LERN 2 INTERNET: IS PIRACY WRONG OR LOL?

I would rather die then watch a downloaded movie or listen to a copied album. That is all.

Actually I don't give a damn because I'm such a damn rad bro, which is just as well otherwise this would be a pretty short post. Let's be real about it - everyone has pirated something or other. People who swear by buying their favourite artists CDs will illegally stream a TV show. People who buy DVD boxsets wont think twice about illegally downloading a whole artists back catalogue. Your parents used to illegally record crap on their VHS players. Even Granny Sadsack and Papa Shrew have lent a book to a friend. We're all pirates. But are we all wrong?

As always, I pride myself on being not very well informed about the specifics or legality of a subject. I just humbly offer you my amazingly insightful insights and some nutritious lols. I also try and shoehorn in jokes about willys, breasts, and some pop culture references.

Here are 5 willys, 2 breasts, and 1 pop culture reference.

In this case though, does anyone even understand what the facts are? What exactly are the cyber police policing? Uploading? Downloading? Streaming? Fair Use Violations? Fuck noes. Does anyone even know someone - directly know someone, not a friend of a friend - who's even gotten themselves into trouble for pirating stuff? No, me neither. These are some seriously serious business questions and together we will explore the arguments for and against. And similarly to when your dad phoned you up drunk at 4am and told you that the day he pretended he was proud of the Most Policies Sold certificate that you were awarded by the call centre was in actuality the saddest day of his life, the truth will come out.

If the cyber police are reading this, I want you to know that I have never, ever downloaded anything in my life and it was all my flatmate.


1) "BUT I PAID FOR X SO ITS OKAY FOR ME TO PIRATE Y"

This is the backbone of many a pirates argument. Last week I watched the major motion picture The Terminator and then I wanted to watch Terminator 2: Judgement Day. Naturally. But I couldn't do that because my copy of the DVD is at my parents house. Disaster. It's also not available to download on Sky Anytime. I've paid for it, so I should be able to download that film from somewhere and watch it, yes? Well, in actual fact, no. The Man sees that as stealing.

I bet The Man sees this as stealing too, even though
 he ain't done nothing! Monsters!

My understanding of the bulk of piracy lawsuits is that it's the making a copy, which will get you into trouble with the FBI or whatnot. The few times that someone has been successfully prosecuted for copywrite violations have been when that someone's uploaded something. So, what do? Yes, you can tell your torrent program to throttle your upload capacity, but then you'll be so far down the list of peers that you'll never get to see if there's any actual quality boobage in Black Swan. (There wasn't. Actual ballache). But if you've already brought a license for a film or whatever, then why can't you watch that sonofabitch whenever you want to? Now I'll never know if Arnold Schwarzenegger says, "I'll be back" in Terminator 2, unless I go to my stupid parents stupid house.

The other flavour of this argument normally tastes like this. This guy who totally wasn't me went to the cinema with some friends to go see the major motion picture Prometheus. Now this guy (we'll call him, Butch Tomahawk. He's really handsome and cool) had to pay £10.50 to get a ticket, £1 for the stoopid 3D glasses, but - don't worry - because he totally saved money on the Odeon Combo Deal, where a popcorn and a coke are only £7.50. Amazing savings are amazing. My maths isn't great but that's nearly £20 just to go to the cinema. Now Butch was really chilled out about this (he's really laid back and cool, ladies) and figured it sort of breaks even on a long enough timeline because he streamed the last 2 seasons of Game of Thrones for free.

This guy's legit.

Other variations include:

• "Well, I brought their first album, so I'm pirating this one."
• "Well, I went to see them live once, so I'm downloading all their stuff."
• "Well, I paid for the content on VHS or some other format, so I'm pirating a digital copy."
• (Butch even reckons that he's justified in pirating stuff because he thinks that council tax is too high. What a maverick!)

The running theme here is this sense of entitlement. I want this. I deserve this. It's wrong, but tbh, fairplay to the unwashed masses on this one. We all work damn hard for our money and it doesn't go very far. So if there's a wealth of free media just a click away, get your grubby little paws all over it. Just don't waste your time on Black Swan, okay? PROTIP: Natalie Portman is far more slutty in that Closer film.


2) "BUT WHAT ABOUT THE EXCITING NEW BANDS?!!!1"

Fuck them. Do we really, really need moar stupid bands? I think after Grace, Jeff Buckly pretty much /thread on music. True story. I don't care about exciting new bands who pretty much all sound the same and all look the same and are all pretty much shit.

An actual Cool New Band or a generic stock photo of
an imaginary Cool New Band? Who knows.

I feel bad for them, truly. Some are fantastic, genuinely talented, and passionate like a poem between lovers. And in another time and another place they would've blown up. But these days exciting new bands are everywhere. I draw retarded-looking cartoon animals on boxes for a living. I'm the only one who does this in the street that I trade out of. Business is good. Now imagine if that street had like 20 other jerkoffs all drawing retarded-looking cartoon animals on boxes. It's a finite market. There're only so many drawing's of retarded-looking cartoon animals on boxes that customers need.

Or look at it this way - if you knew that you'd be spending days and days working on something that your customers could steal right off the internets in less time then it's taken you to read this sentence, then you need to rethink the viability of your trade. The light at the end of the tunnel for musicians came with live shows. But I'm sure that I read somewhere that ticket revenues are down on previous years. There's just too much music. And when the bulk of it sounds like variations on a theme, then it's even harder to be heard. I think that all the bands just need to STFU and be put in cages to fight to the death like a cockfight. Like a Pokemon battle, but with weapons and stuff. I'd pay for a ticket to go and see that gig.

"$20 on the skinny crybaby with the sadface,
shiny hair, and tight jeans!"

Obviously, my friends who're in bands are an exception to this and I have the utmost belief, love, and respect for them. Genuinely.


3) IF YOU PAY NOTHING FOR SOMETHING THEN IT HAS NO VALUE

This is a heavy concept but bear with me. Cast your mind back to that feel when you were a kid and you had to save up to buy a CD or a video. I remember I saved up for this animated Street Fighter 2 film on VHS. I remember it well because my dad had to double-park outside Woolworths and we had a big row about it, but far moar importantly, Chun Li got her breasts out in some shower scene. I mean, they were cartoon breasts - but any port in a storm, amirite? I also saved up to buy a George Michael tape (I didn't have a lot of sex at high school). Anyways, I played both of those to death, man. I played that album Older so much that the tape warped towards the end and started playing the track on the other side.

Fast forward a decade. I know people who have gigabytes of music figuratively gathering digital-dust on external harddrives. Half of it never even gets played. The other half is skimmed through. Because you didn't have to pay for it. And because your only investment in it is the time you spent setting up the links or the torrent or whatever, it has no value to you. What do you care if the content is weak and you didn't get your moneys worth? It didn't cost you anything.

"I'm here to download everything and fuck bitches.
And I'm all out of bandwidth."

4) YOU WOULDN'T STEAL FROM A SHOP (BUT YOU TOTALLY WOULD)

What if this shop has absolutely everything you wanted, no walls, no tills, no security, and they delivered? This shop is called, 'internet' (they've got a really thorough adult section too).

That whole thing at the start of older DVDs about, 'you wouldn't steal a handbag, you wouldn't steal a car, etc' - no, you wouldn't do that, because you'd get lynched for the handbag and arrested for the car.

"How do I download a car?"

But It seems as though downloading stuff is pretty much under the radar - as long as you don't go bonkers with it. I have friends who agonise over proxies, p2p blocklists, and private trackers. But then I have other friends to whom the thought of masking their traffic doesn't even cross their mind. They just do whatever the hell they want like Fred Durst, if Fred Durst was all about downloading Family Guy and not all about being the most positive role model for strong, white males the world over.

I wonder what it's truly like to be the bad man,
to be the sad man, Behind Blue Eyes.

5) THE CONTENT DISTRIBUTORS ARE ALL HITLER Q__Q

In my adult life, I've brought 5 copies of Alien. 1 on VHS, 3 on DVD (I lost some), 1 in a boxset, and 1 special edition version in another boxset. That's about 4 too many. By the holy tears of Princess Diana, why am I paying for the same content 5 times? And that's not even the half of it. If you want to download a copy for your phone - pay up. If you want to watch it overseas, you'll need a DVD coded for that region - pay up. We're currently being force-fed Blue Ray, like a kitten getting a thermometer shoved up its bumbum, and I'm like, 'just leave it alone, it's had enough! There's no more room!'

"Grab the cat, I want to listen to that Nirvana boxset."

In a few years it'll be 3D versions. After that, it'll be something where they just copy it directly into your brain like the Matrix or something. I don't know, I'm not a scientist. I don't know any other industry that can get away with selling the exact same content over and over again, other than the entertainment industry.

How many different boxsets, special editions, rare versions, or singles collections have popular musicians released? It's just the exact same situations repackaged and bundled with a bonus track or B-Side ad infinitum. And it's my limited understanding of it that it's not even the artists themselves who're doing it - it's these shady, suited, serious business guys in the background in boardrooms and stuff who are just milking us dry, until our tuts yield only dust.

There are 100 million CDs here.
But only 50 songs.

This is why the bulk of us pirate stuff - because we're sick of paying over and over again.

And when you do buy original content, it's prohibitively expensive. £20 for a trip to the cinema? £50 for a new game for your Ecksbawks or PS3? £30+ for some superduper music boxset, with all the singles evar, a poster, a pin page, a really edgy book of the bass players poetry, and a limited edition photo (maybe in Sepia and stuff)? I got suckered into that one back in the day when I brought a Die Hard boxset with a limited edition film still. Imagine my antilols when I saw the same set around a friends house and the still was exactly the Goddamn same. It's almost like the entertainment industry was taking advantage of me! I digress, the internet offers a much more tempting price for all this content - this price is £0.


CONCLUSION:

Whichever way you look at it, piracy is wrong. It's stealing. Now I'm sure none of us are losing sleep over Chris Martin and Paltrow running out of gold for their Extreme Gold Bar Jenga tournaments with Jay Z and Beyonce, or Jay Kay running out of champane for his champane powered Lamborghini, or Prince William running out of money to keep Kate Middleton in his life - but it does effect up and coming artists and content creators.

Okay, William doesn't do anything, but
would she be with him if he worked at PC World?

But in someways it's levelled the playing field between new artists and established acts. They just have to be creative. Grassroots marketing and viral campains are so successful that it's gone full circle and even conglomerate businesses are copying this promotional strategy. Who could possibly forget this incredibly underground and authentic promotion for the PSP from a fan with absolutely no ties to Sony whatsoever absolutely whatsoever?

Even though the internet united with one voice for one magical moment in time and said, "I'm not sure if this is legit" upon seeing that video - it still got the word out. So was the ad campaign a success or a failure? I think I may be giving Sony too much credit here - that they purposely released that video to get busted, but maybe. Like an ad within an ad within and ad. An Adception, if you will. But maybe.

These days you can just lock yourself away from the world and become a one man music label with just a laptop, a dream, and a bit of talent. You can record everything (probably on pirated software, amirite?), build your fanbase, promote yourself, organise a tour, and sell your content directly to your fans. If you buy a fancy pants HD camera from Prince William at PC World then you can create and film your own movie. If you're a hawt girl, people might even buy your content if you deliver unto them nutritious noodz. People can write books, then completely bypass all the dicking around with agents and publishers, and just sell that Cat: Legend of the Feline book they've been working on in their basement directly via Amazon.

We're all big boys and girls. If you're pirating stuff then it's stealing. You can debate as eloquently as you like that it's not, but it is theft. This truly is the golden age of getting something for nothing. Be careful. But just enjoy it, people.

Sooner or later The Man will figure out how to end the party.

i am awaiting you're reading is honoured to promote a touching true story - Cat: Legend of the Feline.

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- "Probably the most powerful thing I have ever read. It's a real page-turner. I am amaze."  - CATGURL68

- "This is suitable for autistic children and adults with learning difficulties." - Potato_Counter_Potato

- "What is this I don't even." - supermariobro_16

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- "This guy gets it, man. He really gets it." - Bunty_LOL

LIU WANG AND CASE OF THE MISSING MILLIONS

--- ( CASE CLOSED. WIN? FAIL? FIND OUT AT THE BOTTOM ) ---

LIU WANG AND CASE OF THE MISSING MILLIONS

--- ( Gollygosh, this is my lucky day! Mysterious serious business man Liu Wang has chosen me out of the dozens of people using the internet to be his serious business partner. I haven't read most of what he sent me because Liu deploys some pretty impressive walls of text. I think the gist of it, is that some dude has died and he wants to leave me $1.5 billion Taiwanese New Dollars. I thought the conversion rate of all the TND in the universe would be, like, 68p - but I needn't have been so cynical as it equates to $44.5 million USD! Fucking win! "What is to be done", he asks? Lets find out... ) ---

--- ( ! WARNING ! Liu has learnt all the English words ever and is using them all at once in a kind of literary Shock and Awe campaign. ! TL;DR ! ) ---

Hello,

Thank you very much for your mail. I am Mr. Liu Wang, bank officer with the International bank of Taipei, Taiwan. Let me give you a detailed description of what is in this transaction for us. In June 2003, My late client Muhannad Al-Hakim, an Iraqi Crude oil merchant made a numbered fixed deposit of One Billion Five hundred Million Taiwanese New Dollars ($1,500,000,000.00 Taiwanese New Dollars) for 18 calendar months, this is valued to Forty Four million Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars ($44.5 Million United States Dollars) only in my branch. Upon maturity several notices were sent to him, even during the war (U.S and Iraqi war), Seven years ago (2004). Again after the war another notification was sent and still no response came from him. We later found out that Muhannad Al-Hakim and his family had been killed during the war in a bomb blast that hit his home at Mukaradeeb where his personal oil well was. After further investigation it was also discovered that Muhannad Al-Hakim did not declare any next of kin in his official papers including the paper work of his bank deposit. And he also confided in me the last time he was at my office that no one except me knew of his deposit in my bank. So, the Forty Four million Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars is still lying in my bank and no one will ever come forward to claim it. What bothers me most is that according to the laws of my country at the expiration of Six years Six months the funds will revert to the ownership of the Taiwan Government if nobody applies to claim the funds. Against this backdrop, we still have about two more months left for someone to come up and claim the funds as next of kin to this fund. My suggestion to you is that I will like you as a foreigner to stand as the next of kin to Muhannad Al-Hakim so that you will be able to receive his funds and for the money be pulled out from my bank and out from my country.

WHAT IS TO BE DONE? I want you to know that I have had everything planned out so that we shall come out successful. I have contacted an attorney that will prepare the necessary documents

that will back you up as the next of kin to Muhannad Al-Hakim , all that is required from you at this stage is for you to provide me with your details as below:

Full Name:

Contact Address:

Occupation:

After you have been made the next of kin, the attorney will also file in for claims on your behalf and secure the necessary approval and letter of probate in your favor for the move of the funds to an account that will be provided by you. There is no risk involved at all in this matter as we are going to adopt a legalized method and the attorney will prepare all the necessary documents. Please endeavor to observe utmost discretion in all matters concerning this issue. Once the funds have been transferred to your nominated bank account we shall share in the ratio of 60% for me, 40% for you. Should you be interested please send me your full names and current residential address.Finally after that I shall provide you with more details of this operation. Your earliest response to this letter will be appreciated.

Kind Regards,

Liu

---

Liu Wang,

the words you are speaking to me are of great interest. i am a simple Christian man (see the attached photo) and i deal with business in as transparent a way as possible. i can certainly accommodate your situation, but i must see for who it is i am dealing.

before we dance the dance please attach a photo of yourself so i know there is maximum security

yours sincerely.

Adam

The hair says retarded but the smile says retarded.

--- ( tl;dr ) ---

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your reply and your interest to help me in this transaction. I appreciate your interest in my proposal and I sincerely hope that we can work together as a team of two men in a spirit of partnership in this endeavor. Given what I have in hand and the fact that I can not run it alone as I said before, it became necessary for me to seek your assistance to partner with me.I actually got your email contact from a friend of mine who works at the Chambers of Commerce here in the Taipei (Taiwan), I went to him with the zeal of locating a possible business partner overseas who will assist me in this project but note that I did not specify the nature of this business to him due to the nature of the business,that was how i got your contact.

As I told you, I have hired the services of an attorney that will procure all necessary documentations that will back you up as the next of kin to my late client. It will be stated in the documentations that you are the only surviving distant relative.

Like I said earlier, due to this issue on my hands now, it became necessary for me to seek your assistance. I appreciate the fact that you are ready to assist me in executing this project, and I will want you also to assist me in investing my share of the funds in your country. I will do everything legally required to ensure that the project goes smoothly and it shall pass through all Laws of International Banking.

Having resolved to entrust this transaction into your hands, I want to remind you that, it needs your commitment and diligent follow up. If you work seriously, the entire transaction should be over in a couple of days.

READ THE FOLLOWING AND GET BACK TO ME:

"Purpose of Deposit: SAFE KEEPING" - moar like buying $44.5m worth 
of booze, sex, and Transformers toys. The value can only go up.

I need your total devotion and trust to see this through. I know we have not met before, but I am very confident that we will be able to establish the necessary trust that we need to execute this project.

I shall advise you on the bank I want you to open an account in which has corresponding working agreements with my bank and shall have no problems with regards to the transfer of the funds to your account there. You shall also need to open a new account in your name in your country and this must not be your existing account, the two accounts must be new accounts. The funds once transferred from my bank to your offshore account, I shall advise you on how the funds can be transferred to your account in your country using the bank's online facility. This is the best way I have found, it will protect us from my bank and the monetary body. I want us to enjoy this money in peace when we conclude. So I advise that you follow my instructions religiously.

Also you have to know that I cannot transfer this money in my name as my bank will be aware that it is from me. This is where I need you. I will not request any up front charges from you to me over-here in Taiwan. But you will be in charge of providing the minimum account opening balance that is needed to activate the offshore account. Setting up an offshore account is not expensive as I have inside knowledge, as one who has being in the banking firm for over two decade now. I will obtain a certificate of deposit from my bank and letter of administration from the Probate registry, it will be issued in your name. This will make you the bonafide owner of the funds. After this, the money will be transferred to your offshore account and then you can transfer the funds to your newly opened account in your country.

We can then instruct your bank after the money has been transferred to your newly opened account to transfer our various shares into our respective home bank accounts. I will also perfect the documentations with the assistance of my attorney to give the transaction the legal right.

Kindly provide me with a copy of your identity(driver's license or international passport). I will attach my Identity card to you after I have seen yours for your perusal and trust. Our local telephone lines could be intercepted easily, so they are not safe for this transaction. For this reason I am arranging for a more secured means of communication. Meanwhile, you can reach me via this email pending when all arrangements for the confidential phone number and fax number has been completed.

Ensure that you keep this project confidential because of the nature of this transaction and my work. Please reply soonest.

My sincere regards,

Liu Wang

--- ( Maybe he doesn't read too good. FEED ME PICS! ) ---

Liu Wang,

i am now suspicious, as i have asked you for the photo of Liu Wang and none has been forthcoming. are you the man i can trust, or an enemy of free men everywhere? my mother told me about men like you. said you'd...use me.

now i ask for your troth. reply with a photo so i can have maximum assurance.

i am awaiting youre reading

Adam

--- ( He fed me pics. ) ---

Dear Friend,

Thanks for your mail. I have just received your e-mail and the content therein is well understood by me. I want you to know that it is imperative you bear the cost of opening the offshore account, while i take care of the cost of processing the legal document that will back you as the rightful next of kin to my late client. you have to open the offshore account with a bank that i will recommend for you. It is not advisable for us to transfer the funds to your local bank account in your country from my bank here in Taiwan.

This is where I need you. I will not request any up front charges from you to me over-here in Taiwan. But you will be in charge of providing the minimum account opening balance that is needed to activate the offshore account. Setting up an offshore account is not expensive as I have inside knowledge, as one who has being in the banking firm for over two decade now. I will obtain a certificate of deposit from my bank and letter of administration from the Probate registry, it will be issued in your name. This will make you the bonafide owner of the funds. After this, the money will be transferred to your offshore account and then you can transfer the funds to your newly opened account in your country.

I want you to know that the bank that i want to recommend for you is a bank that have good service relationship with my bank for a very long time. So it will be very easy for you to use the service of the bank to transfer the funds from my bank, because both banks have enjoy business together for a very long time.

I want you to know that i have plan everything out, so i suggest you follow my instruction and let conclude this transaction without the monetary body of my bank raising eye brown. Please see attached for certificate of deposit and my family photos. Also do send me a copy of your a copy of your identity(driver's license or international passport) for my veiw.

I need your consent so that i can send you the contact details of the bank to setup the offshore account.

I look forward to your swift response to my mail.

Liu.

---

Liu Wang,

you have proven yourself a man i can trust, and for this i thank you. one has met men online before. i dont really like to talk about it - but lets just say my heart was broken and i was quite aggressively sodomised :( sadface. but enough about one. i feel it is time for another troth, dont you?

as you have shown me your family i will now show you mine. then our business can get to second base.

see the attached photo. this is my family. well, we are friends really like Friends the show. if i was in Friends i think id most likely be Rachael. let us exchange troths: 

Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Ross, Chandler,
Joey, and Ian. The whole gangs there!

1) which Friends character are you most like?

2) do you like me?

ANSWER THIS AND WE GET TO SECOND BASE AND I SEND THE PASSPORT AND DRIVING LICENSE TO YOU.

i am awaiting youre reading

Adam

--- ( How do I sent passport? ) ---

Dear Friend,

Thanks for your mail. I have just received your e-mail and the content therein is well understood by me. I want you to know that it is imperative you bear the cost of opening the offshore account, while i take care of the cost of processing the legal document that will back you as the rightful next of kin to my late client. you have to open the offshore account with a bank that i will recommend for you. It is not advisable for us to transfer the funds to your local bank account in your country from my bank here in Taiwan.

LUI. WANG. HUMAN? ALL CAPS.

--

Liu Wang,

thankee for the passport. i am going to print it and laminate it and buy internets with it because i am a cyber criminal i hope you dont mind soz. i am like Oceans 11 but i live in your modem. i think i figured out what Friends character you are - you are sooo Chandler! if you want to know for why, send me your birth certificate and at least one of your children. the birth certificate you can have back (well after i print it and laminate it and buy internets blah blah blah).

your child will stay with me.

anyways - alta la vista, baby.

--- ( CASE CLOSED )---

WIN 

Liu never did get back to me. Maybe he wore his fingers down to the knuckle tap tap tapping all of those MASSIVE FUCKING WALLS OF TEXT LERN 2 INTERNET U NOOB. If Liu Wang was paid by the word, he'd be the richest scammer in all of Nigeria. My laptop screen physically started to sag in the corners due to the volume of words Liu was filling it with. I also award Liu several +1's to his internets for taking the time with MS Paint to do that bank deposit thing. It looked very official and not at all liek a GCSE IT project. Not at all. If I were his mum I'd definitely put that pride of place on the fridge, right next to his 100 meter swimming certificate, his Love Racism - Hate Music pin badge, and his busy bollocks diploma from the university of serious business. 

Anyways, if he does send one of his kids I hope he sends the fat, happy baby because that fleece thing looks like its made of soft, cloud-like cashmere. I bet it'd make a most excellent pillow for the kitten. 

Or I could hollow it out and turn it into this!
That's what baby's are for, right?

  

SCORE: 4 / 5 HIGH 5'S

--- ( WT WE HAVE LERNED? ) ---

• Googling H from Steps came up with a whole bunch of H from Steps dead results. Go check. My research department (Terrapins) spent days confirming or denying this fact. No one on the entire planet is entirely sure.
• H's real name is Ian Watkins. Like the gaylord from Lost Prophets. Coincidence?!
• That is all.

RISKAY: SMELL YO oIo

Internet. It is provider, entertainer, teacher, and sometimes lover. Often lover. (My other half is in a different time zone :( sadface). On my travels across the internets I have seen some amazing things. Like a clean Mad Max, I roam the wastelands looking for truth, justice, and situations. Recently I came upon a treasure.

It's a song called "Smell Yo Dick". I didn't miss the "ur" off "Your", it's actually titled "Yo" *. Black people are super-duper cool. I digress.

Follow this link for at least 1 of your 5 LOLs a day. Go ahead, I'll wait. NSFW.

or

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ruef7aYCEbc

"Oh hell noes! I'm an Amazon! AN EBONY QUEEN!!!1"

This abortion comes from the pen of an amazing animal called "Riskay". Pokemon Masters say that this bloated bitch is the next evolutionary state of Queen Latifah. (Fat? Check. Black? Check. Outstanding contribution to the arts? Check. Furthermore, no one has ever seen them in the same place at the same time). Riskay is the Blastoise to Queen Latifahs Squirtle. 

One of these Pokemon makes Romantic Comedies with Steve Martin.
One of them wants to smell a dick and doesn't much care for dirty foot bitches.

This song is LOL. It's so funny I can't stop watching it. I've watched it once a day for a week now. That's more then 11 times. It's not because it's good. It's not. It's fucking dross. But what fascinates me is that no one in this video (not even the 2 sasquatch looking bad dudes at about 1.40 who do the little-raise-the-roof dance) seems to be doing it for the LOLs. This is serious business for all involved. I am amaze. Like when you drive past a badger that's been run over - you don't want to look and you feel sorry for its stinky roadkill complexion - but you look anyways because it's not everyday you see such a hairy mammal prostrated to the floor with its gut hanging out.  

There's a lot going on in this video but for God's sake pay attention to the words.

(Opening)
Nigga this the fifth teeth muthafuckin time that I called and left yo ass messages
I dun text yo bitch ass and you aint responded to nothing
What the fuck is you doin who tha fuck you out there with you think I'm stupid my girls dun already put me up on yo ass tonight night nigga when you get home I got som news foe yo bitch ass

(Chorus 2times)
Why you coming home five in the mone
Somethings going on can I smell yo dick?
Don't play me like a fool cause dat ain't cool
So what you need to do is let me smell yo dick

(Hook 1)
It's four o'clock and I'm sleepin' and it's late night and you creeping you could've told me I'm leavin' now I know you out there cheatin' why you got to do me like dat when I call you don't call me back I'm texting you now nigga where you at that's fucked up why you do me like dat

(Verse 1)
I'm dead sleep and you trickin'
In the club wit dirty foot bitches
My gurl was there she witness
She had a camera phone she took pictures
You was on the dance flo grindin'
With a stripper hoe named Diamond
You was flossin' hard you was shinning
Everything she drink you buyin' it
Fuck nigga you need to stop lien' foe I get mad and pull out my nine
You want a new bitch to fuck that's fine but don't fuck hers and try to fuck mine
You keep tellin me you ain't touch her but some keep tellin me you dun fucked her and I ain't that bitch you want to play wit nigga drop them boxers let me smell yo dick

(Chours 2times)
Why you coming home five in the mone
Somethings going on can I smell yo dick?
Don't play me like a fool cause dat ain't cool
So what you need to do is let me smell yo dick

(Unknown)
Smell my dick wait a minute hold up see that's how a bitch get her eyes swoll up and I don't give a damn what yo homegurls seen when I was in the club what the fuck you mean they ain't got no business eyein' me like dat
You ain't got no business tryin' me like dat
I wun even feelin' Diamond like dat I was wildin' but I wasn't clowin' like dat
Dat's alright dat's okay gon head believe what yo homegurl say a nigga like me drink a lot of liquor meet a lot of bitchs take a lot of pictures
I might break bread wit one or two strippers but that don't mean you got to pull my zipper
Thinking I dick down the whole town even though I got dick to go around

(Chorus 2times)
Why you coming home five in the mone
Somethings going on can I smell yo dick?
Don't play me like a fool cause dat ain't cool
So what you need to do is let me smell yo dick.

---

When these words are copy pasted directly into MS Word there's an incredible 64 spelling errors (probably more, I didn't do an exact count). The program also deleted itself straight after and my laptopotomous started to die inside. I think it wanted the pain to stop. It's also said that when these lyrics are assembled in the correct order it's like a verbal pentagram - you can summon all kinds of fail directly from the 8th Circle of Hell. If you speak these words aloud into a mirror 3 times, Riskay will appear behind you and do that waggy finger mmm mmm thing that black women do in films.

"AM I DOING IT RITE?"

She'll probably then kill you afterwards or something - I don't know I'm too scared to try. Riskay has moar not good English than some kid on his Ecksbawks.

Nigga this the fifth teeth muthafuckin time that I called and left yo ass messages
I dun text yo bitch ass and you aint responded to nothing

NIGGA DIS TEH FIFTH TEETH MOTHERFUCKIN TIEM THAT MAY CALLED + LEFT YO ASS MSGS I DUN TEXT YO BITCH ASS + YOUS AINT RESPONDD 2 NOTHIN :( SADFACE!!!1ONE

My flatmate and I have watched this train wreck religiously for days now. Not since that Cher Loyd thing, with the swaggerjaggerswaggerjagger ad infinitum, has a 4 minute piece of video played such a satisfying part in my life. Although, I watched that threesome bit with Denise Richards in Wildthings like 20 times. Fucking win. 

*  This would've been a great opportunity to do that utterly fail "[sic]" thing after a deliberate editorial error but as I'm not a serious business scientist or a PHD scientist, I chose to leave it.

--- ( WT WE HAVE LERNED? ) ---

• If you suspect someone of cheating, smell their dick to confirm or deny the validity of your suspicion. Tests are inconclusive as to whether this works if your partners a woman. 
• Thinking I dick down the whole town even though I got dick to go around. If I ever get accused of cheating I'm using this excuse. It works at least 100% of the time.
• Riskay is a fucking moron. Riskay is a champion of the LOLs.
• That is all.