LIFE: THINGS WHAT I LERNED FROM A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP

Long distance relationships are tough. There's ups, there's downs, and many hours spent wondering, 'Oh noes! Who's that person they just became friends with on Facebawks!!>?' I'm a romantic - so I like to think that if your love is strong like a lion and pure like a mountain stream then you'll be okay. However, sometimes love alone isn't enough. I will now try and explain this to you using the nutritious, healing, and cathartic power of lols.

I remember when I was a kid, I thought a long distance relationship was my living in Eastbourne and the girl I was dating living in Heathfield. That's under 20 miles. Try keeping it together when you're not even in the same timezone or on the same landmass. Like Budgie the Little Helicopter, I'm talking about international long distance.

Her eyes say, ’no’ but her slutty bow says
something about landing strips.

1) PHYSICAL SITUATIONS

There're several things that you're going to need to ask yourself before committing to a long distance relationship. You're going to have to come to terms with the answers. Pretty high up the list is, 'do you like sex?' and if the answer is 'yes,' then you may have yourself a problem. With a long distance relationship you will not be having sex for a very long time. Like, so long you may biologically become a virgin again or something. So, what do? 

Eventually, like 2 Koopa Troopas trying to share the forbidden love, you'll stumble into cybersex. It's an actual thing. I had no idea. But much like the first time you had IRL sex, the first time you have cybersex is not good. Not good at all. I think it's best described as that Tantric Sex thing that Sting became synonymous with in the 90's. You just sort of look at each other for ages. You will not be making babies this way.

Get used to this. 

In the darker corners of the internet, they sell a sex simulator called a Fleshlight. It looks a bit like a Stretch Armstrong doll had sex with a floating vagina and then they homeschooled the kid. It plugs straight into a USB socket and then you can have sex with it, just like a real woman. The only noticeable difference is that you'll forever carry with you a special kind of shame that only the utterly, utterly dammed can know. For the rest of your days. You've probably seen them advertised in pop-ups and banners on your internet porn adventures. Now, I never used one of these things, so I can't vouch for them either way. However, I'm guessing that if you're jerking off into a plastic vagina then you probably have bigger problems then ummming and ahhhing over a long distance relationship.

I'm not even going to post a photo of it. Instead,
count the tears of Jesus when he sees one used.

In addition, if you haven't gotten your being promiscuous out of your system long before trying to build a life with someone miles and miles away, you're probably going to do you some cheating. And that is bad.


2) COMMUNICATION SITUATIONS

Skype is your cupid. It flies backwards and forwards down the tubes of the internet delivering the voice, the image, and the company of your love. If you tell no lies and your heart is pure, sometimes you gets you some noodz too. If you've ever used a webcam then you'll know the problem with trying to talk to another human using one. Especially about serious business. If you look at the screen, you're not in eye contact with the other person and if you look at the webcam, you can't see what the fuck is going on.

This cat is trying to Skype the IAMS cat for a catchup. It has one
eye on the screen and one on the webcam. Catchup. Cat-chup. *

There's that thing that says, 'most communication is non-verbal' and then there's that other thing on the army advert where that soldier's got the problem with the other guy with the machine gun by the well and then solves the problem using eye contact. Eye contact's important. It's very hard talking to someone you love when you can't look them in the eye.

Other methods of communication are problematic too. Google+ video is just awful. It's all this middleware of hangouts and circles and joining. God, I could bash Google+ all day, but it's sort of like waving your winky in front of an ugly girl and then when she comes for it on the bended knee, like a tubby camel stumbling towards an oasis, whipping that dick back in and saying that you're, 'just airing it' - it's simply cruel.

Phones are obviously out because of the cost. As are text messages. IM messengers are okay, but sooo much can get lost in translation. You think you're talking about feelings and you're actually talking about milking butterflies.


3) EMOTIONAL SITUATIONS

There're some things in this crazy mixed up world that can’t be fixed with lols. Occasionally you will feel most :( sadface. So, what do? Well, there's not much you can do. There's no quick fix other then to close the limbo of geography between you. And as there's often a good reason why you're not already with one another, this might not be viable. So you have to work through it or quit.

Jimmies have definitely been rustled.

Again, it's a tough gig. You can talk to your friends and family about it until they stop returning your calls 'they're so sick of hearing it, but ultimately you have to decide if it's all worth it. It's swings and roundabouts really. Couples who live with one another argue and fight. Couples who live in the same city argue and fight. Is it really any different? Like all relationships, you have to decide if the lol to antilol ratio is correct. PROTIP: the net total of lols must exceed the level of antilols in your relationship by a clear majority to class your relationship as successful.


4) SOUL-SEARCHING SITUATIONS  

Awful questions will echo around your brain like that bit in Dumbo where he gets all messed up on moonshine or whatever. Using that bit in Dumbo where he gets all messed up on moonshine or whatever, I will now explain:

(Play the music in the background to assist your descent into madness)

- WHY AM I DOING THIS? It's hard, man. You're going to wonder this over and over again. With the mountain of odds stacked against you, you'll wonder, 'why bother?' I think this comes down to simple math. I'm not a scientist, but the formula goes like this:

X (power of love) - Y (level of sadface) = Z (total)
If Z equals 0, or is in the minus, it's time to make a tough decision.

- WHERE ARE THEY? In todays digital wonderland, there's dozens of ways to get in touch with someone. Occasionally, these fail. They might not message you back on Facebawks, they may be out of mobile signal, Skype may be playing sillybuggers - your mind will go into absolute overdrive during these times. Far from being reasonable and kind, these thoughts are often tortuously illogical. You'll have to push these thoughts away and trust.

- WHERE IS THIS GOING? Doing a long distance thing is not something you can do for the lols. It has to be treated really seriously. It involves a lot of sacrifice, heartache, and compromise. There's absolutely no point putting yourself through this for no reason. You need to have some light at the end of the tunnel. You need to know exactly how many fucks you're willing to give before you can no longer give a fuck. You need to have a plan.

(Turn that music off)

5) HAVE A PLAN

Like I said, you need to have a plan and that's why this bit's called, 'have a plan'. There's got to be a goal you're striving for. Do you plan to be with each other someday? How long will you be apart? What is the malfunction and is your partner actually retarded? You'll need to sit down like adults and sort these situations out in advance and work towards a solution. These things do not, 'work themselves out'. It can deteriorate into an absolute shambles pretty quickly if you're not both on the same page. Like that bit in Dumb and Dumber when Carrey went all the way to Aspen, California to meet that super hawt redhead and then she had a husband anyways. 'Probably should've checked that before you left, hey?

Turns out he did marry her IRL though.
He who laughs last, and all that.

I think that as long as there's a good reason that you're currently apart, and that you're both working towards being together again, then it's worth the wait. If they've got time left on their tenancy of their flat, or notice to serve at their work - wait it out. If they're waiting for paperwork or visas to go through - game on. If there's no reason for you to be apart and it's just dragging on and on and there's no good stuff, like the first 2 seasons of The Walking Dead - abort the mission. Go watch Battlestar Galactica instead. Burying your dick in the sand and hoping it will sort itself out is just going to cause you pain. And give you a sandy, gritty penis.


CONCLUSION:

I imagine that it's a lot easier pursuing a long distance relationship these days then it was back in the day. With all these great new ways to stay in contact with the ones you love, you're always a part of each others lives. As long as you want to be.

So you have to choose what you want from your life. Even if you love the other person to pieces and have a thousand, thousand ideas on how you can work towards being together - if it's not reciprocated then you're both just wasting your time. And if you can't be together then you need to make an adult and maybe upsetting decision. The world will keep turning either way.

I don't believe in destiny and whatnot but I do believe in love. I've been so wonderfully in love that I've felt like I'm floating. I've been so heartbroken that I didn't eat for 2 weeks. If things work out and you live happily ever after, superb work. You get an A+. And if you need to call it a day, then you need to call it a day. But you get an A+ for effort.

You can't change someone's mind. I can't change someone's mind.

And after all, it's not as if they're going to stop making guys and girls.


* Cat-chup. The word, "cat" was used and there was also a photo of a cat next to it. So much win. I made that up all by myself. Email me if you don't understand.

This is a Fleshlight.
What has been seen can never be unseen.

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