I was keeping it real casual on the way to work when I stopped to buy some pop because I am addicted to pop. As the bubbles began to dance the dance of life on my tongue I thought, 'What happened to the Diet Coke man?' The one from the black and white advert back in the 90's. That guy emasculated me just by being. He was built like an Adonis, effortlessly handsome, and aplha as fuck. And then a few years later there was a gritty reboot - in much the same way that the film studios are already working on another reboot of Batman, the franchise that was just grittily rebooted like 5 years ago.
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| This is legit. Go check IMDb and then punch the internet. |
But I digress. The guy in the New Diet Coke advert - what was his situation? He was a little rat, but conversely all the women in the new advert had become hawter and stupiderer. It doesn't really seem fair on women. How did this happen? Well, I've no idea how this happened but I'm going to write words about it anyway and try to find out why equality became unequal. Again.
There's a lot of BS circling the Old Media these days about how all women are beautiful, strong, independent black queens. Dozens of stoopid programs, like the ones Gok Wan seems to endlessly churn out, are built around this ideal. Don't get me wrong - I agree that most women are beautiful, strong, independent black queens - but I don't think these programs are helping the situation at all. So it doesn't matter what women think about about how their bodies look, so lets make a program about what women think about how their bodies look? That doesn't make any sense to me - but then I'm just a big, dumb male.
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| 'What a man tells you to look like doesn't matter, Moon Sister. Welcome to my show where a man tells you what to look like.' |
IMO it just preys on women. If it was such a non-issue then there'd be no need to make a program to celebrate it. Like, how many programs are there about my complete lack of interest in football?
Meanwhile, it seems like for us guys things have just gotten easier and easier over time. As long as you're funny and witty and all that good stuff - you can get away with all sorts of ugly. Just ask
Jason Segel. There's not that much expected of us. I know a guy who's the spitting image of this other guy that I went to high school with. These guys both look a little bit funky, but that's cool because Gok Wan says that it's what's on the inside that counts and there's no amount of unattractive that can't be remedied with a high-waisted belt. 1 of these guys is a lady-killer. 1 of them not so much. The only real thing that separates them is personality. Take the Indiana Jones films for example. 30 years ago, vaginas everywhere were trembling at the sight of this:
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| Ladies. |
Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones is dashing and charming and made of win. He's also a sexual tyrannosaur and he absolutely loves killing stuff. In the first 3 films he straight up fucking murders like 50+ people. Win. Do you know how many people he killed in the most recent film, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? 1 person. Well, not even 1. He just blows a poisonous dark back at some guy who shot him with a poisonous dart. So what's that - like half a kill? Weak. Also, the best my generation can muster in the handsome-adventurer / lady-killer department is this:
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| He has done more damage to the 80's then cocaine cut with rat poison. |
Shia LaBeouf. I had to check the spelling and Wikipedia says his full name is Shia Saide LaBeouf. That's like 3 1/2 names and all of them could be names of effeminate flamingos in a Disney film. Whereas women in films, even women in lol films who used to look like tubby, bleached dinosaurs, have become crazy hawt. Just ask Mila Kunis. A bit of a double standard has developed. And while I'm glad that I'm on my side of the gender divide - I feel bad for my sisters on the other side.
So that's just one example, but standards in guys have been dropping for years. As I do with the decline of modern music - I pin the blame squarely on the grubby little shoulders of the Arctic Monkeys. I will now type some more words. Just after the millennium The Strokes looked upon the world through artfully tussled bangs and said, 'Hello, world. We are the epitome of cool and we would like to show you how to be a better you'. I was at college at the time and within the next month every guy had wandered out and upgraded himself with skinny jeans, vintage jackets, and some very bon marché scarfs. The benchmark had been set and the world answered with one voice, 'Ok, The Strokes. Thank you for your guidance. We will do better'. Everything looked amaze. Then this happened:
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| 'HE'S JUST NORMAL LIKE WHAT WE ARE!!!1' |
The Arctic Monkeys were just a bunch of kids and they made the dream of being a successful band more accessible to the masses. Just like Chatroulette made the dream of seeing like 500 dicks per hour accessible to the masses. If you want it - just go and make it happen. In some ways it's great and in other ways not so much. If everyone can be in a successful band it becomes less desirable. I don't want to feel like I could bump into a famous musician in the supermarket. I wouldn't be at all surprised if I bumped into Brian Monkey, or whatever the kid from the Arctic Monkeys is called, walking around Morrisons. I want an air of superiority and pomme de terre to surround my famous musicians, like dry ice and pubescent boys tears do at a Limp Bizkit gig (they're still cool, right? I'm very down with the kids).
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| Looks cool to me. And edgy. Moving on. |
So that's why I think the New Diet Coke man is muggly shrew compared to the original Diet Coke man. We, as men, just enjoy far lower expectations then we had back then. You don't have to aspire so high.
But why are the women in the advert suddenly smoking hawt and a sutty? Let us find out.
I just watched both videos a minute ago on YouTube ('probably should've done that before I started writing but I pride myself on being poorly informed and lacking in factual content. Like those SWAG pictures that keep popping up on the internets).
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| I swear to God this is a real thing. If you could weaponise this level of stupid you could destroy nations. |
WHAT I LERNED FROM THE DIET COKE ADVERTS
Original Diet Coke Advert
New Diet Coke Advert
Admittedly, this gritty reboot of the Diet Coke advert is now about 5 years old, so if they remade it again today the male lead will probably look like a stinky neckbeard. I'd bet he'd be fucking sweet at Call of Duty though. But why in the new advert are the women moar pretty and moar trampy then in the original? Do bitches be trippin'? (You put an apostrophe at the end of it to be like a rap man. Fred Durst lerned me that).
The women in the new advert are this way because that's the direction women have evolved in media. I saw the major motion picture Friends With Benefits last week and it pretty much sums up the message of every romantic film and sitcom of the last 10 years - 'Be an intelligent, driven woman but always be on the lookout for the amazing power of a big dick'.
Again, don't get me wrong here. I'm not trying to champion women's rights or any of that noise, but I (as a man) realise that you (as a woman) have got a pretty crappy deal. Be smarter, be sexier, be prettier. Whereas men just need to be a bit funny, a bit cute, a bit LaBeouf.
At least we can all agree that Diet Coke is made of win and Coke Zero is watered-down, fizzy tar. So where do we go from here? Honestly I don't know. I watched that film Suckerpunch and it was made of win. It was also the only film that I can think of in the last few years where the female leads were not in thrall to some dude. Let us examine some more recent, popular films and try and find a woman who's not portrayed as a complete spare part:
Salt: Angelina Jolie started the film being rescued by her husband and then spends the bulk of the rest of the film trying to be reunited with him. Then she seems to forget all about that and saves the world or something. I don't think I understood that film.
The Proposal: Sandra Bullock is a successful serious business woman until she gets in trouble and only the amazing power of a strong, white man (and his penis) can save her. So she's independent for like the first 15 minutes of the film before she needs the amazing power of a strong, white man (and his penis)? Well at least she lasted that long.
Sex in the City: Pretty much everything these 4 do and say is about dick. Meeting a dick, touching a dick, keeping a dick. /thread.
Black Swan: Well ok, I don't think that this was about a womans never ending adventure to find love with a man, but it was probably shoehorned in there somewhere. Didn't she date her teacher or something? It was certainly intense. I couldn't sleep without the light being left on for about a week after watching it. So intense.
So yeah, that Suckerpunch film and that's pretty much all I can think of as a recent film where women are capable without the direct supervision of a man (and his penis). And even then, some old boy drove them around and organised all of their situations. And they were dressed like nazi schoolgirls or something for the whole film. After all, going into war not wearing a mini-skirt and heels would be utter madness.
All I know is that at present guys have got it sweet as hell.
You just have to care about looking like you don't care. Some woman came past my stand a couple of days ago and said, "OMG this is so Shabby-Chic!" I was like, 'WTF are you saying about my wooden dreams, bitch?' Just as I was about to cut her she told me that apparently Shabby-Chic is a good thing. How can a thing be both shabby and chic?
But then guys can (mostly) just dress up however we want (no baggy jeans, nothing neon ffs). It's a luxury we enjoy along with waking up in the morning with an erection and standing in front of the mirror, basking in the reflection of our totem pole (penis). Gok Wan doesn't pander to men with his shows because he knows we'd tell him to STFU. We don't need it.
I could wade into the whole inequality with 'women in magazines', 'women in music', and 'women in adverts' minefield - but tbh it's getting late and I needs to gets my snooze on.
So that's what happened to the Diet Coke man. The world moved on and traits such as looking like a boss and being clean shaven became undesirable in men. It seems like lols are more important. This is good because I like lols and it's one of the most important things I look for in a woman. (Obviously, the most important things are a pretty face and whether or not she likes my cat). Fast-forward another 10 years and who knows what the desirable traits will be?
It will probably look like a complete clusterfuck and we will only have ourselves, Gok Wan, and high-waisted belts to blame.
Goodnight, gentle reader. I love you.
- The whole idea behind the original advertising campaign was taking a 'Diet Coke Break'. I forgot about this entirely and for that I'm sorry. It's also not shot in black and white so I got that wrong too. Please forgive me.
- 60% of the women in the video wear glasses (because glasses = intelligent = office).
- I'm not gay, but handsome Diet Coke man is handsome.
New Diet Coke Advert
- The new advert makes no sense. So the women go to the lift to break the lift and then New Diet Coke man comes through a hatch in the top of the lift to repair the lift but he was there like immediately so what New Diet Coke man just spends all his time at work sitting on top of the lift in some tiny metal office probably built into the lift or something on standby in case it breaks? Oh my God I just went full retard.
- 100% of the women in the video are cumdumpsters (every other shot they're licking their lips = that's where the penis goes during a blowjob = sexy?)
- The guy just looks like a normal dude.
Admittedly, this gritty reboot of the Diet Coke advert is now about 5 years old, so if they remade it again today the male lead will probably look like a stinky neckbeard. I'd bet he'd be fucking sweet at Call of Duty though. But why in the new advert are the women moar pretty and moar trampy then in the original? Do bitches be trippin'? (You put an apostrophe at the end of it to be like a rap man. Fred Durst lerned me that).
The women in the new advert are this way because that's the direction women have evolved in media. I saw the major motion picture Friends With Benefits last week and it pretty much sums up the message of every romantic film and sitcom of the last 10 years - 'Be an intelligent, driven woman but always be on the lookout for the amazing power of a big dick'.
|
| Ladies. |
At least we can all agree that Diet Coke is made of win and Coke Zero is watered-down, fizzy tar. So where do we go from here? Honestly I don't know. I watched that film Suckerpunch and it was made of win. It was also the only film that I can think of in the last few years where the female leads were not in thrall to some dude. Let us examine some more recent, popular films and try and find a woman who's not portrayed as a complete spare part:
So yeah, that Suckerpunch film and that's pretty much all I can think of as a recent film where women are capable without the direct supervision of a man (and his penis). And even then, some old boy drove them around and organised all of their situations. And they were dressed like nazi schoolgirls or something for the whole film. After all, going into war not wearing a mini-skirt and heels would be utter madness.
All I know is that at present guys have got it sweet as hell.
You just have to care about looking like you don't care. Some woman came past my stand a couple of days ago and said, "OMG this is so Shabby-Chic!" I was like, 'WTF are you saying about my wooden dreams, bitch?' Just as I was about to cut her she told me that apparently Shabby-Chic is a good thing. How can a thing be both shabby and chic?
 |
| Oh. Right. |
But then guys can (mostly) just dress up however we want (no baggy jeans, nothing neon ffs). It's a luxury we enjoy along with waking up in the morning with an erection and standing in front of the mirror, basking in the reflection of our totem pole (penis). Gok Wan doesn't pander to men with his shows because he knows we'd tell him to STFU. We don't need it.
I could wade into the whole inequality with 'women in magazines', 'women in music', and 'women in adverts' minefield - but tbh it's getting late and I needs to gets my snooze on.
So that's what happened to the Diet Coke man. The world moved on and traits such as looking like a boss and being clean shaven became undesirable in men. It seems like lols are more important. This is good because I like lols and it's one of the most important things I look for in a woman. (Obviously, the most important things are a pretty face and whether or not she likes my cat). Fast-forward another 10 years and who knows what the desirable traits will be?
It will probably look like a complete clusterfuck and we will only have ourselves, Gok Wan, and high-waisted belts to blame.
Goodnight, gentle reader. I love you.
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