IF AN INDIE FALLS IN THE FOREST AND NO ONE IS AROUND TO HEAR IT, DOES IT MAKE A SOUND?

Is indie music dying? Did indie music already dead?

As you know - I always ask the tough questions and I don't rest until I bring you the truth. It's my blessing. It's my curse.

Hullo, the internet. My name is Adam and today I'd like to talk to you about indie music.


# INDIE_IRL

Opposite where I work is a rare sight. As rare as a wrinkle on Courtney Cox's soft, acyclic-like skin. As rare as an Asian girl with a slightly lighter shade of jet black hair. It's an antique. A dinosaur. It's an independent record shop. An anonymous bro says that in 10 years time you're moar likely to see Jesus than an independent record shop.

What about Jesus in an independent record shop?
Fuck, man. Mind = Blown.

"In 10 years time you're moar likely to see Jesus than an independent record shop." - Anonymous Bro

Resident displays a sign saying, 'Winner. Best Independent Record Shop.' Current. Edgy. Kewl. Alt. But then there's only like 3 independent record shops left in the world, so that's sort of like winning the Special Olympics. It's like winning a war when the other side doesn't even show up.

WE ARE #1
(#deathofmusic #leantimes #internetpiracyfundsterrorism)

Anyways, they display another sign about their album of the year. It's post-internet, electro-soundscaping, plinky-plonky, urban-elf-and-possible-sexy-bitch-but-I'm-not-sure - Grimes. Now, a lot of cool people say that Grimes is just a hawt girl with bangs and a bunch of bleep bloop machines.

Pictured: A hawt girl with bangs.
(No bleep bloop machines.)

"Grimes is just a hawt girl with bangs and a bunch of bleep bloop machines." - A Cool People.

Is this the most Indiest Thing of 2012 Evar ™? Is Grimes 'current'? Is Grimes 'alternative'? Do you 'get' her? Would you have sexual intercourse with Grimes on a bed of synths and then maybe take her to see a very current live band, or would you take her to see a very current live band and then have sex with her on a bed of synths? Tough questions. Tough questions.

'Thing is, her music's good. I like it. She has an excellent ratio of obscure breathy vocals + plinky ploky beeb beebs = album of the year.

But is this really the best that indie music can muster? In a year? A whole year?

Is indie music dying? Did indie music already dead?


# THE_SCENE

My friend was doing merch for some band last month. ('Not sure why.) So I went with him so soak up the local scene. To be seen in the scene.

You can tell this song's about feelings,
because he has a tambourine.

Anyways, the band was not good. Not at all. They were like Vocal Harmony Core. Or Post BeetBoxx. Or Chill Cool Dad Rock. (I don't know if any of them are real genres. Probably.) Think 4 bros. 2 bros on acoustic guitar singing about emotions and doing 90's boyband harmonies. 1 soggy-dicked, sasquatch-looking mofo bro on bass. And 1 bro with 1337 beat boxing skills, like one of those X Factor contestants who's edgy because he has 1337 beat boxing skills.

"I first started beat boxing 'cosv of my deep and serious psychological problems. #sexual_abuse, y'all :( sadface. But it's cool and shit, because now I have mad skills 4 realsies." - X Factor Contestant

Is this indie? Is indie music dying? What's the best way to be seen in the scene?

Maybe it's the difference between professionals and amateurs. Maybe all these up and coming cookie-cutter indie bands just need to shhh and mine a thick new vein of untapped music. Maybe we have enough bands. Maybe we don't need any more bands.

It's sort of like Pepsi Max. Pepsi are established. Professional. Pepsi make sweet, sweet Pepsi Max out of secret ingredients and aspartame. (People say aspartame is bad for you because it makes you forget things - but that's the reason I drink diet cola; to forget all of the horrible things that I saw in the war, to forget all of the bad decisions that I've made, and to forget all of the breasts that I've seen with that wonky areolar.) Pepsi are consistent. Professional.

I DRINK TO FORGET!
I DRINK TO FORGET!!!1

Now, say that a pair of bros turn to one another and are all like, 'Hey, bro. Do you think that we should make our own unique-as-a-snowflake brand of diet cola?'
   The other bro turns to the first bro.
   'Yes, bro,' he says. 'Yes  we should totes do that, bro.'

The thing is - the amateur bros can't make good diet cola. They just copy the ingredients from existing diet colas, put the mix in the diet cola making machine, and hope for the best.


# INDIE_CLUB_NIGHTS

So, I went to this indie night at a club on the sea front and in the smoking area I saw this kid say to another kid, "I'll pop you, nigger." (He was white. Obviously.) At first, I was sort of like 'meh,' and then he put his hand into the gun gesture and then I was all like 'whoa,' and then he turned the hand making the gun gesture 90 degrees (like a rap man) and then I was all like 'Fuck. This kid is actually going to pop that other kid with his hand gun."

Is this indie? Do you vibe to this?

They play Smells Like Some Teen Spirit by The Nirvanas. Now, I don't even think that counts as indie. By indie, do they just mean alternative? Kewl? Alt?

If we could harness the power from the speed that Kurt Cobain's spinning in his grave, then we could solve the fossil fuel dependency.

Smoking will be the death of you, Kurt.

# INDIE_OTI

"If it is made. If it is digital. It can be pirated." - Pirate / Cyber Criminal

There's nothing on Gods Green Earth which cannot be stolen with enough internets. Maybe this is the main malfunction with indie as an industry.

Chances are that if you're an indie band, then your target audience knows where to find your album OTI (and where to steal it). Yes, they might go and they might 'buy the actual CD' if they like it. (They won't buy it.) Yes, they might come and see you live if they like it. (If you tour near them, or are on the bill at a relevant and current and #alt festival.) Yes, they might buy some merch. (If they ever send me that Little Dragon T Shirt I that ordered like 2 fucking months ago - get your act together, assholes.)

Look at the Billboard Top 200. 'Top 5 are:

• Red - Taylor Swift (I think she's like the woman from the Coyote Ugly Moonlight song, but moar sluttier.)

• Trouble Man - T.I. (I literally have no idea who the shit this is. It's a sweet Marvin Gaye song, though.)

• Unorthodox Jukebox - Bruno Mars (Again, no idea - but I think that he has a cat on the album cover - so he's legit.)

• Take Me Home - The One Directions (Like Barbie dolls for prepubescent girls. But they're boys. Very clean hair.)

• Christmas - Michael Bubble (A celebration of Easter by a poor man's Sinatra. Possible cunt. Unconfirmed.)

Pictured: Possible cunt. (Unconfirmed.)

These are the 5 albums which have sold the most this year. Are they the best 5 albums of the year? I'm going to go way, way, waaay out on a limb and say, "No." The thing is Granny Fuck who <3's Michael Bubble don't know how to internet. Tina Taataa who <3's Taylor Swift don't know how to internet neither *. If they want to own this music and align their personal brand to the brand of these musicians, then they need to physically go out and by the CD from Asda or hand over those PayPals in exchange for the MP3's from Amazon.

Indie fans (I presume) know how to internet. So the fans steal all the nutritious MP3's. So the indie band gets no £££. :( sadface.

# CONCLUSION

I feel like we've all learned a lot here today but probably not. 

What came first, the chicken or the egg? The chicken, because nothing evolved into an egg. The chicken was inside. 

What's the sound of 1 hand clapping? It's like 'fap fap fap.' Or about half the volume of 2 hands clapping. 

If an indie falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Yes. It makes the same sound over and over and over again for most of the 2000's - and eventually - people don't want to listen to it any more. We're tired of hearing the same song for 10 years.

But Bloc Party were pretty sweet.

* She's called Tina Taataa because she has small boobs because she's like 10 or something.

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