunity to 'cum'. 
3) Cyberbullying / Cyber-terrorism. 

Obvs, you don't need me to tell you this.
Last week the dedicated iam___ team and I decided it was time to 'give something back' and proposed a controversial 4th use for the internet:

4) Helping people.

The feedback was 'overwhelming' and we received literally hundreds of emails from anonymous brothers and sisters needing our collective advice.

You may remember this anon who was having issues completing his screenplay?
Well, we have another anon needing our assistance. Let's see if we can't advise this sister out, hmmm?

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I AM A FIRE DANCER

I have always been an extrovert. 
I am creative. I also enjoy performing for people, which is probably down to the lessons I learned backbacking across India / Thailand. 
I know that it is a cliché - but I genuinely feel that I found myself.

I wear a T, which is ambiguous. Loose-fitting and baggy trousers.
My hair is red and frames my boot-like face in dreadlocks. 
(The curtains do not match the drapes.)
I refuse to be defined by trends and fashion. 
I am just me being 'me'.
Like it or lump it.

On my travels, I learned the sacred mystery of Fire Dancing. 
(It blends the excitement of 'fire' with the sacred mystery of 'dance'.) 
I like to perform in parks / seafront situation / pubs which offer discounts to students / any prominent public place where I can share my talent with others.
Although I am currently 'not very good' I practice at least once a week - especially when the sun is out and I can be seen by as many people as possible.
For example, tomorrow I will be heading to the local park to dance the dance of life. I do not ask for tips; just your time, and your wonder. (I will accept tips because I am heavily in debt.) Will you come and see me? 
Anyway, that is 'me'. 
Onto my problem:

I am starting to think that people do not like my art, nor me.
I do not know for why.

I am outgoing but I am also mysterious. 

What I really want is for the audience to 'get' my performance. 

I play music as I practice / perform.
I have a speaker that I brought from the Argos Value range of quality products. I play an eclectic mix of cutting edge European dance music from the legendary discothèques of Poland. Also, the Bob Marley and some panpipe / bongo stuff.

What can I do?

- I am unsure. iam____

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'Fuck'. 
That's a real sticky wicket. 
What can we do to help this broad out? All suggestions are welcome but please be constructive. 

Personally, I'm going to think long and hard about this one.

What do you think is harder; managing the potential risks of fire or learning to dance?
If you were about to die would you rather be able to build a fire or build a choreographed dance routine?
Is there room for both in today's modern world?

Reply using words. Stay black.
<3 heart symbol. 

RELIGION VS SCIENCE

Seems like it’s pretty legit to cyberbully / bully / point and laugh at any nig who’s ‘into’ religion. 

From what I understand, thousands of years ago it was pretty kewl to be into religion and cyberbully / bully / ‘murder’ any nig who was ‘into’ science.

Sort of feel like the hunter has become the hunted and the whole situation has been reversed. The persecution that religious niggas inflicted upon the science kids back in the day is now the other way round, and the science kids are persecuting the religious niggas.

Seems like there's a lot of metaphorical 'caps going into asses' (aka gang violence).

IDK whether to:

• Try to escalate the situation.
• Try to calm the situation.
• Become a member of #teamreligion.
• Become a member of #teamscience.
• Try to support my local church (with a charity skydive).
• Try to destroy my local church (with science ((with a nuclear weapon)).

FEELING SO #CONFUSED :-( SADFACE.

There are so many Pages promoting the science and ‘making fun’ of the religion on the Facebawks that my News Feed creaks under the weight. 

It is easy to look at the situation and think, "Fuck."

Maybe it’s because the majority of the Cool Kids are ‘into’ science and education and stuff? It’s like a mob mentality?

“Diversity is destroying us. We (as a species) must all agree on a subject as one and then brutally 'stamp out' any conflicting opinions.” - Some Jerkoff

If YOU met someone and they said that they were into Jesus would YOU sort of feel as though they were ‘a fucking asshole’?

If they were a man, I would think that they were a sexual predator or had been ‘touched’.

If they were a woman, I would think that they were from a strict, patriarchal household where the parents love was dished out only as a reward for achieving correct grades at school. She would be plain to look at, but you would sort of think that she would go ‘completely crazy’ in the bedroom (during sex). She would probably like mail-order clothing and probably enjoy drinking alcohopops (the Smirnoff Ice, the Reef, the WKDside) as it would ‘free her’ and mentally carry her away from a mundane life in the Midlands to a life of dizzy excitement in Las Vegas (because of the bright colours and sugar content).

We digress.

So, sort of feel like it’s now ‘acceptable’ to metaphorically ‘look down’ on people who are into Jesus and the Magical Jew God. 

“Why can we not just get along?
Why can we not just agree to disagree?
(But secretly know that we are right,
and that the other person is a ‘stupidhead?)’” – An Appeal for Compassion and Understanding on Earth

From what I understand, when some nigga invented the world being round he was laughed at by the religious people and called ‘something hurtful’.

But now, when some nigga says, “I believe that the world was made in 7 days / Noah’s Ark situation / Mosses Vs Sea / Papa Adam & Mama Eve-broad / Brb Jesus Resurrection / etc," we all think that they are retarded. 

Can we not just all get along? :-) happyface. 

Do you know anyone who's 'into' religion?

Is there something 'very queer' about them?

Is it problematic to sleep with some religious broad, as you're always going to be in direct competition with Papa G and probs won't measure up?

Was the world made in 7 days - or is that probs not true?

I think that the only good thing that has come from religion is the nun costumes and the light bondage accessories in Ann Summers, but what do YOU think?

I think that the only good thing that has come from science is Internets, but what do YOU think?

<3 heart symbol.

YOU'RE WORLD - I REALLY NEED TO FINISH MY SCREENPLAY

Sup, nigs.
The moar things change, the moar they stay the same, right?
Yeah, man. You're telling me.

Anyways, you may remember this post about helping fellow anons out. Well, we have a situation to remedy.

Welcome to YOU'RE WORLD.

In our first YOU'RE WORLD, anonymous tells us his situation. 

Let's see if we can't help this nigga out, hmmm?

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I REALLY NEED TO FINISH MY SCREENPLAY

Falling behind. 
I go to the local chain coffee shop. I order the usual. I sit in the window, where I can people watch - but importantly - also BE watched. (I am wearing some vintage clothes, but also some 'new shit'. I am just me being 'me'.) 
I am ready. 
To begin. 
To weave the magic of the word.
I ease my laptop open. 
1st things 1st; my name has been wrote on my coffee 'cup'. I take a photo of the coffee 'cup' with my _____ model of mobile phone. 

There are 2 options: 
1) My name is spelt correctly.
I post the photo along with, "You KNOW you drink too much coffee when THIS happens! XD." I will hope for between 3 and 8 likes (and at least 2 comments).
or
2) My name is spelt incorrectly. 
Possibly by a member of staff from a crappy European country. Of course, this country will be Poland. I post the photo along with, ">:-( angryface."

Although I feel a bit _____ because I am metaphorically falling behind with my self-imposed 500 words a day - there may very well be other, more pressing situations to attend to:
1) I may feel the need to extend / promote my social presence OTI.
I 'social network'. That is all.
2) Might be feeling 'ambiguous'.
I post vague statuses. I look through a photo gallery of an old bf / gf / bff. I think of the good times. I think of the bad times. I think of the _____ times. I listen to 6 Music.
3) Might be feeling the need to 'cum'.
I open several tabs and then I hide them behind the front one. Soft / hard porn. I have my headphones on. They do not play music, as I need to be 'alert' if some nigga comes 'sneaking up on me'. 

I go to the washroom. 
Might check my hair / general situation. 
Might take a 'selfie'.

I return to my table. (Of course, I do not like to leave my laptop unattended for extended periods of time. Although it is insured 'away from home' and 'all my important shit' is backed up, it is mostly just the aggro of replacing it that I cannot be effed with. Obvs, I am non-violent, but I would seriously concider 'popping a cap in the dome' if some random tried to steal my shit. Do not even want to talk (type) about it tbh.)

I stay for 2 hours. 
In that time I order between 2 and 4 cups of _____. (Maybe an overpriced snack.)

Falling behind. 
With the screenplay, I means.
I go home.


- I am anonymous. iam___

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What can WE do to help this anon out?
What do YOU suggest? (Remember, we're all friends with substantial online social presences here - so 'no one get's left behind'.)

Provide your most astute and socially-aware suggestions 'in the comments'.
The winner will receive +1 to his or her internets.


xx (2 kisses.)