 |
| This was the fruit bowl at our first flat. |
But there it is. My 20's are coming to an end, like the worlds interest is coming to an end over whether or not Wham! will ever reform. I hope they do.
 |
| Sorry to shoehorn in another picture in so quick, but I'll award 100 internets to anyone know knows the other guys name without Googling it. Amazing hair. |
I sulked for like a whole week when I went 19 / 20. But then when I went 24 / 25 I don't think I cared that much. However, 29 / 30 is a big turning point for any human. I think, for lack of a better word, it makes you an adult. How does this make me feel? Pretty casual.
'For why, Adam?' I hear you ask. Well, you know the drill by now, friend - use your eyes for the reading and I will explain using words:
1) HEALTH SITUATIONS
I'm in better shape now then I was in my early 20's. That's not denial, like when Nicolas Cage tries to make an action film - it's an actuality. The main difference between when I was a kid and now is that I actually exercise these days. I've been quite disciplined about it for the last 2 years. Usually, I'll do cardio every other day and resistance training 3 times a week. 'Why do you do this, Adam? Are you a gaylord?' That's a fair question, gentle reader. Allow me to explain myself.
When I was in my early 20's a balanced diet consisted of my mixing up my Birds Eye Chicken Dipper days and my Bernard Mathews Turkey Dinosaur days. My 5 fruit and veg a day consisted of a handful of grapes or an apple once a week - maybe a tin of Fruit Salad too. I don't know, I'm not a nutritionist. My exercise included herculean feats of endurance such as walking to the shop, staying up late masturbating, and walking to my friends house to play PS1.
 |
| I was pretty good at this too. |
This was all fine and dandy back in the day, as I've always been tall and quite skinny. However in my mid 20's, like when Niles and Daphne got married in Frasier, things were starting to grind to a halt. In my late 20's I figured out that if I still wanted to look pretty I had to do 2 things, neither of which I wanted to do. Not at all.
- EAT BETTER - I've really only got to grips with this in the last year or so, when my ex taught me that a home cooked meal was not my putting a lasagne in the oven. Even if I seasoned it with salt and pepper all by myself. I now cook most of my meals from scratch. Whereas before a home-made meal would consist of a locally sourced pizza from Tesco Local and maybe some ketchup for colour. I'm also lots more open-minded with my food. For example, when I was younger my mum asked me if I'd like some 'brunch' and I replied, "I don't like it" - thinking it was a food type. Oh, what am I like?
 |
| I think I'm a bit like this. If you agree, award yourself +1 internets. |
- EXERCISE - Oh noes, this was an uphill struggle. The depths of my disdain for sports ran so deep that when I was a kid I forged a letter to my PE Teacher. It went something like this:
Dear Mr Fitzpatrick (The Teacher),
Please be informed that Adam (The Son) will not go to no more PE lessons.
He has a bad knee. Thanks.
Yours sincerely.
Judi and Alan Foster (The Parents)
The teacher must've looked at it and thought, 'What is this I don't even?' But tbh I think he was just pleased to get me out of the classes. I was a bit of a malcontent. I used to go home and play Sega Saturn and try to download nutritious noods on the family's dial-up internet connection. Trying to find porn back then was like trying to find a size of clothing other than L or XL in Primark. Dark days, let me tell you. I made no gains during this period of my life.
 |
| I am so close. Just work with me, BT. |
2) MATURITY SITUATIONS
Most of this section will do me no credit, so if you're an ex-girlfriend reading this and you want to preserve that image you have of me as a strong mate and a generous lover, you might want to skip ahead. For the rest of you - here we go. I am immature. Well, in some ways I am. In terms of growing up I've crammed all sorts in. Mortgage? Been there done that. No thanks. Business? I'm my own boss. Amazing win is amazing. But it's my day to day life, which makes me utterly fail at maturity.
I like to amuse myself. Do this end, I'll do things which are just plain silly. Not to impress my peers, not to be popular, but just for my own amusement and all in the name of the lols. Bear witness to my confession:
Age: 28
Situation: We had a lot of foreign students come into the aquarium and it pissed me off. They were loud and stupid and smelly. They'd trash the place and bully my amazing animals. So I orchestrated a vigilante crusade, similar in effectiveness and magnitude to Rambo in that action film I can't remember the name of. We had a jungle section. It was claustrophobic and dark, with only 1 way in and 1 way out. I played a lot of Call of Duty back then so I knew that this would be an excellent place for an ambush. I used to wait above the tree canopy, poised to strike for great justice with this water gun, which was used to control the humidity in the Dart Frog cage. When the kids would come in - I'd execute them. Men, women, boys, girls, children - I was all out of fucks to give. Everything was permitted. They'd scream and think that it was part of the experience. I would calmly reload, dead-eyed and steadfast. I was a manager there. Why did I do this? For the lols.
Scene: Bus Stop
Age: 29
Situation: I don't use public transport very often. Not because I'm an elitist but just because I think it's crap. If I wanted to pay loads of money to not get very far, I'd be a White Knight. Back in the day (in fact this was only a couple of months ago), I decided it was time to take action. I wasn't in a bad mood. I hadn't recently had a bad experience with a bus. I wasn't even waiting for a bus. I just wanted to take action. So a bus pulls up as I'm crossing the road and the drivers window was wound down. There were 2 other buses behind it. It had stopped for a red light, but the light was changing and it started to rumble forward. I leaned in to the drivers window and called the driver that nasty word that rhymes with 'runt' and is spelt 'cunt'. He slammed on the brakes - but I'd timed it just right. He couldn't stop because of the buses behind him so he had to move on. He was very >:( angryface. I was B-) shades cool. Why did I do this? For the lols.
Age: 29
Situation: I don't use public transport very often. Not because I'm an elitist but just because I think it's crap. If I wanted to pay loads of money to not get very far, I'd be a White Knight. Back in the day (in fact this was only a couple of months ago), I decided it was time to take action. I wasn't in a bad mood. I hadn't recently had a bad experience with a bus. I wasn't even waiting for a bus. I just wanted to take action. So a bus pulls up as I'm crossing the road and the drivers window was wound down. There were 2 other buses behind it. It had stopped for a red light, but the light was changing and it started to rumble forward. I leaned in to the drivers window and called the driver that nasty word that rhymes with 'runt' and is spelt 'cunt'. He slammed on the brakes - but I'd timed it just right. He couldn't stop because of the buses behind him so he had to move on. He was very >:( angryface. I was B-) shades cool. Why did I do this? For the lols.
Scene: deviantART
Age: 29
Situation: deviantART is a website where everyone can upload their art. I created an account (calling myself Dalipep) to cause mayhem. So anyways, this guy posts a photo of 3 dogs posing for a photo. tl;dr, I accused the guy of using gaffer tape to secure the dogs. This thread went of for pages and pages. He are some of the highlights.
Age: 29
Situation: deviantART is a website where everyone can upload their art. I created an account (calling myself Dalipep) to cause mayhem. So anyways, this guy posts a photo of 3 dogs posing for a photo. tl;dr, I accused the guy of using gaffer tape to secure the dogs. This thread went of for pages and pages. He are some of the highlights.
So that pretty much sums that up.
3) POTENTIAL SITUATIONS
I always thought when I grew up I'd have a thick weave of chest hair, like Sean Conery in that Bond film ('dunno which one. Probably the one where he's on the beach with the woman in the white bikini. Let's say it's Octopussy that I'm thinking of because the title's made of win and I want to type it). But far from that, in my late 20's I actually just have a little tuft of chest hair. Like a Totoro.
 |
| Not the big one either. |
If someone put a gun to my head I couldn't grow a beard to save my life. But other than that I turned out real good. Strong and lean and I have pubic hair too. So much win. When you're a kid you imagine how you'll turn out when you're a grown up. Now I never really agonised over this. I don't really make long term plans or goals. I just roam from situation to situation - trying to find my way in this crazy mixed up world. I don't think I had a preconception of the kind of person I'd be towards 30.
I had a career as a Zookeeper for 5 years, but it fucking sucked. (My job title was 'Senior Aquarist' but no one knows what the bloody hell that means, so we'll just say 'Zookeeper'). It was good for the lols but the money was so bad I think I earned more when I worked at a call centre. 'But Adam, you obviously took your job very seriously,' I hear what you're saying and you'd be correct. 'You defended your animals from the disgusting foreign invaders.' I know, right? But these were Covert Op's, which the management never even knew about. It's like when Jack Bauer does all that cool stuff in 24. Does anyone thank him? No, they just give him shit for it.
So all that rhetoric that everyone came out with when we broke up, like the ol' 'everything happens for a reason' and 'what will be will be', was actually pretty spot on. Had we not called it a day I wouldn't have met my previous girlfriend (probably the best women I've ever known), I wouldn't have all the wonderful new friends I have now, I wouldn't be living with my excellent flatmate - and Doc would never have made it back to the future. Or the past. I forget what they were trying to achieve in Back to the Future 3.
So family and relationship-wise I'm doing just peachy. I'm exactly where I want to be.
 |
| "If you need me, I'll be asleep in the stock room." |
But now I'm self employed and it's awesome. I saw one of my managers out and about last week and she asked how my new direction was treating me. I replied, "It's great! If I don't want to go in to work I just stay at home. I don't have to phone in sick or anything!" If looks could kill that woman would've turned me inside out and worn me as a fleece. (She like fleeces. Frumpy ones are her favourite). As long as I'm happy and whatnot I don't care overly much. I don't really crave material things - I'm not trying to sound like I've just come back from backpacking across Asia and found myself, man - but there it is. I don't drive, so I don't want a fancy car. I'm sure as hell not getting involved with another mortgage again anytime soon. So yeah, I think I reached my potential. /thread.
4) FAMILY SITUATIONS
This is a tricky one. My 2 oldest friends from back in the day both have kids now. 1's married too. Do I envy them? No, not really - it's just not my bag atm. I think mid-30's for that stuff. But it does make me wonder. I will now use words to explain. Thank you for reading. I like you and I think you're cool. Always remember that.
I was in this relationship for just under 5 years. We had a mortgage and whatnot together. I wanted to buy a kitten but she wouldn't let me, so now that we're not together, I brought a kitten. It's like a Disney film.
 |
| This proves that the man is always right about everything in a relationship. |
Eventually, we grew apart - like 2 and a Half Men and its audience did after legendary IRL troll Charlie Sheen left the show. But had we carried on we probably would've been engaged and probably would've had a kid by now. Now in our case, the problems that we had would've still been there and we probably would've still grown apart. (Sorry for all the 'probably' back there. I'm not a scientist and I cannot predict these things). As utter ballache as disentangling ourselves from the mortgage was, I think dissolving a marriage and selling the kid would've been ballache-apocalypse.
 |
| You sell the kid, right? |
So all that rhetoric that everyone came out with when we broke up, like the ol' 'everything happens for a reason' and 'what will be will be', was actually pretty spot on. Had we not called it a day I wouldn't have met my previous girlfriend (probably the best women I've ever known), I wouldn't have all the wonderful new friends I have now, I wouldn't be living with my excellent flatmate - and Doc would never have made it back to the future. Or the past. I forget what they were trying to achieve in Back to the Future 3.
So family and relationship-wise I'm doing just peachy. I'm exactly where I want to be.
5) FUTURE SITUATIONS
Who knows these things? I guess my next milestone will come at 40. Well, that's if the world doesn't end in 2012, in which case I would've only been 30 for about a week before it happens and this whole post will seem pretty redundant.
Again, I don't really have a plan. I just let Lady Luck lead me from A to B and hope for the best. Another 10 years is a long time. I don't even know what I'll be doing this time next year - and I like it that way. If someone had told me a year ago I'd have lived in Canada for 3 months, I would've been like, 'Well I don't even know anyone in Canada, so stop hassling me, man. Don't make me get my water gun out of retirement 'cos I'll soak you so good you wont know where the water ends and your tears begin'.
I need to quit smoking properly too. I like it, but it makes my lungs die :( sadface.
I think I'm going to potter on with my writing too. There are still humans out there who do not know how to internet correctly. There are other humans who need to know the truth about feelings and lols. Who knows - one day I may be able write faggy love advice for MSN. I must help them all. No one gets left behind.
 |
| YOU CANNOT DOWNLOAD A GOOGLE! LERN 2 INTERNET, GRANDAD! |
I do actually have a plan forming. I will now tell you my plan. Early next year, I won't be able to give away stuff on my stand, it'll be so quiet. So I'm going to take the money I made from selling my stupid flat and then blitz work up until Christmas and save, save, save. And then I'm going to go off travelling for a bit. Probably the usual - Asia and Thailand and all that. I need to look the Dali Lama in the eye and see if he truly does know what the situation is.
I don't think the future matters. Just keep active and healthy and keep your lol to antilol ratio correct.
CONCLUSION
I have about 5 months and change left of my 20's. I've packed a lot of great stuff in and I'd have it no other way. I pretty much wouldn't change a thing.
I love my life in sunny Brighton. I love my business. I love my friends and family. 10 more years of that will be a blessing. But I don't know if I'm ready to /thread and settle down yet. I just feel there's so much more out there. I mean, I'm not sure there is, maybe it's all crap - but I want to have a look for myself.
My flatmate and I were talking about travelling earlier today. He thinks the experience will change him. Tbh, I'm not planning to change. I like me. But I think the experience will make me more rounded.
So if you're loitering around in your early or mid 20's wondering what the future will bring, take it from me - on a long enough timeline it does work itself out. Don't agonise about it. Don't worry. If your heart is pure and you tell no lies you should be rewarded with great things.
See. I told you I'm wise like an owl.
I love my life in sunny Brighton. I love my business. I love my friends and family. 10 more years of that will be a blessing. But I don't know if I'm ready to /thread and settle down yet. I just feel there's so much more out there. I mean, I'm not sure there is, maybe it's all crap - but I want to have a look for myself.
My flatmate and I were talking about travelling earlier today. He thinks the experience will change him. Tbh, I'm not planning to change. I like me. But I think the experience will make me more rounded.
So if you're loitering around in your early or mid 20's wondering what the future will bring, take it from me - on a long enough timeline it does work itself out. Don't agonise about it. Don't worry. If your heart is pure and you tell no lies you should be rewarded with great things.
See. I told you I'm wise like an owl.
No comments:
Post a Comment