NICKI MINAJ. WHAT IS SHE?

Like a moth to a flame or a woman back to an abusive partner, I am drawn to Nicki Minaj. Her kaleidoscope of colour, noise, and insanity is pulling me in. I think it's those fucking videos where the images get all strobe like. I'm sure there're subliminal messages in them. I do not like her or her music. Not one bit.

"Take whatever you want, Minaj, just don't touch me". 

For some reason though she is HUGE. One of her videos has over 200 million plays. That's a staggering number. By comparison, Let's Dance has only 5 million views. Does this mean Nicki Minaj is 40 times better then David Bowie? I don't want to live in a world where that's true. You could argue that she is a product of our times, where people watch more videos, but I think it's more likely that people are just easily pleased these days. *

Here are reasons I am right. Also, please go to this video and spam F5.

1) SHE IS UGLY LIKE A TRAIN WRECK SURVIVOR

Approximately 100% of all music is sold based on image. How is their hair cut? Are their shoes current? Can I masturbate to them, or indeed, will they masturbate me - cos y'know, they're not even musicians but they'll do stuff to get ahead?

Nice career, girls.

Most of it's subjective, of course. One mans trash is another mans treasure. Her being...special (I mean like a child with Downs Syndrome's special not like an X Man's special) doesn't make her any more real or phresh then anyone else. It certainly doesn't make her any better at her trade. The people who think this woman is quirky and original are the same people who think Adele mines a richer vein of truth and depth because she is fat. Hey, kids! She’s a cartoon. She’s a consumable. I’ve seen padded bras with more content. She looks like a spastic ate a bunch of crayons and then sicked them back up all over a Siamese cat.


2) SHE IS HAVING A STROKE

Yes, we can all lol at it’s peculiar ways – but read this from the NHS:

Remind you of anyone?

Oh. Right.

Better dial 999, cos Time is important. Like I said (typed), I've watched her videos and she pulls a lot of faces. When I used to do that, my mum would tell me off for being a sillybilly. But somebody encourages her to do this facial sorcery because it makes her look edgy and omg so fucking out there, man. Y'know who else pulled sillybilly faces and started dicking around with their hair?

This did not end well.

3) IT IS A TALE TOLD BY AN IDIOT, FULL OF SOUND AND FURY, SIGNIFYING NOTHING

If someone put a gun to my head I couldn't tell them what any of her songs are about, what they mean, or even what genre it is. I remember the chorus to the Boom Boom song is about her "heart beat, beating away". I can't remember one more word from any one of her songs. Not one.

Going back to Adele (probably cos'v the gravitational pull, amirite?), her songs are superb. After you listen to one of her songs you can form a connection with it. You can relate to it. Only fax machines, ADD children, and psychopaths can relate to this:

A team of unemployed NASA scientists, some Pokemon, Soundwave, and I locked ourselves away from the light of day for a month and examined this...this atrocity. We think it's a rap "dis" (like disrespect, yo) to Lil Kim, who was a rapper from like 1993 or something. Word up, my Nig.

The only casualty of this rap battle is my dick. She has enough rump steak to feed all of those starving black children that are on those adverts on TV. Enemies of the free world actually weaponise this video to torment said children. Bad form.


4) MINAJ À TROIS

It's prophesied that this woman, Justin Bieber, and GaGa will unite to destroy everything we hold dear. This is how Armageddon will shape up at the ass end of 2012. The soundtrack will not be thunder and the screams of the dammed, rather the plinky plonky techno shitpiss that these animals are peddling. You heard it here first.

Now, I don't mind Bieber. He seems like a nice kid and I've got real optimism for that golden day when a dead stripper's found floating in his pool or he does some other fall from grace crap. It'll be delicious.

"Oh, Justin, what have you done?!"
"I Biebersised her"

And the same with GaGa. Sooner or later, she's coming back down and I can't wait for the witch hunt to begin and an emotional interview to follow like, "Man, it was sooo crazy! That time of my life was filled with drugs and gender corrective surgery. It was a dark time and that came across in my music about raping men and being fucked by telephones and cleaning my scrotum and being a guy dressed as a girl acting like a guy". At least those 2 are making something audible. Nicki Minaj is completely unique in her field. She's made a career in music despite massive setbacks like not actually being able to do anything. Just a walking mannequin. With nice wigs. And a bum.

I have no mouth and I must scream.

CONCLUSION:

I...I have none. I can't even begin to understand this animal. I used to work at a zoo back in the day, so I've seen some absolutely pathetic biology and some really fucked up stuff. This is completely beyond me. Maybe its my age. I'll be 30 a couple of days before the Trinity calls down a sparkly disco ball of Cataclysm on the 24th of December 2012. Maybe I'm too old to get Minaj.

It's not her music. It's not her appearance. It's not even her stoopid medicine ball ass. I think it's that I have friends - talented friends - who've been chasing the dream for as hard and as long as anyone, but still haven't broken through. Even friends who've made it but couldn't sustain the momentum needed to make a living through music. And here we have this day glow nuclear cum dumpster with over 200 million views on YouTube. On one song.

As a species, we've gone wrong somewhere.


NOTES:

• No eyes or ears were damaged during my extensive research. My penis went colour blind though, probably due to all the colourful and inventive and current make up Minaj uses.
• Much like meeting someone who owns a pair of Crocs, if you meet someone owning an album from this artist, it's an acurate berometer to gauge if you'll like them or no.
• That is all.

* And stupid heads.

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