HOME ALONE: HOW DO THE McALLISTER'S HAVE SO MUCH $$$ MONEY?

Since the creation of the internet utilising the amazing powers of AOL free trial CDs and crappy 56k modems the internet has answered many questions. 

Come. Let us reflect:

• What is the colour of the thing?
• Why does my cat lick me?
• Why is Zooey Deschanel?
• What did Keven McAllister's dad do to afford this biz?

As part of this blog's outstanding commitment to outstanding investigate journalism I am investigating this hot-button topic immediately.

I saw the above meme ^^^ posted a couple of days ago and was like, "Yeah okay."

There's so much content to sift through in our amazing 1st World that sometimes it's in one ear and out the other. 

Then someone commented that it's actually Mrs McAllister and not Mr McAllister making that 'effing redonk bank'.

😮😮

At first I violently rejected their comment; how can a woman make more money than a man? It's straight up crazy talk. I deployed the passive-aggressive-laughing-boi emoji as if I were dropping The Fat Man atomic nuclear device on Nagasaki. 

But it stuck with me, y'all...

It is the festive season and I am watching the major motion picture Home Alone.
Let us get to the bottom of the McAllister's financial situation, hmmm?

MR McALLISTER: AN INVESTIGATION

Firstly, Mr McAllister looks like 'a fucking bum' 😒😒:

He is wearing a crappy $15 shirt from some shitty miscellaneous big box store. 

He is also sporting the painted-on smile of a man who has made poor life choices. 

Unfortunately, his brother is also very poor. 😕😕

MRS McALLISTER: AN INVESTIGATION

Meanwhile, Mrs McAllister looks straight up sweetums, bb 😃😃:

It's also very telling to this author that Mrs McAllister not only settles the bill with the pizza delivery bro, she also takes the time to 'shoot the shit' with this random minimum wage dingdong. Mrs McAllister has the comfortable demeanour of a successful person who is 'willing to listen to the little people but ultimately does not care'.

Subtle undertones of a relationship where the power balance is heavily skewed. 

Mrs McAllister also mentions that the whole trip to Paris shindig is because her husband has been transferred or something. 

Sort of feel like big important businessmen (specialising in business) don't get transferred - they go where they want to go. 

He has not been promoted. He has been transferred.

It's a bit like your other half is 'working' in some 'utterly bullshit industry' (Etsy / notonthehighstreet.org / something to do with decoupage) that constantly runs at a loss, and you're paying to keep it afloat, but if it keeps your other half happy - whatevs.

Also, see David Beckham funding Victoria Beckham's 'fancypants clothing range'. 
Anything for a quiet life.

THE McALLISTERS: CONCLUSION

Accepting all of this as truth, I speculate that Mrs McAllister runs some high-end clothing company; that's why the house is filled with mannequins.

At the start of this post it seemed 'impossible' that she was the provider of the family's vast wealth, but that is why we investigate this stuff:

To learn. 

To LOL.

Let's have a VERY BRIEF Q&A.

Q&A

Are you the 'dead weight' in your relationship, hoping your partner pays for _____?

If you had a blank cheque from your very wealthy other half, what 'fucking bullshit' business venture would you start with 0 consequence should it fail?

a) Stained glass windows?

b) Yoga for pets?

c) Oh wow like LEGO Technic limbs for broken pets? 😮😮

d) Plants?

e) 1st World Christmas tree decorations made out of 3rd World bullets / mines?
f) Expensive pasta. £100 for 100g. It is multi-coloured.

Christmas truly is the most magical time of the year. 

Thank you, clean Caucasian Jesus. <3 <3

UK POLITICS: LET'S LEARN ABOUT PRITI PATEL 🤔🤔

I was watching Priti Patel ride-along with a police raid like 3 months ago. It was dark so I'm guessing it was quite early in the morning and the operation was going down deep in the Modern Urban Environment / 'miscellaneous crappy inner city area' where her crew were going to seriously bust up some County Lines drug biz. 

Priti was All Ghillied Up in a bullet-proof vest and flanked by loads of her police bois. They were equipped with tactical gear, cool hats, guns, and the round tube hammer thing they use to breach doors. A reporter questioned one of the police, insinuating that the whole thing was some bullshit press photo-op. 

"No way, man, Priti's legit," the police replied. (I'm paraphrasing.) "I've had previous Secretary of State's come on a raid just once in their entire term. That's a photo-op. Priti's been on 5 this year. She just loves fucking shit up."

Priti Patel seems like a pretty chill bro. I was watching an interview with her yesterday where she was asked what her plans were over Christmas. Is she onboard with Boris' 5 Day Festive Period Twat-Around? Will she be seeing her family? 

"I will be on call," she said. "I will also be visiting my police bois on the front-line because crime never sleeps and neither does The Prit. Once my duties are done I will be having a small family gathering with my core peeps." 

Seems kind of decent of her. 

She's also been called out for bullying in the workplace, to which she offered no excuse. "Yeah I bully a motherfucker - so what? Don't be a dweeb." 
Most people would've resigned but Priti Patel is like, "No."

Wikipedia states that she is:

• Down with getting rid of the smoking ban. 😀😀
• Cool with capital punishment. 😮😮
• Not cool with gay marriage. 😕😕
• Not cool with Extinction Rebellion. 🐢👎
• Not cool with BLM.  ✊🏿👎

There's also some stuff about Israel, but unfortunately I do not understand the situation nor am I willing to learn.

At the start of this post I thought Priti Patel seemed like a pretty chill bro; what's not to like about a 4'4" woman straight up busting heads for the lols? Unfortunately, during my investigations I have learned that she is 'a bit mental' and this blog will not be endorsing her for any situations nor for any future co-branding opportunities and that decision is absolutely final, y'all. 

You dun goofed, Patel. You dun goofed. 

Q&A
What would you do if The Prit smashed your door / face in?
I think a cool catchphrase for her post-arrest could be, "You're pretty fucked now, hey?" (Not really a question.)

I think she has a right potty-mouth but I'm not really basing that on anything. (Not really a question.)
If you were being bullied in the workplace would you:
a) Complain to middle management?
b) Lock yourself in the toilet and 'hope that it will all go away'?
c) Take time off for emotional distress / get free money?
d) Rap battle [via 8 Mile factory lunch break scene]?

Should I re-open negotiations for exciting co-branding opportunities between Priti and iamawaingyourereading? I was thinking about a cool suit made out of words. Or a biscuit tin.

I have composed this delicate and vulnerable Haiku now:

Priti.

Petite warrior princess.

Draped in your armour of a nice suit,

and military assault vest.

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