LIFE: DEALING WITH BREAK UPS 101

We have a lot of lols and situations here on i am awaiting youre reading but sometimes it's time to talk about our feelings. I will start and then you can join in. "Hullo, my name is Adam and today I'd like to talk to you about break ups."

Those of you who've stayed up boozing with me until silly o'clock in the morning will know that I know lots of stuff. Most of it's pretty useless - like 80's film trivia, crap about computer games, how to internet correctly, and stuff about Jeff Buckley. But some of it's useful - like relationship advice.

If you're female, think of me as a less competent version of Sarah Jessica Parker pretending to be Carrie Bradshaw - apart from I touch less penises then she does, unless my own counts, in which case the number's probably about the same.

And if you're male, think of me as a domesticated Bear Grylls - but instead of helping you find food in a frozen wasteland I'll help you find peace of mind in a different kind of wasteland. The wasteland of anitlols. That's emotional and this is serious business. I will now share with you the precious, precious things that I've learned about break ups using words. You may learn something but probably not.

Bring lots of Stimpacks.

1) HOW DID IT END?

This sets the tone for the whole break up. Was it mutual? Was it one persons decision? Was it amicable and did you talk about feelings and cuddle and whatnot? This can make a huge difference to how you cope with your relationship ending. For example - if you find out someone's cheated on you, then it'll probably make your decision to end things pretty easy. You can make your decision and move on.

I don't think I've ever been cheated on, but I do think this woman that I dated back in the day had this other guy on the back burner as her and I were winding down. She started dating that guy like a month after we split up. "Was she a whore, Adam?" I hear you ask. I couldn't possibly answer that. But yeah, probably.

Anyways, when I found out that she was dating someone else so soon (especially when I saw that this other guy was a neck-beard with lots of average where his handsome should've been) it actually made me feel quite perky about the whole situation.

Maybe he had a nicer personality then me but I doubt it.
I mean, I look after kittens and stuff for Christ's sake.

After I'd gotten over the initial antilols I realised that if she could moved on so quickly then we probably didn't have anything that special to begin with. /thread.

Of course, it's harder if your partner's decided to call it a day and you still love them. So, what do? Well you can negotiate and beg and plead - all that stuff. But if they've made up their mind then ultimately you have to come to terms with it. The sooner you accept that your ex and you are over, the sooner you can start shopping around for someone else.

How your ex acts just after the break up can affect you too. It can be upsetting if your ex looks like they're out every night living a heterosexual vida loca. Even moreso when you're integrated into eachothers lives by mutual friends and social media. If you don't like it, then create a bit of a firewall between the 2 of you. Stop their updates appearing on your Facebawks News Feed. If they're really pissing you off and you just want to cut them out completely, like they cut that 30 minutes of footage from the middle of Leon, just block them for a bit. There's also ways to get rid of that annoying Facebook Ticker thing if you use Chrome. It's only as hard as you make it.

He teaches her how to use grenades and everything.

2) EMOTIONAL SITUATIONS

For the foreseeable future your emotions are going on a bit of a lolocoaster. It's like that bit in a film where adversity has tested our protagonist and they're feeling pretty sad about life. This part of a films story is called The Approach to the Innermost Cave (That Media BTEC finally served some purpose). In Star Wars it’s when the Millennium Falcon is tractor-beamed into the Death Star. It fucking sucked at the time, but then they rescued Princess Leia and many lols were had.

Yeah, things were not great for Buzz here, but then he gets to
date an underage cowgirl. Swings and roundabouts.

Some jerkoff came up with a formula that, 'every 1 year you were with someone equates to 1 month of getting over them'. But I guess that changes from relationship to relationship. Yes, there're quick fixes. But like all quick fixes some are about as much use as a dating website for pets. Once I used to work at an aquarium and I snapped a pipe. This pipe acted like a plug on a 30'000 litre bath. As water started to flood everywhere I thought, 'Fuck it' and took my shirt off to plug the hole. Did it stop the leak? Yes. Did it last a long time? Not so much. I will now explain quick fixes for getting over your ex using words:

• TOTALLY JUST SLEEP WITH SOMEONE ELSE REAL QUICK - Yes, this will heal the immediate pain. It'll make you feel desirable and really cool and that the other person made a mistake because you're the bomb and the fuse. But you knew that before you got with them. Do you really need to sleep with some random just to feel better about yourself? I mean, do it if you genuinely like them, but otherwise it just is what it is - breaking the seal.

• NO CONTACT!!!1 - Again, this'll work real good like that urban legend about that guy who blew a wart off his finger with a shotgun. Loads of people swear by no contact. I've done it a bunch of times, and it really does work, but I'm not sure if I'd recommend it tbh. It's overkill - like that urban legend about that guy who blew a wart off his finger with a shotgun. Do you really want to cut this person that you loved out of your life, like we all wish we could cut Alien: Resurrection out of the Alien series? You should probably think real hard about it. Yes, ignorance is bliss and all that, but it's still ignorance. 

It happened. Google it.

• MAKING THEM SEEM LIKE THE BAD GUY (OR GIRL) - Everyone hates Sean Bean in The Lord of the Rings. He's a complete dicknose who tries to steal treasure from disabled people. Everyone thinks that whoever the actor is who plays his brother Faramir is a pretty cool guy. This is because Boromir is portrayed as a prick, even though he was only trying to do what he thought was the right thing. Blaming every malfunction your relationship had on your ex isn't fair. You were probably no saint either. Take responsibility for the areas where you went wrong and learn from them so you don't repeat them and balls up your next relationship for the exact same reasons.

If you don't fancy a quick fix then you'll have to work through it little by little. May I be so bold as to recommend you use a Break Up Song to assist? These have been around since the dawn of time (probably, I'm not a historian).

"This song's about feelings.
It goes like this."

Understand that you're pretty much about to ruin this song for yourself for the rest of your life - so don't get too attached to it. It will forever be synonymous with this low point in your life. For example, I played that Paul Simon song Graceland to death and now I can't even look at the cover of the album. I deleted all copies of that song from every device I own. I left a shop once because it they were playing it in the background.

Once you've sorted you head out a little, you're ready to come to terms with the situation.


3) COMING TO TERMS WITH THE SITUATION SITUATIONS

You built this perfect little life with your partner and I bet it was just swell. You probably had nicknames for each other, you probably chatted about how pretty your imaginary kids would be, you might have imagined what you'd do when you're both old and grey - you created a world together. What happens when that world is destroyed? All those wonderful things that could have been can now not be.

That hawt brunette who talks in a French accent is in here somewhere.

So, what do? One of the first steps to recovery is just letting go. Understand that the future you planned isn't going to happen and that the world you imagined is gone.

It's easy to get caught up in this and lose perspective. Take a step back. You were happy before you got with your ex and you'll be happy again. Everytime I've broken up with someone the person I've dated next has been, for lack of a better word, better. Or maybe that's not fair, but they've certainly been better for me. I think you just know what you're looking for a little more, you know yourself a little more, and usually your ex has made you a better person anyways - even if the relationship was made of fail, like the 'music' of Frank Turner - you still learned some valuable lessons. Like leaving the room if his CD is playing.

There's a mathematical equation that I invented (as always, with no formal training) to assist with break ups and the process of dating your next special someone. Use your eyes to look at it:

Is X (Net Value of your ex) Greater Than Y (Potential of new partner) = ?

X > Y = Don't bother. Shop around.
X < Y = Do it. Upgrade.
X = Y = Maybe.

((To find the Net Value of your ex just mentally calculate their attributes, such as lols, win, personality, attractiveness, compatibility, creative sexual deviancy, likes my cat, or whatever else you're looking for. This will give you the Gross Value of your ex. Now subtract the stuff that pissed you off about them. The total figure you're left with is the Net Value.))

Sienna Miller > Some Stupid Nanny  = Jude Law doing it wrong.   

Forget all those negative thoughts you're having about how you'll never meet anyone that wonderful again and that you've lost your soulmate. You don't live in a Disney film. And if you do, answer me this - how do you biologically have sex with Ariel?

I find it comforting in times when you're feeling down about meeting someone to just think that there's some guy / girl out there who's feeling the exact same way you are. You can probably sleep with them if you find them. Get out there and get you some.


4) MOVING ON SITUATIONS

You pretty much have 3 choices - get fucked up as much as possible for as long as possible, feel sorry for yourself like Alexandra Burke feels about never having been Leona Lewis, or do something constructive. These will all affect you in different ways:

Yes, go out and drink until you're sick, smoke until your voice cracks, do some class A's or whatever - but when the dust settles this situation is still going to be there. Here. (I forget what tense we're talking in).

Or you can mope around like a sorry sonofabitch and Q__Q until your eyes run red raw. Don't go out. Don't go to work. You're still going to have to sort it all out eventually.

Or skip all that and just do something useful with your time. Don't get me wrong - a period of getting wrecked and a period of mourning are quite natural and can be really cathartic. I recommend setting aside at least 1 or 2 weeks to wallow in utter self-pity. Reflect upon all the wonderful things you had with your ex and come to terms with the fact that it's over.

But you're about to get a great opportunity. You no longer need to pretend you're interested in all that crap that your ex was interested in. You don't have to see their parents. You don't have to indulge their hobbies. You don't have to eat what they eat, see who they want you to see, be home at a time they consider reasonable - you don't have to compromise. You just got your life back. Go and do something useful with it.

Here is useful stuff that people did after they split up with someone:

• Phil Collins - Devorced cheating wife. Wrote In the Air Tonight.
• Angelina Jolie - Got rid of Billy Bob Thornton. Seduced Brad Pitt.
• Nicole Kidman - Left Tom Cruise. Got career. 
• Justin Timberlake - Left 'Crazy' Cameron Diaz. Ruined Scarlett Johansen and Jessica Biel. 
• Guy from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - Got...lobotomy or something?

That can be you too (well, maybe not so much with the sleeping with Jessica Biel, but give it a shot. Pics or it didn't happen though). Personally, I'm using this time to exercise and write and rinse up Battlestar Galactitca. Yesterday I learned how to jump rope. Today I wrote this. Is it better then sex with my ex? No, not really. But is it better then the sex I'll have with my next girlfriend? Who knows. But I'm excited to find out.


5) THINKING OF YOUR EX IN A PAST TENSE

Remember that person you broke up with ages ago? It seemed like hell on Earth at the time but now it seems pretty lol, amirite? They'll come a time when you can look back completely detached from the way you feel now and think about the end of this relationship with a clear head.

It's really easy to blot out all the noise and the bad stuff from a relationship and think about only the good stuff. You've all heard about Rose Tinted Glasses. Well don't wear them. They look silly.

"He was a womaniser, a drunk, and he beat me mercilessly.
But he had a kind eyes and a gentle soul."

Making a paragon of your ex is easily done. Just after you break up you'll probably forget all of the very valid reasons that you and your ex didn't work out. There are good reasons why your ex is your ex. Just let go.

It's not something you can rush or blag imo. When you're over someone you're over them. I think it helps enormously when you meet someone else you could see yourself with. But you're only going to meet them by getting yourself out there and causing some mischief.

Of course the break up can limp on and on if the other person won't let you go. You may find that your ex becomes a thorough pain in your ass all of a sudden. I remember I broke up with this girl once and she came back with, "BUT U CANT DUMP ME COS IM PREGNANT WITH YOUR BABBY I HAVE NO PROOF WHATSOEVER BUT IS ALL TRUE I SWEARS IT!!!>!". Of course, I dropped everything and got back together with her right away! (I'm not sure how well sarcasm comes out through text, so just to clarify, that was sarcasm). I smoked a 12.5 gram pouch of Golden Virginia in about 2 hours, man. Turns out it was all complete BS anyway. Stupid girl was stupid.

Again, just maintain your perspective and soldier on. If your heart is pure and you tell no lies - things'll get better.


CONCLUSION

This has been a bit of a funky post to write. Encyclopeda Dramatica taught me to internet and they have a basic fact-to-lol ratio when creating their content, which I inherited and use on this site. That, combined with the short attention span of the average human, means i am awaiting youre reading only posts posts which have 5 points each. It is the law. But with something this complicated I could've gone on for dozens of points. It's difficult sorting through all your thoughts during a break up.

tl;dr - breaking up can be painful. It can strip you to your very core and leave you feeling utterly spent. But out of this emptiness you'll also have a completely blank canvass to start over with. It's a wonderful new possibility. Maybe find yourself someone better suited to you, maybe someone you can be happier with, maybe someone who excites and challenges you again - or maybe just a woman with nicer breasts. Who knows. Whatever you're looking for is out there somewhere.

even if you need a pickaxe, a compass,
and night goggles to find them.  

I always think that men and women fall in love differently. A woman knows when she's in love and she knows when she's out of love. A man may take longer to fall in love but then he'll take longer to fall out of love. I could probably knock up some graph on M$ Excel but tbh I'm about to get in the bath and I don't want to. Depending on the circumstances that led you to call it a day, your resilience, your optimism, and a whole bunch of other variables - this could be one of the lowest points of your life or a lolcano. Either way, it'll probably change you. For better or worse is really up to you.

It's a tough gig you have ahead of you and I don't envy you. I've been there and done that a bunch of times, and yeah, it gets a little easier each time. I miss bits and pieces of every woman I've been with. If I could take all those good bits and mash them all together, like those kids did in Weird Science, then I'd be a happy Adam.

So I think that's what I'm going to be looking for. Just a better woman then I've been with.

Who still looks good in Disco Pants.

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