DATING SOMEONE WITHOUT FACEBOOK (AND OTHER PRIMITIVE COURTSHIP RITUALS)

So a friend of a friend puts me in contact with this woman.
     "You'll like her," she says. "She likes you. She's been on your Facebook."
     "Casual. Casual. So link me to her page so I can see what her situation is."
     "Oh. 'Can't do that," she says. "My friend doesn't have Facebook."
     I am wtf.

This little bastard knows the score.

Where to begin? To learn about her? To see what her situation is? To best probe the magical, myriad, mysteries which drive this precious snowflake? Is the bitch hawt?

First world problems are merciless.

Hullo, the internet. My name's Adam and today I'd like to talk to you about feelings. How do you get to know someone when they don't have Facebawks? Can you even be bothered? (Spoiler: I could not even be bothered.)

I don't even remember how we (as a species) went about this before the internets. Like, when I was a kid, I didn't have Facebawks or Myspace or any of that noise. Now it's basic 101. "Let's go on a date," she says. "We can get to know one another." Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady. I don't even know what your situation is yet - and you're talking about dates? Let's talk situations first.

I can't see if you're adventurous (via emotional photo of you looking emotional by Machu Picchu).
I can't see if you're arty (via sepia photograph of an old bus shelter via Instagram).
I can't see if you're hawt (via Profile Picture album).
I can't see if you have a pet dog (via photo of dog).
I can't see what your situation is.

"It's only when I got to the summit that I found the real me."

It's like a cheat sheet where you can gauge early compatibility. Do they possess X, where X is a value you look for in a partner. What if they really do have a dog? Instead of a cat? Disastrous.

And then there's the obvious - are you interested in them? Like, sexually and stuff. All I had to go on was a couple of ambiguous MMS MSG's she'd sent me on her MOB ILE (via TXT). I've spent enough time on the internet to know that several pictures are required.

Seems legit.

Maybe we (as a species) are just spoilt these days. We can bypass the preliminary getting to know you stages. 'Move on straight to dating if we want to. Well, in the technologically advanced areas - with internets, information super highways, uploads, downloads, memes, and moar internets.

What does some bro who lives in the middle of Africa do? Probably just goes up to some woman and is all, "Sup, baby gurl. You want 'come roll with me on the savannah? I know this sweet place where we can kill something and then maybe later you can touch my willy for real one time. Shhh, baby gurl. Don't rush this thing." (He speaks liek a rap man.)

Or would he be better off browsing through a friend of a friends profile? #confused.

He's got a really respectful number of followers on Twitter.

Anyways, I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it. We text backwards and forwards but tbh it seems too much like hard work. Maybe it would be different if I'd randomly met her in person. Y'know. Friend of a friend. Story as old as time. But to blind date without being able to - how do I put his delicately - learn a bit about her and confirm her breast to weight ratio? Seems like madness.

Would Jack Bauer blindly enter a room full of potential terrorists and situations without an earpiece thing? Without thermal satellite imaging? Without that Chloe woman running com?

No, he would not. No, I did not.

"Fathers, teach your sons to internet well - for one day - their penis will thank them." - Jesus

"Mothers, teach your daughters to maintain a healthy Profile Picture album." - Mrs Jesus?

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