The first time I lifted weights, I pulled my pectorals. The physical pain I had because of my chest was pretty similar to the emotional pain that Tara Reid has because of her chest. Or Courtney Love. Her operation wasn't great either.
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| Looks legit to me. |
But now I sort of know what I'm doing, and I run miles and feel pretty casual about it. I'm a bit like Road Runner - but less of a dick about everything.
Hullo, my name is Adam and today I'd like to talk to you about getting healthy and stuff. There'll probably come a time in your life when you look into the mirror at the disgusting monster that you have become and you'll think ':( sadface'. For me, this moment came in my mid-twenties. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't bummed out about my appearance or any of that noise, but I had gained weight. It was that little layer of comfort fat that you gain in a relationship, like a squirrel putting away nuts for the winter; but instead of nuts it's just takeaways, simple carbs, Haagen-Dazs, and shit.
Then you have a choice - you look at that disgusting, disgusting monster and say, 'Fuck it. I'm sure it'll sort itself out.' Or you can take control of the situation.
This is what I lerned on my journey towards a better me. You may learn something but probably not.
1) EXERCISE MAKES YOUR BRAIN HAPPY BY RELEASING CHEMICALS AND STUFF
Exercise makes your brain happy by releasing chemicals and stuff and that's why this section is called, 'Exercise makes your brain happy by releasing chemicals and stuff'.
Wikipedia says, "Endorphins ("endogenous morphine") are endogenous opioid peptides that function as neurotransmitters. They are produced by the pituitary gland and the hypothalamus in vertebrates during exercise, excitement, pain, consumption of spicy food, love and orgasm, and they resemble the opiates in their abilities to produce analgesia and a feeling of well-being."
tl;dr, exercise makes your brain happy by releasing chemicals and stuff. It's on Wikipedia so it must be true. Here's a diagram I made to explain the situation:
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| Endorphins in action. |
2) HAVE A GOAL
You have to have something in mind and tailor your exercises towards that end. I wasted a lot of time just grinding my gears and going round in circles. I was exercising a shit-ton when I lived in Toronto, but it was mostly isolation exercises which target one muscle (bicep curls = biceps), instead of compound exercises which work a whole bunch of muscles (squats = glutes, quads, calves, and lower back). Compound exercises are better than isolation ones. I didn't know. 'Turns out it was all a complete fucking waste of time anyways because I wasn't getting enough protein to build anything. I wasn't making many gains. There's a link at the bottom for calculating the protein you'll need to gain muscle mass.
So, depending on whether you want to make gains (moar muscle-mass and size), or get lean (moar leanness and definition), you'll need to plan your exercises accordingly.
This blog isn't about exercise advice, it's about lols (for example, I was on the phone to the electric company yesterday and I said to the woman who was pissing me off, 'You're so stupid, I think that talking to you is making me stupid,' and one day I want to say to someone who's homophobic, 'You're as straight as Freddy Mercury, standing on a roundabout, drinking a bottle of dicks'. Hopefully, one day my dream will come true).
So I can't advise you about what exercises you should do. I don't want to mislead you. Because I love you. I don't want you to get hurt.
Check the links at the bottom of the page for people who're far more clued up about this stuff than me.
3) LOSING WEIGHT IS SUPERDUPER EASY
Did you know you can lose about a sixth of your bodyweight by simply cutting a leg off? It doesn't even matter which one. I know, right? Amazing. But if that doesn't appeal to you, you can lose weight pretty simply other ways. I will now explain these ways using words:
- DRINK MOAR WATER: Yes, water is boring, and water is not Pepsi Max, and water has no booze in it - but it's the easiest way to lose water-retention. Water-weight. I know what you're thinking, 'Drink more water to lose water-weight? Adam, you are a maverick. A handsome, handsome maverick,' but bear with me. Your body holds onto water because it thinks it might need it. It wants to keep you alive in case of an emergency. Your body doesn't know about all of the sweet, sweet water that you can buy from a shop or drink from a tap. If you flood your body with water, it will start to jettison all of its stored water. Then you lose your water-weight. Link at the bottom to calculate water intake.
- CREATE A CALORIC DEFICIT: This is as the single most import thing you need to do to lose weight, and yes, it does involve eating less or exercising more. Or both, if you're serious about getting lean. There are 3'500 calories in 1 pound of fat. To burn 1 pound of fat, you have to burn 3'500 calories. That's a deficit of 500 calories a day. That's a chocolate milkshake, or a quarter pounder with cheese, or a big bag of crisps, or 2 muffins, or 2 1/2 pints of beer, or a bottle of dicks. This stuff is not rocket surgery. Link at the bottom.
- EXERCISE: Have your cake and eat it. I've tried living like a monk and I spent about 2 weeks on a strict daily 1'450 calorie diet. It does work and you will see results quickly - but, man, it's boring. I like to think of it this way; if I'm going out to get wasted, or to eat a bunch of rich food that I shouldn't eat, then I'll burn it off the next day. Or the day after, depending on how disciplined I'm feeling. Think, 1 pint of beer = about 200 calories. You can burn that off in a 15 minute run or a 45 minute walk.
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| If you can get to the point where you're running and boozing at the same time, then you win the internet. |
Yes, McDonnalds, Domino's, and all-you-can-eat buffets are not going to help you in your quest to be a better you. Not at all. Neither is drinking 5 pints of booze on a night out. But you can work around this. Yes, those little Chicago Town pizzas taste sweet, but they look like an Italian just had a prolapse on some damp cardboard; and if you microwave them then they taste a bit like that too. You can still eat pizzas and stuff, just make them yourself and use sensible ingredients.
There are loads of these 'healthy eating' websites. They have quick and easy recipes for all sorts of stuff, and they're not loads of ballache to do, either. Going back to pizzas - I made these cheeky little numbers for my friends, which were as simple as a wholemeal pittabread, tomato pasta sauce, low-fat mozzarella, pepperoni, and some oregano and shit. (It wasn't shit, it was probably basil or something.) They took about 5 minutes to make. They took about 5 minutes to cook. God made the same things for Jesus for his welcome home party. Jesus was omg so lol.
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| Jesus is always lol. |
Also, you can still get drunk - just stick to spirits with a diet mixer, or a bottle of wine. A single 25ml spirit is around 50 calories. A bottle of wine (red, white, rose, or sparkling) is around 500 calories. That's why Hank in Californication is so lean but is also an alcoholic - because he sticks to the whiskey. (Probably because of all of the sex too. Sex is fantastic cardio (200 calories in 30 minutes), unless the girl just lays there like that sick dinosaur in Jurassic Park while you do stuff to her, in which case you have far bigger problems. I recommend you close this window, shut down your computer, and get your sex life back on track. In fact, it's probably her fault anyways, so you can stay here and lol and make her figure something out. What a selfish bitch.)
5) STICK WITH IT
I'm pretty sure most of the guys reading this have a set of dumbbells gathering dust somewhere in the house. I'm pretty sure most of the women reading this have one of those great big ball things that're supposed to help with sit-ups, or whatever those things do. Like a toasted cheese sandwich maker, like a lover that you're not compatible with, like a Christmas tree - these things are used non-stop for about a month and then completely forgotten about.
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| 'You will always have a home in my heart.' 'You will always have a home in your home. Go home.' |
They will not help you with your gains, or with your getting lean, by sitting in your cupboard.
Now, a lot of people say you should keep a log, or record your progress as you go. It can be encouraging. I'm far too disorganised for that - but I do see the merits of doing it. I think that the thing to do is just make a rough plan and stick to it. No slacking. No 'off days'. No 'treat days'. At least until you get where you want to be.
And if you do fall off the wagon (you will) then just make it up the next day, or later in the week.
This guy (totally not me) will sometimes inhale that filthy, dirty, filthy takeaway burger meal after a night out. But the same guy (again, nothing to do with me) will go for a run the next day. A real casual 10 minute mile x 3 will burn off about 400 calories. That's the burger. Then, to work off the chips, I like to volunteer with children and teach them how to plant trees. No, not really, I just spend time on the internet and stuff. You burned about 25 calories reading this post. This blog is helpful. You're welcome. I love you.
CONCLUSION:
Exercise can be fun. Genuinely. You will start to see results within about 3 months, if you're doing it right. I don't want to suggest exercises you should be doing, or routines, or diet plans - because, tbh, I'm still getting to grips with that myself and there's people out there far better qualified to do that than me (it's a big internet). There's a bunch of links on the bottom of this post which should help to sort your fat, lazy, sheet-of-cellulite ass out. If you want to.
You have to want to do it. For yourself. It's not worth doing it to impress someone, or strut around the beach like a prick, or because you want to look like some airbrushed piece of fiction in an underwear advert. You have to want to do this for yourself.
Yes, gaining and losing weight is a bitch. Men gain weight in their stomach, not their dick. Women gain weight in their thighs and bum, not their breasts. The human is not a perfect organism. But it can be nudged, kicking and screaming, towards some shadow or whisper of perfection. Whatever makes you happy. PROTIP: You can't target weight loss, either. You can do 100 sit-ups a day, but it wont make you lose your tummy any quicker. Weight loss occurs all over the body. Your belly, your thighs, and your bum will be the last to go. Sorry.
When I started all this, the exercise and stuff, I was made of wet paper and when I'm done I want to be carved from wood. I'm probably at a balsa stage atm. But, reader, lover, friend, I'm seeing all sorts of gains and getting so lean.
These are the things what I lerned from:
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/ Totally free calorie counter. It even has an app on Android (not sure about Apple) so you can scan the bar code of whatever it is you're eating. Includes a carbs, fats, and protein calculator. Don't feel self-conscious about using it. If anyone gives you any sass about it, just tell them to suck it. Tell them Adam told you to tell them to suck it.
http://www.wikihow.com/Build-Muscle Basic gains 101.
http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/drobson175.htm Basic get lean 101. Includes water intake calculator.
http://tasteytemptations.blogspot.co.uk/2007/09/low-calorie-pita-pizza.html Lean food recipe. This isn't the one I followed (I can't remember where I found it. It's a big internet) but you get the gist.
http://www.youtube.com/user/twinmuscleworkout?feature=watch Bro-science advice. These guys are fucking legit. And lulzy. They have a bunch of videos about all sorts of stuff. Example:
http://www.shawnlebrunfitness.com/building-lean-muscle-mass.html Moar advice on gains.
https://www.google.com/ Figure it out.
Good luck. And remember - although it's what's on the inside that counts, if you look good on the outside, people will like you more.
Good night, internet.
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