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Tuesday 30 April 2013

1STWP - IS THERE ANY PLACE FOR BOOKS IN OUR MODERN WORLD?

(1STWP is a really serious feature on iam___. In it, we discuss 1st World Problems in an adult and mature way. We may learn something but probably not.)

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Really thinking that it might be time to read a 'book'.

From what I understand, lots of clevercloggs niggas read actual, physical books. 
It's important to be seen reading books but it's also important to have YOUR books on display, on a coffee table, bedside table, or old flatpack desktop PC desk. Seems like the amount of books you surround yourself with is directly proportional to your intelligence. 

I'm not sure if I should 'respect' people who read books or feel very sorry for them, as they are obvs not spending enough time OTI reading snarky Blogspots, Wikipedia synopsis' of stuff, and looking at amazing pornography. They are mismanaging their time / situation. 


"I am escaping,
to a world filled with _____.
Every effing word, 
is another footstep." - Haiku 2013 ©

Should I read an actual, physical book?
Is it like 'riding a bike' or will I have forgotten how :-? confused face?
(Probs going to start off with an ebook /. PDF thing 1st, as I'm not really sure if my wrists / upperbody strength will be able to handle a 'book' :-( sadface. Just so used to the internet these days, which as you know, can weigh as little as a mobile phone.)
Do you read books?
Should I buy the book (for display purposes) and then DL a pirated digital copy (for actual reading)?
Wtf is The Amazonian Kindle

<3 heart symbol.


Monday 29 April 2013

SORT OF FEEL BAD FOR PEOPLE WHO WORK IN OUTSOURCED CALL CENTRES

Just got off the phone from some effing sillybilly woman in the Philippines working on behalf of The Halifax bank.  
After 20 mins+ of trying to make this broad understand my exact situation, I am left feeling sort of bad for her life / situation.
'Fuck'.

Obvs, these 3rd World probs don't apply to us. We have been born with a (metaphorical) silver spoon. 
Come. Let us rejoice:




Most of the EU also has drinkable water direct from the tap. The obvious exception being Poland.

Not really sure if this hard-working call centre broad, Milet, is to blame - or if The Halifax is to blame for throwing expendable cannon-fodder to the wall?



WHO is to blame for this 'fucking shambles'?!

Halifax / miscellaneous crappy highstreet bank / customer service situation?
Members of the 3rd World for not applying themselves and learning to speak English correctly?
Should the whole world be forced to learn English and all other silly languages be outlawed?
Am I being too lenient on Milet (hard-working call centre broad) and should I demand to, "Speak with her manager / supervisor?"
Is this another symptom of the Global Economic Downturn, and are 'things' just going to get effing worse as we go 'further down the rabbit hole' looking for a solution to the Global Economic Downturn?
Why is the Philippines called 'the' Philippines? #confused.

Gtg. 
I am going to DL some nutritious torrents as compensation for the 20mins+ of my life that this broad's wasted.
Feeling really >:-( angryface at the 3rd World atm.
Feeling really /:-/ compassionate-face for these enslaved, un-self-aware savages.

Should we start an ePetition / all change our Facebook Profile Piccys to raise awareness / change the world?

Eff oppression!



xxo (2 kisses & 1 hug.)


Sunday 28 April 2013

MAJOR MOTION PICTURE - THE LAST STAND

"I thought that it was Christmas Day.
But there were no presents under the tree.
(Nor even a tree.)
Just a fresh, virginal torrent of The Last Stand." - Haiku by The Internet

From what I understand, Arnold Schwarzenegger once said, "I'll be back, niggas." ('Say what you want about him inappropriately heavy-petting / full-on sexually molesting those broads from his politics thing, but I don't really understand or care about any of that.) 
Really like his films :-) happyface.  

Sort of expected his comeback film to be either:
a) Textbook Arnie - Lots of situations blowing up, maybe some bewbs. Probs a reboot / sequel / prequel / miscellaneous cashgrab of existing franchise. 
b) Good - Probs a bit zzz. Probs not a lot of A. Shizzy actual screen time. Maybe a touching 'redemption' type major motion picture.
c) Sort of okay - Maybe like some old nig coming out of retirement for 1 last situation. Bit like The Grand Torino for Papa Clint Eastwood.
d) "It's all bullshit, all of it." - Emotional busy bollocks story about feelings / politics / miscellaneous plot which would demand as little running as poss.
e) 'Fucking bullshit.' - Something like Commander Jack Reacher for T. Cruise. (Still haven't even finished watching it. Ugh.)

I believe The Last Stand was somewhere between c) and b)
Sort of okay / good. 


Obvs, it doesn't make sense and Papa A's just sort of on 'autopilot' - but history and 'life' have taught us that things could've been a lot worse: 


Anyways, if you enjoy Papa Arnold S. you should totes watch this. Just have it playing in the background or something. 
(Not sure what / why Jonny Knoxville is in the major motion picture.)

Q&A
Does anyone understand how The Rotten Tomato website works? (Seems like their scoring system is 'fucking bullshit' :-( sadface.)
Should they reboot Conan and have Papa Arnold as an old Conan?
Should I 'sell' this idea to Hollywood?
Realistically, how much do you think I / we could get?
Really excited about this new project, niggas!

^___^ optimistic-Kawaii-Asian-face
xx (2 kisses.)


Saturday 27 April 2013

1STWP - WHY IS IT WHEN YOU ARE NOT DRINKING EVERYONE WANTS A SITUATION, HMMM?

(1STWP is an 'exciting' feature where we explore 1st World Problems. As technologically-savvy and self-aware members of the 1st World, the dangers we face can seem overwhelming at times. Together - we can cope.)

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Sort of feeling a little _____ atm.

"I am thinking I need some time,
'off the front line'.
Some R & R. (That means Rest and Relaxation.)
I need some zzz, niggas." - An ancient Haiku from WW2.



My feels are deflated and my penis is flaccid. 
From what I understand, it is important to look after yourself / your situation. 
Feeling like I need to metaphorically slow down.

Maybe I need a spa day?
Do you know of any sites like Groupon / MyVoucherCodes which offer cheap spa days?
(They will probs be a .org or .net.)
Is a spa day an effective way to 'reboot' your stale relationship - or is it an admission of complete failure and incompatibility and time to euthanise your stale relationship?

The thing is, my nigs - as soon as you decide to have a quiet couple of nights in every Tom, Dick, and Harry comes out of the woodwork and wants a situation. 

Going to have to learn to say, "NO!" 
Going to have to take a stand. (Metaphor.) 
Going to have to draw the line. (Metaphor.)
Going to have to 'pretend that I left my phone in my coat pocket, which was downstairs, which was why I missed your call.' (Lie.)

Today has been brought to you by 1st World Problems.
(I'm also really interested in platonic spooning atm. If anyone fancies some platonic spooning - I have a bed, a cat, and some MP3s of soothing Amazon rainforest noises.)

x (1 kiss.)


Friday 26 April 2013

REALLY EFFING ROYAL - KATE MIDDLETON

Sup, niggas.
?

Let's get down to business, hmmm?
Recently, Kate Middleton has been having Grade A pissypants over those nutritious photos of her 'showing the goods' last year. (Sort of feel that the royal family needs to LERN 2 INTERNET and let bygones be bygones to avoid a potential Streisand Effect - but maybe that's a situation for another day.) Anyways, I started thinking about our brothers and sisters in the USA and Canada. 
Obvs, on our 'side of the pond' we're familiar with our Royal Family and their disgusting adventures but you're probs wondering, "Who the eff is this broad?"

To this end, the dedicated iam___ team and I have created an 'exciting' new feature called REALLY EFFING ROYAL

Just want to help our readers overseas understand the situation and - as always - become more self-aware (and also provoke traffic, due to edgy content and Old Media baiting posts. Wish me luck, niggas :-) happyface.)

Let's start off with Kate Middleton, hmmm?



  • K. Middy is the Duchess of Cambridge and wife of turtle-headed dandy Prince William, Duke of Cambridge.
  • From what I understand, she is 'redonkulous pretty' but in a very natural and approachable way. (Pretty sure that if Papa Willy was Assistant Manager at PC World, and not royalty, they probs wouldn't be together - but that, too, is a situation for another day.) 
  • Women want to BE her and men want to _____ her. (Sex.)


Anways, last year her 'Chelsea Buns' were photographed by some sonofabitch / pervert and splashed all over the papers / internets. 
People went 'fucking mental' :-O amazedface. 
England was split into 3:
1) Niggas who thought, "I enjoy this situation."
2) Niggas who thought, "I condemn this situation."
3) Niggas who thought, "Breasts are always welcome. Y'all need to chill the eff out."

From what I understand, KK. Middy has decided to persue the French photographer through the legal system and utterly destroy him / his situation. Reaslistically, all this is doing is dragging her (and her 'Yorkshire Puddings') back through the headlines.

Kate, if you're reading, don't stoop to their level! It's what they want.
You're so much better than that - and will be Queen Bee one day.
#stayclassykate.

I'll let you know how this situation develops, my nigs. Could be exciting opportunities to 'cum' but also opportunities to ride the Lollercoaster.

Now, let's have a brief Q & A, hmmm?
Should I spice up the title of this post and call it something confrontational like, THE QUEEN IS DEAD (EMBARRASSED) or ROYAL CRUMPET NSFW?
Is it more important to YOU to 'cum' or to LOL? (Sometimes, I'm not sure what's more important to me :-? confusedface.)
Should I 'make myself available' to the Royal Family in a purely advisory role - suggesting ways for them to manage internet cyberbulling / minimise drama OTI / basic internet 101 / advanced 1337 LERN 2 INTERNET skills?
Sort of like a digital Knight of the Realm?
Realistically, would I make the situation worse?
Do you remember Baldur's Gate II?

Did you think that Katy M's bewbs were:
a) Okay?
b) Nice size, but a bit too 'hangy' for my tastes?
c) "They are the Crown Jewels (I am LOLing out loud)." - Reporter?
d) Average?
e) "They are to Di for." - Insensitive Reporter exploiting Princess Diana meme?
f) _____?

#stayclassykate.
Our thoughts are with you, in this, your darkest hour.



Thursday 25 April 2013

YOU'RE WORLD - I AM A CHARITY FUNDRAISER

(YOU'RE WORLD is an 'amazing' feature where anons get to tell fellow anons their situation. Let's see who needs our assistance this week, hmmm?)

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I AM A CHARITY FUNDRAISER




Charity Beggar.
Charity Mugger.
Scrounger. 
Swampy.
'Fucking Asshole'.
Ugh.
I have been called it all this week. I am not sure if I can go on (with life). 

I have recently started an exciting new career in Charity Fundraising. 
Basically, I stand in a busy street and ask / guilt people into signing up for £5 - £10 a month (or whatever you can afford).
I am not paid an hourly wage, so my income is purely commission based. I am not sure if I can go on (with my 'career').

I have always been interested in helping those less fortunate / Caucasian / self-aware than me. Primarily, I am interested in the children with the little pot-bellies and the flies in the eyes. These children live in some of the worse conditions imaginable :-( sadface. Do you have a couple of minutes to spare so that I can tell you all about it?



  • No food.
  • No drinking water.
  • No wireless internets. (Not even 'E'.)
  • Africa, Darfur, Sudan, and of course - Poland.


The first couple of shifts I still 'fucking believed'.
Believed I was making a diff / making the world a more :-) place / making my parents proud.
I guess this is my problem - a problem that I desperately need help resolving.

I no longer chuffing care about charity. 

Little by little, signature by signature, it became less about charitable donations and more about doing whatever the eff it takes to get that signature / card number (long one across the middle) / 8 digit account number / 6 digit sort code / and secret security situation number (3 numbers on the back, nigga). 

I have lied. 
I have harassed. 
I am basically a 'prostitute' (but with a clipboard and plush soft toy free gift situation).

I am not sure if I can go on (with my 'career' / life).

I am ashamed. iam___

-----

'Jeezlouise'. 
What do you recommend this anon should do?

Change jobs?
Get some R E S P E C T (find out what it means to ME)?
Commit to social change (get 'back to where it all began')?
Commit virtual suicide (deactivate Facebawks account)?
Commit actual suicide (:'-( sadface-with-tear)?
Try to get a refund of 'effing worthless' degree (Media, Marine Biology, Sociology, Music Performance, Music Production, Music _____, Art, Art History, History History, French)?

Exciting new money making venture?

a) Killing spree (Grand Theft Auto IV 5)?
b) Illegal Cock-fighting situation (Pokeman)?  
c) 'Stacking shelves in Tesco' (Tetris)?

It is NEVER too late to change.
Whoever gives the most savvy and emotionally-complex advice will receive an adoption package for a Jaguar. (Your adoption pack will include a quarterly news letter, a little soft toy Jaguar nig, a pen, and a certificate. The charity is called The 9th Life Foundation (probs because cats have 9 lives.))  

xxxo (3 kisses & 1 hug.)


Wednesday 24 April 2013

IS MIST THE MOST MYSTERIOUS THING ON EARTH?

Sup, niggas?
(That question is rhetorical.) 

As you know, I'm constantly trying to become more self-aware and promote my situation (both OTI and IRL / AFK). I'm really interested in a number of things - like charity / politics / feelings / and trying to get into the new season of Life is a Game of Thrones.

Recently I've been spending some time AFK and exploring the outside world. 
'It is a jungle out there'.

"Imagine a game,
which is so life-like it is 'fucking mental'.
You win the game, just by playing.
This game is called 'Life.'" A devastatingly powerful Haiku © 2013

Sort of feel like there is nothing more mysterious than mist. 

It can take the most basic situation and turn it into a situation where you would genuinely fear for your life.



From what I understand, even the most basic of tasks - like 'popping to the corner shop' / walking / sex in public places (spicing up doomed relationship) / topping up pay as you go gas card or mobile phone situation (if you are poor) can all have an undercurrent of menace if you throw mist into the mix.

Does anyone know what mist actually is?
Is it something to do with rain / humidity?
Does anyone even use pay as you go mobile phones anymore?
Do you know a person (or are you a person) who has to eff around with a pay as you go utility service, like gas or electricity?
Does that person (or you) feel like a 'teenage dirtbag'?

Please, everyone - be careful out there.
Try to avoid strangers / people you do not like the look of.

Today has been brought to you by MIST.
<3 heart symbol


Tuesday 23 April 2013

MAJOR MOTION PICTURE - JACK REACHER

I'm just watching the major motion picture, Jack Reacher starring Tom Cruise atm. 
Sort of feel that this movie is 'textbook' Cruise.
Sort of feel that this movie is more than just that though. 
I believe that it is a cry for help.

Obvs, I do not know Papa Cruise - but if I had to guess I would say that this film is 100% how he sees himself IRL.

#worried.

I'm worried that T. Cruise is living in a 'fucking dreamworld' where he is some kind of living weapon / brainy clever clogs nigga / womaniser / kung fu monster / bad dude mofo / outlaw G. 
(^^^ Many of these aspirations are similar to a 12 year old boys understanding of the world.)

Sort of feel like T. Cruise is some kind of sad, Peter Pan type character.
He's the 'boy that never grew up'.




Whereas most 12 year old boys 'grow up' and realise that they probs won't manage to secure a job as an assassin or international space marine, eventually settling down with a plain wife and a steady job in a 'fucking bullshit' industry like retail or customer service, T. Cruise probs has enough £££ to do whatever the eff he wants.
I believe that his career lets him vicariously live a life of fantasy, adventure, and casual 'murder' on the big screen; allowing him to leave behind his worries - like being a single parent, cyberbulling from the media, and push-ups.
I believe that this is down to him 'having mad bank' and also him having no one around to say, "Tom. Just chill out, nigga. You're losing it."
Sort of respect his dedication to chasing his dream to such great heights.
Sort of worry about his overall mental health and 'grip on reality'.

Shame on you, Tom.


At 1 point, he wins a 1 v 5 fight. 
At 1 point, he gets his dome smashed up by a baseball bat but seems pretty relaxed about the whole situation.
At 1 point, he moves faster than some bad guy can pull the trigger (gun).
In addition - he is an expert at solving crime / every woman in the film gives him her 'sexy face' / he is compassionate / he is a 'murderer' / he has no possessions / has numerous mad skills / is a nomad / is wealthy / is _____.
Seems legit.

Do you think hanging out with Papa Cruise for the day would be:

a) Excellent. Chilling with A List celebs and getting lots of respect. Probs get to 'cum' with hawt starlets looking for a break and you'd all hang out in Miami?
b) Good. Lots of perks but you'd probs have to watch your mouth and agree with everything T. says, even if it's 'insane' or 'boring zzz'?
c) Okay. Bit confusing. Bit demoralising, as no one would talk to you and everyone would talk to Tom Cruise :-( sadface? (Probs play Nintendo Wii at some point.)
d) Bad. T. Cruise would bully you and constantly undermine your situation in front of co-workers and mutual friends? (Might throw things at you :'-( sadface with tear.)
e) Effing Awful. Something to do with Scientology / babysitting his kid while he goes out without you / 'murder' / Knight and Day film?




Anyways, I hope that everyone enjoys this movie. (It's a bit like the major motion picture This Mission's Impossible but also a bit like the board game Cluedo.) <<< If you like either of those things then you'll totes <3 this film :-) happyface.

x kiss parentheses x


Monday 22 April 2013

YOU'RE WORLD - I AM A FIRE DANCER

As you're no doubt aware, the internet is primarailly used for 3 purposes:

1) Illegally downloading MP3s.

2) Providing the opportunity to 'cum'. 
3) Cyberbullying / Cyber-terrorism. 

Obvs, you don't need me to tell you this.

Last week the dedicated iam___ team and I decided it was time to 'give something back' and proposed a controversial 4th use for the internet:

4) Helping people.


The feedback was 'overwhelming' and we received literally hundreds of emails from anonymous brothers and sisters needing our collective advice.


You may remember this anon who was having issues completing his screenplay?

Well, we have another anon needing our assistance. Let's see if we can't advise this sister out, hmmm?

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I AM A FIRE DANCER




I have always been an extrovert. 

I am creative. I also enjoy performing for people, which is probably down to the lessons I learned backbacking across India / Thailand. 
I know that it is a clichĂ© - but I genuinely feel that I found myself.

I wear a T, which is ambiguous. Loose-fitting and baggy trousers.

My hair is red and frames my boot-like face in dreadlocks. 
(The curtains do not match the drapes.)
I refuse to be defined by trends and fashion. 
I am just me being 'me'.
Like it or lump it.

On my travels, I learned the sacred mystery of Fire Dancing

(It blends the excitement of 'fire' with the sacred mystery of 'dance'.) 
I like to perform in parks / seafront situation / pubs which offer discounts to students / any prominent public place where I can share my talent with others.
Although I am currently 'not very good' I practice at least once a week - especially when the sun is out and I can be seen by as many people as possible.
For example, tomorrow I will be heading to the local park to dance the dance of life. I do not ask for tips; just your time, and your wonder. (I will accept tips because I am heavily in debt.) Will you come and see me? 
Anyway, that is 'me'. 
Onto my problem:

I am starting to think that people do not like my art, nor me.

I do not know for why.

I am outgoing but I am also mysterious. 

What I really want is for the audience to 'get' my performance. 

I play music as I practice / perform.
I have a speaker that I brought from the Argos Value range of quality products. I play an eclectic mix of cutting edge European dance music from the legendary discothèques of Poland. Also, the Bob Marley and some panpipe / bongo stuff.

What can I do?


- I am unsure. iam____


-----


'Fuck'. 

That's a real sticky wicket. 
What can we do to help this broad out? All suggestions are welcome but please be constructive. 

Personally, I'm going to think long and hard about this one.

What do you think is harder; managing the potential risks of fire or learning to dance?
If you were about to die would you rather be able to build a fire or build a choreographed dance routine?
Is there room for both in today's modern world?

Reply using words. Stay black.

<3 heart symbol. 



Sunday 21 April 2013

HMV LIMPS ON. IS IT TIME FOR A 'MERCY KILLING'?

I 'came' across this story, detailing the latest shameful adventures of entertainment antique dealer HMV (His Master Voice).

From what I understand, HMV sells CDs, DVDs, Blu-rays, Ecksbawks 360 games, and other loosely related bric-a-brac. I say 'sells' but I think that you're a savvy-enough internet user to know that they probs don't 'sell many units' - due to the wonderful world of online piracy.
(Not that we'd know anything about that - right, niggas?)

;-) winking-confident-face 

"In order to remain in business we must diversify.
We must do literally anything to make £££.
" - Company News Letter




"Give a man a HMV giftcard. 
He will buy something.
Give a man uncapped broadband (from an ISP that doesn't send pissypants copywrite infringement letters) and he will DL.
Everything." - A Haiku © 2013  

HMV's been 'an effing disgrace' to highstreets everywhere for years now. 

They're really on the ropes :-( sadface.

Sort of feel like we need to take the final push and put the HMV out of its misery.

Metaphorically 'put it out to pasture'. 
Metaphorically 'unplug the life support'.
Metaphorically _____.

Sort of feel that HMV and other primitive highstreet entertainment business models have been 'playing sillybuggers' with my wallet for years. (Selling me the same content over and over again with diff format / bonus disk / stoopid concept art book / plastic crappy collectible figurine nigga / fancypants packaging / soundtrack CD / superduper box set situation.)
Sort of feel that NOW is the time to strike back for great justice. 

We must utterly destroy them. 
But we must also show delicate compassion.  

What do YOU think the best way to do this is? 


  • Bargain Bin Tax? 
  • Some sort of thing where we all lay down in the doorway and block the entrance? We could call it Surround Sound Day?
  • Annual Anti-Record Store Day? (On this day - we don't even go into music shops to browse new releases / Soundhound MP3s / plan our torrent activity for later - we just boycott them entirely.)
  • Throw things?
  • 'Hurtful' language?
  • Premeditated and inorganic social media campaign? 
  • Take our CDs, DVDs, Blu-rays back and DEMAND refunds >>> empty the tills? 





"You had your time, 
you had the power.
You've yet to have your finest hour." - Queens

Gtg. I'm going to check the latest releases / browse the 'golden oldies' to see if anything 'leaps off of the shelves at me'. (This is for unrelated market research and absolutely nothing to do with my p2p activity for later this evening.) 

;-) winking-confident-face 
:-) happyface
xxx (3 kisses.)


Saturday 20 April 2013

UNDERSTANDING THE ECONOMIC DOWNTURN 4

Sort of feel like we're still no closer to understanding the Global Economic Meltdown, despite our best efforts to understand the Global Economic Meltdown.
:-( sadface.

I know that you're feeling sad.
I know that you just sort of want to bury your head in the sand (that is a metaphor). 
That isn't going to resolve the situation. 
Not at all.

"We are all in this together.
(Life.)
We must all come together.
(Not gay.)" - An intimate Haiku © 2013

Hopefully 1 day our collective situations will rise to such great heights. Until then, we must constantly ask, "Why?" and also create e-Petitions

This week in the Galactic Financial Crisis, some nigga called Finance Minister Wolfgang Schaeuble says that it's, "Time to stop playing sillybuggers and give Cyprus 10 Billion Euros NOW!!!1" From what I understand, if you give Cyprus 10B then they will 'sort their shit out' and stop stinking up the Eurozone situation.

As you know, I'm not a scientist or very good at maths or even talk the English 2 gdgd (because of too much time spent surfing the world wide web) but I believe that this 'plan' is 'fucking bullshit'. 

Sort of feel like there's no situation that can't be resolved with 10 Billion _____.

Does that even count as a plan?
Sort of seems like Papa Wolfgang Shabby just wants to throw money at the problem and hope for the best. 
For example, say that the Eurozone is some broad working at a 'titty bar'. She really wanted to make it in fashion / photography / NHS midwifery school / Tumblr / miscellaneous middle management call centre job, but things just never worked out. (Story as old as time :-( sadface.) So she starts 'showing the goods and shaking it like a Polaroid picture' to 'make ends meet'. Now Finance Minsta Wolfgang Nigga 'comes' into the situation and says, "Have 10B and chase your dreams, whore." Sister's probably going to stop working in the titty bar, but she's sure as eff not going to go to work anytime soon. (Probs go on a coke binge and probs buy herself a car / house / new mobile phone / fruity little dog / Friends on Blu-Ray 1080p situation.) 
Obvs, I don't know 'my ass from my elbow' so that analogy may be 'fucking bullshit' :-( sadface.

Maybe we (as media-savvy 20 and 30 somethings with several key skills across several key areas) should 'get off the bench' and 'get involved'?

What's the best effing way to get OUR message out to these fatcat city bankers / pencil pushers / bureaucrats?


  • Charity bake sale?
  • Acts of random violence (major motion picture Fighting Club for B. Pitt)?
  • Acts of random kindness (major motion picture Yes Man for Jim Carey)?
  • Smear campaign against prominent political figure?
  • 'Murder'?
  • Mass sulk / pisspants protest outside City Hall / chain coffee shop?
  • Deactivate our Facebawks accounts for 2 days?

What will it take for OUR message to be heard ffs?!

"WE are the kids!
Inheriting the Earth. 
(And our parents house / money),
Fuck injustice!" - Haiku / Call to Arms



^^^ That nigga up there is ME!
^^^ That nigga up there is YOU!
^^^ That nigga up there is WE!

He's just making a diff / hoping to go mad viral / chanting shit / 'sticking it to The Man' / fighting for what he believes in.

What do YOU chuffing believe in?

(Please use the comments for astute and intelligent and self-aware and politically-aware discussion. (No cuss words, niggas.) Whichever anon wins will receive lots of respect and a pinbadge that says, "I effing hate racism >:-( angryface.")

Peace out, nigs.
Remain ethnic / political. 


Friday 19 April 2013

FACEBAWKS SAYS 'SEND GIFT'


I'm sure we can all agree that Facebook makes effing 'stacks of cheddar' (<<< that's rap speak for 'money'. Get with the program, nigga).

They are constantly seeking to innovate / increase market share / cyberbully their enemy Google / monetise their situation / promote 'fucking bullshit' browser games / matchmake 'me' (strong, white human male) with 'hawt single women' (bots and sockpuppets) via dated matchmaking services. 

Today, I saw this new scheme from the Facebawks. Niggas can now Send Gifts to one anothers digital situations. 

Not really sure what it all means tbh. 

If YOU could send a 'Gift', what would YOU send, nig?!

  • Spa Day?
  • Ebook / .PDF situation?
  • Cupcake related situation?
  • Some sort of Nail / Manicure thing? (When a woman posts an exotic selfie of her nails do you think, "Wow.")?
  • Cyber terrorism / virus / digital STD?
  • Actual STD (utilising primitive 2.5" Floppy)?
  • £10 Amazon voucher?
  • £15 Amazon voucher?
  • £20 Amazon voucher :-O amazedface?!
  • Pornography?
  • Cooking class (with 1 complimentary glass of Chardonnay)?
  • MP3s?
  • Half-finished screenplay :-( sadface?
  • Virtual 'money' for virtual 'fucking bullshit' browser game?
  • Threats / hurtful language? 
  • Haircut / papering day at local poormans Tony & Guy rippoff?
  • Miscellaneous expensive gift / passive-aggressive demand for sex?
  • Google+ account?

What would YOU send ffs?!


Thursday 18 April 2013

1STWP - I AM THINKING ABOUT MY HANGOVER / SITUATION

Sort of wondering, "Why we do it to ourselves?" (Drinking / recreational drug use / staying up until 'mad late')

Sort of feeling _____.

I don't want to end up in a deadend relationship and watch box sets / order takeaway dindins / have a quiet night in every night. Nor do I want to throw a shape (dance) / go to da club (rapman) / get fucked up (fucked) every night. Just want there to be some middleground. 

Ugh.



Do you even know if this is even possible in today's technological world?
Do the lights never go out + is 'life' the city that never sleeps?
Am I looking in the wrong places?

"Just want to meet a woman who is into, 
throwing a shape. (Nights out.)
Enjoying MPEGs and MP3s. (Nights in.)
And touching it. (Penis.)" - Haiku from the nigga from the major motion picture Up

Man, so up for zzz. Feeling tired. 

x (1 kiss.)


Wednesday 17 April 2013

RELIGION VS SCIENCE

Seems like it’s pretty legit to cyberbully / bully / point and laugh at any nig who’s ‘into’ religion. 

From what I understand, thousands of years ago it was pretty kewl to be into religion and cyberbully / bully / ‘murder’ any nig who was ‘into’ science.

Sort of feel like the hunter has become the hunted and the whole situation has been reversed. The persecution that religious niggas inflicted upon the science kids back in the day is now the other way round, and the science kids are persecuting the religious niggas.


Seems like there's a lot of metaphorical 'caps going into asses' (aka gang violence).

IDK whether to:

  • Try to escalate the situation.
  • Try to calm the situation.
  • Become a member of #teamreligion.
  • Become a member of #teamscience.
  • Try to support my local church (with a charity skydive).
  • Try to destroy my local church (with science ((with a nuclear weapon)).

FEELING SO #CONFUSED :-( SADFACE.

There are so many Pages promoting the science and ‘making fun’ of the religion on the Facebawks that my News Feed creaks under the weight. 

It is easy to look at the situation and think, "Fuck."




Maybe it’s because the majority of the Cool Kids are ‘into’ science and education and stuff? It’s like a mob mentality?

Diversity is destroying us. We (as a species) must all agree on a subject as one and then brutally 'stamp out' any conflicting opinions.” - Some Jerkoff

If YOU met someone and they said that they were into Jesus would YOU sort of feel as though they were ‘a fucking asshole’?

If they were a man, I would think that they were a sexual predator or had been ‘touched’.

If they were a woman, I would think that they were from a strict, patriarchal household where the parents love was dished out only as a reward for achieving correct grades at school. She would be plain to look at, but you would sort of think that she would go ‘completely crazy’ in the bedroom (during sex). She would probably like mail-order clothing and probably enjoy drinking alcohopops (the Smirnoff Ice, the Reef, the WKDside) as it would ‘free her’ and mentally carry her away from a mundane life in the Midlands to a life of dizzy excitement in Las Vegas (because of the bright colours and sugar content).

We digress.

So, sort of feel like it’s now ‘acceptable’ to metaphorically ‘look down’ on people who are into Jesus and the Magical Jew God. 




Why can we not just get along?
Why can we not just agree to disagree?
(But secretly know that we are right,
and that the other person is a ‘stupidhead?)
’” – An Appeal for Compassion and Understanding on Earth

From what I understand, when some nigga invented the world being round he was laughed at by the religious people and called ‘something hurtful’.

But now, when some nigga says, “I believe that the world was made in 7 days / Noah’s Ark situation / Mosses Vs Sea / Papa Adam & Mama Eve-broad / Brb Jesus Resurrection / etc," we all think that they are retarded. 


Can we not just all get along? :-) happyface. 

Do you know anyone who's 'into' religion?
Is there something 'very queer' about them?
Is it problematic to sleep with some religious broad, as you're always going to be in direct competition with Papa G and probs won't measure up?
Was the world made in 7 days - or is that probs not true?
I think that the only good thing that has come from religion is the nun costumes and the light bondage accessories in Ann Summers, but what do YOU think?
I think that the only good thing that has come from science is Internets, but what do YOU think?


<3 heart symbol.


Tuesday 16 April 2013

YOU'RE WORLD - I REALLY NEED TO FINISH MY SCREENPLAY

Sup, nigs.
The moar things change, the moar they stay the same, right?
Yeah, man. You're telling me.

Anyways, you may remember this post about helping fellow anons out. Well, we have a situation to remedy.


Welcome to YOU'RE WORLD.


In our first YOU'RE WORLD, anonymous tells us his situation. 
Let's see if we can't help this nigga out, hmmm?

-----

I REALLY NEED TO FINISH MY SCREENPLAY



Falling behind. 
I go to the local chain coffee shop. I order the usual. I sit in the window, where I can people watch - but importantly - also BE watched. (I am wearing some vintage clothes, but also some 'new shit'. I am just me being 'me'.) 
I am ready. 
To begin. 
To weave the magic of the word.
I ease my laptop open. 
1st things 1st; my name has been wrote on my coffee 'cup'. I take a photo of the coffee 'cup' with my _____ model of mobile phone. 

There are 2 options: 

1) My name is spelt correctly.
I post the photo along with, "You KNOW you drink too much coffee when THIS happens! XD." I will hope for between 3 and 8 likes (and at least 2 comments).
or
2) My name is spelt incorrectly. 
Possibly by a member of staff from a crappy European country. Of course, this country will be Poland. I post the photo along with, ">:-( angryface."

Although I feel a bit _____ because I am metaphorically falling behind with my self-imposed 500 words a day - there may very well be other, more pressing situations to attend to:

1) I may feel the need to extend / promote my social presence OTI.
I 'social network'. That is all.
2) Might be feeling 'ambiguous'.
I post vague statuses. I look through a photo gallery of an old bf / gf / bff. I think of the good times. I think of the bad times. I think of the _____ times. I listen to 6 Music.
3) Might be feeling the need to 'cum'.
I open several tabs and then I hide them behind the front one. Soft / hard porn. I have my headphones on. They do not play music, as I need to be 'alert' if some nigga comes 'sneaking up on me'. 

I go to the washroom. 

Might check my hair / general situation. 
Might take a 'selfie'.

I return to my table. (Of course, I do not like to leave my laptop unattended for extended periods of time. Although it is insured 'away from home' and 'all my important shit' is backed up, it is mostly just the aggro of replacing it that I cannot be effed with. Obvs, I am non-violent, but I would seriously concider 'popping a cap in the dome' if some random tried to steal my shit. Do not even want to talk (type) about it tbh.)


I stay for 2 hours. 

In that time I order between 2 and 4 cups of _____. (Maybe an overpriced snack.)

Falling behind. 

With the screenplay, I means.
I go home.


- I am anonymous. iam___


-----

What can WE do to help this anon out?

What do YOU suggest? (Remember, we're all friends with substantial online social presences here - so 'no one get's left behind'.)

Provide your most astute and socially-aware suggestions 'in the comments'.
The winner will receive +1 to his or her internets.


xx (2 kisses.)


Monday 15 April 2013

15/04/2013 - 1STWP - I CANNOT 'GET INTO' THE NEW SEASON OF GAME OF THRONES :-(

As you know - we live in uncertain times. There's the ongoing War on Terror, the situation in North (Best) Korea, and The Global Economic Downturn
Some nights idk whether I'm coming or going.

Ugh. 


"So #confused. 

So #worried.
So #apathetic. 
So?" - A very socially-aware Haiku © 2013
(Might make this my Facebawks status until things change. If I do it - will you do it? Solidarity.)

In order to distract ourselves from these situations, we obvs have to watch The Bewb Tube (TV) and 'listen' (judge) MP3s.

In todays 1ST WORLD PROBLEMS (now shortened to 1STWP, so save title space, innit) we explore this situation.

Recently, I've been trying to 'pick up where I left off' with the major television series from HBO - Life is a Game of Thrones.


Finding it hard to 'get into' :-( sadface.


I'm not sure if HBO should just stick with what they know and pay that crazy dragon lady to get her tuts out again?

Do you think that she's too big for that - now that she's a 'serious' Hollywood actress, I means?




I think that the bulk of the problem is this weekly instalment BS. 


"Don't / can't be effed to wait,

to 'tune in next week'.
Want / demand content on MY terms." - LERN 2 INTERNET

Does anyone know what HBO stands for?

Should they bring papa Sean Bean back into the fold?
Maybe he could join the zombie people?
(I do not 'believe in' books - so I haven't read the GoTs books. Does this happen? If it doesn't, should I write some Fan Fiction based on this amazing idea?)
Do you think that ^^^ idea is 'fucking bullshit'? :-( sadface.
We briefly 'touched' upon this during our calculations to calculate the ideal nipple to areola ratio - but do you think that the blonde dragon broad has puff-nips?




Sooo apathetic. 

xxx

Sunday 14 April 2013

14/04/2013 - IT IS / IS NOT OKAY TO CYBERBULLY MARGARET THATCHER

Sup, nigs.
(That question is rhetorical.)

As you may or may not know, legendary IRL troll Margaret Thatcher died, like a week ago or something. Obvs, this is more of an issue for politically-aware / self-aware / unemployed post-grads with too much time on their hands - but maybe WE can learn something from this clusterfuck, too.

From what I understand, it is 'okay' to cyberbully M. Tatty because she was 'a cow'. 

Not sure about the specifics :-( sadface. 
Something to do with her shutting down coal mines and trying to create a utopian world, where everyone earning less than __'000k a year was forced to live 'like an animal'?

"The truth is out there, niggas." - X File

"Just want to live in a world,
where the rich get rich. 
And the poor get poorer and / or die." - M. Thatch [citation needed]

I'm sure we can all agree that with the massive advances in technology and self-awareness, this could never happen again.  

Oh.
(This political 'joke' has been brought to you by a rare collaboration between iam___, a 'newspaper', and a 'satirical political television program made for the yoof.')

Don't really understand or 'give an eff' about politics. 
Seems like it has it's place, though:


  • To win an intellectual 'pissing contest' IRL.
  • To get mad respect on some politics forum OTI.
  • To 'cum' with some broad who is 'into' politics IRL / OTI.
  • Learn about shit.
  • Make the world a better place.

Anyways, Cool Kids the world over are still 'banging on about' Mama Tatty's death. 

"Margaret Thatcher? Moar liek Margaret Bitcher haha (I am laughing out loud)." - Some Jerkoff

Fuck.
Sort of feel like these niggas need to 'chill'.

From what I understand, the latest situation involves trying to get some stoopid song from Teh Wizard of Oz to 'Number 1'.


"It is because she is a witch and now she is dead." - A genius

Ugh.
Not really sure why it's 'okay' to bash Mama T. but not to bash other people?

"Bully someone AFK and you are a thug.
Cyberbully someone OTI and you are a troll.
Bully M. Tatty and you are _____." - A spiritual question / Haiku © 2013

Just soul-searching.
Just trying to be a better 'me'.
Sort of want to 'smoke ass' / 'put a cap' in these insensitive people.

Should I change my Profile Picture until this insanity passes?

"Just want everyone to put their weapons down.
(Both verbal and actual.)
Can't we just agree to disagree? :-) happyface." - An appeal for calm

Can ANYONE explain this fucking situation to ME?
Who cares about the Charts?
Do you know the Top 10?
5?
Have you seen the Motown version of The Wizard of Oz?
Diana Ross is Dot and Michael Jackson is Tin Man and MJs brother Toto is the Toto.
(^^^ that is mostly true.)

Is it 'okay' to cyberbully Princess Di?
If I wanted to 'get more involved' with politics, do you know of any exciting clubs / Facebawks Pages I could join / 'like'?
Do you think that an adult woman (25+) who likes politics is sort of like a young woman (25-) who likes horses / photography / ballet?
It is 'just a phase'?
It is 'just a phase' that they'll grow out of?

Peace, nigs.
<3 heart symbol.