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As I look back over the year, my penis is partially erect and partially flaccid. It's mostly erect. But what has 'made' the year? What have been the best and worst bits of the year?
Come. Take my hand, friend. Let's find out.
iamawaitingyourereading SEMI-PROUDLY PRESENTS
#BEST AND #WORST THINGS OF 2012
# BEST_IN_LOLS: 'I Can Count to Potato' Meme Goes Viral (Again)
Where to draw the line drawn in the pursuit of nutritious lols?
'Silly thing is that this situation was all done and dusted. The internet hate machine had already processed this content back in 2008 / 2009. It was satisfied. It slumbered. And then in 2012, around we go again. Long story short, her mum found out that her daughter's image was being used in the meme and went to the newspapers with the story. Internet scholars are unsure about what she was hoping to achieve. To 'delete' the pictures from the internet? To get great justice against 'the internet trollers / cyber bullies'? Anyways, the story shone the light of day into the darker corners of the internet and it disturbed the beast. The beast woke up.
'Yes,' the internet hate machine says. 'I remember that. It was funny. Let us do it again.'
(See Streisand Effect for moar info.)
It split our entire species down the middle. Bro turned on bro. Families were divided. News Feeds were blocked.
Here is a flow chart I made to explain this situation. I'm not sure who was right or wrong, but there was definitely a situation:
Special Mention: Kony 2012.
Never was so much (lols) owed by so many (trolls) to so few (bedroom activists / busy bodies / rallying cries in 140 characters or less).
# WORST_IN_LOLS (ANTILOLS): Jimmy Savile
:( sadface.
And no lols were had that day; it was the lolocaust. Okay, so some people dressed up as him for Halloween - and maybe someone at work who you think is 'kind of weird' and 'a bit of a dick' tried to tell you a joke about it once - but no one's heart was really in it, you know? It was a bit too close to home. Too real. Too sad. :( sadface. :'( sadface with tear. Moving on.
# BEST_IN_FILM: Prometheus
It is not a prequel to Alien, even though we market it as exactly that. It is a 'spiritual successor' or a 'precursor'. If you 'get' Prometheus then you are an intelligent consumer.
Was it the best film of the year? No, of course not. It made no fucking sense, it was massively over-hyped, and it had moar plot holes than Twin Peaks had ambiguous. But, man - what a ride. It was the first time that I've been genuinely excited for a film in years. It was an event.
Did you know that it originally wasn't anything to do with the Alien franchise? Back in the day, it was penned as an 'Origin of the species' / 'Is God real?' / 'Deep and meaningful circlejerk for post-grads'. I'm not a cinematographer, but I think the converstation went something like this:
Writer Bro: "This is an incredibly visceral and tactile exploration of the creation of Man."
Company Bro: "That sounds pretty gay to me. What about adding some aliens and shit?"
Writer Bro: "What? No. No, that's not the story I want to tell."
Company Bro: "Definitely needs more aliens. Maybe explosions, too."
That's why the Alien plot seems tacked on. This blog is informative.
# WORST_IN_FILM: The Dictator
It is okay for Sacha to make jokes about minorities because Sacha is a minority. If you do not 'get' that then you are a racist, and a chauvinist, and a Hitler.
I have pretty thick skin when it comes to the lols. I used to work at a shop once and I served an old woman some Sherbet Lemons. She fell over - like a frail, beige and cashmere tree. I dropped her change down over the counter and thanked her for her custom. But I actually had to stop watching this film halfway through because it offended me.
I don't even know who the shit this film was made for. What was it's purpose? What was it trying to say? If you're not white, you are a double nigger? If you're a woman, you are a) an idiot or b) a lesbian or c) a cumdumpster? If you're poor, no one cares? If you're rich, you are immoral? The film just snarled and snapped at everyone, like a rabid badger.
Special Mention: Ted
Bros said it was just like Family Guy but IRL. And with a teddy bear.
"It's just like Family Guy but in real life. And with a teddy bear." - A Bro
# BEST_IN_MUSIC: Electro Music / Breathy Vocals / Drum Machines
Bleep Bloop Bleep Bloop Bleep Bloop Bleep Bloop
It's been a massive, massive year for electronic music. Bands like Little Dragon, Grimes, Phantogram, SBTRKT, and Chromatics have been my entry into it. It's been a great trip. I've lerned a lot. But what I've lerned the most is that at the core of every electronic band isn't talent. It isn't art. It isn't memes or buzz. It isn't how many 'likes' they have on Facebook or how many followers they have on Twitter. It's this:
A beautiful, beautiful synthesiser. So many plinky plonk. So many bleep bloop. Thanks, 2012. <3 heart symbol.
# WORST_IN_MUSIC: Nicki Minaj
They say, what they gonna say? Have a drink, clink, found the Bud Light. Bad bitches like me, is hard to come by.
I went though this earlier in the year. Nothing has changed. Maybe it just got worse.
# BEST_IN_GAMING: X-Com Enemy Unknown
Can you protect the world from a mysterious alien menace? You will have to defeat mysterious aliens, mysterious alien weaponry, and game-breaking bugs and glitches :( sadface.
'Best game I've played in ages. I don't play a lot of games anymore, due to getting lean, travelling and shit, and drawing super advanced comics. But I dusted off my Ecksbawks and fought the good fight. X-Com is a remake of a popular Windows PC game from the mid 1990's. It was fucking sweet then. It's fucking sweet now but with moar graphics. (OMG it had so many graphics.) It's a RTS, which stands for Real Time Strategy. Excellent game.
# WORST_IN_GAMING: Star Wars: The Old Republic
Insert Star Wars related joke here. ('This is not the game you're looking for,' or 'What a piece of junk,' or 'Nooooooo!' or 'It's a trap.' etc)
I don't even play this game anymore. I haven't played this game for months. But I still check the gaming sites for coverage of it. Why? Because it's the singlemost shambolic waste of potential / a franchise / internets since the invention of potential / a franchise / internets. It let down the internet. It's a lollercoaster. It sparks so many flamewars its a fucking goldmine of lols. Within a year it had hemorrhaged players, cut staff numbers, the management resigned, the company's shares fell - it let down everybody.
Did you know that this game cost $200 - $300 million to make? Did you know it's basically World of Warcraft, but in space and not good? Not at all. Star Wars TOR is a MMORPG, which stands for Massively Multiplayer Circlejerk OTI for People Who Don't Like People IRL. Awful. Just awful.
The internet calls it TORtanic. Like Titanic, innit haha lol. This blog is informative. You're welcome. I love you.
CONCLUSION:
2012 has been a good year. Personally it's treated me real tender, like a sensual massage between lovers - maybe with candles and incense sticks and shit.
I have a great life. 'Great friends. 'Great job.
I'm happy. A few of my peers are settled down and grown up now. Some have kids. Some are married. Serious business. It might be what they want, but it's not what I want. Not yet. Not until I find someone special *.
What's the alternative? I see people in relationships they shouldn't be in anymore. People who have outgrown one another, or got back with people they shouldn't have, or just passively aggressively hate one another. Stale, loveless, content, and dull. Like when you have a marathon of _________________ (insert TV Series / film franchise here) every other night of the week. Eating too much junk food. Not having enough sex. Content.
I've been there and done that. It's not living. I'd rather be single for the rest of 2013 than stumble back into that.
So - thanks, 2012. Love you, 2012. Hate you, 2012. Miss you, 2012.
* (A woman. Despite that sentence sounding gay.)
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